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Han Ju-Won had never considered himself as emotional. When his father had sent him away to boarding school as a child, he had completely voided himself of any emotion; mainly those of betrayal or anger. His feelings of abandonment and grief caused by the death of his mother and his father sending him to boarding school became overwhelming for the young boy, so Han Ju-Won taught himself to repress any feelings and to bury them deep down where they couldn’t emerge.
He repeatedly told himself that this had helped him cope, however when alone in later life his buried emotions began to arise increasingly suddenly. He’d often come home from work, anxiety consuming him from the inside as he desperately attempted to ignore it. As the years passed, Han Ju-Won found it increasingly difficult to deal with his anxiety. He’d isolate himself in an attempt to protect himself from more anxiety, however, this method only worsened these feelings each time he did it. It was a lonely feeling he refused to reveal, not to himself or anyone else; because Han Ju-Won didn’t need anyone to save him. He only needed to be stronger.
Han Ju-Won knew he was lying to himself, and rather pathetically too. He needed some people, the officers in Manyang did nothing but care for him even when he was cold and often disagreeable. Despite this, the sudden attention startled a lonely Han Ju-Won, so of course he only isolated himself further.
But Han Ju-Won had also met Lee Dong-Sik; the man with the unsettling grin on his face in any situation, the man who was brave enough to insult Han Ju-Won, the man who Han Ju-Won had once perceived as a murderer. On top of all of this though, Lee Dong-Sik was only a man who wanted to find his sister. A man who yearned for justice for his sister's killer and all of the other victims who had been hurt. He wanted closure not only for himself but for all of the other families that had to go through the same hell he did all those years ago.
This was something Han Ju-Won admired because just like Lee Dong-Sik he also yearned for justice. He wanted to hunt down the person who had murdered many innocent people, casting a permanent shadow over Manyang for over two decades. Ju-Won often recalled the time Lee Dong-Sik had asked how he would feel if his own family was responsible for these crimes. Ju-Won had reacted with a look of pure horror, storming out of the basement and repressing the thought despite everything his family had put him through in his brief time on earth.
His whole world was instantly shattered as he listened to his father's confession.
Han Ju-Won had instantly driven to Dong-Sik’s house, kneeling in the rain in tears, swearing to the man that he’d go to hell for him. He’d do anything for Lee Dong-Sik because the man deserved justice, just like any other family affected by these tragedies in Manyang.
Han Ju-Won wasn’t used to feeling fond towards others. Not until Lee Dong-Sik.
Lee Dong-Sik had no trouble enchanting Han Ju-Won with his mischievous grin that he’d often displayed and the care he had for the people around him, no matter who they were. Han Ju-Won might’ve been confident when it came to his job, but when considering his feelings, it was a whole different game. A game he had never played in his entire life.
Han Ju-Won struggled to come to terms with this fondness. He trembled as he sat against the wall of his apartment, a glass of whisky in hand that he couldn’t bring himself to swallow. His breaths were shallow as he attempted to control his sudden overwhelming anxiety because as he sat on his cold sterile apartment floor he’d made a damning realization.
He was in love with Lee Dong-Sik.
He was completely unsure and bewildered as to where this had come from. Wherever all of this had come from, Han Ju-Won was terrified by it. He was so petrified by all of this, that all he could do was sit hopelessly on his floor with a drink in hand in a pathetic attempt to calm his crippling anxiety. It of course proved hopeless. Staring at his fourth glass of whiskey made him slightly dizzy as his breathing quickened and his body trembled violently. His head pounded as his chest burned, and tears freely flowed down his slightly sunken cheeks.
Han Ju-Won was completely alone in dealing with this pain, his front door separating him from the entire world and everyone on it. This had never bothered him in the past, however as he thought about his affection towards Lee Dong-Sik, he felt an increasingly hollowing pit in his chest that almost took Han Ju-Won with it. A pit that assured him that he had no one.
His mind taunted him with the things his father had said to him the first and last time he had visited him in prison. Han Ju-Won had no obligation to visit his father in prison, however he wanted to know why. He wanted to know a reason as to why everything that transpired had happened, but he never got a close answer to this question. Even incarcerated, his father seemed to know everything about the outside world, Han Ju-Won had guessed through connections his father still managed to maintain. Han Ju-Won sat in front of his father who looked almost uncanny in his prisoner uniform, contrasting greatly with his formerly elegant appearance that he always maintained. His father spat his words out like venom as Han Ju-Won told his father that he was still well acquainted with Lee Dong-Sik.
“How disappointing.”
Han Ju-Won was puzzled by his response. He knew his father was of course bitter towards Lee Dong-Sik for putting him in prison in the first place, but throughout Han Ju-Won’s life, he had never once cared about the people he associated himself with; both in a professional and a personal regard. Han Ju-Won watched his father let out a heavy sigh as he began to speak again.
“As your father, I know you better than anyone Ju-Won. I can see that you have certain… feelings for Lee Dong-Sik. Was it worth locking me up to live out a pathetic fairytale you know could never possibly happen? It is appalling, to turn against your blood for a pitiful man like Lee Dong-Sik. The man hated by every single resident of Manyang. You make me laugh boy.”
Han Ju-Won stood up, intending to leave his father behind forever. His words hit Han Ju-Won like bullets, ripping through his skin and leaving a burning sting with each shot he took. Nausea hit him like a train as he stood up, his father staring up at him with a satisfied look, knowing he’d hurt his son deeply.
“You’ve never been my son. You never could’ve been.”
Han Ju-Won stormed out, leaving his father and never looking back.
The sudden sound of Han Ju-Won’s front door opening startled him from his trance, snapping him back to his place on the floor. He turned his head towards the door, the sight of Lee Dong-Sik making him numb. Even in Han Ju-Won’s very obvious state, the concern that masked the older man’s face was apparent as soon as he looked at Han Ju-Won.
“Is everything alright Ju-Won-ah?”
Lee Dong-Sik’s caring question was immediately met with silence as Han Ju-Won’s heart skipped slightly at the sound of his name falling from the older man's mouth. The only response Han Ju-Won was capable of giving were tears welling up in his eyes as he looked down to the floor. Lee Dong-Sik crouched down to the younger man’s level and looked at Han Ju-Won as he spoke again a lot softer than before.
“Did something happen?”
This time a single tear escaped Han Ju-Won’s eye as he attempted to speak, his voice betraying him once again as he could only let out a series of unclear words that were unintelligible. Dong-Sik’s face fell slightly as he looked at Han Ju-Won, holding his aged hand out.
“Let’s get you up, hm?”
Han Ju-Won held the other man’s hand as he was pulled up, grateful to feel a human touch for the first time in a long time. His chest warmed instantly at the contact, and as Lee Dong-Sik let go he immediately felt a chill running through him, almost as if his body once again yearned for even the littlest contact from the older man.
“What happened Ju-Won-ah?”
The gentle way Dong-Sik said Ju-Won’s name broke something else inside him, and without a second thought he collapsed into Lee Dong-Sik and wrapped his arms around him, letting all of his anxiety and sadness soak the man's shoulder as he cried for every single emotion he desperately held back for so long. As Han Ju-Won sobbed, Dong-Sik held the younger man, rubbing his back and whispering reassuring phrases into his ear. The younger man’s heart pounded at the affection, yet his father’s bitter words still plagued his mind; causing Han Ju-Won’s focus from Lee Dong-Sik to dissipate. He hadn’t opened himself up to Lee Dong-Sik like this since his father's arrest.
Silence eventually overcame the pair as Han Ju-Won’s tears began to dry up, and the only sound that could be heard in the apartment was Han Ju-Won’s occasional sobs and the sound of Lee Dong-Sik stroking the fabric of Han Ju-Won’s shirt. The younger man broke the silence by speaking weakly, wanting desperately to be heard by anyone.
“I visited my father earlier.”
Han Ju-Won felt the other man tense slightly as he sat in his arms still. It was completely silent for a moment until Lee Dong-Sik spoke quietly, in a tone which showed no malice or hurt; only concern for Han Ju-Won.
“Why would you do that? After everything he put you through?”
Ju-Won felt a sudden sting in his heart at the thought of everything his father had done and spoke in a near whisper to Lee Dong-Sik.
“I just wanted to know why.”
Lee Dong-Sik exhaled loudly, pulling himself away from Han Ju-Won as he looked into his eyes once again. The tenseness in the air made Han Ju-Won anxious, and Lee Dong-Sik’s intense gaze intimidated him where he sat, his face still sticky with tears.
“Ju-Won-ah. Nobody could ever truly understand why he did that. There’s nothing else you can do.”
Han Ju-Won’s fragile state immediately caused him to yell in response, and his voice trembled as he stood up and bore his eyes into Lee Dong-Sik.
“I could at least try! Don’t you ever want to know why he just left your sister like that?!”
LeenDong-Sik’s expression hardened as he stood up slowly, and Han Ju-Won only continued yelling as he projected his overwhelming emotions at the moment, previously having no one else to listen to the inner thoughts that constantly tormented him.
“He ruined your life, tore your family apart, and helped scare an entire town for over twenty years; why wouldn’t you want to know why?! The least I could do for you is get an answer out of him!”
Lee Dong-Sik scoffed and began to raise his voice as he spoke.
“For me? What is it with you and constantly feeling responsible for others, especially me? I’ve dealt with this for years on my own, I don’t need you to protect me! Your fathers in jail now, why do you need to know every single thing Ju-Won?!”
Han Ju-Won silenced once again, looking down as he felt his eyes dampen with tears. Lee Dong-Sik walked a step closer as he spoke lowly.
“Your father said something to you, didn’t he? I know what you look like when you’re hurt Ju-Won.”
Han Ju-Won swallowed thickly as Dong-Sik stared at him expectantly. His voice still trembled as he spoke.
“It was nothing.”
Lee Dong-Sik clicked his tongue, still staring at Han Ju-Won intensely as he spoke.
“What did he say about me Ju-Won?”
Han Ju-Won’s hands began trembling as Lee Dong-Sik finished his sentence. He was losing control of himself far too quickly, and the thought of that in itself was terrifying to Han Ju-Won.
“Tell me Ju-Won!”
Lee Dong-Sik’s tone made him flinch, and his frustration and sadness blurred as he yelled back without a thought.
“He found out how I feel about you!”
The silence that immediately followed was suffocating. The two men stared at each other waiting for the other to speak, yet nothing came. Han Ju-Won still trembled as tears flowed freely down his face, and Lee Dong-Sik only stared at Han Ju-Won with an unreadable expression; something that Han Ju-Won was not used to.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
The sudden calm in Lee Dong-Sik’s voice terrified Han Ju-Won, and all the younger man could do at that moment was let out a sob before whispering to the floor.
“I love you Lee Dong-Sik.”
Lee Dong-Sik looked down, shaking his head slightly as his brows furrowed. Han Ju-Won felt his heart shattering in his chest, and after what felt like an eternity of silence, Han Ju-Won spoke, his voice quivering as he continued to cry.
“Say something.”
Lee Dong-Sik exhaled loudly, looking at Han Ju-Won as he spoke quietly and lowly.
“I’ll leave you alone.”
Han Ju-Won’s already broken heart somehow shattered even more, and as Lee Dong-Sik turned around to leave, Han Ju-Won walked over quickly without any hesitation and grabbed his arm gently, causing the older man to turn around.
“I’m sorry Dong-Sik. I shouldn’t have said that.”
Lee Dong-Sik’s face stayed stoic as he looked at Han Ju-Won, who had a look of pure desperation and heartbreak on his face as he silently pleaded to Lee Dong-Sik to stay, to not leave him alone once again.
“No, you shouldn’t have.”
Lee Dong-Sik harshly pulled himself from Han Ju-Won’s grip and left through the front door before practically slamming it. Han Ju-Won stood in the middle of the room for some time, staring at the closed door as he trembled. He breathed raggedly as he picked up his full glass of whisky, looking at it before tears blurred his vision completely throwing the glass against the nearest wall. His father's words from earlier echoed in his mind as he replayed the moment of Lee Dong-Sik storming out.
“...a pathetic fairytale you know could never happen…”
Han Ju-Won’s lungs closed in on themselves as he slowly collapsed onto his knees in the middle of his apartment, his tears stinging his cheeks as small shards of glass pierced into his skin and spilt whiskey soaked his slacks.
“...You make me laugh boy…”
A loud sob escaped his lips once again as he collapsed to the ground, and as he put his wet face into his hands and began wailing loudly, he knew his father was right. Han Ju-Won was hopeless and completely alone. He’d isolated himself from everyone and had lost the one person he loved the most. He was destined to be alone because Han Ju-Won had never known any different.
Because Han Ju-Won had been emotional. Not until Lee Dong-Sik.