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Somewhere in the universe, somewhere in the galaxy, on a planet, in a city, I walked down alleyways and streetsides trying to find her. It was cold here, autumnal winds blew to signal the coming of winter, and the end of summer. The air smelt of apricots and broken dreams. In the distance, beyond the tin roofs of local residential houses was the city’s skylines. Most of the lights were closed, save for a few unfortunate souls working night shift, or perhaps overtime.
It was 0330 system hours, and the only soul that lived should be demons and those that cannot dream. And it just so happens the one I looked for was the latter. A ghost of consciousness, a girl that could not dream. We agreed to meet up here, somewhere in the parks of the city’s residential outskirts. It was a rushed night call, and the fact that we were both in the same place at the same time was a luxury in itself.
I arrived at the park and started to walk through its pathways. Trees which, at any other time than nighttime, would seem peaceful, now seemed only there to hide monsters that could attack at any moment. But it shouldn’t be too bad. If my baseball bat can eradicate the Gods, it can surely eradicate any random forest demons!
Still, my hands trembled. Not from fear, but from terror. The nervousness I felt from seeing her again. It’s been a while after all, since our brief time in Penacony, where we promised to see each other again. And despite keeping touch, we never quite saw each other in person since. I missed her, I wonder if she also missed me. I never asked.
Then came a pit in my stomach. The anxiety that came from overstating your own worth from others. What if she doesn’t miss me? What if she doesn’t see me the same way I saw her? What if everything I’m going through is just lies fabricated under lies that I chose to believe? Would it be like that? I wanted to run away. Away from this park, away from this world, this universe, anywhere but here.
Beneath the light of sodium-vapor lamps, illuminated; glowing. She was like an angel, a lone star amidst the darkness of the forest. Her head was turned away from me, as if she expected me to come from anywhere else. She tilted her head, and by little I could see her face. Worried, expectant, then she turned towards me, and all that worry turned into a smile. All my nervousness faded away, why was I worried anyway? It was just Firefly.
“Hey!” I waved at her, and she waved back. I stood beside her beneath that orange glow. We looked at each other, our selves reflected in each other’s eyes, “U-uhm…” I stammered, I could barely maintain my breath, “So, what did you call me here for?”
“I recently found out about a pretty nice restaurant nearby. Since we were both in the area, I figured we’d get some nice uhm…” She stopped in her tracks, as if trying to think of something, a word perhaps?
“Dinner?” I tried to answer the question in her mind.
“Yes! Yes. Dinner. I guess that’s one way to put it,” There was a nervous giggle between us, “Come on then!” She held the sleeve of my shirt and dragged me out into the park. We ran there, our shoes tapped down the concrete trail that echoed against the silent forest. Each breath we took felt livid.
Then we got out of the park into an empty street. We crossed an intersection, and there was not a single car in the road. In fact, she stopped in the middle of the road and breathed deeply, “Haah… That’s a good breeze, isn’t it?” She felt the wind hitting her face, playing with her hair.
“It is.” I watched her as she spun around with a giggle, before coming back to a sprint. I chased after her further into the city. Through streets and alleyways, she glowed through it all. As if the moon itself spotlit her amidst the entirety.
Then we stopped, finally, as we tried to catch our breath in front of what seemed to be a noodle shop. The faint aroma of the meals wafted through its wooden windows; it was the only building in the entire street with its lights still firmly on. The sign on the top reads, “Noodles of Eternity.” And I suppose that’s relevant.
“Ah, but we’ve only been open for three years. So, who knows how eternal it is.” Said the owner inside the shop, “Sure, we’re open for every hour of every day, even on holidays. But three years is not a long time, you know?”
“Ooohh… So, the broth’s been simmering for that long?” Firefly asked. We sat down by the booth as we ordered our noodles. The air inside was significantly warmer than the cold outdoors, and we weren’t really excited to come out anytime soon, “How does that work?”
The owner, a man who quietly stirred the stew, looked over to her and said, “It’d take a while to explain, if you’re up for it I’ll explain it to you.” His coworkers were behind him, preparing the rest of the noodles that we waited for.
There was an unfettered passion in the white-haired girl’s eyes. As if the very topic of the perpetual stew intrigued her, “Of course I’d love to know!”
I giggled, luckily there weren't many people this time of the night, so the owner and their coworkers could freely talk to their heart’s content. I watched her nod enthusiastically at the owner’s explanation for how the perpetual stew worked, and her fascination does seem to put some ideas into her head.
“Oh, Caelus! Do you think I can maintain one inside of SAM?” She asked, as she slurped her noodles.
“I… uh. I’m not sure? Can you even fit a pot inside of SAM?”
“Hm, fair. It does get cramped inside.” She put her fingers to her chin, lost deeply in thought, then she sighed, “Alright, I give up. Even if I make some modifications, or ask Silver Wolf for it, there’s just no way that I can maintain a perpetual stew inside SAM.” There was disappointment in her eyes, followed by a small giggle.
I shared in that bit of disappointed joy, “Well- if you really wanted some, maybe I can start it in the express?” I thought a bit about doing it, perhaps with the lance? It does have some fire properties after all.
“If you’re thinking about using that lance you have to have a permanent heat source for your perpetual stew then I don’t think that’s a good idea.” She laughed, “And besides, wouldn’t the conductor have a few choice words about that kind of idea?”
Ah, she’s right. I’m just imagining now the colorful things that the conductor would say to me if I were to make such a mess. As well as the terrible disappointment that Ms. Himeko and Mr. Yang would have towards my careless actions, “Eeehhh… you’re right, we should just give up.”
“Aiy, aiy!” The owner interrupted my brooding monologue, “You can’t make a perpetual stew when you’re on the run or something. You need to settle down first. Stew must have a home. And a home isn’t something that travels towards nowhere, it’s not a journey, it is the destination after a long day’s work. If you cannot guarantee that, then you can’t have a perpetual stew.” He stifled a laugh, “Hell, my house is literally across the street from this restaurant.”
We slurped on our noodles, “I see.” I replied, “A home, huh. I mean, the express is pretty much my home, and we always go somewhere else every time.” Trailblazing is a core part of my being after all. Though sometimes I do wish that I had a place, maybe a planet, to call a permanent home. Somewhere I can settle down. The fantasy is fun to think of, but right now it really is just a fantasy, “I don’t really have any desires to settle down at the moment.”
Firefly finished her own noodles, “I don’t really think about that either. I feel it’s too early, no?”
The owner looked at the both of us and scoffed, “Well, if you two do decide to settle down someday. Then perhaps this district can be a good place? You seem to be enjoying it here, and besides, there’s always a place here waiting to be called someone’s home.”
We finished up and left the restaurant. The cold chill started to set in once more. The remains of dead leaves litter the concrete ground, and there was a crunch along every step of the way. It was silent between the both of us, or rather, we had no idea what to say. I simply followed her wherever she wanted to go.
“Hey, I’m getting thirsty. And the water in that restaurant felt kind of dry.” She spoke.
“Hot about there?” I pointed at a vending machine.
We approached it, punched some buttons, and out came our drinks. They were cold to the touch, fizzy, delectable. She seemed to have bought an orange flavored soft drink, while I settled for a more refined taste, “Strawberry? Really?”
“Well, yeah! It’s wonderful.” I remarked, “You should taste it.” I presented it to her.
She reluctantly took it, substituting her drink for my own, afterwards we both took a sip of our respective drinks. The orange flavor impacted me to my core, along with the idea that as her lips touched the metallic cover of this can, and it has touched mine, then. Then, it was.
Then it was an indirect kiss!
I quickly turned around to try and hide my failing sensibilities. The crumbling pit that dwelled deep inside me, cruel! Cruel! “Caelus? Are you alright?” She asked, her voice filled with concern, “This drink’s actually pretty good, thanks!”
Does she not notice? Or perhaps she does notice and doesn’t care for it at all. Ah, yes. Who am I kidding? I turned around and cleared my throat, “Y-yes. Yours is pretty good too. Though I’m not much of a fan of… oranges.” I handed it back to her.
“Ah, I see.” She took it back and brought back mine, “I suppose for some it’s an acquired taste!” She giggled, as the first snow of the coming winter fell on her cheeks. We looked towards the sky, where the pristine white snowflakes gradually made their way down, their glittering glow reflected only by the streetlight above us.
“Hey, Caelus.”
“Yeah?”
“The sun’s coming up soon, aren’t you going to catch up on sleep?”
Her eyes still fixated into the distant horizons, as if the question was posed to no one at all. Not even me, yet she was fishing for something, an assurance, “And leave you behind tonight? No, I don’t really intend to do that.”
She smiles, “Great! Then let’s get going!” She walked off.
“Uhm, where exactly?” I asked, as I followed her down the winding roads and alleyways of the empty city.
“Out of the corner of my eye I saw something great. It was on top of a hill, and I think I know how to get there.” She kept on walking as she spoke.
I had no choice but to follow her.
Make no mistake, I tried to talk to her. But every time I did it seemed like she was shushing me. As if she was just trying to enjoy the rhythmic tapping of our footsteps. As if she was letting the world sing its own chorus.
We crossed an empty street and proceeded to climb up the stairs by the hillside. The stairway was flanked on both sides by dim torchlights. In the distance, beyond the grassy boundary, I could see the faint glowing of fireflies as they made their way inside following the first snow.
The wind stopped. The entire world was silent when we finally reached our destination. A large, somewhat abandoned shrine. There were no lights in sight, only the vague darkness, and faint illumination of surrounding torches in the distance. Fireflies dot the lands around, showing vaguely the foliage and the trees, “So, can I ask now why we’re here?”
She hummed and looked at her watch, “Can you come sit with me there?” She pointed at a nearby stone bench.
“Of course.” Why wouldn’t I?
We sat together; the bench was warmer than anywhere else in the shrine despite being ultimately cold. Maybe she had something to do with it? I wouldn’t know, but more than that, she spoke to me, “I have a question to ask you.” Her hands hovered over mine; they were warm.
“What is it?”
“My name, Firefly. Do you think it fits?”
What a weird question to ask. And yet it felt strangely relevant, as if an empathetic part of me understood that that name is not hers. Rather it was given by someone important, someone no longer there, “Of course, I feel… It fits you. Where does it come from anyway?”
“Hm… It’s a long story but,” Slowly, she raises her palm towards the empty moon. There, her hands were gradually swarmed by fireflies. Not many, mind you. Only enough to illuminate her pristine, smooth skin, “An old friend gave it to me, he said that ‘Fireflies were like the stars’. Funny, I don’t really know what he meant by that. Do you?”
I know. I do know. I don’t know why but I know what he meant by it. As if a deeper part of me responded within the core memories long since vanished. Was I the one who said it? If Kafka were to be trusted then I did have a sort of past with them, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is the ‘now’, and what it meant, “I believe he wanted to answer a question, ‘During the darkest times, should stars also go out?’ And your name is the answer.”
She closed her hands, and the fireflies dispersed all around us, creating tiny galaxies in the dark stone grounds below. She thought for a moment about what it all meant, her name, what he said, all of it. Until finally, she breathed out, “Even if the stars were to go out, Fireflies will take their place. Even in the darkest times, the stars will never go out.”
I see, that’s what she is huh? I understand now what I understood back then. That this girl right in front of me, whose hands held mine tightly, hopes to live, even in the darkest of times. Even if she were at risk of disappearing tomorrow, she still would try to live her life to the fullest, “Hey, Caelus.” She called out.
“Yeah?”
“I don’t know when this journey will end, if it’ll ever. I don’t know what’s coming for either of us at the end of it all, but I hope it’ll be here in the future.”
I scoffed, “Yeah, I hope so. Maybe we can have a perpetual stew shop too.”
She giggled, stared at me, and closed her eyes.
At first, I was dumbfounded about what she was trying to do, then she opened them back up, and giggled once more. I couldn’t help but react at how cute it all felt, yet it felt like there was something more to it, “Do I have something in my face?”
“No, no. Please, close your eyes too.”
“Okay, sure…” I complied and closed my eyes.
“Maybe I’ll die in a million years, maybe I’ll die tomorrow. Maybe I’ll die in your arms. Who knows, right? When you open your eyes, will I still be here?”
I held on to her arms still, so she was still there. But who’s to say she didn’t pass on while I kept my eyes shut? I didn’t want to open them; I don’t want to see how she disappears right in front of my eyes. I refuse to undergo an experience like that.
I deeply regret this now and yet; must I really open my eyes? Will she still be there when I open them? I held on to her hands as hard as I could, yet either because she’s playing with me, or she really passed, they didn’t seem to have moved at all. Soft to the touch and delicate all the same.
And yet I couldn’t handle it. I told her to let me open them, but she refused to answer. Any breathing, any pulse, I could not feel. As if I held on to nothing more than the hands of a mannequin, yet she persisted in this play. That is, until I found myself no choice but to open them.
The first seconds of the sunrise hit her face and glowed upon her smiling lips. She was still there, holding my hand. Her eyes were filled with relief, as if she was happier to see me than I was to have seen her. The wind now continued, it blew on her white hair as it reflected nature, the world, and she spoke now with words that filled me with assurance. Though I don’t know if it was targeted more towards me, or towards herself, “Still here, Caelus. Still here, always.”