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The cool wind prickles Yuta’s skin, a dull reminder of yet another New Year away from home. Home - funny. He still calls Osaka home, even though most of his life has been here. It’s a bad habit he can’t shake, leaving him feeling adrift, never quite belonging, never quite at ease. He draws into himself, feeling a sudden onslaught of unbridled homesickness. Maybe it’s just that time of year - he always feels like this, whatever this is, around this time.
He leans back on the public bench he found refuge in, away from the rowdy party upstairs in his shared flat. Strangely, he feels less alone when he’s all by himself in moments like these. He kicks at the snow collected beneath the legs of the bench as he mindlessly fumbles in his pocket for a cigarette - another bad habit he can’t shake. He slips the stick between his teeth and brings the lighter close, flicking it on. It takes him a few more tries than usual, and he grunts in annoyance. Reprieve finally comes when the harsh nicotine clings to his tongue and throat as he takes a long puff. He lets it out, watching the smoke rise in small wisps in front of his mouth, moulding into nothingness. He doesn’t particularly like smoking, hates the rancid smell that sticks to his clothes long after, but right now, distant faceless thoughts are clouding his head, weighing his heart down instead. He’s tired. He wants to see his dog, ruffle her fur, and tell her how enchanting a girl she is. When did his life become so not his own that the most mundane things have become something he can only wish for?
He takes another puff, releasing the smoke through his flared nostrils. He hears the crunch of snow under shoes, making him look up. Jaehyun walks over to the bench and slips into place next to him, pulling a face, as he always does when he sees him smoking.
“We were looking for you,” he says, shifting in his seat as he leans over. He plucks the cigarette from Yuta’s hand before he can bring it to his lips for another puff. Jaehyun flicks the spent ash, takes a quick puff, then drops the half-burnt cigarette to the ground, crushing it under his foot.
“Thought you quit,” he chides, exhaling the smoke. Only part of his face is illuminated by the flickering street lamp across from them, casting an almost heavenly glow around him. Yuta is slightly surprised that Jaehyun noticed his absence, and not Mark, but then again, it's Jaehyun - he knows Yuta and his sudden bouts of aloofness.
Jaehyun coughs into his palms. “What’s going on?” he asks, watching Yuta with careful eyes.
Yuta doesn’t answer. He doesn’t know exactly what he’s thinking about either. The silence stretches between them, long enough for Jaehyun to close his eyes and breathe in deeply, as if giving up on an answer. Yuta suddenly feels even colder, so he says, “Home,” making Jaehyun flutter his eyes open. Yuta almost feels bad for disturbing him.
“I was wondering when I’d go back,” he whispers, as if sharing a secret, hoping the ghosts of the city would carry his words and return with an answer. So silly of him.
“You always visit your family during Chuseok,” Jaehyun simply answers, though Yuta knows it’s more of a question when he sees the confused look on Jaehyun’s face.
He feels the cloud in his head slowly clearing out. “When I’d go back. For good.”
Jaehyun stiffens, rising from his slouched stance. “You’re going back?” He blanches, his face contorting in disbelief.
Yuta lets out a humorless chuckle. “You know I can’t do what we do for long,” he says, with a finality that makes his own ears ring loudly. Jaehyun’s face evens out a little at that, as if he’s managed to fit a few pieces of the puzzle together. But his eyes are now roaming Yuta’s face, in search of something that will help him with the remaining pieces still in his hand. Yuta wishes he could help him, but he doesn’t know how. He escapes Jaehyun’s intense gaze. “I’m not you,” Yuta says, his eyes drifting to the sky above them. He can’t see any stars, the thin layer of pollution covering them all. It’s honestly not fair, Yuta thinks.
“What?” Jaehyun asks, confused, his voice tight, like he’s holding himself together, resisting the urge to coax answers from Yuta that he knows he’s not ready to share. That’s who he is - just so gentle, always, that it makes Yuta begin to understand.
“You know,” Yuta huffs, looking at the persistent brightness of the moon that cuts through everything. It’s beautiful in a way that he’s sure people will sit on this very bench and gape at it in awe even a hundred, thousand, million years later. It suits Jaehyun, Yuta thinks, and a warmth courses through him despite the weather. He feels cheesy just thinking about it, but he lets his mouth run. “You’re the moon child kind, made to shine forever.” Yuta, on the other hand, is something fleeting - maybe a shooting star? Or so he thinks, spreading a burst of light in its wake, pretty for a while but dulling down eventually, not meant for timelessness.
Jaehyun scoffs and curls the stray threads on the hem of his jacket around his fingers, a contemplative look on his face. Yuta has handed him another piece to the puzzle instead of an answer, but Jaehyun has always been so perceptive, so he knows that the crypticness of his words isn’t lost on him.
“Yuta, you’re so…” he pauses, biting his lower lip nervously, as if weighing each word carefully, “so free,” he finally says, his mouth twisting into a frown, like he’s angry with himself.
Yuta knows. Jaehyun’s endless chase for perfection leaves him hungry for anything that might offer even the smallest escape from the path he feels so suffocatingly bound to. And so, he clings to his friendship with Yuta like a lifeline.
But Yuta wonders how Jaehyun has never seen right through him.
“All this,” Yuta says, waving his hands at nothing in particular. The coloured hair, the piercings, the impulsive tattoos. “It’s all just me pulling rabbits out of hats in hopes of not burning out too quickly,”
Jaehyun tries to run his hand through his hair but ends up knocking his beanie loose. Before it slips to the ground, Yuta catches it, pulling it back over Jaehyun’s head, tucking it into place. His fingers graze Jaehyun’s very pink ears. Jaehyun catches Yuta’s retreating hand, bringing it to rest in his lap. He looks at him in that strange way, as if he’s planning to pluck himself from the vastness of the night sky and give all his light to Yuta.
“Yet you’re so weightless. Free in ways I can only dream of being,” Jaehyun says. The wistfulness in his voice makes Yuta cower, and he finds it easier to look at his hand lying lax in Jaehyun’s.
Jaehyun intertwines their fingers. “It’s kind of pathetic,” he murmurs, squeezing Yuta’s hand gently. “I long for it.”
Oh. Suddenly, all the cloudy thoughts clear at once.
Jaehyun tilts his chin up, and maybe it’s the expression Yuta wears that makes him look so heartbroken. “Is it that hard to believe?” Jaehyun asks, that I like you? His eyes whisper. And it’s so genuine that it twists Yuta’s heart.
“It’s just... you’ve always seemed so far away,” Yuta says dumbly, still reeling from the sudden confession.
“I’ve always been here,” Jaehyun replies. “You need not give me an answer right away,” he adds softly, his cheeks dusted red. He looks so cute that Yuta curls his toes to stop himself from reaching out to poke his dimples. Maybe it’s the forest treks Jaehyun signed them up for, the way he’s always the first to find Yuta, the way his face lights up even when he says the most unfunny things - Yuta wonders how he never saw the affection when it’s been this painfully obvious. The realization doesn’t hit him like thunder during a rainstorm; it settles on his skin rather peacefully, like the first snow of winter. He really doesn’t need to think about it. Yuta simply brings their interlocked hands close to his lips.
Jaehyun smiles at him, his face so alive that something slams down onto Yuta’s heart, an ache blooming there, different from the one he felt earlier. Yuta has always found his smile so sweet, the kind that makes him wish Jaehyun were his first love. If Jaehyun is selfish enough to search for freedom in him, Yuta thinks he might just find a home in Jaehyun.