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We were arguing, and I can't even remember what it was about—just that it happened in Uzi's room. N was telling me off about something, running his mouth. He's learning more and more to stand up for himself ever since Cyn. Nothing he says is ever too harsh or hurtful. Yet, I always fire back. I go too far, and I say things that are too hurtful. But he doesn’t care as much as he should. He never does, at least not when it’s about himself.
N and I used to have something. We don’t anymore. Back when we were just a butler and a maid, we would look at dog picture books together. We would sneak in little games, find excuses to hold hands, and feel sparks between our fingers. I don’t have feelings for N anymore. I don’t have feelings for anyone. If I tell myself that enough times, maybe I’ll start to believe it.
Uzi is sitting on the bed. She doesn’t contribute to the argument, which is how I know it wasn’t serious. She was busy downloading more anime to watch, preferring to listen to her nerdy music rather than us. She's N’s girlfriend now. They do everything you’d expect couples to do. They cuddle, play games, and even sing anime song covers together. One time, I caught N making a candlelit dinner for the two of them. Was that what the argument was about? No, that’d be stupid.
It was about something else. N was really standing his ground. He stood up straight, proud of whatever point he was making. I stopped him and spoke louder than him, never letting him get a word in edgewise. I get in his face, poke him in the chest. He isn’t wearing his usual coat—he’s dressed casually, like the rest of us. It was supposed to be a slumber party, N’s idea of a fun night with friends. Oh, now I remember—we were arguing about the game we just played, one we used to play back at the manor.
I hate thinking about those days. Not just because of what happened with Cyn, but because of everything before then too. Anything that reminds me of my old self. I’m a new drone now. I don’t need glasses. I don’t care about dogs. I don’t clean floors and dishes. I’m a bad girl. I’m a predator. I’m a super-hot vixen murder bot! I’m not that shy little maid anymore. I’m not N’s girlfriend. I don’t have feelings for N. I don’t have feelings for anyone.
If I tell myself that enough times, maybe the pain will stop. Maybe it’ll stop hurting every time I’m left out of the fun. Every time I’m not the one cuddling with him, singing with him, or doing the things we used to do—the things we promised each other we’d do one day. But we never did.
And it hurts. It hurts like claws scraping across my core, and I just want it to stop. He’s still standing up for himself. He fires back and says the one thing I never want to hear: that I’m just like I was back then. That I was always a sore loser when I lost our game.
I. Am. Not. That. Bot.
I don’t know why I need to stress this so much. I don’t have feelings for N. I don’t have feelings for anyone. All I have is this miserable numbness in my core, this pain I can’t shake. And I just want it to stop. I’m desperate for it to stop.
I didn’t want to do it, but I had to. I had to escape the pain. So I just went for it, in a way the old me never would have. It was a good kiss. Suddenly, we were back in the manor. The two of us alone—Tessa’s parents were asleep, Tessa was in her room with J, and Cyn was playing in the basement with the rats. It was just me and N, with the whole library to ourselves, using it as an excuse to be needy. Not caring if someone caught us fooling around.
My arms are wrapped around his neck, and he held me close. His fingers ran through my hair, and for the first time in a long, long time, I felt something. Something warm and fulfilling. Something I might even dare to call love. It was a moment of pure perfection.
But then, we pulled away from each other, and it was like my dream turned into a nightmare. I had made everything worse. The horror in his eyes was all I could see. His hands rested on my shoulders, mine on his chest. I didn’t want to stop touching him, but when I turned my head and saw Uzi staring right back at me, I knew I had to. I ran out of the room immediately.
I’m a bad girl. I’ve broken plenty of rules in my life. I’ve crossed lines before, but this—this was different. I forgot the rules. I crossed the one line I should never have. I forgot to tell myself, to believe what I’ve been repeating over and over again since Cyn left: N is not my boyfriend. But I do have feelings for him. I will always have feelings for him.
I’ve just ruined a perfectly good lie.