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"Are you okay?"
Felix felt anger boil inside him at the question. He had woken up feeling weirdly anxious for no reason and he never was the best at hiding his feelings. First thing in the morning, Minho had asked him if something was wrong and Felix had replied "no" with a small smile. Then Jisung asked him if he was feeling okay and Felix had answered positively. A couple hours later, Hyunjin had also asked about it and Felix had brushed him away, mildly annoyed.
So, in the car on the way back to the dorms, when Chan asked him if he was okay, Felix just couldn’t take it anymore.
"I am fucking okay, alright? Leave me alone, gosh!"
Felix immediately regretted his outburst when he saw the shock on Chan's face. He stared at him for a few moments, his face now showcasing sadness.
"No need to shout at me, you know. I asked you a simple question."
"You’re the fourth one to ask me this damn question. It might be a single question for you but it feels like the hundredth time for me" Felix replied, more bite in his words than intended.
Chan deeply sighed.
"Well, if you ever wanna talk about it when you’re calm, you know where to find me," Chan said, as calm as ever.
Felix would have preferred it if Chan had shouted at him, maybe it would have helped with the strange feeling inside his chest. Instead, Chan turned his head to look out the window and, with a huff, Felix did the same.
"What the hell was that with Chan hyung back there?" Minho asked Felix once the latter was out the shower and back in his room.
"I don't see what you're talking about" Felix lied as he rummaged through his Closet.
"Lee Felix Yongbok" Minho said with a hint of annoyance in his voice. "You never shout at anyone and that's Chan we're talking about here. Bang Chan, our leader, the one you love."
"We're not going there hyung. My feelings have nothing to do with this."
"But they do, Yongbok-ah. You've been feeling off the whole day and you're not letting anyone in. Not even Hyunjin or Changbin. This is so unlike you," Minho said, his voice getting softer with every word getting out of his mouth.
Felix deeply sighed, shame flowing through his veins and knowing what Minho was going to say next.
"Go talk to him" Minho said. "Apologise and try talking it out. If there's someone who can help you, it's definitely Chan."
"Okay" Felix reluctantly said, getting dressed.
"Good luck" Minho said before getting out of the room.
"Come in!" Chan's muffled voice came after Felix knocked on his room's door.
Felix opened the door to find Chan unusually lying down, scrolling on his phone, almost ready to sleep.
"Hey" Felix said and Chan's eyes widened a bit before he got up.
"Oh my gosh, Felix! Your hair is completely wet, why didn't you dry it up before coming?" Chan said, taking a towel out of his closet before ushering Felix to sit on the bed and setting to dry his hair.
They stood in silence for some moments, Chan drying Felix's hair while Felix both welcomed the touch and tried to think of what to tell Chan.
"All done!" Chan said, way too soon for Felix who missed the touch and hated the way his heart was coming back to a normal rate.
"So, is there something you wanna tell me?" Chan asked, like he knew why Felix was here.
"I'm sorry for snapping at you. It's just... I don't know. I woke up all strange and when you too asked me if I was okay, it just became too much. I'm sorry."
"Oh, Felix" Chan said, his voice as soft as ever. Felix felt like crying. "It's okay. We all have our days, it happens. I accept your apology though. Do you wanna talk about it?"
"I don't know what to tell you though. I don't know why I feel how I feel. I don't even know how I feel."
"Well, judging from how you lashed out at me, I think you feel anger to some extent," Chan said with a soft giggle. Reluctantly, Felix felt himself smile. "The question is now to know why you're angry."
That was easy.
"I'm angry because I'm tired. Physically but also mentally. It is all so draining. I love my job, I really do but it's so exhausting sometimes. And I hate feeling tired because I feel useless. I feel so weak and I feel like I'm not enough."
The last words had Felix's voice cracking. A few seconds later, he was crying, bawling his eyes out as Chan hugged him, having wrapped his arms around him the moment tears began to fall.
The position wasn't very comfortable but Felix didn't care. He focused on Chan, on the way he was caressing his back, on the way he was whispering sweet nothings in his ear until he calmed down and was breathing in unison with him.
"Do you feel better now?" Chan asked as they parted.
Felix looked at Chan and he felt like he saw him for the very first time all over again. He wasn't the freshly arrived young Australian boy he had been years ago. He wasn't looking at Chan in awe anymore - though he still thought he was awesome - he was looking at him with love and adoration for the man he unexpectedly came to love. He never knew his fate was to debut with boys that felt more like family than bandmates and that he would fall in love with the first person to ever believe in him, in his talent. The first person to see right through him, the first person to understand him to a level he never knew possible, the first person to make him feel like he never had felt before. Looking at Chan right now, the cute little smile that showed his usually as cute dimples; Felix loved him.
"I love you, hyung" he said.
After all this time telling himself that he could never tell Chan, that it would ruin everything between them, that it would be awkward... It felt as simple as breathing to confess. It felt liberating for the few moments before Chan spoke.
"You don't mean it like that" he said, his voice quiet.
Felix felt a hint of annoyance at Chan's words.
"How can you know how I mean it? Why do you think you know my feelings better than I do?" Felix asked, anger fuelling him to make his feelings clear. "I do love you, Chan. I've loved you for so long it's almost ridiculous how no matter how hard I tried to get over you I couldn't. And I honestly get it if my feelings aren't reciprocated-"
"They are," Chan said, his voice almost a whisper. Had the room been less silent, Felix would have definitely missed it.
Chan grabbed his hands, pulling him a little closer to him but not meeting his eyes.
"I love you too, Lix. I was so afraid to admit it to you or to myself, and I still am. I've wondered for so long if you liked me back because sometimes it felt like you did and other times..." Chan trailed off, his voice cracking.
"Who? Who did you think I liked?" Felix asked, genuine curious as he stroked Chan's knuckles.
"Changbin. Or maybe Hyunjin. Honestly, anyone else but me."
"I may have had a little crush on Changbin when he started building up but that was nothing. I love you with my whole heart, I love you more than anyone on this planet."
"The same goes for me, Lixie" Chan replied, finally meeting his eyes. "I've gotten so used to loving you that I don't think I could live if those feelings ever disappeared. Not that I think they ever will but, yeah. I love you too."
Felix wrapped his arms around Chan, hugging him tight, the only way he knew how to hug Chan.
"I love your hugs" Chan said, choking on tears this time.
"I know you do. And I love hugging you."
They stayed hugging for quite some time, separating only to lie down so they could cuddle confortably and unknowingly fell asleep.
When Felix woke up the next day, he found Chan starting at him, a fond smile on his handsome face.
"Good morning" Chan said, anashamed that he'd been caught starting at him.
"Morning."
"Are you okay?"
"With you, I'm always okay."