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Dec was excited. He turned to glance at Ant, who was leaning on the car window, looking... tired. Granted, filming for the Prince’s Trust made for long hours and even longer car journeys; but today was the day they had both been looking forward to. They were travelling back to Newcastle to film content for the documentary. Ant turned sleepily from the window, “Youse reckon we’ll have time to nip home for a cuppa? And maybe a nap?” Dec laughed and then smiled because he knew Ant was only half-joking.
“Aye, maybe..” Dec replied, placing an affectionate hand on his knee.
As they stepped out of the car, Dec felt lighter than he had in a long time and he could tell Ant felt the same. He’d perked up and had a slight spring in his step as he walked around the car. He smiled, catching Dec’s eye. We’re back on home soil.
The rest of the morning passed like any other working day, bustling camera crews and countless shouts of, 'Can we take that again one more time please!’ They were filming in a church-come team building climbing gym with youths who were dealing with anger and self esteem issues. Earlier, Dec was slightly concerned that Ant wouldn’t be up for it, being as tired as he was. But after they’d arrived and been briefed, the room was so full of activity that you couldn’t help but be lifted up by it.
After a few interviews with the teenagers, Ant watched the climbers and finally let it sink in how important the Trust’s work is to the teenagers, giving them a chance and to show them that they are capable. God, he must be tired, he usually never gets affected by these sort of things, that’s Dec’s job. To be honest, it was just nice to be around so many Geordie accents.
Ant glanced over at his partner, watching as he held a rope for someone who was climbing. It hit him too, how big a part Dec played in bringing him out of his shell when they were just teenagers themselves; being all confident like he was, always showing off and helping him realise it was okay to make a fool of yourself and mess up sometimes. He smiled at those memories, Dec was shaping him into the man he is today, even before he realised it.
After some further interviews and voice-over sessions, they were scheduled to do a feature at a location used for Byker Grove. But while the camera crews headed to the shooting location, Ant had asked if himself and Dec could take a few minutes out and meet them there.
“This is it Ant,” Dec said, the anticipation clear in his voice, “we’re going back.” Ant had been significantly quieter since leaving the church earlier, and the thought of what they were about to do made him feel both sick and excited in equal measure. Ant rested his head on Dec’s shoulder and since they were sat down, it was a more manageable task than usual. “I’m not sure if I’m ready..” He sighed.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Dec lifted his hand to stroke Ant’s hair, “It’s not like youse to be the emotional one..”
“Aye, I know. I was thinking that me’self earlier.” He sighed again. “I don’t know Decs, maybe I’m overthinking it all. It’s just so personal to us y’know? And with all those cameras there..”
“I know what you mean, love,” Dec shifted so he could look at Ant properly. “It might be a bit scary, but I’m going to be with you all the time. We’re going to be experiencing it together, okay? And if you want a moment, then you just tell the camera man, you know how it works, we’ve done it before haven't we, aye?”
Ant nodded, looking surer of himself now. “Yeah, you’re right.”
Dec placed a kiss to Ant’s forehead and smiled cheekily, “I know. I’m always right.”
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“Ready?” Dec squeezed Ant’s hand and gave him the most reassuring smile he could muster. The sun glinted off the trees as they both made their way into the clearing and Dec slowed his pace as he took in the surroundings. He was suddenly very aware of a lump rising in his throat, and quickly tried to swallow it, thankful for the brief respite from the camera lens as Ant walked ahead, explaining how the area used to be a big adventure playground. He’d been so excited to come back, he hadn’t let it register how emotional it would be to see the place where everything changed for them. He noticed a swing set in a far corner and with every turn of his head, memories flashed behind his eyes, one after another. Bam. Bam. Bam. He sucked in a sharp breath, trying to compose himself.
He heard Ant speaking to the camera a few feet away and walked over to stand with him. Ant seemed to be handling this a lot better than he was, but as Dec got closer he could tell being here was affecting his best friend just the same. Something in the way he kept casting his eyes away so the camera didn’t quite catch them welling up. “... we did all our growing up here.” Ant glanced at Dec then, as if he was speaking only to him.
“It was a really special time in our lives.” Dec could feel himself tearing up and he turned from the camera. His gaze fell on a blackberry bush, nestled at the far end of the clearing and he was taken aback by how suddenly, and with such clarity, the memory came back to him.
They’d finished filming that day, it was summer and far too warm to be doing anything else. So they’d got their hands on a few bottles of cider and somehow found themselves sitting against that fence, too drunk to know what was about to happen. But Ant had been laughing far too hard at something to notice Dec looking up at him. He was studying the way the light reflected back into Ant’s eyes, turning them the colour of the dusk sky. And god, he thought he looked beautiful. Dec was pulling off blackberries and feeding them to Ant, laughing as he dropped them into his mouth. They were always laughing back then. Ant’s lips were stained by the fruit, and as if it were the most natural thing in the world, Dec swept his thumb across Ant’s bottom lip. They stopped laughing then and just stared. It was Dec who finally closed the gap between their lips, locking his hand into Ant’s hair to pull him closer. Ant tasted like berries and summer. And in those brief moments before pulling away, Dec realised his future, however uncertain, belonged with the boy beside him and he had never been quite so sure of anything in his life.
A sharp aching in his chest brought Dec back to the present as he realised he’d been holding his breath the whole time. The shock of the buried memory however, had managed to stop his tears in their tracks; so he turned around once again, fighting the growing urge to vomit.
“It changed our lives.” Dec said it more to himself, in the aftermath of the memory but Ant looked at him with an expression that clearly showed he was still processing the fact they were back in Byker Grove. “Crazy innit?”
Ant addressed the camera again, “I fell in love here for the first time, around this building...” Dec caught the taller man’s gaze and held it, wondering if he too remembered that summer evening.
“Met life long friends here,” Ant continued, “you might know a few of them.” Dec laughed then, because it was either laughter or tears, and with a 20 strong crew surrounding them, he’d rather pick the former.
“We had some of the best times of our lives here.” Dec let the words drift on the air, looking anywhere but at the camera.
Ant noticed how this was affecting Dec and was surprised at how composed he, himself was being considering how shaky he was earlier. He could see Dec was struggling so he brought the attention back on himself to discuss more about the Trust and how they were very lucky to have been given the opportunity they had.
Afterwards, the crew wanted some distance shots which allowed the two of them to walk around the grounds in relative privacy, without microphones. They strolled along one side of the building and down past the swing set, gradually sidling closer to each other as they walked.
“It’s so surreal you know...” Ant continued to speak quietly even though the crew were at the other end of the clearing.
Dec nodded his head and blew out a heavy breath. “Did you ever think, back then, we’d end up where we are now?” He glanced at Ant.
“If by that you mean did I think we’d be back at Byker filming a documentary about Prince Charles, then bloody hell no!” Ant barked a laugh, “I mean it’s crazy.. everything, all that we’ve achieved.. it’s hurting my head a little thinking of it all.”
They were enjoying the comfortable silence, both remembering their time here, when one crew member called to them, saying they were finished and moving on to scenery shots. They’d walked along the edge of the clearing towards the fence and when they reached it, Dec leaned against the wood. “Hey, do you remember that day?” He noticed they were stood right by the blackberry bush and nodded towards it. “It was summer and we’d nicked some ciders and -”
Ant smiled warmly, his eyes deepening with the memory, “Aye, I remember.” His voice dropped lower, “that was the night you first kissed me.”
Dec turned his head and smiled up at Ant, taking hold of his hand. “It was quite a significant moment for me, y’know, aside from the kissing.” He paused and looked down, “That evening, I realised that my future laid with you and that if I was by your side I would be the best version of myself. I really don’t know where I’d be without you Anth.” Dec trailed off, thinking Ant would scoff at his heartfelt expression.
But when he looked up, Ant’s eyes reflected back only adoration and longing. “Meeting you here, it was the best thing to ever happen to me.” He clasped hold of Dec’s other hand and met his gaze. “But didn’t you know? Didn’t you realise I was already so in love with you, Declan?”
The shorter man’s eyes widened, “How long? How long before that night had you felt like that?”
Ant let out a sharp laugh, he couldn’t quite believe they were discussing this now, at the place where it all happened.
“Quite a while.” He brushed the hair that had fallen into Dec’s eyes and stroked his thumb down his cheek. “It was all so simple back then.. none of this messy adult stuff.” He spoke softly, pulling Dec into him and wrapping his arms around him tightly. “Don’t you see? Falling for you was as easy as breathing. It still is..”
Dec closed his eyes, relaxing into Ant’s body and the familiar feeling of safety whenever he found himself there. He didn’t think they would be able to have moments like this when filming for the documentary; he presumed cameras would be following closely behind them at every turn, ready to catch their smallest reactions. So having this brief time alone was a very welcome surprise and he didn’t want it to end just yet.
But it seemed Ant had other ideas because he gently lifted himself away, placing both hands on Dec’s shoulders. “C’mon pet, everyone will be waiting for us.” He glanced across the grass to where the camera vans were parked with everyone now holed up inside. As they made their way through the clearing, Dec thought how different this day would feel to the crew than it did for him. To them, this was just another work day filled with all the same tasks and hours to fill.
But as they slowly left Byker Grove behind them, Dec realised how tired it had all made him. The tidal wave of emotions that he had to cope with today was enough to make him curl up on the ground and sleep for days.
“Hey.” He nudged Ant, “you know that cuppa and nap you mentioned.. you reckon your mam would have us round?”
An amused smile played on Ant’s lips as he glanced across to Dec. “Aye, perhaps.” Because he knew Dec was only half joking.