Chapter Text
“Dont worry, Mother. I wont marry that man.”
It was what i said at that time to appease her. The old woman who gave birth to me. My fist was clenched without her noticing, while i’m showing the most ‘genuine’ smile i have on my face. It was hard for me to do. To deny my own feeling. To suppress my unwillingness and to curb my anger.
Why am i falling in love with a man when im also a man myself? I’ve always been asking myself this question for such a long time until i realized, no matter how much i questioned it, i could never understand. I just fell in love, no more no less.
They say, love comes at the most unexpected time. It was indeed unexpected. So unbelievably unexpected that i was caught off guard when i realized. My heart beats for someone. And that is for Kongthap.
As i went back to my room, i could still feel my mom’s lingering gaze on my back. Perhaps its sadness, or anger, even disappointment. Or perhaps all the three combined.
The feeling only cease to exist after i close the door to my room. Sealing myself in that room, i fall back onto my bed. Letting my mind wander around.
There’s no one to blame in this situation. My mom wasn't wrong, she has every right to be like so. Being a widow is tough, no? Especially if you’re a general’s widow. Our family has too much prestige, and i, as the sole successor could not tarnish this reputation built by the family for generations.
I folded my arm, covering my eyes with it. Letting its weight to close my eyes forcefully. My eyes felt hot as i did it.
“Kongthap..”
“What should i do?”
*****
February, 1985.
Not long after the Chinese new year, a new school was opened at Pattaya region as a joint project by the monarchy and the settler from the west. All young man who have yet to reach the age of nineteen were to be enrolled to that school. Atom, being fifteen at that time, was to one of those eligible to enroll.
After the enrollment period was over a month later, carrying his backpack sewn by his mother, Atom stepped into the gate of the new school building. Walking straight to a specific class he was appointed to.
As soon as he reached the room, his eyes lock onto another boy’s eyes and for a split second his world seems to stop. The boy was donned in a neat attire, his hair slicked back, seems polished. His gaze was rather cold, if Atom was to be honest. With an awkward smile, Atom approached to the boy hesistantly.
“Are you student in this class as well?” Atom asked. The boy looked at Atom’s up and down, sizing him up before finally nodding his head.
“Very well. We’ll be classmates from now on. Please take care of me. I’m Achira Sophonpatima.”
“i’m Kawiwat.”
And after years, Achira and Kawiwat grew closer. So close that they would go to places together after school. And a rain tree behind their school being their favorite place. No one went there despite how close it was to the school. But that only makes it convenient for the quiet-loving duo, Kawiwat and Achira.
“How is trade lately, Kongthap?” Atom asked. With the same stoic-face as always, Kongthap shifted his gaze to the boy next to him.
“Everything went well, Atom. I heard from my older brother that there’s a new route on sea. Perhaps my family could do more trade with many more country starting next year.” Atom’s face beamed with a smile.
“Eiy! Isn’t that great? Expansion to a new place! How wonderful that is! I also want to go visit those countries!” Atom said excitedly.
Kongthap’s gaze soften, without him realizing, his hand was already on Atom’s head slowly caressing it. “Maybe one day you will?” Kongthap replied. Which Atom respond with a nod.
“Or maybe you can go with my family’s ship?” he added. Atom’s smile grew wider.
“Eiy! What a great idea! Kongthap, maybe we should go see those countries together.”
“En, we will.” Kongthap said.
*****
Achira have a suitcases on his left and right side as he stood on the dock. In front of him was his mother, eyes reddened from tearing up.
“You have to be more careful now that you’ll be on your own, Atom.” The old woman said.
“I understand, Mother.” Atom held his mother tight before he let her go. On his face was a reluctant smile.
He brought his two suitcases up onto the ship. His Mother has brought him the ticket to take him to England. After giving his ticket to a clerk, a hencman was summoned to bring Atom to his room, before leaving him with a key which to be returned upon arrival.
It was a very narrow room which makes Atom uncomfortable. He kept his stuff in that room before he brings himself out to the deck. Freeing himself from the suffocatingly tiny space.
The ship was not yet sailing. Still on the dock waiting for more passenger and cargo to be brought in.
The wind felt dry and salty upon contact with Atom’s face. He felt lump on his throat that was hard to swallow. Its like, if he let his guard down for a mere second, he’ll tear up.
Atom closed his eyes as an attempt to stop himself from crying. But the more he tried to ignore it, the stronger his urge to cry become.
He stare blankly at the crowd down the dock. The sky was still bit dark but the crowd he saw was not small. Yet each person there seems so small from where he was at. Perhaps because the scene in front of him, combined with the bustling sound and the wind blowing to his face, Atom’s heart finally felt numb.
His memory rewind to the first day at school, when his eyes first laid on Kongthap.
“I’m Achira Sophonpatima.”
“I'm Kawiwat.”
A smile creeped up on his lips, tears falls free from the corner of his eyes as he turned his back, walking back onto his narrow room. As in his heart he said;
“Goodbye, Kongthap.”
*****
December, 1987.
With many settlers come from the west, the month december became a lively month following their tradition of Chrismast.
A market was opened during the night that day. Atom have planned to went out with Kongthap to join in the fun. As soon as the sun went down, Atom went out of his house as he saw Kongthap’s back at the gate of his house, clearly waiting for him. He run towards the other boy, slid his hand into Kongthap's. Holding hand with Kongthap felt so natural to him.
Atom was grinning from ear to ear. Athough he likes quietness most of the time, it doesn't mean he won't feel happy while joining festivities.
The two walked along the road that started to be filled with people walking to the center of the market. Today’s market seems more lively than it used to. New vendors has been opened by the settlers, offering wide variety of products. Atom went to each stall, looking at all the things as if it was amusement to him while Kongthap follows him from behind. Amused at his pals’ antics.
At the end, the two stops at a stall selling pork skewers. The two brough their newly bought skewers to a place with fewer people. Atom suggested they sneaked into their school since he reckon that no one would be there at that time. And so they did.
The sounds of crickets and the wind became their only companions. Sat side by side, they enjoyed their pork skewers with smile plestered on their faces. With a bit of giggle-gaggle comes from Atom while the helpless Kongthap looks at Atom endearly.
After finishing meal, both of them ends up leaning on a big trunk of the rain tree, seems satisfied. Kongthap fished out a water tub to Atom which Atom gladly received. He drunk a bit before giving it back to Kongthap. Atom Sighs.
”What a wonderful night. Right, Kongthap?” Atom asked as he turned his head facing Kongthap. While Kongthap mumbling his answer.
Kongthap’s hand crept onto Atom’s, gently caressing it with his thumbs. There’s gentle smile on his face.
“I hope we can stay like this forever.” Atom said.
As their eyes locked onto each other, no one knows who started it first. Their face grew closer in this darkness. With twinkling eyes becomes their only guide, they felt softness on each other’s lips at last.
They knew what happened.
The innitially gentle kiss turned passionate. Kongthap’s hand reach onto Atom’s waist, pulling it closer as he nimbling on Atom’s lips. Atom felt overwhelmed by the sudden turn of event but he couldn’t deny that he liked it. He like this feeling of tingling sensation in his stomach.
After what feels like forever, their lips parted, eyes still locked onto each other.
“Kongthap...” Atom’s voice trembled.
Kongthap plant another kiss on his lips yet again which makes his cheeks felt hot. He snuggled into the other embrace, burying his face in it. And as he did so, he find the tune that he liked. It was Kongthap’s heart, beating like ceremonies’s drum. So fast and clearly loud.
****