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They’d stopped for supplies when Kylo felt the nudge again, a sudden urge. Finn was negotiating a deal with a local farmer, trying to get them food for a decent price, when a piercing lance shot through Kylo’s mind. It was only many years of practice honing his pain tolerance that kept him from stumbling.
Kill her.
Kylo shook his head – there was no reason for him to kill this farmer. She had a child helping to pack the cartons of fruits and vegetables, small hands surprisingly practiced at this. Both were so blissfully unaware of how much danger was mere steps away from them.
Make the child watch. Then take its arm so it will never forget.
I won’t do what you say.
Ruin them.
Finn was handing over payment so Kylo busied himself by picking up the cartons they’d purchased, ignoring the thoughts that were not his own and the way his fingers itched to kill. He could hold out. They were almost done. The thoughts would stop as soon as they got back on the ship, they always did.
It seemed Finn had picked up that something was wrong, as he gave Kylo a concerned look, but Kylo just shook his head and gestured to the direction of their ship. They could discuss it once they were back. Besides, it wasn’t as if this was the first time – Finn already knew this happened sometimes.
Snoke had always been able to influence Kylo, even as a child, though that had been the regular kind of influence. Suggestions. Ideas. Fuelling thoughts he already had that were useful to Snoke. The damage had still been done, of course, but it had been Kylo’s hand and will that had guided his actions, even if there had been some manipulation from another.
This was different. It had started shortly after the doubts had pushed Kylo to leave and reject Snoke, taking an unlikely partner in the form of a secretly Force-sensitive Stormtrooper with him. That’s when Snoke had really made his displeasure and the full scope of his control and ability known.
In truth, Finn had been the one who’d given him the courage to leave in the first place. He’d been kinder to Kylo than anyone else in the First Order, had actually tried to help him when he’d found an injured Kylo Ren bleeding out in a corridor after one of Snoke’s particularly brutal “lessons”. The others had been too scared to get close, had simply fled. But Finn, he’d tried to help, had taken Kylo to his quarters after he’d refused medbay. He’d patched him up. He’d talked to him like he was a person, not just a weapon and a living nightmare.
It was… Kylo hadn’t had words for it at the time.
After figuring out this Stormtrooper that he’d nicknamed Finn (a name Finn was happy with) was Force-sensitive, that is when Kylo had realized something needed to change. If Snoke found out, which became inevitable the moment Kylo had noticed, that would change everything. Finn would have to go through what Kylo did. Either that, or die trying, as Kylo almost had many times, and Finn didn’t have the raw power Kylo did, nor the advantage of early Jedi training for control. He wouldn’t make it.
Kylo hadn’t had the strength to run for himself nor for the greater galaxy and the innocents he’d killed. But for Finn, someone he’d quickly come to care about… well, that changed things. Finn mattered to him more than anything. So Kylo had to try.
They’d stolen a shuttle and fled in the night. Snoke had been quiet at first, quiet enough that Kylo had thought they’d gotten away with it. They hadn’t seen any TIEs following them either – they’d succeeded, surely, despite all the odds. It was reckless, yet successful. They were free.
Then Kylo had been hit with a headache so intense that he’d thought he was going to die. Snoke was furious, berating him, threatening him, telling him he was weak, pathetic, a coward, an endless litany of insults and promises of violent consequences. Finn had been concerned, but Kylo had been in too much pain to manage anything that wasn’t a scream. He didn’t know how long the episode had lasted, a few hours maybe, but Kylo felt like he’d been fighting for days when it was over, when Snoke finally let him be again.
They could’ve gone back then, ended their little rebellion before any further torment came. Kylo had considered it, at least for him to return alone and let Finn go live his life, but Finn was determined that they could do this. That they could both be free. Kylo hoped he was right but, even if he wasn’t, he was ready to take the suffering. It would spare Finn from that fate, if nothing else.
It got worse the longer they stayed away. Snoke would enter Kylo’s mind to berate him and cause him pain when he least expected it. It would last for hours. Kylo had thought Snoke’s punishments were brutal before, but this was something else. Finn tried his best to help Kylo through it, kept insisting that if he just kept fighting, eventually Snoke would give up, he just had to be strong, it was worth it for the life they would eventually have. Kylo wanted so badly to believe him.
It was when they visited a cantina that things took a turn for the worse. They’d rested there for the night, trying to pick up some simple smuggling job or something so they could get more supplies. Snoke had been quiet for a few days and Kylo was starting to hope that maybe it was over. Maybe they’d won. Maybe they could finally be free.
Somehow, they’d ended up talking to the singer from the band that had been playing that night. The details were fuzzy considering what happened later. They’d bid him good night and gone to bed, as had he. Sleep had come easily – there had been no reason to be worried about anything.
Kylo had woken in the night standing over a broken and bloodied body, the singer at the cantina in pieces before him. The wounds weren’t even cauterized – he hadn’t used his lightsaber. His hands were coated in blood, there was no doubt as to who’d done this, yet Kylo couldn’t remember anything. It was a complete blank spot.
He hadn’t known what to do, but Finn had walked in moments later, confused and then horrified. To his credit, Finn had kept it together relatively well given the situation. Kylo assumed most people would’ve bolted, or struck him down, or at least gone running for help, immediately revealing the situation to everyone.
Instead, he’d swallowed what might have been vomit, and, with a weak yet sure voice, had said, “We need to go.”
Kylo had followed numbly. Snoke was quiet in his mind yet he swore he could feel a hint of satisfaction somewhere through the connection that had been formed when he was young. He knew this had been Snoke. Snoke had taken control of him and forced him to do this. A show that Snoke really could make Kylo do anything he wanted.
He and Finn had fled, unknowing of what had happened afterwards. Were they suspects? Was there a bounty out for their heads? Kylo didn’t know. He didn’t want to know. He’d killed before, countless times, with no guilt about it, but this… it was different. It wasn’t him that had done it. He’d had no reason to. The singer had just been someone he’d spoken to, someone who had died painfully just because he’d had the unfortunate luck of meeting Kylo.
Furthermore, Kylo knew what else that meant: that Finn was in danger.
They’d had a long talk on the flight away, far away, from that planet. Finn understood the seriousness of this and yet, he still wanted to stay on the run with Kylo. He didn’t want to flee. He was clearly scared, which Kylo couldn’t blame him for, but he wasn’t going to walk away from this. The First Order scared Finn far more than Kylo did, and he wasn’t going to abandon Kylo, not now. Not after everything.
Kylo had just looked at him with watery eyes. No one had ever chosen him like this before, had ever wanted him for who he was like this. He could scarcely believe it. Finn had kissed him, erasing any doubts, and the moment had been far more tender than it had any right to be given they were fleeing a gruesome murder scene, blood still yet to be scrubbed from Kylo’s hands. Kylo wouldn’t have blamed Finn for leaving, but stars, he was glad he was staying.
In the present, they returned to the ship, supplies in hand, and Kylo stumbled as he stepped in, Snoke’s voice louder in his mind.
KILL HER. KILL THE CHILD. KILL THEM ALL.
Get out of my head!
My patience is running thin. You will bow, boy. You will return. You will be mine.
You’re wrong!
This game is getting old. Do as you are ordered or there will be consequences. This is your last warning.
Kylo sighed as the pressure relieved. Snoke was silent now, at least, although the parting threat was concerning. Kylo wasn’t sure exactly what these “consequences” would be, but they were surely nothing good. At least his thoughts were his own again, for the moment.
“Is everything okay?” Finn asked, Kylo just realizing that Finn was holding his shoulders, looking concerned. “Is it… him?”
“Yes,” Kylo said, frowning. “He wanted me to kill them.”
Finn frowned as well. “Great, just great. We should get out of here.”
“He’s gone now,” Kylo clarified, though Finn probably already knew that. “But he said… He said there would be consequences for defying him. I don’t know what.”
“It could be an empty threat,” Finn said, though his face said that even he didn’t believe his words. “Whatever it is, I’m sure we can handle it. He won’t win, okay? We won’t let him.”
Kylo nodded, despite sensing Finn’s unease alongside feeling his own. Snoke had done a lot to him in the name of control; punishments, so-called training exercises, and the incident with the singer. How much worse could it get? Kylo shivered at the thought. It was not a comfort that Kylo couldn’t even imagine what this ‘worse’ could be.
Still, there was nothing to be done about it now, so they packed up their newly obtained supplies and left the planet. They’d been hoping to find some kind of job, transport, bounty, whatever, to keep them afloat, but with the warning from Snoke still echoing in Kylo’s mind, he had no idea what they should do next. Would they ever be free of this? Would they ever be able to just live?
They set a course for a hub world that was more out of the way than they’d initially planned, Kylo thinking it might buy them time to try to figure out Snoke’s plan or a way to counteract it. Finn had agreed, even though they both knew that they were ones at the disadvantage here. The truth was that Snoke would strike when he felt like it and there was little they could do about it either before or during.
Kylo knew it was futile, that whatever was going to happen was inevitable, but Finn still gave him a kind smile, placing a hand on Kylo’s shoulder and squeezing reassuringly.
Days passed as they travelled, constantly on edge yet trying to pretend they weren’t. This was part of the “consequences”, Kylo was sure – the threat of the punishment causing enough dread to become part of the punishment. At this stage, Kylo was ready for it to just be over with, damn whatever it was.
Finn tried his best to keep Kylo’s spirits up, but Kylo could sense his unease and fear. Neither of them could ever fully relax, even sleep becoming difficult as scenarios ran through Kylo’s mind, imagining what Snoke was going to do with him. Would he wait until their reached their destination, ensuring maximum carnage? Or would it be more personal, directed at Kylo and Kylo alone? How painful would it be? Would Snoke just kill him already, having given up on ever getting him back? But then why delay?
No answers came, but the planet they were heading to was getting closer. Tomorrow they’d be there. Kylo wasn’t sure whether to hope Snoke’s next act happened before, during, or after their visit. He knew he wouldn’t get a choice, but he could still hope, if he could decide on which was the least terrible option.
Finn had gotten ready for bed already, at Kylo’s urging, the ship on auto-pilot until the course was complete. Kylo had stayed up to finish fixing their small conservator, something they absolutely needed to make the most of what supplies they could get. It wasn’t First Order rations anymore, food that Kylo was pretty sure would outlast the galaxy itself, but whatever they came across. Sometimes it was dehydrated, but other times it was fresh, so preservation had become vital.
After a while, Kylo finished, taking care of his nightly routine and going to join Finn, sleep beckoning after hours of working on the blasted conservator. Much as he’d found it to be a better use of his time than lying awake and dreading whatever unknown horrors the future held, it had taken longer than he’d expected. Finn was already asleep, looking so peaceful there despite the chaos that was their life at the moment. It made something in Kylo’s chest catch.
It was that moment that a sharp pain drove through Kylo’s skull. He winced, clutching his head, feeling like someone had thrust a vibroblade directly through his brain. It took a lot to make Kylo Ren stumble, but this did, his other hand grabbing onto the wall to steady himself.
Foolish boy, I told you there would be consequences for your insubordination.
You won’t win. Kylo could barely manage to send the thought back to Snoke, the pain making concentration difficult.
I already have. Tonight, I will take from you the one thing you have left. Only then will you realize you belong to me.
Kylo tried to think through the pain – Snoke didn’t mean…
He puts on such a brave face, doesn’t he? Even though you can feel the fear dripping off of him. A man who knows he’s being hunted, fearing the teeth at the back of his neck – the fear is what’s kept him alive thus far. Yet he doesn’t fear you, not anymore; the former monster of his nightmares has become his lover. What a turn of events.
I’m not your monster anymore. Kylo managed, another surge of pain piercing through his mind. He would not give in. Snoke would not win.
Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong, my boy. You’ll always be mine. And now you’ll return to being the monster he feared above all else. You disobeyed me, so tonight he will die. The moment you fall asleep, the one you love will die and this farce of resistance will come to an end.
NO! Despite the pain, Kylo’s mental voice was loud and clear, though all he heard in return was a cruel laugh followed by silence.
The pain was growing steadily and Kylo knew he had limited time. He could… he wasn’t sure what he could do. Snoke had taken control of his body once before, so he knew he could do it again. He didn’t know of a way to stop this. But maybe…
Kylo hurried over to Finn, shaking him by the shoulders until Finn was blinking up at him groggily. “Kylo? Is it the cons– oh, kriff, what’s wrong?”
“It’s Snoke,” Kylo said, another lance of pain making his eyes screw shut. “He’s going to make me kill you, I don’t… I can’t…”
Kylo hissed as his vision swam, fighting to stay conscious. No, he couldn’t lose it now. He could hear Finn saying something, calling his name maybe, but he couldn’t make out the words. Bile rose to the back of Kylo’s throat, the pain in his head worsening further and making his stomach churn and ache. No, no, he couldn’t–
A wave of dizziness washed over him, Kylo’s vision tunnelling, and then the floor was rushing up to meet him, the last thing he registered being the sickening crack of his aching skull against it.
When Kylo awoke, he was but a spectator in his own body. His muscles were spasming, snarls escaping his mouth, his whole body moving like a puppet on a string, none of it under his own will. Snoke was in full control.
Except… Kylo was laying on the floor, on his side, squirming like a rabid animal. His arms and legs were bound, keeping him from being able to move much. Vision swimming, Kylo just barely managed to focus on what was before him: Finn, sitting back and watching him warily.
“Okay, okay,” Finn said, pausing to exhale a breath, his voice shaky, and it was unclear whether he was trying to comfort Kylo or himself more. “I’ve got you, Kylo. We’re not letting him win, you hear me? We can do this.”
Kylo wanted to speak, but he couldn’t, his body thrashing and his wrists quickly turning raw and bloody as he struggled against the bindings. It had been quick thinking on Finn’s part – however long Kylo was unconscious for, it couldn’t have been long enough to really come up with a plan. Finn would’ve had to act immediately. The fact that the ropes were holding, too, felt like a small miracle; it seemed Snoke couldn’t manage to control the Force through Kylo, thankfully.
“I know you’re in there,” Finn said, sounding more sure this time, though he looked ready to bolt if he needed to. “I know you can hear me.”
Opening his mouth, Kylo tried to say something, an affirmative, a warning, a thank you, anything, but instead his throat closed up and his jaw snapped shut, his tongue just barely out of harm’s way. Finn, seemingly instinctively, reached out towards him, as if to comfort. Without his consent, Kylo’s body lunged to bite the hand that tried to help, Finn cursing as he pulled out of the way just in time. Kylo wasn’t sure whether he felt more guilt or rage.
“Whoa, easy!” Finn exclaimed, pulling back a bit, but relaxing a little once he confirmed Kylo’s range of motion remained limited. “Kylo, listen to me, you can fight this, okay? You can. I believe in you.”
“I will tear out your heart!” The words tore from Kylo’s throat without his permission, half a growl.
Finn started at the sudden threat, but then narrowed his eyes. “Oh yeah? I don’t think you will. You’re stuck. You can’t do anything right now.”
Snoke, through Kylo’s mouth, let out an angry, animal noise. “I will choke that pathetic love from your throat and then bathe in your blood!”
Kylo’s blood felt like it was boiling, though he wasn’t sure if that was because of Snoke’s influence, every fibre of his being hungering for violence, or if it was the rage he felt at Snoke for doing this to him. Or, rather, for pointing the blade that he was at Finn, the one person in the galaxy who cared for him. The Dark that Snoke had trained Kylo in knew well how to turn anger and fear into power – Snoke had crossed a line here, one that Kylo would not forgive. Snoke would pay.
It looked like Finn sensed a switch in him, his eyes widening in realization. Perhaps he could still feel Kylo’s true thoughts through the Force, beyond Snoke’s presence – the way his expression shifted towards determination suggested so. Or, perhaps, he’d simply come to the same conclusion: this could not continue.
“Good luck with that,” Finn said, confidence building. “I know you can only do this for so long. You’ll have to let him go eventually.”
Another wordless growl escaped Kylo’s mouth, Snoke showing his raw fury.
“I’ve got you, Kylo,” Finn said, softer this time, the taunting edge gone. “He won’t take you. Just hold on, okay? Don’t give up.”
The night passed, slowly, sickly, but eventually Snoke’s presence receded and Kylo was himself again. He relaxed, finally able to breathe easily, even though he was panting and soaked in sweat, his muscles aching. Snoke’s struggling had taken its toll. His wrists and ankles were bloody by this stage, but the ropes had held, no matter how much Snoke had tried to break through them.
Finn sat up straighter, having remained with him for the duration of the night. “Kylo? Are you back with me?”
Kylo nodded, exhausted but relieved. “Yes. He’s gone. For now, at least.”
And he was gone – before, even when Snoke had been quiet, Kylo could always feel him, hovering just on the periphery of his mind. A sensation he’d gotten used to when he’d only been a child. But now he felt… nothing. Absolutely nothing. Like Snoke had withdrawn completely. No demands, no looming presence, just silence and his own thoughts.
Kylo desperately hoped it would stay that way, at least for a while.
“Thank the stars,” Finn said, letting out a relieved sigh and then grabbing a knife to cut Kylo’s bindings. “I’m glad this worked.”
Inspecting his raw wrists, Kylo felt a strange urge to laugh, but didn’t. “Me too. I wasn’t sure if you’d be able to stop him, or, me, I–”
Finn suddenly drew close, interrupting him by pulling Kylo to his chest. “That wasn’t you, okay? I know it wasn’t. I was so scared I’d lost you.”
Now Kylo did laugh, though it may have been a sob. “It’s not me you should be worried for. He’ll come back, Finn. He always will.”
“Unless we stop him,” Finn said, saying what Kylo had been thinking. “That’s the only way for us to be free, isn’t it?”
“You could be free,” Kylo said, as if they hadn’t discussed this before. “It’ll be safer for you if we part ways now. Once I’ve killed Snoke, I’ll find you again.”
If you still want me, then, Kylo didn’t say. He didn’t want to insult Finn’s care for him, but Kylo understood that ‘attempted murder’ was the end of the road for most relationships.
Finn pulled away then, looking Kylo in the eyes. He seemed taken aback, maybe even angry, but most of all… hurt.
“Kylo, we’ve talked about this. We go together,” Finn said firmly. “The First Order took everything from me. I’m not letting them take away the one and only good thing they gave me, not now. Kriff, I love you.”
Kylo blinked, barely comprehending that Finn could say that after what had just happened.
“I love you, too,” Kylo said, still in awe.
They shared a kiss, the moment far too tender given what had led to it, yet neither cared, simply enjoying what they could. Things had changed now, though, there was no denying that. Their run had just turned into a fight.
“We have to destroy Snoke,” Kylo finally said, after a few minutes of silence. “And be careful – he might try this again.”
Finn sighed. “I know. I don’t know how we can do that but… we have to. It’s the only way.”
An idea then came and Kylo winced. “There is one option.”
“But you don’t like it.”
“No,” Kylo confirmed, already regretting thinking the thought, let alone saying it aloud. “The Resistance. They’re fighting the First Order.”
“And? You think they stand a chance?” Finn asked, the question genuine. “Though I’m not sure if they’d let us join anyway.”
“They would,” Kylo said, hating what he was about to say. “It would be uncomfortable, but they would.”
Now Finn was giving him a suspicious look and frankly, Kylo probably should’ve mentioned this at some point. Knowledge of his heritage was only common among the higher ups of the First Order; Stormtroopers like Finn would have no way of knowing who Kylo was or where he’d come from. Most of the lower ranks had never even seen his face. It helped with authority, Snoke had said.
“And how do you know that?”
Given their rush away from the First Order and the struggle to survive since, especially with the Snoke issue, Kylo thought he could be forgiven for not explaining it all earlier.
“Because,” Kylo started, knowing it was too late now to take back this idea. “We’re going to contact Leia Organa directly.”
Finn blinked at him and Kylo sighed. This path was not one he’d anticipated taking when they’d first fled. Just because he’d left the First Order and Snoke didn’t mean he had to go back to his old life – he couldn’t, really. He wasn’t Ben Solo anymore and he never would be again. But since Finn wouldn’t leave, Kylo couldn’t think of another way to keep Finn safe from him. They couldn’t do this alone. They needed to ally with someone who was also fighting Snoke, someone who actually had a chance at succeeding. It was clear now that this was their only path to freedom.
And with Finn by his side, Kylo felt like he just might be able to face this too.
After so long of trying to kill his past and pretend it never happened, Kylo finally admitted the truth: “She’s our only chance. And… she’s my mother.”