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Step One: Try to stop yourself from noticing things boys are not supposed to notice about their best friends
They are sitting by the fire and Sirius is playing his usual game of try to stare at Remus without noticeably staring at Remus. The fire is dancing across his face, throwing into light the scars on his face and his hair, messy from all the times he had been running his hand through it. His eyes were narrowed at the book in front of him. Remus’ eyes are one of Sirius’ favourite parts of him.
Step Two: Upon failing step one, absolutely do not voice these thoughts aloud
“You have pretty eyes, Moony.”
Everyone turns to look at him, and he blushes.
Step Three: Compliment everyone else so it doesn’t seem so weird
“And you, Jamsie. Your biceps are looking very toned. And Pete! I’ve always said you have the best arse of us all.”
“You’ve never said that.”
“Well. I’ve always thought it.”
James narrows his eyes. “What is wrong with you?”
“There’s nothing wrong with me! I’m just trying to keep the morale high.”
“Well. In that case, you definitely have the nicest hair out of any of us.”
(Nailed it.)
Step Four: find simple ways to distance yourself: for instance, don’t sit next to him at dinner. This will eliminate any uncomfortable side and knee touching
“Remus, would you stop kicking me?”
“Move your bloody feet then!”
“Where exactly would you like me to put them?”
Across from him, Remus glares. “I don’t know, but I need more room, I’m taller than you.”
“Okay, a, you are NOT, and b, that doesn’t mean you need more leg room!”
“Yes I am, you idiot, and yes it does, so move your damn feet!”
“If you two are done playing footsie, we have a prank to plan.”
Sirius kicks Remus one more time for good measure. Remus sticks his tongue out at him.
Step Five: Definitely, 100% do not team up during the amormentia lesson in potions
“Okay, pair up!” Slughorn shouts. Sirius catches James’ eye, but before he can say anything James grins, winks, and then grabs Peter.
(Stay tuned for 10 ways to brutally murder your platonic soul mate.)
“You and me, Moony,” he says, trying not to sound as horrified as he feels. Remus avoids his eye.
They work mostly in silence until Sirius looks over to see Remus utterly annihilating one of the ingredients.
“Moony, you’re supposed to gently crush it, not attack it as if killed your family and you’ve been chasing after it looking for revenge for twenty years.”
Remus shakes his head. “I hate potions. And you really have to stop watching muggle movies.”
“I will do no such things. The muggles understand entertainment in a way that we do not. Here, give me this.”
Remus sighs. Across the room, Peter is covered in something.
He knows he’s doing it properly when he starts smelling old parchment and chocolate.
Step Six: Do not, under any circumstances, think about the fact that your love potion smells like him
“Do you smell anything?” He asks nervously. Remus will not look at him. The tips of his ears are red.
“Uh. Nothing distinct.”
Sirius swallows. “Yeah. Me neither.”
Step Seven: Keep your alone time to a minimum. For example, do not visit the hospital wing after hours by yourself
“Hey, Moony. Are you awake?”
Remus makes a grumbling noise.
“How’re you feeling?”
“Sort of like my body has been brutally ripped apart.”
“How strange.”
Remus smiles slightly, but his eyes remain closed. “What’re you doing here, Pads?”
“Checking on you.”
“That seems unnecessary.”
“It’s not, I assure you. You are of the utmost importance.”
Step Eight: Okay, fine. Keep your distance, then. Friends can visit each other, but don’t engage in anything else
Before Remus can reply the curtains slide open and Madam Pomfrey is there. She looks unsurprised at the scene in front of her.
“Mr. Black. How strange to see you.” Sirius opens his mouth to defend himself but Pomfrey holds up her hand. “Normally I would send you away, but half of Ravenclaw house is purple and the other half is speaking only Latin and I have no earthly clue as to why that could be so here.” She hands him a tube. “Apply this to the fresh wounds.”
(Are you even listening?)
“Sit up, Moony.” He helps Remus up, gently spreading the salve over the fresh injuries.
“I think some of these are from me,” he says apologetically, but Remus waves this off.
“Those aren’t the ones who that hurt. Besides, I’m sure you have some bites from me, too.”
“You’d have to catch me first,” is what he says, with a smirk. Remus snorts.
Sirius continues to smear the lotion over Remus’ wounds. He lets out a sigh.
“If I tell you something, promise you won’t get mad?”
He doesn’t like the sound of that.
“I solemnly swear,” he says.
“Sometimes I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep doing this anymore.”
Sirius does not stop applying the lotion to Remus’ wounds.
“Doing what?”
“You know. This. Every month being in so much pain and hiding from everyone and I won’t ever be able to find a job and sometimes I can’t help but wonder if it’s worth it.”
He fights to keep calm. “What are you saying?”
“I’m not saying anything, really. I just – I think of doing this for the next thirty goddamn years of my life and I – I don’t know how I’ll be able to do it.”
Sirius laughs nervously, fighting to stop his hands from shaking. “Thirty years, huh? Are you banking on someone finding a cure by then?”
“You know life expectancies for werewolves isn’t long, Sirius.” Remus’ voice is very quiet.
Sirius takes a steadying breath. “Thirty years is a long time, Moony. A lot can happen in thirty years.”
“Hmm. Maybe.” But Sirius can tell this is for his benefit only.
Step Nine: Be supportive in a friendly way. Let him know you’re always going to be there for him, but do so in a way that doesn’t make it blatantly obvious that you would stop the earth from turning if he asked you to
“I’ll be with you from now on, Remus. Every transformation, for the next sixty years.”
“That’s slightly ambitious.”
“I mean it. I won’t leave you alone. I promise.”
“That’s not a promise you can make, Padfoot.”
“I can do whatever the fuck I want.”
Remus exhales and stares at him. Sirius can’t look away. “And what about when we’re older? When you’re settled down and married to some bloke and you and James are still best friends and you have everything sorted out, and you and James and Peter all go out to the pub every Friday night to catch up and every so often you wonder whatever happened to that werewolf you used to be friends with but oh well, it would be too dangerous for him, now, what with you all probably having fucking kids, and –”
Sirius places a hand over Remus’ mouth.
Step Ten: Do not, under any circumstances, say what you’re about to say
“There’s never going to be anybody else for me, Remus.”
Remus’ eyes widen. Sirius removes his hand.
“What does that mean?”
They are so close. He can smell the dirt and grass on Remus, can see in his hair some of the leaves that had gotten stuck. He reaches forwards and takes one out.
“Sirius. What does that mean?”
Step Eleven: Don’t fucking tell him how you feel, for God’s sake, you’re trying NOT to fall in love with him
He opens his mouth – he isn’t sure what he’s going to say, if he’s going to play it off or if he’s going to tell Remus everything, tell him that he loves him in a way he had always thought he was too damaged to love, and Remus is so much better than him in every single thing he does and is, and Sirius loves him so fucking much, and maybe he’s the one named after the stars but Remus is the whole fucking sky – when there is a loud cry and then the sound of what must be about fifteen students all vomiting at once.
Remus wrenches away, and the mood is ruined, and the moment is passed.
“You should go to bed, Sirius. You’ll get in shit if you’re caught by someone other than Pomfrey. You forgot the Cloak again, I’m assuming.”
Sirius takes a breath. Remus avoids his eyes.
“Yeah, okay. You’re right. As usual. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Remus just nods. Sirius sneaks out of the hospital wing – which smells fucking horrid, he doesn’t know what the fuck Ravenclaw house gets up to afterhours but it can’t be anything good – and as he’s sneaking his way back up to Gryffindor Tower he remembers he still has that leaf in his hands.
He crumbles it and lets it drop to the floor.
Step Twelve: Do not talk to your best friend, because your best friend will be completely useless
“Then just fucking shag him.”
“That’s not really how this works, Potter.”
“Oh come on, Padfoot, the two of you have been doing this weird thing for like two years.”
“What weird thing.”
“You know! Where you fucking – dance around each other, and shit, and you give each other these longing looks and you always laugh too loudly at everything Moony ever says and every time he looks at you he has this really sickening look of fondness in his eyes and honestly you two make me want to throw up.”
“I’m so glad I have you,” Sirius mumbles into his pillow. James drops down beside him, running a hand soothingly through his hair.
“Everyone and their fucking mother knows how you two feel about each other, and yet for some reason you both insist on saying that you’re just friends even though he is constantly looking at you like he is undressing you with his eyes.”
Sirius sits up. “That’s not true.”
“Look, Pads, I see the way you two look at each other, and quite honestly it makes me feel unclean. I have to take a shower after.”
Sirius hits him with a pillow. “Fuck off, Prongs.”
James laughs. “Just fucking go up to him and snog him. Me and Pete are getting tired of this bullshit, and we have a bet going on with Evans that I’m desperate to win.”
“You’re fucking betting on me? With Evans?”
James nods, looking thrilled. “Yep. Your love is bringing me and Lily together, Padfoot.”
Sirius rubs a hand over his face, but he’s smiling. “I fucking hate you.”
James kisses him loudly on the forehead.
“You really think he fancies me?” Sirius says, as James gets up to leave. James turns around, puts a hand on Sirius’ cheek, and then slaps the shit out of him. “OW! What the fuck, Potter!”
“I’m just trying to knock some sense into you!”
“You fucking prick!” He launches himself at James, who laughs as Sirius pushes him over onto Pete’s bed, where they roll about for a bit, Sirius desperately trying to punch James in the gut and James making kissing noises at him.
The door opens and Sirius looks up from where he is currently pinned under James, so that Remus and Peter are upside down.
“Is there a reason you two are dry humping on my bed?” Peter asks. Remus finds Sirius’ eyes and they stare at each other, which is kind of weird, since Sirius is pinned beneath James and Remus is upside down.
“We’re not dry humping,” he says, directly at Remus. They hadn’t talked about what happened at the hospital wing. Remus hadn’t brought it up again, and so Sirius assumed he wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened. “I’m trying to beat the shit out of James for being an asshole.”
“An admirable feat,” Remus says, his mouth quirking up into that half smile that Sirius loves so much.
God help him.
Step Thirteen: Turn your attention to other people; this might help you get over him
“Fabian Prewett is giving you eyes, Padfoot.”
Sirius doesn’t even look up. “Fabian Prewett can keep his eyes to himself.” He leans over and points to something on Remus’ essay. “That’s not right, Moony, remember you squeezed them and the potion turned that weird orange colour?”
Remus groans. “I fucking hate potions.” He scribbles out the part Sirius had indicated and Sirius still looms over his shoulder. He can hear Remus’ breathing, slightly sped up. He wonders what’s wrong. Maybe it’s a werewolf thing. Or maybe he just really hates potions.
When he looks up Fabian Prewett is indeed looking at him, but so is James, with a stupid little smirk on his face that Sirius desperately wants to punch.
Step Fourteen: Forget what happened. Ignore it. Let things go back to normal
“Moony?”
Remus looks up from the comfy armchair near the fire, where his head had been buried in a book. He smiles softly at Sirius.
“Hi. Surprised you’re not in detention, too.”
“McG loves me too much.”
“Or she just didn’t have any proof that you helped.”
“That too.” He sits down on the arm of the chair. “How are you feeling?”
Remus shrugs. “Still a little sore, I guess. Nothing too bad.” He leans back, resting his head on the back of the chair, so his hair is lightly tickling Sirius’ arm. He wants to run his fingers through Remus’ hair so badly that he has to make a fist to stop himself.
“Hey Moony?”
“Mmhmm?”
Sirius swallows, suddenly unsure of what he had wanted to say. This was a perfect night for it – James and Peter were in detention for a prank he had intentionally stayed out of, and the common room was mostly deserted.
“I just… about what I said. In the hospital wing last month.” Remus tenses up, almost imperceptible, and Sirius wouldn’t have noticed if he wasn’t so concentrated on every single movement. “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable, or anything.”
Remus waits a few moments before responding. “You didn’t make me uncomfortable.”
“Oh,” Sirius says. “That’s good. I would never want to make you uncomfortable.”
Awkward silence settles among them. Remus turns the pages of his book a few times, although Sirius doesn’t know if he’s really reading, since the pages seem to turn much faster than anyone could read.
“Did you mean it?” Remus asks a few minutes later. His voice is so casual that Sirius can tell that he’s forcing it.
“Which part?”
“About – about being with me for all of my transformations.”
Sirius nods, throat tight. “I meant every word.”
Remus closes the book, keeping his finger inside to mark the page. “Even the…” he trails off, clears his throat, starts over. “Even the thing you said, about there not being anyone else?” His voice gets gradually lower as he talks, so that by the end of the sentence Sirius is straining to hear.
But still he nods. “Every word, Moony.”
Remus is shaking his head before Sirius is even finished. “That can’t be true, Sirius.”
“Why not?”
“Because I know you, and I know how loyal you are and I know how dramatic you are, and those things combined make you say words you don’t – words that mean different things to you and me.”
“What do you those words mean to you, Moony?”
Remus shakes his head. “I know what you meant, Pads, and I appreciate it, but I – you can’t just say things like that.”
“Like what?”
Remus makes an irritated noise. “Things like that. Things that can be… misconstrued.”
Sirius’ heart is so loud in his chest he would be surprised if Remus and his werewolf hearing couldn’t hear it.
“And how did you… construe it?”
“Sirius –”
“Do you want to know what I meant by it?”
Remus massages his temples. “Sirius –”
He puts his fingers under Remus’ chin, gently. They are shaking.
“I meant it in every possible way there is to mean something.”
Remus raises his eyes to meet Sirius’. “Sirius…”
“Sixty years, Remus, sixty years with you for every transformation and I don’t want any other bloke and I don’t want Fabian Prewett and –”
Remus shifts up, pulls Sirius down, presses their lips together. The book clatters to the floor, page lost, and Sirius finally gets to run his fingers through that hair like he’s been dying to, and he gets to kiss that smile, and the world around him is changing with every sweep of Remus’ tongue. Sirius shifts, half on the arm of the chair and half on Remus’ lap, and Remus’ hands are on his back, pressing him impossibly close to his body.
There is a loud whooping behind them and they break apart, only to see Lily Evans doing some kind of weird victory dance.
“YES! Potter and Pettigrew owe me ten galleons each.”
“Um,” Remus says, and his voice is so close to Sirius’ ear.
“Oh, yeah, they were betting on us.”
“Really?”
Sirius laughs. “Yeah. Apparently we were being obvious.”
“Not obvious enough, apparently,” Remus says, and Sirius kisses him again, because that is a thing he can do, now he can kiss Remus Lupin.
When James and Peter return from detention James berates them for ten minutes that “One week earlier! One fucking week earlier, if you two had just gotten your acts together one week earlier I would have won! Jesus!”
Sirius flips him off and Remus laughs against his lips.
Step Fifteen: Fail all previous steps. Be happy