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“Welcome back to 243RadioDisney, your number one choice for all the best in Disney News. We are back with our guest Kurt Hummel, star of Disney’s new Blockbuster animated film, Witch Uncle.” The host’s eyes settled beadily into Kurt’s. “Now we have just discussed the plot of the film and its more… mature themes. Like its focus on divorce and custody issues.”
“With a lot of fun!” Kurt reiterated. “There’ll still be songs and jokes and everything you can usually expect from Disney.”
“Right,” the man said, flashing his pearly whites as he said it. “But it leads me to ask… do you have any experience with those kinds of issues in your own life?”
Kurt blinked at him. “Excuse me?”
“You know,” the host continued, “were you able to pull any of that from your own life? Or did you have to go into the role blind?”
Feeling his nails dig into his palms, Kurt responded, “No. I am happily married, actually. Husband, baby girl. Cat.”
“How sweet.”
Kurt hadn’t heard the word sweet sound so much like “I hope you die a painful and embarrassing death” since high school.
“Well if you weren’t drawing from real life how did you approach the role? How did you make sure you were giving it the gravitas that it deserved?” The teeth came out again. His resemblance to a horse tripled whenever he did that. “I don’t think many actors could pull that off convincingly.”
Kurt was now tuned into the conversation beneath the conversation. What he had really said was, I don’t need to see the movie to know how absolutely shit you are. I feel like I could contract Cholera just by sitting in the same room as you.
Both high school and show business had trained Kurt for this very moment. He could give as good as he got. “Well as an actor I often have to draw the emotions from a deeper place than experience: empathy. It’s difficult to do but when you learn to use empathy it can feed in to so many avenues. And I’ve found the best people use that skill no matter what profession they are in.” It’s cute that you think you can intimidate me. I’ve seen scarier emojis.
“And what about the audition process. Can you tell us a little about that? Disney is such a huge deal that I’m sure there was a lot of pressure to pick the right actor. Were you surprised when they cast you?” How many people did you throw yourself at to get this part? I would be shocked if any of them took you up on it but maybe your face and clothes won them over: affirmative action had to benefit Elton John themed lamp posts eventually right?
“Of course I was surprised. It was a dream come true. It took a total of seven months I think to for them to decide but as you said they had a lot of pressure to pick make the right choice. They couldn’t treat it like it was just another job that needed to be filled.” Which drug-addled radio producer hired you? Or did you sneak inside hidden between the liner notes of Mr Meerkat presents A Toothy White Christmas?
“Where were you when you found out? Who did you tell first?” Crack den or the dumpster outside Macy’s probably. I’m sure the rats were thrilled to hear about your success.
“The first person I told was my husband. He was thrilled for me.” Your mind would melt from the sex we had that night. Whatever masturbatory sessions you partake in after you visit the rodent house at the zoo could never compare to what my husband and I do.
“Well I wish you and the movie every success.” I hope you wither and die. Maybe your cat will mourn you.
“Thank you. I hope you come see it.” Watch it and cry, you soulless little cretin.
The on-air light was switched off and the men stood up still smiling at each other. A knock on the glass behind Kurt, made him turn around and he saw Blaine standing on the other side, holding Abby in his arms. They were both smiling and waving happily at him, Abby giggling as her daddy bounced her up and down. She had a little trail of drool extending out of her mouth and dripping onto her favourite dinosaur dress. Kurt didn’t think he had ever seen a more beautiful sight than the two of them.
He turned back to face the host and was pleased to see an actual scowl covering the man’s face. “Nice to see you again, Sebastian. We really should catch up properly some time.”
Kurt felt the man’s eyes on him as he and his family walked out of the building hand in hand. To his left Blaine whispered something to Abby and Kurt saw her blow a kiss over her daddy’s shoulder.