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Kenma did notice the man staring at him, of course, despite Hinata’s ringing,insisting loudness about it, or Yamamoto’s lewd jokes. He noticed a lot of things other people didn’t. That was a fact learned after 26 years of life he spent on this earth. The old man that had been here before, and most likely was going to continue being here after any of them wasn’t just a drunk, he was clutching a wrinkled photograph of two children and sobbing to himself when the bartenders were away talking with people at the other side of the bar. One of the waitresses didn’t just have eyebags from, as most would guess, working the nights at a bar, but she continually sat down in the dark corner between the bar and the personnel room and read a textbook. Something about literature history, Kenma could gather. The two bartenders didn’t get along, and one of the waitresses was high. The lamp of the bathroom didn’t work, and the owner of the bar was repeatedly moaning over papers of taxes, trying to do the math.
So yes, point stood, Kenma noticed the man staring at him. Noticing things didn’t mean he was going to actually do something about them.
Yamamoto nudged his shoulder playfully. “Come on, dude. The guy is just your type.”
“Is he now?” Kenma deadpanned, sipping from his gin and tonic. “Didn’t realize.”
”Yamamoto is right.” Hinata nodded agreeably, as if this was a topic of discussion he had paid great mind to. “It’s time you got laid.”
Kenma squinted at both of them. “Since when is my sexual life a matter of worry for either of you?”
“Since you graduated college and stopped meeting people.”
“How long has it been since you last went out before this?” Hinata asked, every piece of his body shaking with the need to move. Kenma enjoyed the aloofness of Hinata’s hyper-activity, more so in highschool, but at 26 when he felt like a middle aged man on the verge of retirement, the athlete’s energy downcasted him.
“What does it matter to you?” Kenma bit back, but then shook his head. Hinata meant well, as did Yamamoto. He took a deep breath. “Listen, I’m fine. I choose not to go out because I like it this way. I’m certainly not gonna let you guys make me pity fuck someone to… to… I don’t even know what you guys think you’re fixing. I’m fine.”
“Are you happy?” Hinata put his chin in his palm. Yamamoto whistled, humorlessly.
“That’s not… What kind of question is that? How am I- Are you happy?”
“Yes!” The orange haired man beamed. “I was a bit depressed, because it was getting too easy to win matches, but now that Oikawa-san beat us at the olympics, I have challenges to look forward to again!”
Kenma opened his mouth to say something, but closed it again. It was no use comparing oneself to Hinata. You couldn’t win. Yamamoto turned to look at the younger guy. “You-” he started, and blinked. “No, actually, you shouldn’t be a part of this conversation. You-you- oh my god. I’m angry. I want to hit something.”
Yamamoto got up from his chair, shaking his head to himself, muttering something under his breath as Hinata blinked behind him, confused. “Did I say something wrong?” He watched after Yamamoto’s receding form. “Why is he angry?”
Kenma waved his hand dismissively. “Nevermind him. When is Kageyama coming?”
“Ah, let me check- oh, he is in front of the door! Let me go get him, Kenma.” Hinata patted him on the shoulder before he ran to the opposite side of where Yamamoto was walking, and left Kenma alone at the table in the process. He didn’t mind the minute of peace. The bar was getting louder as the clock approached midnight, and maybe his friends were right about him not going out - but Kenma didn’t want to go out. Most people ferociously bored him, with their dooming self pity or excruciating self involvement. It’s not that Kenma thought he was just better than everyone else (well, most), but two wrongs didn’t make a right.
“I see you have a drink already, but I can get you something sweeter.” When Kenma turned to look at him, immediately unimpressed, the man blinked and stuttered. “Uh… some-something sweet like you…”
He rolled his eyes. “Seriously?” He said. “You’ve been looking at me for half an hour, you’d think there’d be some better pick up line.”
The man blinked at him again, like a confused cat, and then stupidly, he grinned. “Actually, my first idea was something like… If you are cluster A and I’m B, should we bring out our common elements through a union.” Kenma stared at him. “Some people are into nerds, alright?”
“Oh my god .” He groaned, putting his face onto his palms. “ Of course this is the kind of man that hits on me - I can’t believe my friends thought I would pity fuck you.”
“Pity fuck?” The black haired man raised two brows, easing himself onto the bar stool right beside Kenma's. “Hey, I don’t think I’m that ugly. Or-” He squinted. “Did I get cursed and get really hideous? I did think the bartender was shooting me nasty looks.”
Although Kenma almost - almost - laughed at that, he shook his hand and turned his face to look at his own drink. “Listen,” He started, but the man waved his hand.
“I can see you’re not interested in, uh, pity fucking. You don’t even know my name. I assure you, I’m not so unpleasant to look at under better lighting.” He leaned in, putting his chin in his palm, looking at Kenma with a slight tilt to his lips as if he wasn’t getting rejected in real time. “We can just talk. Socialize, and all that. Your friends seemed to go somewhere.”
Kenma narrowed his eyes. With the orange light of the bar hitting the side of his face, his sharp features even more pronounced, the man was certainly something to look at. “And where did your friends go?”
“Huh, not sure. You see, none of them are as pretty as you, so I-” He started laughing when the blond glared at him. “Okay, okay. Just talk. Can I take it from the top again?” He extended his hand out. “I’m Kuroo Tetsuro.”
Kenma, despite his better judgment, grabbed his hand. It was warm, and solid, and bigger than his. The tip of his fingers brushed some bracelets hidden under Kuroo’s sleeve. Kuroo held his hand for longer than necessary. “Kozume Kenma.”
“Nice to meet you, Kozume-san.”
“Just Kenma.” He took his hand back, and Kuroo grinned even bigger. “I don’t like honorifics.”
“Sure. Now, Kenma, sorry if this is too personal, but how are you friends with national athlete Hinata Shouyou?”
He made a face. “Is that why you really came to talk with me?” He asked, voice already poisonous. He couldn’t make sense of the disappointment that turned his stomach. “I’m not gonna-”
Kuroo reached and held his elbow as he was trying to get up from his seat. “No, Kenma.” He said, calmly. “That’s not why I came to talk to you. I came to talk to you because I think you’re attractive. I’m not Hinata-san’s fan - I just played some volleyball in highschool, so I follow the league.”
“Okay.” He looked down at the man’s hand still wrapped around his arm. “You can let go now.”
“Sorry.” He let go, and smiled at him. “I really think we can get a sweeter drink.”
“I don’t like sweet cocktails.” He clenched his jaw, but then he caught the look in Kuroo’s eyes, and he shrugged. “I can do another gin and tonic.”
Kuroo got himself a pina colada, and laughed really loudly when Kenma got a sip of it and made a ridiculous face in reaction. “I think you might just be the first person in the world that doesn’t like a pina colada.”
“Not true. You should spend time in a programming class in college and see how many people get through a night with whiskey and coke.”
“Oh!” Kuroo beamed, ridiculously happy about being able to get some information out of him. “Are you in university for programming? You don’t look that young- sorry, is that-”
“I’m 26. I finished undergrad at 20, but,” He shrugged, “Programmer are miserable even in corporate.”
“20?” He asked, sipping from his cocktail.
“Yeah. I went to university in Europe, so undergrad was 3 years, and I started it a year early, so-” He stops twirling his glass in his hand with a sudden thought. “Wait, you aren’t in university, are you? No way I’m talking with a kid on top of pity fucking-”
Kuroo choked on his drink laughing, but then he shook his head. “No, no, Christ. I’m 27. You know, one second you are calling me hideous, and then you say my looks are fresh enough to be a college student. I’m utterly confused.”
“I did not say you’re hideous.”
“So you think I’m attractive, too?” He asked teasingly, leaning a bit more than necessary onto Kenma’s side.
“I did not say that, either.” The blond rolled his eyes, unamused. “So, what do you do?”
“Well, I wasn’t such a genius as yourself, and I did go to uni in Japan, so I finished Astronomy undergrad at 22.”
“And after?” Kenma asked, actually a bit curious now, ignoring the comment about his supposed genius.
“Masters in the States for two years, took a gap year, and got back in a PhD program at 26. I’m still dealing with that now.” He raised the pina colada in the air, pointedly. “You see why I need sweet drinks.”
“What’s your PhD about?”
“Uh… Quantum Physics? I really like space, and Quantum is, well, the building blocks of everything about it, everything around us.”
“Right.” Kenma said. “Specifically, though? What is your research on?”
“Interpreting Quantum mechanics in terms of Random Discontinuous- yes, I know, that’s the usual look.” For his credit, when he turned to sip at his cocktail again, his hair covering a bit of his eyes, Kuroo really did look embarrassed.
And Kenma thought it was maybe a slight bit adorable.
“I did do a bit of reading on quantum computing before… I was interested in the sort of software building it takes to get to that efficiency, and well, it’s not my area, but I am interested in how far we can go with coding programs that work better than us. I mean, anyway-” He glanced at Kuroo again, and actually smiled when the man looked back at him. “I think it’s interesting.”
“Yeah. I think so too.” He laughed, then squinted. “Well, it would suck if I didn’t, seeing as I’ve been spending my last two years on it and let me tell you, the pay really isn’t worth the trouble.” He stopped his rambling, and coughed into a fist. “Anyways. Did you do a PhD, or anything like that?”
“No, I’m not really someone suited for Academics. I dropped out of my Masters programme after the first year.”
“Really? A genius like you?”
“You just made that up yourself, I’m not a genius.”
Kuroo swirled his straw with a little umbrella on it around his drink. “What, then? Don’t tell me you failed out of the programme?”
“Well, no.” Kenma snorted, thinking back to being 21 and telling his friends and family he was dropping out of one of the best schools in the world, if not the best for his specific degree, for basically no reason. “You could say it didn’t follow the direction I wanted to follow.” Kuroo raised an amused eyebrow at him. “Okay, well, it wasn’t challenging enough. I got bored, happy? You know, all this genius talk from a guy getting a PhD in goddamn Quantum Physics feels a bit hypocritical.”
“I didn’t say it isn’t challenging.” The black haired man raised two hands in the air defensively. “I’m plenty challenged.”
“Whatever.”
“So, what are you doing now?”
“Software engineer. I was really close with one of my professors in my Masters, and she referred me to an internship in a really good company when I dropped out. I guess I had some other qualifications, too. Sort of traveled around a bit for a year or two, networked my way up, and-” He shrugged dismissively. “I work remotely now.”
“Right, so,” Kuroo looked him up and down slowly, and Kenma had to physically stop himself from shying away in his seat, “Get me this. You’re not only a genius and like, insanely hot, you also have stupid amount of money, don’t you?”
The blond blinked. “I-”
“Shit, now I really feel like you’re out of my league.”
“That’s not-”
“Kozume-san!”
Kenma winced in his seat with shock, only to turn back and see Kageyama giving him a full on body bow while Hinata was pulling on his elbow repeatedly. “Stop, Kageyama you idiot, Kenma is trying to get
laid
-”
“Oh my god .” He groaned, hitting his head on the bar stand as Kuroo started giggling way too loudly right next to him.
“Kozume-san, have you been well?” Kageyama continued, as horribly passionate he’s about everything, despite Hinata’s constant pulling.
“I told you not to call me that!” The blond squealed, and raised his head only with the intention of banging it on the table again, but a hand slipped in between his forehead and the table.
“Ow.” Kuroo said, smiling ear to ear when Kenma looked at him. “Do software engineers have really hard skulls?”
Before he could say anything more to embarrass himself any further, Kageyama started swatting at the shorter man. “Stop it, you tangerine, don’t pull on my sleeve, you’re gonna make it go loose-”
“Hinata.” Kenma said, glaring at his friend. “Scram. Right now.”
Hinata slapped a soldier’s salute. “Sir yes sir!” Then, somehow, he managed to drag Kageyama, who had significant height on him, through the crowd despite the man’s loud and obvious protests. In a corner, Kenma saw Yamamoto watching them, and his highschool friend’s eyes followed them back to Kenma, landing on Kuroo. Grinning, he raised his beer as a toast.
“Okay.” Kenma said, a bit dazed. “Nice talking to you, man of science. I’m… I’m gonna go home and never talk to anybody ever again.”
And he did get up from his stool, reaching into his pocket to pay his share of the tab, but Kuroo caught his wrist. “Let me get it.” The man said, getting up from his seat too. “And, Kenma, do you smoke?”
The blond stared, confused as the man dropped a seemingly appropriate amount of cash on the counter. When Kuroo turned to look at him again, questioningly, he hesitated. “Uh… only in dire circumstances, I guess.”
“Okay, well-” Kuroo shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans and looked back at the crowd, then at Kenma. “Is your apparent social circle of national volleyball players saying you’re trying to get laid dire enough, or-”
“You’re an ass.” Kenma decided, turned on his heel and started walking through the crowd. Really, that’s not what he told himself, but - he only continued because he could hear the surprisingly high pitched laugh of the black haired man following him behind.
“Really,” Kuroo continued, a bit out of breath from running after the blond as they stepped outside the bar into the night, “Do you collect them on purpose, or like do you branch into different sports, too?”
Kenma stopped abruptly enough for the man to almost crush onto his back, but Kuroo did manage to stop at the last second. Kenma turned to look - well, up at the guy. It was obvious he had been taller, but he hadn’t realized- “Does the super nerdy pick up lines and out right bullying work for other guys?”
“I’m not sure. I didn’t really try pick up lines on anybody else because I’ve never cared to impress someone as much before.”
Kenma stared up at him, at his stupid amused face and dark eyes and high cheekbones and well, fuck . “That- that’s not true.” And he stuttered. Actually fucking stuttered.
“Everyone else thinks I’m attractive enough to-”
He had to get on the tip of his feet, and granted it was a bit hard to stay on balance like this, but Kenma can, apparently, reach high enough to kiss the man.
But his lips didn’t move under Kenma’s, and Kenma wouldn’t say he was a sex god or anything, but he wasn’t under the impression he was particularly bad at kissing. He felt his sudden urge of courage die down within him, stomach twisting. He let himself drop down, red spreading around his cheeks with embarrassment. “Sorry.” He muttered, taking a step back, “I didn’t realize you didn’t want to-”
“God, no, I,” Kuroo reached and held onto his cheek, his palm warm against Kenma’s blushed skin. “I do. I was just surprised. Can I?”
This time, Kenma didn’t have to think about balancing on his tiptoes, because Kuroo actually bent down to connect their lips, and it was safe to say the black haired man wasn’t a bad kisser either. Kenma held onto the collar of his jacket, feeling out of breath already. Hell, it wasn’t as if he really hadn’t been with anyone, like Yamamoto and Hinata made it seem. University life in Europe was drastically different from Japan, and at first it was a culture shock to the 17 year old kid he was, but he had gotten used to it quite quickly. Then, Masters were so painfully boring, and he wanted to have fun - and he had. He had even tried a relationship, like an actual, adult one, not just sex and hanging out sometimes and more sex. And yes, maybe his friends were a bit right, maybe he wasn't as social as he used to be, and it was really a stretch to say Kenma had ever been social despite the number of people he hooked up with, but it wasn’t like that was involuntary. Kenma found most people and things dreadfully boring, and he didn’t think the sex was worth the effort it took to get there most times. Effort like, talking to people and getting to know them and all sorts of other torture.
But Kuroo wasn’t boring. And he certainly was a good kisser.
They broke apart, out of breath and disoriented. “Okay.” Kuroo said, “Wow.”
“Um,” Kenma looked up at him, “Smoke?”
They leaned on the side wall, under the blinking lamp with flies roaming around it. Not very sexy, one would argue, but Kenma did come to find out Kuroo Tetsuro looked good under any lighting. He had a pack of almost entirely new menthol cigarettes, the kind you popped between your teeth and felt like you had just chewed mint gum after you finished. “Wow,” Kenma looked at his hand after he lit one, “This takes me back.”
Kuroo was lighting his own one when he laughed at that. “Sentimental history with menthol cigarettes?”
“Yeah, from like, 19. I didn’t know put-together adults at the age of 27 still smoked them.”
“Hey, hey, I wouldn’t go so far as to call myself put-together.” He took a drag, and waited a few seconds before he let the cloud of smoke out. Kenma watched it gently move through his features, under the light. “But thank you anyway.”
“How much more put-together does it get than a PhD in Quantum Physics?” Kenma leaned on the wall, letting himself relax a bit as he took a drag too.
“I don’t know, a remote working software engineer genius with shit ton of money?”
Kenma shook his head, but there was a tilt to his lips regardless. “You’d be surprised.”
“Really? Tell me, what do you have that’s not put together in your pitiful little life?”
“Well, at least you’re doing something you are actually interested in. I’d call that a success.” He realized the man was staring at him a bit late. “What?”
“You see how that sounds though, right?” Kuroo tilted his head at him. “I mean, you- okay.” He bit his lower lip, conflicted. “What challenges you enough to interest you? You clearly get bored of your current job.”
“I haven’t really thought about it-”
“Kenma, please. I know a career challenged college kid when I see one.”
“I am a 26 year old adult.”
“Point stands, you have an idea in mind. Tell me.”
He took another drag of his cigarette, staring into the night city before he answered. “Something creative.” He said, finally. “If anything's patterned, no matter how complicated, it gets old at some point. I do some software maintenance for large file video games right now, fixing bugs before and after launch, but AI is getting good enough at writing code within given instructions that we rarely have bugs anymore, and everyone in the industry is a big hectic because they think they are gonna be out of a job- sorry, these are all boring details. Anyway. I would like to make my own game.”
Kuroo nodded. “Why haven’t you?” He asked, as if it was such a casual thing. “You want to do the creative part, and you already have the coding part figured out. It seems like it would be easy.”
“Not really, there are all kinds of factors. Even if I came up with a concept or a storyline, I would need concept artists, animators, actual writers, voice actors. Hell, if I were to go for something with heavy CGI and vfx for realism, like the Last of Us, I would need actual actors. I would need to decide on a combat game or an open world RPG or-or something else. The coding’s fine, but it’s labor, well that’s without AI. Even with AI, actual human supervision would be needed, and I possibly cannot do that for an entire game by myself. I don’t even know- I mean, the game engines are usually standard models, but I don’t know anything that’s open source that I can just take, they are mostly trademarked and it would take so much to make myself a new one. I could probably employ anybody, I definitely have the connections to find investors, but-”
“Kenma, Kenma.” The man pushed himself up from the wall and took a step closer to him, features softened by the night’s shadows, but still unbelievably handsome. “Okay, I don’t really know how you make a game, but maybe don’t try to fix everything right now, and you can start small.”
“Right.” He said, but now Kuroo was too close for him to actually focus on whatever he was saying.
“Some might even say…” the man trailed off, “Start on a… quantum scale.”
The silence was deafening. “Wow.” He said, the spell now broken.
“Sorry.” Kuroo scratched the back of his neck. “That was really horrible. I’m sorry. I got carried away. You would think I might get better at these at some point.”
A car sped past the street, and under its tail lights, Kenma reached up again to kiss the man on the lips. Now they were both not surprised, and Kuroo’s mouth smelled of a sour mix of the bitter tobacco and the burning menthol. Although he was 26 now and not 20 where he would find that hot, with Kuroo, it just seemed to be. A bit nasty, which added to the appeal, somehow. He raised a hand to dive into the man’s black hair, messy and pointing in every direction. It was surprisingly soft and thick.
Kuroo’s one hand grabbed around his waist, and when he softly bit on Kenma’s lower lip, he did actually moan into his mouth, which made the man break into a smile in the middle of the kiss. “You’re a jerk.” The blond said, pulling at his hair only slightly.
The man’s thumb caressed his lip, holding onto his chin. Their faces were so close. “You could start by, like, making an original character.”
“Don’t-” He squeezed the fabric of Kuroo’s sweatshirt under his jacket in his palm as their lips brushed. “Don’t talk about that right now.”
Kuroo’s body trapped him between the wall and himself, kissing him so achingly slow Kenma wanted to beg him to speed up already. Embarrassing, he knew. Maybe he really should be getting laid way more.
He melted again, whining as quietly as he could in the street when the man’s hand started to venture inside his clothes, spread on his chest. Kenma was usually a chronically cold person, freezing when everyone else was okay, but now he felt as if every part of his skin was on fire as Kuroo caressed it.
He dragged his hand down from the man’s dark hair, slowly pressing it down his chest and waist until he hooked a finger to his belt and pulled Kuroo to himself hard enough their hips crushed onto each other. The older man moaned loudly into the kiss, and the sound fractured through Kenma’s body like electricity. Vibrating, low, demanding. If friction could get this sound out of his throat, Kenma wondered what other sounds Kuroo made in much… closer positions. Without complications such as fabric between them.
“I thought we were gonna just socialize.” He said, gasping for breath. “I feel tricked.”
Kuroo’s thumb caressed the softness of his stomach under the shirt. “ I thought we weren’t talking .”
“Hm, now I feel immensely chatty.” He grinned up at the man. “Do you wanna go to… um… somewhere?”
“Yes, that doesn’t sound suspicious and like you’re a serial killer, at all.” Kuroo nodded in agreement.
“As if I could do anything to you.” Kenma grumbled. “You’re, like, twice my size- stop grinning, that wasn’t a-”
“Compliment?” Kuroo bent down and stole another quick kiss from him. “Why’d I hear it as you enjoying it?”
They spent some more time making out in the blinking light of the bar, until people started muttering under their breaths about them, and Kenma decided texting his friends was enough while Kuroo gave them a quick call. When he finished talking, he pushed his phone into his pocket, walking to where the blond was standing. “So,” He said, “Where to?”
“I have no idea, actually.” Kenma shrugged, feeling more careless and spontaneous than he had in years.
“You wanted to go somewhere.” Kuroo laughed, grabbing his hand as they started walking out of the dark valley the bar was in. when he realized Kenma was staring at their embracing hands, he frowned. “Do you not-”
“I don’t mind.” Kenma said quickly. To prove the point, he got a bit closer to the man, letting their shoulders touch as they walked together.
“There’s an observatory close here, which would be a good date because I know the Professor, but-” He tapped on the watch on his left wrist. “It’s been closed for hours by this point.”
“Yeah.” Kenma said, hesitant to continue, but he looked down at their hands again. “We could go next time.” He said, voice high pitched with worry. “Um… In the morning, when it’s open.”
“You mean-”
“Yeah.”
Kuroo smiled warmly at him. “I would like that.” He said sweetly. “Although, observatories are not used in the mornings, since, well, the point is to look at the stars.”
“Well,” He blinked, stuttering, “ I don’t see how I was supposed to know that.”
“I feel like it’s common sense, really-”
“I’m not the one with an astronomy degree, am I?”
The older man stopped, and pointed Kenma’s chin to himself with three fingers before he gave him a deep kiss. “I’m just messing with you.” He said, brushing his lips on Kenma’s. “Though, I do find it a bit hot when you get mad at me.”
“Is your house closer or mine?” He blurted out. Maybe patience was a virtue, but Kenma wasn’t really a man of manners.
“Oh, well, I live 30 minutes by car.”
“Mine, then.” Kenma decided, stopping by the side of the road, eyes searching around to see if there were any taxis nearby.
“Are we-”
“Unless you don’t wanna.”
“Oh, I do .” Kuroo pulled an arm around his waist. “But I also… Listen, when I came to talk to you at the bar, my intention was a one night stand, but I- I mean, I really like talking to you, and I think I want this to be more than a one night stand.”
“Okay.” Kenma agreed easily. “I think so too.”
“Okat.”
“Does that mean we can’t fuck tonight?”
Kuroo’s eyes widened visibly, but then he chuckled. “No,” He said. “We absolutely can fuck tonight.”
“Good!” The blond said. “Now, I need to call a taxi.”
They found a bank on the side of the road to sit as they waited for the taxi Kenma called on an app to arrive. The app said the average wait time is about ten minutes, so Kenma put his head on the man’s shoulder, relaxing as they talked a bit more.
“And are you entirely satisfied with what you’re doing?” He asked, tracing his fingers through the pits of Kuroo’s knuckles as the man rested a hand on his thigh.
“What?”
“You acted like it was so weird because I’m not happy with my job. You might not make a lot of money yet, but most people would call getting a PhD in Quantum Physics hell of a success, I think. So. Are you satisfied?”
“Am I satisfied?” The older man repeated the question as if it was his first time thinking about it. “I’m not… unhappy with it.”
“That’s not a real answer, Kuroo.”
“Okay, well-” He sighed. “I like my work. It’s hard, but it’s not like I thought or wanted it to be easy. I mean, it’s such a mystery part of physics, that sometimes… I feel really lost. I guess I just expected some more certainty.”
“Like, what, you wanted to prove string theory by undergraduate?”
“You are more of a jerk than me, you know that?” Kuroo poked him in the stomach.
“Okay, okay, sorry.”
“Well, I guess it’s impressive stuff, what we do, I just don’t see an end to it. I mean, I’m almost 30, you know? I still don’t really feel like an adult. I don’t know if this branch will ever make me a sustainable living, really. When I was 18, I kept going because I convinced myself I would find a way when I was older. Now 27, I still pay rent, I barely have any savings, and I feel just as confused as I was at 18, just more of a disappointment now.”
“I don’t think anyone would think you’re a disappointment.”
“You’d be surprised.” He casted his eyes down, chuckling humorlessly when Kenma glared at him. “It’s just that, all day at work we talk about these big ideas, the matter of being, life at the quantum scale, and then, you take the bus home, and you’re still human, you’re still… lonely, and it is still very much... confusing and unresolved. It’s sort of like I’m stuck between the unending cosmos, and the tiniest quantum particles, and I’m just a really unimpressive human, acting like I have my shit together as I’m talking about concepts that will outlast my entire life.”
Kenma stayed silent for a little while, then he took Kuroo’s hand to his mouth, and gently kissed his knuckles. “I understand that.”
“Do you?”
He nodded. “I keep telling my friends I’m fine everytime they ask me why I don’t go out, or, like, meet new people and it’s not like I’m lying - I think most people are really, really infuriating and boring and I cannot even stand talking with them.”
“Gee, thanks.”
Kenma rolled his eyes. “I’m not talking about you.”
“Oh, you like me?”
“I’m literally taking you to my house right now.”
“Well, I’m just flattered.”
“Anyways,” Kenma said pointedly, “I think I’m getting too comfortable with working from home, and spending days not going outside sometimes. It’s not like I’ve ever had tons of friends at a time, and I really don’t want that, but… I think I’m hiding behind the predictability of algorithms because I’m scared of not knowing how someone feels, thinks, or whatever about me. It was a bit better in college, because you sort of have to talk with people, but now I could probably go days working by writing code and sending emails and texts and not even needing to call a person to hear an actual human voice.”
“That sounds lonely.”
The blond frowned. “I guess it is.” He bit the inside of his cheek. “I guess, maybe… it’s not just that I don’t like them, but also I’m more scared than I’d like to admit that they won’t like me .”
“Doesn’t everybody feel that way?” Kuroo asked. “That’s not a flaw, that’s a byproduct of humanity.”
Before the conversation could continue later, they both saw the taxi car approaching their location in the traffic.
“Well, scienceman,” He looked up at him, “What are you going to do to solve the mysteries of the cruel cosmos tonight?”
“I believe I’m gonna be solving a different kind of mystery tonight.”
“Really?” Kenma raised an eyebrow at him. “What kind?”
“I’ll tell you in the house.”