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“I’m sorry, Tony. This path that you’re on, I can’t just-” a sigh “-Tony, I- you’re important to me, but I can’t watch this spiral, it feels like we’re back at the beginning.”
There’s a beat, the sound of a zipper being pulled.
“I’m more sorry that I’m not doing this in person. We both deserve that, I just won’t let myself be drawn back in, and I will if I see you again. You’ll talk circles around me until next thing I know, I’ve decided to stay again. We-” a sniff “-we can’t go on like this, I can’t stay to watch this again. Not this time. There’s a note on the counter as well. It goes into more detail. I don’t know which you’ll see first.”
The sound of wheels rolling on marble, barely audible, is all that precedes, “I love you.”
Months after packing most of her things into a suitcase and leaving behind only a letter and a voicemail, Pepper had found a new routine: collect all the papers she expected she would need Tony’s opinion and signature on, and send them over to be reviewed well before she actually needed them. It had been working well for her, as it meant that the papers were then only a day or two late from when she needed them by, which was about what the Board expected by this point.
Her routine was broken and Pepper had been left astounded when FRIDAY informed her that the papers she had sent Tony last week to sign had already been returned. Normally, it took the procrastinating genius at least a month to get them back to her.
She hurried back to her office, not expecting to find a life size replica of the little domed robot from Star Wars holding the envelope of papers out to her with a sticky note that simply said Press Play :) -FRI . Which, FRIDAY could write sticky notes now?
She gestured for R2D2 – why did Tony make an R2D2? – to go rest in the corner so she could go over the paperwork quickly. Everything made sense, Tony had made some changes that she had expected him to, and even some that she would have had she noticed the mistakes. It was work that she hadn’t seen from him since he was trying to hand her the company.
“FRIDAY, is Mr. Stark,” she paused, wanting to get the wording right. Friday answered before she could.
“Boss is alive and well, with no new life-altering health conditions.”
“Good. Good .” Pepper looked over the papers one more time before filing them away.
That sorted, she settled herself at her sitting area to see what the robot had to play for her. She’d tried asking FRIDAY, but was just played the audio, “ Patience, my blue friend. You'll have your winnings before the sun’s set. ”
She pressed play, and watched as a small projection of Tony built itself onto her coffee table.
“Hello. I should just make this a test video, simple, short and sweet, but -”
Tony was avoiding his thoughts again, because they always ended up leading right back to thinking about voicemails and letters and doors shutting. In the past, he had simply imbibed himself, but he didn’t think he wanted to break his sobriety. He wanted to be better. He thought he was getting better.
He’d still have self-destructive behaviors, but at least these seemed healthier, seemed more productive, easier to recover from.
He’d blame the kid if anyone asked what made him choose this to focus on. How many Star Wars references had he made? Too many. But he had come back from Siberia, had finished 50 marks of Rhodey’s prosthetics, and then had sat there staring at his projections. How long had he had this technology, and he had never tried making a realistic R2D2? Preposterous. And so, he got to work.
It took him longer than he expected – likely due to the fact that he had been awake for nearly 36 hours by time he started – but he had finished it, tested all the features but one: the recorded projection.
“Well, here goes nothing.” He pressed record. “Hello. I should just make this a test video, simple, short and sweet, but - damn, FRI, how long have I been awake now?”
“You have been awake for 49 hours, but I am tempted not to count your nap as actual sleep, which would-”
“Yeah, all right, got it, FRI. Long and short of it is: too damn long, but that time with Bruce getting everything out helped, so why not give it a go again?” He took a moment, recentering himself. “Pep, I miss you, god, I miss you. I listen to that voicemail all the time, y’know. It’s nice, hearing your voice, even if it’s just a recording. Even if it’s not the smile and laughter I’ve always loved on you. I’ve caused you more stress than I think you deserve. Than I know you deserve. I can’t blame you for leaving me.”
Tony pinched his brow, resisting the urge to lay back onto the couch he found himself on.
“But that’s not the point. Point is: I messed up, I know it. I reached a fork in the road, and I took a step in the wrong direction. Several steps actually. And that meant-” Tony took a moment, feeling a burning that would counteract every time he'd uttered Stark men are made of iron to himself. “That meant I hurt you, Pepper. And I’m sorry.”
He shifted on the couch, picking up a screwdriver that was jostled loose by the sudden movement. He looked at the phillips, the simple cross shape that so many called a plus, and thought about all that Pepper Potts added to his life.
“This path that I stumbled onto, this one without you, I hate it. Any path that doesn’t have you, I hate it.” He looked up from the screwdriver finally, and directly into the camera, unconscious to the fact that when he tapped the screwdriver against his palm, he then dragged it down his wrist. “Any path that doesn’t have you , is not a path I want to be on.”
Another tap of the screwdriver, before he got up to put it away. On his path, he walked past a desk filled with paperwork Pepper had had delivered to him that needed his signature on. DUM-E took the screwdriver from his hand as he turned to brace against the desk. Tony took a breath, knowing that if he wasn’t careful right in this moment, the voice in his head lecturing him would change from the exasperated redhead to a man he wished he’d never had to call dad.
"You're my voice of reason, Pep. I feel wrong without you here. No, wait, that's making it seem like I just want you to be my assistant again. That's not it. I- hmm. shit okay, so, maybe 12% of it is that you manage me better than anyone else I've ever met," a smirk, a sigh, and he began to shuffle the papers into a stack to go through and sign. "But that's still not it.”
“I’ve been to space, been among the stars, and yet, still, you, Pep, you bring me more to awe than the ever expanding universe ever could. You’re just so you, such all-encompassing intelligence, beauty, and grace, not emotionally constipated like I am. You take up so much space in my mind, in my life, I can’t think of the last time my thoughts didn’t somehow lead back to you. To wishing you were here.”
Tony picked up a pen, adding his signature to the papers he deemed worthy, and his addendums to the ones he didn’t. After a few papers, he paused to glance at the R2D2 replica that had followed him over to the table.
“I know you don't care- I know that no one even asked, but you're who motivates me when I'm, well, for lack of any other word, sad. If I was as efficient at creating things as you are at cheering me up without even being here, STARK Industries would never be able to catch up. Hell, they haven’t been able to catch up since I was a kid, that was- No, wait I’m getting off track again.”
He signed another paper, “Sorry, I’m horrible with words when it comes to this kind of thing. How do I put this?”
“Growing up, I didn’t really have anyone that really truly could pull me from my thoughts the way you do. That’s a large part of the reason I turned to the party life. Because if I was miserable, at least it was because I was hungover, or suffering a bad reaction.”
Tony banged his fist on the table, groaning in frustration.
“I'm messing this up, I've thought about this for days. Weeks, even. I just haven't found the guts to tell you truly I'm in l-” he choked on the word. He’d never said it before with this same weight.
“Look, I know you didn’t like me back when we first met. I didn’t either. But then, you started to see something in me, something I wanted to see too. So I stopped the drugs, the partying. In part, yes because of everything that happened to cause,” he tapped his chest, right where the arc reactor used to rest to keep him alive, “this, but it’s also your fault. Yup, I blame you. I blame you for making me a better person, for making all the birthday wishes I thought I stopped making come true. For being what kept me alive in that bunker in Siberia.”
He gasped to himself, having buried thoughts of that day until he inevitably had nightmares of that shield coming down, again, and again, and-
He shoved that day back, thought of Pepper again, regained the warmth in his numb, shaking fingers. “It was so cold there, and yet just the thought of you, coming home to you, was enough to keep me warm – until I was halfway home and remembered you wouldn’t be there.”
He picked his pen up again, but didn’t put it to paper.
“I need a clear ‘we’re done, we’re never coming back from this’. Because I still think I can come back from those steps in the wrong path, I still think we can work, Pep. But, if you don’t–” Tony rubbed the ache in his chest with his free hand, taking deep breaths. You know I could ramble on for hours, probably have by this point, but the words would never match up perfectly to show the power that you hold over me. You’re a King Midas in my life, everything you touch turns to gold.”
He thought of all the nightmares he was avoiding, all the times they were held off by thoughts of Pepper and the life they could live together.
“I need to know if I need to let go of those golden dreams of growing old with you. Because you make me want to grow old, Pep, you make me want so much more than I’d thought I would ever want.” He sighed, signing the last paper in the stack of the only communication that’d he’d had with Pepper since he’d found the letter on the kitchen counter and a voicemail on his phone. “I’m sure all of this would be better left in a letter, but mailing things isn’t really my style.”
With the papers slid into an envelope that he would send off to Happy to pass on, Tony regrouped to face the little robot with a smirk. “So, I guess you’re just going to have to imagine the little hugs and kisses at the bottom. But, it wouldn’t be signed Tony, it’d be signed ‘ XO, yours, until we meet again ’.”
He walked over to the couch when DUM-E approached the table, finally flopping down on it. “There’d be a postscript too, a little PS, You’re perfect, cause you always skip the BS. I hope you smiled when you saw this. Hope to hear from you soon. ”
DUM-E brought over a blanket to cover him, he sighed again, sitting up to grab it from his robot child before he was strangled by method of being tucked in. He took the blanket and turned with heavy eyes to R2D2 that had dutifully followed him over again. Recording a message that would likely never be sent by him, but it had felt good to get all the jumbled thoughts out.
Tony braced himself to reach over and turn off the recording, but paused before actually pressing the button. He looked directly into the camera, speaking four little words before he jammed his finger into the button and collapsed back onto the couch.
Half asleep already, he pointed at DUM-E and vaguely gestured to the rest of the room, “Send Pepper her things, FRI.”
Tony wasn’t awake to see DUM-E hand the envelope to the R2D2, who gripped tight to it before he was shoved out of the room to frantic beeps and twirls telling him to hurry on over to Mom. FRIDAY led the way.
“There’d be a postscript too.” Pepper watched DUM-E’s arm appear at the edge of the projection with a blanket. “A little PS, You’re perfect, cause you always skip the BS. I hope you smiled when you saw this. Hope to hear from you soon. ”
Not for the first time since she’d had started watching this, Pepper’s heart twinged with a bit of guilt for being yet another person to walk away from Tony. She watched as he sat up to take the blanket and end the video. She got up herself, ready to write a much needed response. She stopped short when Tony’s projection paused, and spoke.
“I love you, too.”
The projection fizzled out, and so did any resolve Pepper had to stay away.
“FRIDAY, will that recording be saved if I record a response?” She sat down again as she spoke, this time at her desk.
“Yes, it will. Would you like me to save the file anywhere specific, M-Ms. Potts?” Pepper frowned at the slight stutter, but passed it off as she thought about where she wanted to save the visual letter. “Perhaps in your “Proof Tony Stark has a Heart” folder?”
She had forgotten about that folder. It had the plans for every invention and mission Tony had done that had left the world even a slightly better place. She had FRIDAY automate it long before she packed her bags. “Yes, that will be perfect, thank you, FRIDAY.”
“Of course, Ms. Potts. Would you like to record your message now?”
“Yes, please. Should I just-”
“Press the button whenever you are ready, and press it again to end the recording.”
Pepper took a deep breath to center herself before she leaned forward to begin.
Tony woke up 16 hours later, having dreamt of an AT-AT and R2D2 in place of the pipsqueak Ant-Man and Vision during the fight at the airport. V2D2 had shot Rhodey out of the sky again, but it had turned into the Iron Rescue suit about half way down. Tony would have made it in time, but AT-AT-Man had held him back. All he could do was scream for her. At the last second she was encompassed in a blue light from V2D2, and her fall slowed as the light closest to her turned golden. The golden light slowly got brighter until it took over everything. He felt warm and safe for those few moments before he woke up.
He sat up and looked around his workshop, saw no signs of the R2D2 he swore he had made, so he chalked it up to him having dreamt that bit too. He gave himself a moment to feel sorry for himself before he got up completely, crossing the lab to the small kitchenette he had put in a few weeks back. Grabbing a package of blueberries and protein shake, he made his way to the table he had dedicated to Rhodey’s prosthetics.
Tony was startled over looking over his most recent design by something banging into the frame of the door to the workshop and DUM-E’s responding panic. When he looked over, he saw the damned domed robot he thought he had dreamt making. “FRI, sweetheart, am I seeing things or is there really a Star Wars robot at my door, banging for entry?”
“He has a message for you, sir. Would you like me to let him in?” He glanced up at his computer projections, quirking a brow.
“There a reason you can’t pass on the message, girl?”
“Would you like me to let him in?” Tony blinked, not expecting the lack of answer, but shrugged it off, telling his AI to let in the little guy.
The little bot rolled over, DUM-E hot on his trail. Tony’s mind raced through all the possibilities of what message could possibly be waiting for him, cut off by DUM-E’s excited twirling bumping the R2D2 into projecting it.
He froze, looking at what was undeniably Pepper. “Tony-”
“WAIT,” the projection froze with Tony. “FRI, please, please tell me you didn’t send Pepper that message I recorded last night. I was under emotional duress, that’s gotta be like, a violation of my rights.”
“You asked me to ‘ S’nd Pepper ‘er th’ngs, FRI’. ” The slight sleep slur to his voice in the audio made him cringe. He knew he had stayed up too long, but it had been a while since he had seen, or rather heard, the evidence of it. “As you had dedicated the message to her, I had assumed it was included. Was I wrong, boss?”
Tony sighed at the fake innocence he heard in the AI’s voice, too cheeky for her own good. He assumed FRIDAY missed having someone who could effectively physically enact her protocols to keep him healthy. “Slightly off, dear. I wasn’t ready to send her that, but I guess what’s done is done. Let’s face the music.”
R2D2 took the cue for what it was and began to play the message again from the start. Tony took the chance to really look at the woman he hadn’t let himself see for the last few months.
“Tony, I- I assume you didn’t necessarily mean to send that message, so I’m not upset with you for that.” Tony felt the muscles in his back relax as his shoulders dropped in relief. He watched Pepper smile knowingly. “I’m sure you’re relaxing at that thought, but don’t let your thoughts go too far. Just because I’m not upset at the message, doesn’t mean I’m automatically ready to come back. But-” she glanced to her fingers, picking at the nail beds of her left hand, “I think I will be.”
Tony took in a breath, frozen in the glimmer of hope he felt at the words.
“I still need more time, but that message was definitely a start. Maybe we could keep it going by you telling me some more of what you’ve been up to? Specifically, what bout of inspiration caused you to branch out into classic movie replicas, perhaps?” Tony found himself staring in awe as Pepper chuckled. He had missed her laughs. “Whatever it is, I look forward to hearing it.”
A chirp came from off-projection, and Tony lost the eye-contact he had established with the mini-Pepper.
“I have to go to a meeting now, but I look forward to hearing from you again.” She paused, a small smile growing on her face. “XO, yours as well, until we meet again. PS, you were always worth skipping the BS.”
She reached forward to stop the recording, but paused.
“I love you, three.”
Tony was left grinning at the space the projection had taken up. He had some work to do still to get back on the right path, but he would do it gladly, knowing the path would once again have the woman he loved on it.