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It starts with a murmur at lunch. Though Tala isn't one to initiate our mischief, her eyes carry a devilish smile that makes my eyes drop to my feet. She murmurs,
"Wanna crash the sentinel book club today?" She asks, her eyes shimmering with excitement. The sentinel roles made a book club a while ago, including Killjoy, Cypher, Chamber (who barely shows up), and Deadlock. Eventually Skye was added as an honorary member, but the book club is strictly invite-only. the newest sentinel, Vyse didn't even get an invite. Probably because she's a radivore and Deadlock manages the invites. So I smile and respond.
"Of course!" I say cheerily. Breaking into a book club with the prettiest girl in the world? Sounds awesome.
"Do you have a death wish mate?" Phoenix laughs, slapping his hand on the table loudly. I startle slightly, before relaxing.
"Nah, they couldn't catch us if they tried, huh Sparky?" I say, nudging Tala beside me. She grins back.
"No way."
"Still! Deadlock's gonna have you beheaded. Granted Skye doesn't do it first for annoying Deadlock." Gekko says, chewing a pancake thoughtfully. Tala has a good laugh at this, and I feel her hand brush mine under the table. It's normal, it's cool. I’m not freaking out. You are.
"Nah, not if they appeal to Killjoy for an invite." Your argues. I laugh at this, and tentatively reach out my hand to brush Tala's.
'Is this okay?'
I feel Tala shift slightly next to me, and she gets up abruptly.
"Let's go then!" She says, holding out a hand to me. I take it graciously, and we walk hand-in-hand out of the cafeteria. I can't hide my disappointment at the sudden leave, but we're holding hands, so I don't mind. Really, if Tala Valdez held your hand as tenderly as she holds mine right now, you'd be pretty damn happy too right?
"Do you even know where this place is?" I ask, genuinely curious. The meeting places are strictly confidential within the group, as Deadlock, the founder doesn't like outsiders getting in. Something about 'peace and quiet' or whatever.
"Yeah! I got a tip from Raze. Kj tells her everything." Tala says, waving a hand dismissively. I find myself wishing that we could be what Killjoy and Raze are. Girlfriends, that is. I wish Tala would tell me everything. I wish I could tell her everything on my mind.
What's on my mind being her. Her eyes, her smile, her hand in mine, her voice when she's happy, her laugh. I cannot stop thinking about her. From the moment I realized I fell in love with her, till now, I haven't stopped thinking about her. It's as if she encapsulated the saying "All roads lead to Rome", except instead of roads it's thoughts and instead of Rome it’s Tala Valdez.
Nonetheless, Tala leads me to a very specific mission briefing room, and she looks at me expectantly.
"Hell no," are the words that I find leaving my mouth. "Hell no. I'm not knocking."
"No, just go in first. I think Deadlock might skewer us." Tala explains, and I sigh in relief dramatically.
"Oh good, I'm just your test subject. Thank god." I say sarcastically, and we wait a moment, and I walk in. It sounds like conversation stops as soon as I step into the room, and then it's dead silence. I can see only four people seated in chairs here. No Chamber in sight, much to Neon's enjoyment. Deadlock looks up, a smile falling from her face quickly.
"What are you doing here." She demands, snapping a book shut. She stalks over to us, and I immediately notice how much taller Deadlock is than me. She towers over me and Tala, who stepped in to join me at my side. I'm not one to judge emotion, but Deadlock looks pissed. So I muster all the courage I have.
"Oh, you know. Books. Reading." I gesture lazily towards the room, and I can see Skye get up sharply, probably worried about avoiding a potential stabbing.
"You know the rules. Invite only." Deadlock says shortly, "You'll mess up the quiet."
"Who says we will?" Tala interrupts, her eyes gleaming, "You haven't even let us in yet."
"You both are so…" Deadlock glares at us pointedly, "You should leave."
"Hold on Locky. Maybe they'll be quiet. We do have a few more copies." Skye says soothingly, putting a hand on Deadlocks shoulder. The taller woman seems to relax slightly, but scoffs.
"Fine. But if they're loud…"
"We'll kick them out." Skye says, looking at me and Tala pointedly. Her stare says, "Be loud and I'll kill you."
Good god. So much for avoiding a stabbing.
"Don't worry. We'll be quiet. What book are we all reading?" I ask, and Deadlocks eyes light up ever so slightly.
"A classic from at least 30 years ago. It's called the Hunger Games." Deadlock says, and I remember vaguely that I think there's a movie about that book. I've never watched it though. I'm not into old-timey stuff. But I nod, as if interested, and I feel Tala do the same beside me, her shoulder shifting slightly.
"It's like, ancient!" Killjoy says enthusiastically from her seat. I move my head so I can see her from behind Deadlock, but she's already back to reading. So I glance at Cypher instead. He's peering at me, the lenses in his mask shifting wildly. He nods in greeting.
"Have a seat!" Skye says enthusiastically, gesturing to where the seats are in a circular formation. I think it looks a little like how they portray group therapy in tv shows. That's a weird comparison. Anyways, we walk over to these chairs, and I watch carefully as Tala chooses one beside Killjoy. I choose one next to her. Big surprise, I know. It's an awkward silence, and I see Deadlock sit down, and put on some reading glasses. I fight the urge to laugh at her. She looks ridiculous. Totally unlike the tough Deadlock everyone else knows.
Then, Skye's handing me a book. Its black and gold cover somehow calls to me, and without a second thought I open it, but not before watching Tala be handed her own book. She starts reading almost immediately.
"Feel free to roam around the space. We've got more comfortable chairs, beanbag chairs over there, just do whatever. But make sure to be quiet." Skye says warmly, and I know the last sentence is directed towards me specifically. So I look down sharply, and try to focus on reading.
I try hard, I really do. But reading's just not my thing. I hate it. So after a few minutes of reading the same sentence over and over and over again trying to make the words interesting in my mind, I instead sneak a glance at Neon. Her eyes are Brown, flecks of blue in them, and I'm so glad I don't need glasses because oh my god. Tala's eyes are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. They're focused in the book in front of her, and I can tell she likes reading more than me.
Why did I come here anyways? I don't like reading.
Oh, but I value Tala a lot more than I value my time. No time is wasted in her presence. All the time I spend with her feels worth a million dollars. I can't describe it if I tried.
So I stare at Tala, her hair falling over her face, her eyes focused, and I stare hard. The urge to brush her hair back behind her ear, to whisper about how I think she's pretty, to hug her tightly, to-
Sunwoo you are in a fucking book club. Please do not simp over your best friend here. Literally anywhere else.
Oh, but it's so easy. It's so easy to do. So easy, in fact, that I just let my thoughts drift, my eyes resting on Tala's face. I watch her smile gently at maybe a funny moment in the book, and her smile fades fast. I find myself missing it, and I try to picture it in my mind desperately. I think it'd be nice to kiss that smile. Tala's smile is so bright, I think it could put the sun to shame.
No I don't. Ew. What? I'm Sunwoo Han, I am not in love with my best friend Tala Valdez. You must have me mistaken for someone else.
But I would do anything to kiss that smile. Maybe one day, I can tell her how I feel. Maybe one day, our shenanigans will turn into dates. Maybe one day, she'll kiss me. Maybe one day I can tell her things I’ve never told anyone. Maybe she in turn would tell me things like that. Maybe I could tell her how her laugh has nothing on the sun. How her smiles could put that very same sun to shame.
But for now, I'll just watch her from afar. Because this friendship is too good to lose. We're coworkers. It'd just be awkward if she rejected me. Because I'm too much of a coward to admit that I'm scared of rejection. Because maybe I love Tala too much to let her go. Because maybe I'm not strong enough to lose someone like her.
But that's alright. It can wait. For now, I just stare at Tala as she reads a book, because I'm bored and I agreed to come here because I love her.
And that's alright.