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On starships there are certain rules
That they teach in all Starfleet schools:
You must never relate
To a Holodeck date
Or you'll end up looking like fools.
It's been proven time and again
That you are better off to abstain
Than get in trouble
With a false double
And be looked upon with disdain.
But rules are meant to be broken
Especially when you are the token
Bodacious bimbo
In Star Trek limbo
Whose instincts need to be woken.
Seven, former frigid Borg,
Plus (in "Spock's Brain" terms) weak Eymorg,
Must explore orgasms
With photonic phantasms
And if that makes you want to disgorge
Your supper, just wait till you hear
At which crewman's image she'll leer!
(Though I'd wish for the captain
That's just not an option;
Trek's hot babe can't prove to be queer.)
When Seven breaks the Barclay Law,
Choosing a crewmember to paw,
She'll seek out a blank slate
With no dominant trait --
Naturally, on Chakotay she'll draw.
The Commander, it's understood
Has all the properties of wood.
He's stiff and stoic,
But never heroic...
In other words, he should be good.
For Chakotay, as we all know,
Has had little chance just to let go
Or to fornicate
With his Captain Kate
Who's cold as an Arctic ice floe.
When such an opportunity
To cavort with impunity
Arises, you'll see,
Of course so does he;
Who wouldn't with such immunity?
Chuckles cannot help but discover
His face on Seven's holo-lover.
Who can blame him for peeking
At her program, and sneaking
Himself into the part undercover?
After his long romantic drought,
Now that the Commander's found out
Seven's doing the nasty
With holo-Chakotay,
He calls on executive clout
To sneak onto the holodeck
And tinker with her program's tech.
The next time she calls
On his double, it stalls
And lets him take over the trek.
He enters his own private code
(Replacing the one he over-rode),
And he lies in wait
For his cyborg date...
It all makes a fine episode.
Soon Seven of Nine will arrive,
Her libido in over-drive.
She's ready to try
The big tattooed guy
But she does not know he's alive.
She activates her holo-toy
And she commands him to employ
All sexual tricks
She carefully picks;
Chakotay should be one happy boy.
But Chak has not bothered to ponder
That while he's been growing rotunder,
Seven's enhanced physique
Has made her strong and sleek --
An advantage she surely won't squander,
Nor can most mere mortals withstand
The slap of her Borgified hand,
Not to mention the pinch
Of her thighs when they cinch
'Round the waist of a paramour, and
After all the years she's waited
To get some, she believes she's fated
To boff night and day
Without rest or delay
Until she is thoroughly sated.
Chakotay steps up to the plate,
His intentions to satiate
The Borg's appetite
If needs be, all night
But quite a surprise does await
The Commander when he begins
To practice the outs and the ins
Of virtual sex
In the ship's holodecks --
Perhaps he should have programmed twins.
For as was first mentioned above
Seven is so hungry for love
Her enthusiasm
To reach an orgasm
Exhausts the guy to the point of
Being powerless to perform
In or out of his uniform
The amount of sex
Perfection expects
And Seven assumes is the norm.
So after an hour of panting
In his futile efforts at granting
Her fondest desire,
Chak's forced to retire,
And Seven is on the comm ranting,
"Send Paris, send Tuvok, send Kim,
Send the Doctor...along with him,
Send Neelix, Ayala,
Plus that Carey fella,
And any hunks left in the gym.
I need them on holodeck one,
Where clearly there's a malfunction,
For my holo-stud
Has been a real dud;
I need a new program to run."
And with that she tries to delete
Chakotay, prostrate at her feet.
But when he remains,
Her self-control wanes,
For now she can see his deceit.
"You've tricked me and I must complain."
Chakotay pleads, "Let me explain,
"I meant you no harm --
No cause for alarm,
I only meant to entertain
You with some sexual delights
And prove that the real thing ignites.
Your dormant sex drive
Will certainly thrive,
I am better than lasers and lights.
I'll perform superbly -- I've vowed."
"All right, one more time - You're allowed."
But to his chagrin
He does himself in
By shouting "Oh Kathryn" aloud.
And isn't it just the bad luck
Of hapless, half-dressed XO Chuck
That just as he screams,
Half the male crew beams
Inside, having found the doors stuck.
"Who programmed this damn override?"
Asks Paris, while Chak tries to hide.
"There's too many photons --
You've wrecked Captain Proton's
Rocket, and Fair Haven's hillside."
"Just wait till the captain finds out!"
Snaps Seven, who hasn't a doubt
That Janeway, the prig,
Will lock Chak in the brig
For behaving like such a lout.
Meanwhile Ayala and Carey,
Plus Chell, Icheb, Neelix, and Harry
Have collapsed in giggles;
Even Tuvok wiggles
One eyebrow as commentary.
Only the Doctor looks hurt.
"Seven, if you wanted to...flirt,
You know my matrix
Can turn many tricks
And I cannot overexert."
"Oh Doctor I do understand,
Believe me that this was not planned.
I sought perfection:
A holo-erection.
But things have got quite out of hand."
The EMH snaps like a clam,
"I'm sick and I'm tired of this sham
You seek a photon
Who can turn you on?
Well, Seven of Nine, here I am."
Then over the ship's transmitter
Is heard a gruff Klingon titter.
A voice interrupts
As Torres instructs,
"Don't overload your emitter."
And then to his consternation
A terrible complication
Arrives. It's Chak's boss,
And he's at a loss
To explain this strange congregation.
"Umm, Captain" Chakotay stutters
And blushes as soon as he utters
These words: "I'll abstain.
I mean I'll explain."
His audience can't restrain sputters
Of laughter as their commander
Tries to enlighten with candor
His captain whose trust
He so treasures just
How he came to philander.
"I've told you before of my feeling
That holodeck sexual healing
Cannot be construed
Genuinely lewd:
It's not like I'm cheating or stealing."
"But Chakotay, this is no case
Of programming some pretty face --
You're getting it on
With a real live woman,
And your excuse is a disgrace!"
Thus shamed and faced with his worst fears,
Chakotay bursts into loud tears.
"Kathryn, I'm so lonely,
You should know I only
Want love, but you spurn me, and here's
This beautiful bright blonde Borg babe,
A genius with an astrolabe..."
"That's quite enough!" snaps
The captain, who slaps
The faithless doofus like a Trabe.
Poor Chak's at the end of his rope
He doesn't think that he can cope
With this latest flak
And he sadly stares back.
He's finally run out of hope.
But almost as if it were planned
Seven seems to take things in hand.
She stares at them both
And then she doth quoth,
"But Captain, I don't understand.
You've told me again and again
That I mustn't ever refrain
From discovering my
Humanity by
Allowing myself some free rein
To experience life in full
Or I will end up as a dull
Old wooden shoe.
So why shouldn't you?
Unless, of course, you're full of bull."
The crew takes a collective breath
And waits for the glare of death,
But it never comes
As Janeway succumbs
To her very own shibboleth.
"Get out," she orders one and all.
"Except you, Chakotay. Stand tall.
And don't be afraid,
You're about to get laid.
It's time for the barriers to fall."
"Oh Kathryn," sighs the big lug.
"Just wait," she warns, "Ere you hug,
If I'm not replete
I'll just hit delete."
Well. That's one way of pulling the plug.
"Oh Captain, of course I will try."
And luckily for the big guy
He does perform well
And their passions swell
And nothing at all goes awry.
They've finally gone all the way
And all that we have left to say:
Is it not ironic?
Or even demonic?
That Seven of Nine saves the day.
But speaking of striking, strong-willed
Seven, who has gone unfulfilled,
She's in holodeck two
Where the Doctor is too,
And all of their crewmates are thrilled.