Chapter Text
Drip-drop. Followed by a pitter-patter of cascading liquid falling from the heavens. A staccato of rain filed downwards, as if to solely exclude this individual. The coral haired girl was reduced to her knees as the news fully hit her. They were gone, nothing was going to bring them back. Drip-drop. The rain pounded against the window, making a melody of sorrow as a noise once calming was entirely instilling dread. She dragged her hand toward the window, placing it onto the glassy surface almost like she was trying to reach out to the world. To reach out to somebody, maybe.
The rain beckoned her, attempting to lead her forward with promises of salvation, promises of despair, promises of nothing and everything all at once. A metaphor that she tended to liken to herself turning literal, as the rain clouds above her followed her everywhere and turned physical in her darkest hour. Her body felt lethargic, unmoving, nearly still as a statue but she was enchanted by the water that fell from the aether. It could wash everything away, rain could even break down mountains given enough time, it made sense, really. It made sense one day it would whittle her down as well, breaking down all her walls and defenses, leaving her completely and utterly vulnerable.
Even so, the rain called for her with an allure that seemed to be the most enticing thing ever, like seeing an oasis in the middle of a desert. She had been kneeling for so long that when she attempted to stand up, it wasn’t that great an attempt. Her legs were wobbly and unstable, shaking like a leaf in the most fierce winds of autumn. Nevertheless, she forced herself to stand up, which ended as predictably as you could imagine leading her to almost falling face first. In her fall, her hand latched onto something cold, something metallic and familiar. As her eyes darted over, they lit up in recognition as she saw her doorknob. Her doorknob, right, she’s going to open the door and go outside. She steadied herself, willing her legs to calm down and reaffirming her grip on the doorknob as she took a deep breath.
With a turn and a click, the door swung open. She greeted the rainy sky, the outside world and the inside of her mind intermingling, cascading together blurring the line of whether she was lost in her thoughts or looking forward. They didn’t really seem much different though, the rain only kept pouring down and down and down and down and- she took a step. Her body was now susceptible to the liquid descending upon her, as it coated her entire being. She paused momentarily to take it all in, feeling the water seep through her clothing and soak into her shoes. Though, her body didn’t seem to stop here as it kept moving forward. Herself not knowing where, just instinct carrying her along.
During this walk, the memories flooded back to her and she felt like peeling her skin off. Drip-drop. Her parents, the only people who still loved her, and she cared for them likewise. They were the only people she could confidently say believed in her. She confided in them about her depression and they didn’t even attempt to downplay or disregard it. Not only did they listen to her, they embraced her despite her flaws, and she felt like things could improve. They’d go out of their way to help her and advocate for her, she’d started therapy just recently and things were looking up! She actually thought things would get better! How naive she was.
Things don’t get better. That’s something she’s now learnt the hard way over and over again. If anything, this was only the straw that broke the camel's back, this message has repeatedly been hammered into her over and over again. It was all just a positive feedback loop, the pain increasing every single time it came back around. Sometimes you might think, “I’m feeling better!” or “Things could improve!”, but then life just knocks you back down a peg. It’s all just an unrelenting and endless cycle of torment and pain. You might think you’ve hit rock bottom, you might think it can’t get any worse, but below that rock bottom there’s a bottomless pit waiting to swallow you whole. It’s there, and it’s waiting and things can always, and will always get worse. A cynical laugh came running out of her as she walked. If you saw her, you’d think she’d come out of an insane asylum.
She felt like she was absolutely losing her mind, so maybe that assessment wasn’t too far off. Something that her mind, while completely irrational at the time, was able to understand was that they were really and truly gone. Earlier that evening a police officer had visited her, it had been sunny back then, now that she thought back on it. He had informed her that while her parents were out on a trip, they were on their anniversary, they’d been married for nearly two decades and now they were… now they were… not here. They had gotten into a fatal car crash, they were mangled beyond recognition, at least according to the officer.
She didn’t process it, how could one in her situation even hope of doing that? She just sent them off and crumbled , falling to her knees. Her parents had been the ones to comfort her through her depressive episodes, the ones to care for her, to show her that she wasn’t alone. Who was there for her now? Nobody. She was alone.
As her thoughts came to a close on the matter, she found herself in front of a building. It was but a simple convenience store which was lucky for her, considering this was one of the few locations she probably wouldn’t be thrown out of for looking like a freak. Stepping inside, a rush of cold blasted her, putting her back in reality. Funny how things were rainy while her head was up in the clouds.
She walked past the cashier, ignoring any looks she got from the minimal people present. Honestly having no clue what she was looking for she just kept walking. Her head back in the clouds, her mind constantly being reminded of her parents. This convenience store was one they went to quite often, and had fond memories of bugging them in. That won’t happen anymore.
Eventually, at some point, she realized she had stopped moving. She had no clue at what point she had stopped, or how long she had been standing there but she figured it didn’t matter, nothing mattered anymore. Staring in front, noticing what she stopped at was rope. It was a solid rope, one that could certainly hang up a body. Hold on, was she really thinking about… you know?
To say she hadn’t thought about attempting before would be a bold faced lie, and to say she hadn’t attempted before in general would also be a lie. She had attempted once a year back, she tried to overdose but being brought to a hospital in time kind of stops that from happening. That’s also when… her parents found out and tried to help her. It really feels like everything comes back to them, making the decision feel that much easier to make.
Starting to reach for the rope, only one thought filled her mind, “I want to see them again.”, as she gripped onto it. Drip-drop. She could hear the rain even from here, “Rain rain, go away, please come back another day”, was that the saying? If only that ever worked for her, if it did then she would be much happier.
Moving towards the cashier she plopped the rope onto the counter. She stared up at him and he gave a look of concern towards her, perhaps even knowing what she was going to do. However concerned he may be, he may even be more spineless as he simply scanned the rope and asked for some money. Reaching into her pockets she found but a soggy wallet. Luckily, it had a 100 dollar bill, however wet it may be.
Her parents always told her to keep a 100 dollar bill on her in case of an emergency, though it’s not like she’ll have any more emergencies to worry about. Dropping it onto the desk next to the rope, she takes the rope in a swift motion and begins to leave. Ignoring the cashier behind her, she lets him keep the money, it’s not like she’ll need it where she’s going.
Drip-drop. The walk back is as excruciating as it was the first time, and her tiredness is catching up to her, as her body feels like its shutting down. Hang on, not much longer, please. Keep moving, this is the least you owe the world, to take yourself from it, right? Make it so nobody can be disappointed in you again, right? You want to be with them again, right? This is the only way to move forward. The only way to move forward is to stop completely.
Dragging forward she can’t help but feel an additional wetness on her face. Ah, she was crying. She’s more surprised she wasn’t crying yet, but it's all hitting her. Her parents' deaths, her thoughts and now her… you know. But that didn’t matter, what did matter was getting home. Home? Is that what she still calls it? She doesn’t know if it deserves that name anymore, as she thinks most homes deserve a family. Or is it that families deserve a home? Either way this ‘home’ doesn’t have a family anymore, does it?
She made it back, almost shocking herself. She half expected to pass out along the way, or get hit by a car herself. That would’ve been poetic, and fitting but it seems she can’t even have that luxury. Up the stairs she goes, moving past all the pictures of her family. There was one from her high school graduation, that was a fun day. She remembered hanging out with everybody from the literature club. The literature club… she had almost forgotten all about it.
They lost contact after high school, despite their best efforts. They were great, but even now they weren’t able to be here for her, right? It’s not like it’s their fault, if anything it's hers for not being better. She should’ve been better, she should’ve done more. She should’ve kept in contact, she could’ve been there for her parents. So so so much more could’ve been done.
Nothing can be changed now, however. Her parents were gone and she couldn’t fathom getting near anybody from the club, so here she was. The rest of the pictures she passed by, they were just from her school days, grade school plays that they were oh so proud of her for, her and her parents at a playground when she was younger, them all going apple picking in the fall. Drip-drop. She wasn’t sure at this point whether this was the rain or the tears, but no matter as it seemed both were only coming down harder and harder.
Despite it all, she made it up the stairs. Moving down the hall, the walls were more barren. There was the occasional picture, but she ignored them. She couldn’t take it anymore. She just wanted it to be over already. Standing in front of her door, she thought about it. Once she goes in here, there’s no coming back. A deep breath, and another. And another. And another. Shit, this was terrifying. However, at this point, was there really any coming back either way? One more deep breath, and she gently opened the door.
Her room was just as she left it. She actually remembered the last time she was in here, it was this morning actually. She had a dumb conversation with her parents as they were trying to wake her up, her trying to beg for “5 more minutes, please!”, and them not listening. Oh how she wished for those dumb conversations to come back. Oh how she begged for them to come back.
However, if there was a god, he wasn’t listening. It seemed like nobody would listen, and those that will, would be taken away. Funny, isn’t it? Although there wasn’t any laughter. She moved over to the closet and reached inside to grab for something. Rummaging around in there, she starts to worry for a minute that it might’ve been taken out or put elsewhere. Though, she’s spared as she finally grabs it and pulls out the stool.
She’s been holding the rope this entire time, and although it may be very soggy now, it would still do. It’s not like it matters considering how wet she is right now, it’s just another drop of rain to a puddle. Drip-drop. The rain outside wouldn’t stop. The rain inside wouldn’t stop. Nothing really ever seems to stop, and all she wishes for is for everything to stop.
Taking the rope and tying it took some effort, as it’s been enough time that she actually forgot how to tie a noose. Luckily though, muscle memory seemed to kick in and she remembered how to do it. The noose was complete and connecting it to her ceiling wasn’t much of a task. It’s almost as if she’s thought about doing this before. Oh wait, she has, but she had people then to stop her. But now? Not exactly, which is why she’s doing this. She has no future, she has nothing.
Drip-drop. She stared at the makeshift set-up she had. The stool, the noose, the connection, the rain, the windows, the muddied sun. She let out a weak smile, it was going to be over soon. It was all going to be over soon. A laugh filled the room, however empty it may be. She misses them, she misses everyone. She misses her friends, Monika, Natsuki and Yuri. She misses her parents so much. She wants to be with them again.
Not bothering to close the door behind her, as she stared at Mr. Cow. The smile grew a bit wider as she thought of him. Deciding to give him one more send-off as he deserved it, he deserved better than her. Walking over she kneeled down in front of him, putting them at eye level. She reached over and gave him a big hug, whispering into his ear a simple “Goodbye. I love you.”, which anybody could’ve told you was her projecting. Maybe it was what she wanted to tell her parents, or maybe it was meant for him. Nobody could tell you that.
Releasing the hug and standing back up, she gave a salute and walked back over to the stool. She took a deep breath as she stepped up onto it. Breathe in, breathe out, for your breath is not long for this world anymore. Pulling the noose around her neck, this is the last chance to back out. She could change everything, she could find her friends, she could go to college, she could make a new living!
But nothing ever changes does it? Things don’t get better. Even if she does make friends, she’ll lose them again. Even if she goes to college, she’ll either fail or go nowhere. She’ll never succeed in life, she’s only doomed to fail. This line of thought had done naught but confirm her resolve. It’s going to be over soon.
Getting ready to kick the stool out from under her, she fills her mind with the thoughts of her clubmates. Those happy memories of the festival, about how Nats made cupcakes and she ate most of them, about how Yuri would write beautiful poems that had words she never fully understood and how Monika would lead them, and give great advice that nobody else could give. She fills her mind with the thoughts of her family, those who cared for her and believed in her. Would they be happy with her right now? It’s not like they could answer, but she felt like she knew the answer. Despite that, she was happy. Her mind was no longer rainy, it was a calm white. Acceptance filled her as she kicked it away. No matter what, don’t look back.
Drip-drop. Clack. Thud.
After kicking the stool away, the first thing she noticed was that she was still alive, obviously. However, and more concerning, the second thing she noticed is that she couldn’t breathe . Immediately, in an act of primal instinct, the instinctual urge to protect yourself and survive kicked into her. Her hands ripped through the air towards the rope, clawing at it as she kicked and dangled her legs, hoping for some sort of salvation. She was going to- No, she still is ending her own life, but she wanted to do it fast. She didn’t want it like this.
Turns out, she can’t even kill herself right. How is she THIS much of a failure? She’d give out an ironic, maybe cynical laugh if it weren’t for her airways being blocked currently. Oh, yeah, she’s busy dying right now, her fingers are beginning to bloody as she attempts to rip and tear and claw through the rope. Damn her for buying a sturdy rope, damn her for messing this up, damn her for being a disgusting fuck-up. She doesn’t know how long this has been going for, it couldn’t have been that long at all but it felt like it’s been going on for hours, and it feels like it won’t end. However, everything has to come to an end as her dangling legs start to cease, stilling themselves and her bloodied and crimson fingers start to grow numb.
She starts to accept this, it’s fitting for her. It’s a fitting fucked-up death for a fucked-up person. It’s alright, really. It’s going to be alright. At least everything’s still going to be over. Though, now that she’s calming down and her life starting to fade, her mind isn’t wracked by hysteria anymore. This means that she can actually pay attention to the world around her, including the ‘click’ from downstairs. Her house always had thin walls, and you could hear things from across the entire building, so she recognized the sound. It was the sound of the front door opening followed by a series of ‘thuds’. Thuds that were getting closer and closer. Her mind was foggy, and she had accepted everything at this point, leaving no mental capacity to wonder who the hell this could be. She was just sorry to have bothered them, sorry to have been a burden, sorry for them having to see the sight she’d left behind. Her mind fading away as the footsteps start to rear around the corner into her room, giving her a faint glimpse of green before seeing black. Everything would at least be over now.