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Earth doesn't even know how to start thinking about this.
He's in his orbit around the Sun, spinning in the universe's eternal dance with infinite participants. Every little particle is in its place, every single star, planet, moon, everything in between, beneath and above, moves according to strict laws with a little bit of random sprinkled in them.
That bit of randomness must be the thing that's changing the flows and fluctuations in his core, because how else can he even explain his problem? There isn't a single thing about it that is reasonable. Not in a billion years would he expect it to be true, and yet it is.
What did Mercury say that once? 'Acceptance is the first step on the path to getting better'?
Perhaps accepting the truth isn't quite hard at this point.
Yes, Earth is, in fact, in love.
…With both Venus and Mars.
It has been so innocent for the first few billions of years, the only things that they would do would be talking, playing asteroid dodgeball and, as of recently, also cards, all while orbiting the Sun with Earth tucked neatly between the other two planets. It has always been so platonic, their relationships ranging from hatred to friendship, but never anything over the line, so Earth doesn't know what to do with these newfound feelings.
He just blushes every time they play and Venus or Mars scores a point over him. He just can't hold back a smile when the two of them smile. And then there's also that one time when he almost went right into an asteroid because that would mean Mars would win the dodgeball game! And then Venus was berating him for it so emotionally, and he was so close, Earth could feel his gravitation and even his atmosphere-
He blushes, looking longingly at the distant parts of the orbits where Venus and Mars are together now. They seem to be chatting together, blissfully unaware of Earth's feelings for either of them. Would they really stay secret for much longer? Would Earth have it in himself to keep silent for another few billion years until Sun eats all of them in his dying days?
If he is to ever tell anyone, then it can only be one of them, as Earth can't imagine possibly staying good friends while everyone knows about his conflicting feelings. Venus wouldn't handle being chosen over, and with Mars he's not sure and doesn't want to take any risks.
So really, the question Earth has now is rather simple.
Who will he choose, Venus or Mars?
What's easy to ask isn't easy to answer.
…If one is to go from the Sun, Venus comes first, so maybe Earth should start with him. And what isn't there to love about Venus? His explosive personality can be a bother sometimes, but most of the time it's simply adorable how he screams and pouts when he's angry with something, or, usually, someone. Moreover, Venus is incredibly beautiful – oftentimes, Earth finds himself lost in observing the whirlwinds of acidic clouds dragging above the concealed surface, shifting from bright yellows and oranges to more moderate browns. If atmospheres are anything like what hair is to earthlings, Earth would be happy to braid those winds and stretch neat bands of colour on his shape, to make Venus even more of a true goddess of beauty than he is already.
Also, objectively, rather clearly, pretty much undeniably – Venus is really hot.
But most of all, Venus gets him, better and deeper than most other celestial bodies can. He also used to host life billions of years ago until his surface became uninhabitable, and in that time the rich greens spanning from one blue ocean to another were the best part of their Solar System. It is his advice that helped Earth with tending to his own life and didn't let him make the same mistake – although with earthlings polluting him and increasing the greenhouse effect so much, the last part is arguable.
Of course, Venus holds some resentment against Earth, since he is the one who won in the race of life and got to keep it, watching it grow rich and diverse, while Venus is a dead landscape covered by toxic acid clouds. Nonetheless, it's hard to forget how happy he was when earthlings landed their little robots on his surface – Venus bragged to virtually everyone when that happened, he even claimed he found Neptune on the farther part of his orbit just to scream into his face from how happy he was. So, so adorable.
Earth blushes worse, feeling the red glow spread from his cheeks. If he thinks about Venus for a moment longer, he will simply boil, so he switches his attention to Mars.
Mars has always been the most reasonable in their little group of Rocky Planets. He is the calmest as well – while Earth, Venus and even Mercury might be screaming on the top of their cores, he remains the voice of reason. They're arranged like a gradient, where Venus is explosive and angry, Mars, on the other side, peaceful and reasonable, and Earth in the middle possessing the best of both worlds.
That being said, Mars isn't simply calm with Earth. When they play together, especially their beloved asteroid dodgeball, it brings up Mars's wild side and he can even turn reckless, hurling asteroids bigger than either of them can handle. And oh, would it be a lie if Earth said he doesn't find it attractive how Mars changes around him to fit him better, to be so much more lively.
Mars is also immensely beautiful to Earth; he can get lost observing his terrain, from the giant sleeping volcanoes to the deep ravines and canyons, to the shining water ice caps. He keeps on wondering if those might harbour life, but Mars doesn't seem to enjoy that topic a lot so he keeps it to himself. And of course there's his atmosphere as well, a faint one, but Earth loves observing it whenever he can, watching dust and faint water clouds drag about above his surface. It's been growing more and more scarce over the years as solar radiation blows layer after layer away, so Earth tries to enjoy the sight of it while it lasts.
A thing in which Mars simply gets him, unlike Venus (unless you count Zoozve and two other asteroids, which Earth obviously doesn't), is having moons. While Mars has a different kind of bond with his little ones, Phobos and Deimos, he can still relate to having to take care of these rocks spinning around you – although with Earth, most of the time, Luna is the one taking care of him. But that's not as important.
(Somewhere deep inside, Earth holds the subtle hope that Phobos and Deimos are a pair of the asteroids that were left from their games but stuck around and gained consciousness. To think that there's a slight chance that Mars and he could technically have kids-)
Earth realises that at this rate he will increase the global warming on his surface tenfold unless he stops thinking about such embarrassing things. Instead he just looks at the two planets again and hurries up once he realises the distance between them has increased while Earth was floating in daydreams rather than in his orbit. He's scared to let them out of sight and miss the one chance that he might ever have.
He's not even sure what exactly could happen, but the moment he does think about it a billion possibilities jump to his mind. After all, it's not like Venus and Mars belong to him (sadly), there are so many people around that could just… steal either of them from him.
Mercury is an unlikely candidate, given his relationship with the Sun – and that guy's jealousy would leave no room for manoeuvres for sure – but Earth can't help but think about Venus's and his relationship. Obviously it's quite rough, but once you really think about it, you can see the possible undertones to the constant teasing and fighting.
And then there's Mars and his neighbours. Jupiter is an Asteroid belt away, but even just remembering Mars's words about respecting him and wanting to be like him (or whatever it actually was, Earth doesn't care about accuracy as much at the moment) makes Earth scared. What could he put against Jupiter if even a couple of his larger moons are able to start an entire war against him? If he wanted, he'd unite a whole Solar System in his cause against Earth.
Or it could be anyone else! Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, no matter how far away, they could still be possible partners for Mars. Or maybe there isn't even a reason to look so far! Ceres, that pesky asteroid-dwarf planet in the belt hasn't been bothering them in a while, what are the chances that they've taken a liking to Mars as well?
What if it's another dwarf planet? All the other ones are tucked far beyond Neptune to the point that Earth doesn't know as much of them besides, maybe, Pluto, and even then he can't exclude the possibility!
Or what if it's a moon? Some are large enough to rival planets, Earth has learned they can be as important as planets, maybe they could have a relationship with a planet as well! At least the larger ones, and there's surprisingly many of them! There are the Galilean moons: Ganymede, Callisto, Io, Europa; then there's Titan, and Triton, and-
"Luna," Earth calls out nervously, and in a second his moon floats into view. With all of his anxious thinking, he's almost forgotten entirely that Luna had to be following him all along.
"Yes, Earth? You look worried. Is something wrong?" Luna is quick to ask, frowning slightly, and Earth manages a smile just from the thought that he cares, even if a second ago he almost saw his own moon as a potential rival.
"Everything is wrong, Luna. I have a problem, two problems, actually, and not a single clue what to do with them. And I don't even know if you could help here at all," Earth sighs, turning to his two beloved planets still talking in the distance.
Oh supernova, what if they fall for each other and Earth is left completely alone?!
"I can try to help. Go on," Luna reassures nonetheless.
"Okay. Okay then. Let's start from afar, how much do you even know about relationships?" Maybe his moon won't understand him at all, and then their entire discussion will be fruitless, so it's best to be upfront here.
"...I'm in a relationship?"
That line hits Earth like a dinosaur-exterminating asteroid. He blinks in disbelief, staring at Luna as if he's meeting him for the first time again.
"You are?! Do you mean a romantic one?!" Earth still gives him the benefit of a doubt, perhaps Luna simply means a platonic relationship?
"Yeah? I've told you about it before, Earth. Were you not listening?" Luna's question sounds tired, and his planet slowly realises that might be a common one as a blush of shame this time appears on his face.
"I guess not. But can you please listen to me now? This is really important!" Earth nearly begs, and his moons sighs but nods. "Okay, so, see, Luna, the issue is, I think I'm in love."
"That's so sweet, Earth! But what's the issue then? Should you not be? Who is it?" The smaller celestial body frowns in concern, and Earth breathes the vacuum in deeply to gain the strength and say it out loud.
"Venus and Mars. Both."
"Okay?" Luna looks surprisingly calm upon hearing the revelation, though. "So what's the problem? Is it about the relationships between you that you have already?"
"They're literally two planets! Two! And I just can't choose who I love more!" Earth cries out desperately and Luna looks only just more confused.
"Then don't choose? You can be with both of them," he says calmly in the end, making Earth glare at him.
"Both? How do you even picture something like that?!"
"Well, I'm dating Titan, who's also dating Dark Side and Ganymede, who's also dating Europa, who's also-" Luna cuts himself off once he sees just with what expression Earth is glaring at him. "What?"
"I'm sorry, Titan?! Ganymede?! Europa?! And who even is Dark Side, what?!" It's his moon's turn to look at him in desperation, though this time it's from just how oblivious Earth is. "But whatever, just tell me, does it work out well?"
"...As well as it can, considering who we are?"
"Great. Absolutely great," Earth turns to look at Venus and Mars again, and after only a moment of hesitation he rushes forward, so fast that Luna only gets a little gravitationally perturbed but stays in place instead of flying after him. "You'll tell me all the stuff later! Wish me luck now!"
"Good luck, Earth," Luna wishes indeed, although with the distance between them increasing quickly the other probably doesn't even hear him.
"He'll just forget about us again, won't he?" He hears Dark Side's voice from behind and sighs again.
"Yes, he definitely will. At least he has a good reason for it this time."