Chapter Text
Fa found the Zeta Gundam floating aimlessly in space, still and silent. When she opened the hatch, she found Kamille in the same way. He floated about in the cockpit, limbs dangling loosely. Fa's heart seized as panic fell over her. Was she- she didn't think he'd-
In slow motion, he turned his head. For a wonderful, brief moment a pleasant, warm relief passed over her. Then she looked in his eyes, and the relief chilled.
"Kamille," she called to him. He just stared through her. She touched his arm, and he just stared through her.
Trembling, Fa bit her lip to try and focus herself. Without a helmet, Fa had to remind herself, he was losing oxygen quickly as long as the hatch was open. She had to act fast. Her hands moved quicker than her brain as she pulled him out of the mobile suit. He fell limp, and let her maneuver him like he was a small child. No, no that wasn't not quite right. He wasn't like a child. It was like he was a doll.
Fa guided Kamille through the space between their mobile suits. Without any difficulty she floated him into the cockpit of the Methuss, next to the pilot seat. He just sat there, unmoving, his blue eyes reflecting the stars and little else.
However, once she climbed in with him and closed the hatch, it was as if a fire was lit; Kamille's eyes instantly snapped to attention.
"...are you trapping me in here?" he asked, his voice small and shaky.
"Kamille?"
"I don't want to be trapped again. Don't trap me in here. Please. Please." Suddenly, Kamille lunged forward and slammed his fist on the closing hatch. "NO! Don't trap me in here please no-"
"Kamille!" Fa grabbed his shoulders. "It'll be okay! Okay? I- I'm going to get you back-"
"Let me out let me out let me out-"
The cockpit lit up all at once, as the featureless darkness gave way to a facsimile of space decorated with a smattering of overlays. Stars filled Kamille's eyes again.
"See, it's okay!" Fa gestured to the projection. "Look, look! Look at all that! Does that look like we're trapped? It's okay!"
The lights changed nothing. Kamille's eyes quivered, his large black pupils darting here and there. He pressed his trembling hand against the simulacrum projected before him. "Let me out..." he whispered.
"Kamille," Fa rocked his shoulders back, trying to push him back.
"Let me out. I'm trapped. Please let me out-"
"I'll get you back, and we'll get you out then. Just hold on for a little while longer. Please." Her grip on his shoulder tightened. "You won't ever have to come back in, I promise."
Her attempt to placate him did nothing. A quiet, rapid-fire stream of "let me out" poured from his mouth, repeated over and over. This plea grew louder and louder until he was shouting it.
"K-" Her words cut off as Kamille threw her off him.
"Let me out!" He slammed his fist against the side of the cockpit, again and again. His gloves started to stain red. "Let me out! Let me out! Let me out let me out let me out letmeoutletmeoutletmeoutLETMEOUTLETMEOUTLETMEOUT-"
"Kamille, stop! K- KAMILLE!" He wouldn't stop. She couldn't get him to stop.
In a blind panic, Fa grabbed Kamille and threw him as hard as she could against the back of the cockpit. The collision rattled the mobile suit as he landed with a horrifying thud. All at once Kamille slumped over and fell silent. It was only then Fa realized what she just did.
"I- I'm sorry, Kamille!" Fa darted to Kamille. "Oh my God, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, I-"
He didn't look at her. Or anything. The panic left his eyes, and nothing replaced it.
Fa screwed her eyes closed. She can't cry now, not now. She's not done yet. Taking a few shaky breaths, Fa forced her tears down and hailed the Argama. "I've... retrieved Kamille." Another breath. She had to speak slowly, to keep her voice even. "I'm bringing him back."
There was a brief silence. "...roger."
Fa climbed into the pilot's seat and placed her unsteady hands on the controls. As she stared out into space, her gaze fell on the Zeta Gundam. Of course this thing was perfectly intact. Good. Good. That's what's important, right? That's what really matters, right? The corner of her lips twitched. Fa wanted to scream.
The Methuss grabbed one of the Gundam's limbs. Like a mother leading a child, the Methuss returned to the Argama with the Zeta in tow. Kamille remained silent for the rest of the trip back to the Argama, staring at the stars.
As the hangar of the Argama opened, Fa said to Kamille, "we're almost back. I'll get you out then, okay?" She didn't turn back to see if he responded in any way.
As soon as she made contact with the Argama, she called out, "I'm going to drop the Zeta-"
"Wait, no! Not yet, they're not ready to retrieve it yet. Let's get you docked properly first."
"...Roger."
Once she was finally, finally properly docked (and, of course, returned the precious Zeta Gundam) Fa jumped up and opened the hatch. She let out a breath as it opened. Smiling, she threw off her helmet and turned to Kamille, "see, we're here! We can get you out, o-"
No response.
With a sigh, she rested her head against the edge of the hatch. For just a second, she let the tears down her face. Just for a second.
Once that second passed, Fa blinked the rest of the tears out of her eyes. Summoning every last bit of willpower she had, Fa glanced down. By now, a small crowd had gathered by the Methuss. All of them peered up to Fa and Kamille. She found herself surrounded by a sea of gawking faces, all of them here to leer at the tragedy. To see what's happened to Kamille. Suddenly, Fa hated every single person down there.
"Move, move!" From the back of the crowd, Captain Bright pushed his way forward. "Give them some space! Back up!" Bright swung his arms. "Let Dr. Hasan through! Move it!"
At once, the crowd fell back, from a swarm to a circle of people. Still watching. Gawking.
"Fa!" Bright called to her, "do you need help?"
"Ah, no, Captain Bright. Sorry. I'll bring Kamille down." She grabbed Kamille from under his armpits and lifted him up. She used a bit more force than needed, and in the low gravity he almost floated away. With a small jump she clasped her hands at the sides of his chest, holding firm. His limbs swayed aimlessly as she held him. She stared into his vacant eyes.
"We're back," she whispered. She almost wished he'd panic again. Scream at her, try to hit her... something. Anything. Any that would prove that he still could and that she didn't... She couldn't finish that thought.
Using the Methuss as a springboard, she pushed her way down to the doctor, Kamille in hand. Thankfully, Dr. Hasan had already brought a stretcher. As soon as she brought Kamille within arm's length, Bright snatched him from her hands.
"Captain-!"
"It's okay," Bright passed Kamille to the doctor. "It's okay! We'll handle it from here."
No. No. No. Don't. Fa's mind raced. Don't take him from me.
"I'll help!" She shouted after the doctor. Before anyone could respond, she pushed her way towards Kamille.
"Fa!" Bright started to chase after her, but stopped after a few steps. He let his shoulders sink as he watched them rush away.
---
"I'm going to start with a simple examination, okay Kamille?" Dr. Hasan said as he carried Kamille into his office. "Oh, Fa, can I ask for your help?"
"Yes, of course!" She ran up to his side. "Anything! How can I help?"
"One second." The doctor first placed Kamille on the examination table. At first he tried to place Kamille in a sitting position, but his body refused to sit upright. Instead, he laid Kamille down. Once he had Kamille in place, Dr. Hasan opened a drawer and pulled out a clipboard.
"All right. This sheet is to record the results of the examination." He handed the board to her, and pointed at the paper clipped onto it. "Could you help me fill this out? I'll tell you what to write and where to write it, okay?"
"No problem!" Fa raised her hand to the paper before realizing something was missing. "Oh, pen, I need a-"
"Oh yes, sorry." The doctor snapped up the pen lying on top of the desk and handed it to Fa. "Does it write?"
"Let me check..." She made a small mark at the top of the page. "Yup."
"Good, good. We're going to begin, Kamille." Dr. Hasan peered into Kamille's eyes. "Has Kamille been unresponsive ever since you removed him from the Gundam?"
She bit the inside of her cheek. "No- no." Tell him, Fa screamed to herself. Tell him what happened. "He was speaking earlier, but he- he wasn't making any sense. He stopped speaking, and he's stopped... moving."
"I see." The doctor scanned over Kamille's head, tilting it a few times, searching for any abnormalities.
"No external sign of head injury, at least. We'll need an x-ray or soft tissue scan to truly know if there's brain damage, though."
"Do we have the ability to do those scans?"
The doctor shook his head. "Not really. Kamille... really needs to go to a hospital. But for now, we'll do what we can."
Fa sighed. It was pretty foolish to think that the good doctor was going to magically make everything better.
As he ran a hand through Kamille's hair, Dr. Hasan furrowed his brow. "I think he has some glass in his hair."
"Oh, really?" If Fa recalled, his helmet did crack, so that made sense.
"He'll need a shower to get all the glass off. We’ll have to worry about that later." He walked over to Kamille's feet. "Kamille, we'll need to remove your pilot suit. Fa, can you help me? I just need you to lift him when needed."
"Yes, doctor."
The doctor started at the extremities. First, off came the boots. Then he pulled off Kamille's gloves. Fa gasped as she saw his bloody red hands.
Dr. Hasan just pressed his lips together and walked over to his desk. As he rummaged for supplies, he asked Fa, "Oh, on the sheet, do you see the section that says 'injuries?'"
"Uh- yes, I do."
"Under 'extremities' could you write 'numerous shallow lacerations and bruises on hands, left and right?'"
As she made the note, the doctor wet a cotton pad with disinfectant. Even standing a few feet away, the harsh alcoholic smell of the disinfectant burned Fa's nostrils.
"It looks worse than it is," he noted as he cleaned Kamille's hands. Still, Fa had to wince as the bruises under the blood came into view. It had to be painful, she thought. It had to be so painful, but he can’t tell us.
Once cleaned, the doctor swiftly wrapped bandages around Kamille's hands. Dr. Hasan moved on to removing the rest of his pilot suit. With Fa's help, they wriggled him out of the suit.
"All right," the doctor placed his hands on the hem of Kamille's shirt, "now we remove the shirt."
"Doctor?! What?!"
Dr. Hasan cocked his head in confusion. Oh, right, Fa had to remind herself. Doctors take your shirt off sometimes. She stood behind Kamille and pushed him up to help the doctor remove the shirt. As he pulled the garment off, Fa noticed a large red circular mark in the middle of Kamille's back. Oh. That's. When.
(Tell him tell him TELL HIM.)
The words wouldn't come. Fa couldn't form the words. Dr. Hasan couldn't really see the mark where he was, and so undeterred he simply continued the examination as normal. Fa's heart beat like a hummingbird’s as she watched him, writing down whatever notes Dr. Hasan asked her to. Temperature: normal. (He still hadn't noticed.) Blood pressure: normal. (He still hadn't noticed.) Pulse: somewhat elevated, but within normal parameters. (He still hadn't noticed.) Heart and respiration: normal. (He still hadn't noticed.) Reflexes: normal. (He still hadn't noticed.)
Her heart was ready to explode. Fa took a sharp breath in. She had to tell him. She had to tell the doctor what she did.
"All right, Fa, I think-"
"Doctor." She clasped the clipboard to her chest. "I- I need to confess something."
Dr. Hasan tilted his head. "Fa?"
"I-" She had to breathe. Just breathe. "When we were- when I was taking Kamille back, I... threw him."
"You threw him?"
Fa pressed the clipboard against her chest and looked down. "Yes. Against the cockpit. Hard. I- I didn't know what to do he panicked and he was slamming his fist against the hatch and I panicked and I think I might have-"
"Fa." The doctor laid his hands on top of her trembling arms. "Breathe. It's okay."
She took a breath. And another. She could still hear her pulse in her ears. "...I think I hurt him. He hit- I threw him against the back of the cockpit and- and-"
"Let me take a look, okay?"
Gingerly, he slipped his hands under Kamille's shoulder. He rolled Kamille onto his side. Fa gasped as she saw the large red mark in plain view.
"Hm, it's a nasty looking bruise." He placed his hands on Kamille's back. "It'll need an ice pack, but it should heal within a few days." He rolled Kamille onto his back again. "It'll be okay, Fa."
For a split second, Fa felt a burden fall away. And in another second, it came crashing back down onto her. He doesn't realize, she thought. He doesn't realize.
"Fa?"
"...he was talking, before I threw him. He was moving. He stopped afterward. He hasn't since I threw him."
"I see." Dr. Hasan's face dropped. "Fa, you don't think-"
"Why did I take him out of the Gundam?!" The edges of the clipboard dug into Fa's arms. "Why didn't I just leave him?! I should have just left him in! He wouldn't have panicked! And I wouldn't have hurt him! I did this to him! Oh God I... I did this to him. I did this-"
"Fa." Dr. Hasan gripped her shoulders and stared in her eyes. "You made the right call in retrieving Kamille."
"I-"
"He was already behaving erratically, yes?"
"He was... saying odd things, yes."
"If you just retrieved the Gundam by itself, you had no guarantee he'd have stayed in it. He might have tried to escape. It was much safer to keep in the cockpit with you, to keep an eye on him." He shook his head. "You panicked and made a mistake. It happens. It's okay."
"You don't understand!" She tried to back away from the doctor but only slammed her back into the wall. "He was talking and moving and then he stopped! He stopped after I- I think he hit his head. He must have! That's the only thing that explains-"
"No, you didn't cause his unresponsive state." He tightened his grip on her shoulders. "Trust me. You would have to have hit him much harder to render him unresponsive. You didn't do this."
"I-" she tightened her arms around the clipboard even more.
"Fa, you've been through a lot yourself.” He patted her shoulders. “You have to give yourself grace."
He just doesn't understand. The thoughts raced through Fa's head. He doesn't understand. What right does she have to pity herself? She lived. She lived and made it out intact. She had a responsibility. And she was failing it.
"Fa," Dr. Hasan grabbed the clipboard. "Go sit down. Take a break."
"But-" she loosened her grip on the board. Deep red grooves lined the inside of her arms. "I need to-"
"I can take it from here."
"What? No! I can help, I-"
Dr. Hasan pulled the clipboard out of her arms. "You've been a big help. I mean it. But you need to take care of yourself, too. Take a break. Why don't you get something to eat?"
With a sigh, her shoulders drooped. "Okay, doctor."
Defeated, she lumbered out of the doctor's office. Her stomach felt like a lead weight; food was out of the question. But what else was she supposed to do? Where else was she going to go? Without any real plan, she floated down to the breakroom. Well, maybe she could go talk to somewhere there. Like Lieutenant Qu-
Oh.
Fa dug her fingernails into her arms. All she could think about was how utterly useless she was. She was useless and now she was the only one left. No one else could pick up her slack. Everyone is so careful to be so gentle with her because they know she's weak and useless and pitiable. She just wanted to scream. She just wanted to scream and cry. But the last thing she wanted to do was to just sit around and cry. She just wanted to talk to someone but just wanted to be left alone.
Fa had no idea what she wanted anymore.
"Fa!" The sudden voice startled Fa. She saw two little bodies drifting towards her.
"Fa," Shinta cried out, "Fa, you're okay!" He tackle-hugged her.
"Is it true?!" Qum followed behind him, and latched onto Fa's side. "That Katz and Mr. Quattro aren't coming back?"
God, Fa can't do this right now. Regardless, she took a deep breath and steeled herself. "Yes, that's true."
"What happened?!"
"Qum, don't be dumb," Shinta said, "they're dead!"
Fa gasped and clamped her hands over her mouth. Not now, she can't cry now no no no...
"What...?" Qum's little voice quavered. "They're- they're-"
"Shinta, don't talk like that!" Fa screamed.
"Fa..." the boy stared at his shoes, "I didn't- I'm sorry-"
Both children looked at her, their eyes glossy with tears. She just wanted them to go away. Please. Please just go away...
"...is Kamille okay?" Shinta muttered.
"He's..." She swallowed a lump. "He's hurt. He needs to heal."
Qum lit up, just a bit. "Can we visit him?"
"NO!" Both children recoiled at her loud outburst. Fa took a few rapid breaths. No, she has to stay calm. "I- I- I mean, no, he's hurt- he needs quiet. He needs to heal."
"We can be quiet!" Shinta said.
"Yeah," Qum tugged on her arm, "we can be quiet!"
Fa slammed her fist against the wall. "I SAID NO!"
The dam burst. The two children wailed, red-faced and dripping snot. Fa's fingernails dug into her hands. Damn it, damn it, damn it. Useless useless useless-
"Fa?!" Bright darted out from a side room and rushed up behind her. "Shinta, Qum, wh-"
"F- F-" Qum sniffled. "She yelled at us!"
"We just wanna see Kamille!" Shinta added.
"Shinta, Qum." Bright placed a hand on both of their shoulders. "You can't see Kamille right now, okay?"
Shinta sniffed. "Why not?!"
"Dr. Hasan is still helping him. He needs to really concentrate. You can see him later, all right?"
"...Captain Bright..." Fa muttered.
"Listen, a lot has happened. I'm sorry, but us grown-ups are really busy right now." Bright sighed. "Could you guys go to your room and play for now? I promise I'll explain everything later, okay?"
Shinta sneered at Bright. After a second, however, he hung his head and muttered "fine." Grabbing Qum's hand, he dragged them both away.
Bright exhaled as he watched them leave. "Goodness. It's going to hard to-"
"...why did you tell them they could see Kamille later?" Fa cut him off.
"They'll want to-"
"They can't." Fa screwed her eyes closed. "They can't see Kamille like this."
"Fa." He rested a hand on her shoulder. "They have to eventually."
He was right. Some part of her knew this. They need to know; they deserved to know. But another part of her raged. How could he say that?! How can he be so blase about this?! He sat in his captain's chair and ordered all these pilots to their deaths. Now he's going to parade Kamille's comatose body in front of these kids.
"Fa," Bright took his hand off, "c-"
"You did this to him." The words poured out of her mouth, sludgy and nasty.
Bright stood there blinking, unable to form a response.
"You did this to him," she said again, looking him square in the eyes this time. Her eyes flashed bright with anger. "You all. You all did this to him. You threw him into that mobile suit again and again... You made him kill. Again and again. And now there's nothing left. You used him up and now there's nothing left." Tears fell from her eyes. She couldn't even try to stop them anymore. "There's nothing left."
"...Fa, I-" Bright glanced to this side, unable to hold her gaze anymore. "You-"
Without another word, Fa pushed past the captain and flew directly to her room. Once inside, she fell back against the door and sank to the ground. She cried. She couldn't do anything else. She cried until she couldn't any more.