Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

2381 - San Francisco - Janeway's Premises

A familiar scene: empty plates on the dining table, flickering candlelight illuminating the room, soft jazz playing in the background, and the cheerful murmur of two silhouettes seated close together on the couch. It is just another innocent dinner among the few they have shared over the past couple of months. It has taken them time to get here, to the point where they are slowly becoming comfortable around each other again. They can now tread the familiar, teasing ground of blurring the lines between professional and flirty, yet never fully crossing them.

Chakotay had since returned to command and was set to depart next year on Starfleet’s new experimental ship, the USS Protostar, to the Delta Quadrant. There was still plenty of work to be done on the ship, along with training for the mission, but whatever little free time he had, he chose to spend with Janeway, sensing her growing loneliness. Chakotay had noticed a sudden change in her demeanor following the recent dealings with Seven and the Fernis Rangers. Janeway had made many enemies in her efforts to protect Seven, and his old instincts as her first officer kicked in.

It has been three years since Voyager’s abrupt return to Earth. What should have been a joyous, liberating event ended up complicating matters more than anyone expected. How could it not? The life you had known for the past seven years suddenly changed in the blink of an eye, and you were expected to adapt almost instantaneously. As Starfleet officers, adaptation is something you are trained for. But no amount of manuals or preparation could have taught you how to handle the shock of returning to a completely different life after seven relentless years in the menacing Delta Quadrant. It was ludicrous to expect so! Yet, it was expected.

2378 - USS Voyager

Feeling the onslaught of a whirlwind of emotions, Janeway clung to her last shred of composure as she turned to see her XO’s chair empty. Chakotay was standing by Seven’s side. Formalities were needed now more than ever. No, not formalities. Distance. Clear, cold distance. This was no time to dwell on feelings. They were back in the Alpha Quadrant. They were really back. After seven grueling years, she finally did it!

“Mr. Chakotay. The helm.”

What she failed to notice was that he was struggling just as much with the weight of the moment, and for more reasons than one. Her coldness made her oblivious to his visible discomfort. His mind was in chaos.

What does this mean for the Maquis? What does this mean for him? What does this mean for them? Who are them?

Just hours ago, he had been fighting for his relationship with Seven, yet now he was confused. Lost. His mind reeled with the realization that after so many failed attempts, so many lost opportunities, they were finally home.

He cast a brief glance at Seven, his face devoid of relief or affection. Surely, she noticed.

This was the last scenario he had imagined for this moment; the moment they finally returned home. There was a time when he had dreamed of crossing that barrier with Kathryn right there on the bridge, protocols and parameters be damned. If that had been their last moment together for whatever reason, he would have wanted her to know his truth.

But that felt like another lifetime ago. Didn’t it?

He didn’t want to hurt Janeway by showing affection for Seven on the bridge, but he also didn’t want to hurt Seven by suppressing his newfound feelings for her. So he simply stood there, simmering in anger at his own indecisiveness.

Then Janeway turned to him, and he locked onto her eyes. Instinctively, he greeted her with a warm, shy smile. She always had that effect on him. After all, their shared belief in their mission had given him a renewed sense of purpose. He had found peace in her.

And then it happened - the formality. After seven long years, they had finally reached Earth, and the first thing she said to him was Mister. Not Commander, not just Chakotay - but Mister.

How cold.

"Commander" still held weight. She used his title when she needed to keep things professional, to maintain distance. He always knew where he stood when she called him that. But Mister? That was reserved for strangers.

She knew. He saw it in her eyes. And he hadn’t been the one to tell her.

He obeyed her order, walking past her, drained of the warmth that had always radiated between them whenever they were near.

She sat in her captain’s chair, her expression steady, holding fast to protocol. She was the captain, and she would bring her crew home.

Staring at the viewscreen, she spoke.

“Set a course... for home.”

It was not without irony that he was the one to pilot her ship home.

That was their final day on Voyager.

Chapter Text

Over the past few months, Janeway and Chakotay have been carefully picking up the shattered pieces of their friendship. Last year, she learned that Chakotay and Seven had ended things and were no longer in touch. Janeway felt guilty for finding a twinge of satisfaction in that news, as if her own feelings had suddenly become validated.

Though she didn’t blame Seven for their short-lived romance and even sympathized with her, she couldn’t shake the bitterness felt toward Chakotay. She knew it wasn’t entirely fair - after all, she had been the one to insist that nothing could have transpired between them. Not in the Delta Quadrant, not with everyone’s lives in her hands. Despite her own complicated feelings, the last thing she wanted was to be selfish. For seven years, the needs of others had always come first. What was one more person’s need? Loneliness was a companion she knew well.

But why Seven?

...

There was no sugarcoating it. It was a complete disaster, and Chakotay knew it. Not because he dared to seek his own happiness with a beautiful, young woman; he had allowed himself a reprieve from the guilt of wanting to be wanted. The real guilt lay in admitting to himself that, while he genuinely liked Seven and could envision a future with her, she—or anyone else, for that matter—would always be a second choice. He had tried to move on, to bury his feelings, but the more time he spent with Seven, the clearer it became: he was deluding himself, forcing something that never had a future.

He believed Seven realized this early on, too. How could she not, with her Borg physiology capable of detecting every subtle change in a human body? She was in her own state of denial.

Seven had grown cold and distant, harboring anger for more reasons than one: struggling to find her place in the world, battling the stigma of being part Borg, facing rejection from Starfleet, and, ultimately, from his heart.

She had ended their relationship after months of deliberate sabotage. While Chakotay felt a deep sense of cowardice for not ending it himself, it also preserved the last shreds of pride he had left. He could convince himself that he had done everything possible to make it work with Seven, that he hadn’t foolishly embarked on a relationship doomed from the start. But deep down, he was begrudgingly thankful she had spared him the mess of ending it himself.

He still cared deeply for Seven and would always be there for her if she needed him, though only as a friend.

It was time, he decided, to start mending whatever echo of his friendship with Kathryn remained.

2381 - San Francisco - Janeway's Premises

And now they were here again, sitting together on her couch after dinner, laughing over the day’s topics.

As Janeway stood up to put the plates away, Chakotay found himself watching her, a glimmer of guilt still twisting inside him. He wasn’t sure if that feeling would ever truly fade, but one truth remained undeniable. Despite being able to see her in person only every few months due to his demanding schedule, he was grateful to have her back in his life, even if only in small, fleeting moments.

He couldn’t tell her that, not yet anyway, but he hoped to lay the groundwork, to see if, someday maybe... Despite priding himself on understanding every subtle nuance of Kathryn Janeway, where her feelings lay was still an enigma. Was it because they had danced around this for so long that neither of them knew how to broach the subject, or was it simply that he was too afraid to hope for anything more? He wasn’t sure.

Sometimes he wondered if returning to command was his way of escaping from facing his complicated feelings. Maybe this was all they were ever meant to share. But then moments like this one would come, where she’d brush her fingers against his arm, her eyes locking onto his with that deep, searching look. In those moments, all his carefully constructed thoughts would crumble like a house of cards, and all he’d want to do was cup her face and…

*chirp chirp*

“I thought you were off duty?”

“I am, but HQ mentioned I might get a call sooner if they make progress with the Protostar.”

“I see…” Her face falls so quickly it’s almost imperceptible. Almost.

Chakotay reaches for his combadge, pulling it from the jacket draped over the armchair. As he takes the call, Janeway leans back against the couch, fingers tracing the rim of her coffee cup. She doesn’t say anything, but the way her gaze follows him, frustration flickering beneath the surface, says enough.

“I thought I had more time. I’m sorry.”

“That’s Starfleet for you. I used to miss it back in the Delta Quadrant, but now I can’t wait to escape the endless debriefs,” Janeway says, rubbing her temples in exasperation. “Be careful what you wish for, I guess.”

Chakotay is taken aback by her visible annoyance, especially since their evening was coming to an end anyway. He gives her a rueful smile as he starts putting on his boots.

“I’ll let you know when I have time off again so we can arrange another meeting…” He glances at her playfully. “If you’ll still have me after burning your coffee.”

“I have yet to meet someone in the Alpha Quadrant who I enjoy sharing meals with as much as I do with you. I think you’re safe…”

She takes her cup of coffee and smells it. Her eyebrow arches sharply, and her nose crinkles slightly as if in mock offense, though a faint smirk betrays her playful attitude.

“For now.”

Chakotay chuckles. “Next time you make coffee and I’ll prepare the food.”

“You got yourself a deal.”

She walks him to the door.

"This has been another wonderful evening, Kathryn. I know I’m gone more often than I’d like," he glances upward with a small smile, "and my schedule is packed with—how did you put it?—endless debriefs. Especially with the Delta Quadrant mission coming up. But these dinners…" he meets her gaze, voice softer "No matter how hectic things get, I always have this to look forward to."

Janeway’s expression shifts. The teasing fades, replaced by something warmer, something unguarded. She holds his gaze for a moment longer than necessary.

Then...

“Well.” He exhales lightly, almost as if shaking himself from the moment. “I better be going.”

He leans in.

A kiss, just a brush of lips against her cheek, brief but warm. A novelty he decides to test.

She freezes. The warmth of his lips lingers. It lasts longer than expected. Long enough that she feels the heat rise to her cheeks as he pulls away.

He offers a quiet goodbye before stepping out.

Janeway stands there, unmoving, the room somehow feeling emptier in his absence.

Then, slowly, her fingers touch the spot where he kissed her. She whispers, almost to herself...

“Bye.”

Chapter Text

2382 - San Francisco - Janeway's Premises

The final time they meet is few weeks before the Protostar mission launch.

The evening passes quietly as Chakotay and Janeway finish their meal. The table between them is cluttered with empty plates and half-empty glasses, but neither seems in a hurry to clear it away. The conversation has slowed to a comfortable silence, with only the occasional clink of silverware breaking it.

Chakotay shifts in his seat, eyes flicking toward Janeway before he clears his throat. After a few beats, he finally speaks, his voice low but steady.

"There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you..." Chakotay's fingers nervously tracing the rim of his glass. He hesitates for a moment, looking down at it before meeting her eyes. "For a while now."

"That sounds ominous," Janeway teases, taking a sip of her Antarian Cider.

“Depends on your perspective."

Chakotay stands up, walks over to his jacket, and pulls out a small box wrapped in light white paper. He returns to the table, settling back down with the box in hand. Janeway’s gaze follows his every move like a curious cat.

“I think it’s time I returned this to its rightful owner,” Chakotay says, placing the box delicately between them.

Janeway’s eyes flit from the box to him and back to the box. After a moment of hesitation, she reaches for it, but Chakotay gently grabs her hand as she does. She freezes, searching his eyes for clarity.

“If you want it…” he says softly.

It’s not a plea. Just an offering.

He releases her hand almost immediately, the choice left entirely to her.

She picks up the box, slowly unwrapping the paper to reveal a sleek black case. Opening it, she finds exactly what she thought, no, hoped would be inside.

The compact mirror.

The one he once tried to give her. The one she couldn’t accept.

Her fingers tighten slightly around it as her heart thrums at full impulse.

“I was hoping you’d be ready to accept this gift. It was never mine to keep."

Janeway’s lips part as if to say something, but no sound comes out. A long silence stretches between them, and Chakotay starts to panic, wondering if he’s made a mistake.

Not wanting to pressure her, Chakotay nearly blurts out, “Don’t worry, no strings attached.”

He offers her a tentative smile, but Janeway’s expression shifts, a flicker of disappointment crossing her face.

“I was hoping there were some strings attached.”

Janeway’s admission is an invitation, and Chakotay finally decides to bring their endless dance around this topic to a close.

“My feelings haven’t changed, Kathryn, no matter how hard I’ve tried… and spirits know I’ve tried. But I don’t want to push you into something you don’t want… I want you to keep that mirror because I made it for you. If nothing else, let it serve as a reminder of our voyage together.”

“I will accept it, Chakotay... But for more than just a token of our voyage together.”

His eyes widen slightly in surprise.

“You know… you’re not the only one who tried to change their feelings.”

“Did you succeed?”

A wry smile touches her lips. “Of course not.”

Chakotay remains silent, wanting to give her space to express herself.

She exhales, setting the mirror down carefully.

“But I don’t know how to… proceed.”

Her fingers trace over the lid of the mirror. A nervous gesture, though she keeps her expression controlled.

“It’s not that I don’t want to. But you’ll be gone for a long time, on the other side of the galaxy. And I still have some… unfinished matters with Starfleet.”

“Kathryn,” he says gently. “If you’re worried that my feelings might change during the mission…” He pauses, considering his words carefully. “That’s also why I want you to have the mirror.”

He picks it up again, turning it so she can see the inscription.

When in doubt, look here.

“I was always afraid of the truth we both knew,” she murmurs, almost to herself. “For reasons I told you once… Our line of work, it’s…”

She trails off, unable to find the right words.

Chakotay reaches for her hands, holding them gently between his own.

“I’ll make you a deal,” he says, his voice low and certain. “If you want to, Kathryn, after I return from the Delta Quadrant—”

*chirp chirp*

The sound of his combadge startles them both. The moment shatters.

Chakotay sighs, reluctant but resigned, before standing to answer it. As he steps away, Janeway keeps her eyes fixed on the mirror, lost in thought.

By the time he turns back, regret is already written on his face.

“Time flies when you’re in good company,” he says, managing a small smile. “I lost track of the hours. I was supposed to report to headquarters an hour ago.”

Janeway stands, closing the distance between them, her eyes focused on the floor until she finally looks up at him.

“I just need you to promise me that you’ll come back."

Chakotay doesn’t need to ask why. He knows the weight she carries; Justin, Mark… all the people she’s lost. He knows the risk he’s asking her to take.

And though duty has always come first, he understands now more than ever what this means.

“All I can promise,” he says, voice gentle, “is that I won’t take any unnecessary risks.”

“Good,” she replies.

"Good enough?"

"It will have to be."

Chakotay smiles and grabs his jacket.

“Will I see you at the christening?”

“My schedule's packed, but I’ll make it work. I hope being Vice Admiral comes with some other perks besides instilling fear in young cadets,” Janeway jokes, attempting to lighten the mood.

They walk to the door and pause, standing face to face.

“I’m sorry that my poor time management derailed our evening… but I meant every word I said.”

“You know, I’m still waiting to hear the rest of that intriguing deal you were about to propose…” Janeway teases with her gaze locked onto his lips.

Chakotay exhales, his eyes searching hers for any sign of hesitation. Then, without another word, he cups her face in both hands, his touch reverent, as if memorizing the moment before it even begins.

And then he kisses her.

It’s unhurried, filled with quiet longing, like something long overdue yet perfectly timed. His thumb grazes her cheek in a slow, soothing motion, as if reassuring himself that she’s really here, that this is real.

Janeway stiffens for just a heartbeat, years of restraint making one last stand before she melts into him, her hands gripping the fabric of his uniform as if anchoring herself to this moment.

Neither of them moves away just yet. Instead, their foreheads rest together, eyes closed, sharing a quiet moment. 

“Well,” she murmurs, “I see command has given you a new sense of boldness.”

Chakotay chuckles. “The idea of waiting until I came back to do this… it was starting to feel like torture.”

Janeway smirks.

Finally, Chakotay leans back, just enough to look at her.

“And I will return, Kathryn. You have my word.”

She meets his eyes, her walls not gone but lowered just enough.

“I’ll hold you to that promise.”