Work Text:
Izuku senses that something is off. He knows that something definitely is, yet he can’t determine what. Nor can he understand how long things have really been off, and he hasn’t even realized.
Loving was his favourite thing. He loved loving Katsuki. However, over these past couple of weeks their relationship had gone through changes that he had only noticed after a longer period of time. Katsuki was distant, but for what reason, Izuku didn’t know. They were happy and had been dating for a couple of months now, and Katsuki has been the best partner he could ask for. He pampers Izuku endlessly and cares for him, checks up on his well-being and is there for him emotionally. Physically, Kacchan is even sweeter. Endless morning kisses to wake Izuku up so gently, cuddling him to death with strong arms almost every day. He would hold him so close, he would treat Izuku like a jewel worth millions.
But.. why was Kacchan backing away from him recently? Any time Izuku tried to return this affection, Kacchan got weird about it. Izuku would hold him, too. He would sometimes sneak up behind Kacchan and wrap arms around his torso or waist. Or maybe he would spend the longest minutes of his life admiring every sharp feature that belonged to Kacchan’s face, caressing it while doing so. And he would always hold his hand, lacing his rougher fingers between Kacchan’s softer ones and holding onto that hand, cherishing every second that he got to physically love Kacchan. It was what he had always wanted most. These last few weeks, Kacchan was lying to him. He could tell. Izuku hadn’t noticed it at first, until Kacchan’s excuses occurred more often, suspiciously, too. He needed to do something about it before it ate up even more of his mind. So he decides to confront it on their next date.
Izuku had analyzed that any time he got too physically close to Kacchan, that was when he backed out and made an excuse to leave or call their activity short. But he didn’t seem uncomfortable, because he gave Izuku so much affection, if not more. So surely he should want that affection to be returned, no? They had a healthy relationship, yet Kacchan seemed unwilling to accept Izuku’s love.
Izuku takes them out somewhere quiet, to the park that they always used to play in as little kids. No one ever came here, it slowly became abandoned and a little overgrown, and it was nostalgic to go return and be in their own little world, undisturbed. He figured that Kacchan would open up easier if they’re alone and somewhere that they both deemed a safe place away from the big world sometimes.
Izuku sits Kacchan on one of the swings, moving to push him at a smooth pace, receiving a small grumble.
“Freckles, ‘m not five.”
“Shhh, let’s just have some fun, okay? Relax.” he laughs quietly, but Kacchan’s body still appears rather tense. That makes him frown. He wishes that he could read Kacchan’s mind, hear his worries or upsets outright, and fix them. Izuku was trying his hardest to help him relax and open up naturally, but he knew at the end of the day he wouldn’t budge.
He continues to push him for a while more, hoping that maybe the silence would spark a conversation. After a couple of slightly awkward minutes, Izuku brings the swing to a slow stop before extending out his hand. “Come.”
Kacchan tilts his head. “Where we going, ‘Zu?” he questions, standing up and looking at him unknowingly. Izuku notes his face. He stares at the eye bags that he notices under a thin layer of concealer. Kacchan wasn’t sleeping well? He needed to know what was wrong. He takes his hand slowly with growing concern and seats them both at one of the old benches. Izuku doesn’t sit too close to him and allows him some personal space, close enough to rest a hand on his arm.
“What’s been going on recently, Kacchan?” asks a concerned Izuku after gathering the courage to even start such a conversation. He always got anxious having more serious talks, because his mind couldn’t help jumping to the worst. He can’t help shifting closer as he speaks, a hand reaching to hold his face and allow himself to tilt Kacchan’s head to look back at him. “You’ve been avoiding me.”
“No? I dunno what you mean.” he barks back quicker than he should have, tone defensive. Izuku’s face drops. Well, fuck. He just outed himself, didn’t he?
“Kacchan..” he sighs, hand retracting from his face and gently carding through the spikes on the side of his head. “You’ve been acting off. All week, maybe even a few, and I didn’t notice sooner.” he frowns with guilt. He should’ve noticed. “Did I cause something? Every time we get close recently.. it feels like I’m being pushed away.”
Katsuki’s eyes ever so slightly soften , growing weaker and sadder at those words. Izuku was feeling as if Katsuki fucking hated him or something. Well, shit. Could he be any worse of a partner right now? His heart aches to realize that he had probably given Izuku a massive headache trying to solve his stupid internal problems.
“I noticed it a few weeks ago, you started making.. excuses, I think?” he mumbles out uncertainly. He didn’t want Kacchan to get angry at him. “M-Maybe I’m wrong, but you kept ending our dates early, or pushing me away every time I got close. I didn’t even notice, but the other day you left and you looked really upset. Kacchan, am I doing it wrong? Am I not loving you the way you wanted to be? I—“
“It’s fine.” he interrupts.
His head perked up, looking back at Katsuki. He tilted his head so slightly, to silently ask. “Are you sure..? You-“
“I want it. I want it all with you, freckles.”
His answer was short. It felt.. like it was cut off, like his answer wasn’t full, honest. Izuku didn’t feel like it was an entire truth. Though he doesn’t know if he may just be overthinking it after all. Sometimes Kacchan wasn’t the best with PDA and he was first to understand that. And maybe he just wasn’t feeling too affectionate recently, maybe Izuku was just being too clingy of a boyfriend. Kacchan often wore eyeliner, so concealer shouldn’t surprise him. But the restless look in his eyes..
Not wanting to push on the touchy subject considering how on edge Kacchan looks, he cuddles closer, legs now lightly touching as he sits right next to him on the bench. Izuku’s hand finds its way over to Kacchan’s face once more, leans in and plants kisses over his lips and temple. He leaves their kisses short and chaste, and Kacchan leans into the affections.
When he pulls away, Kacchan’s eyes are pouring with fresh tears.
“K-Kacc- Why are you crying?” he panics, pulling away and cupping the face that cried silently, eyes darting from Izuku’s in shame. He rubbed the hem of his sleeve over his eyes in a poor attempt to wipe his misery off his face.
“It’s nothing. It’s bullshit.” he tried to brush it off, but that didn’t fly with Izuku anymore.
“H-Hey, no. Tell me, please, Kacchan..” he frowned deeply, hands forming gentler against his cheeks that grew tearstained.
“Fuck,” he groaned, sniffling and meeting Izuku’s worried eyes. He couldn’t even give his boyfriend some peace? He let him worry over him, again. “I didn’t mean to cry. I don’t wanna.” he adds weakly, voice quieter and fragile. He hatescrying, though these tears had welled in his heart for too long. He should’ve said something sooner in their relationship, now he sits in front of his partner a crying mess as a result of keeping it all bottled inside.
“Kacchan hey, hey, you can if you need to— What is it? Please talk to me,” he frowns, continually wiping the tears that fell with the pads of his thumbs, giving him a small smile of reassurance that crumbled when he was met with a weak cry for a response.
“J-Just feel undeserving.” he sniffled, sleeve bundled to his face in the embarrassment of being seen so vulnerable. “This shit is too good for someone like me, Izuku.”
“Undeserving? What do you mean? What’s too good—“
“You are!” he strains, brows furrowed in the frustration of his own emotions which overwhelmed him, throat dry of words. “I don’t deserve this, I don’t know how to take it, cuz’ it feels like I shouldn’t have any of this, a-any of you.” he admits, his whole answer piecing together eventually. “Of course I want everything you give me, I want everything we have to stay the same, and I’d never trade you, but— the feeling of being so undeserving every single time you love me the way you do, I just can’t shake it off.” he clenched his fist, rubbing his wet eyes once more. “You shouldn’t love me. You deserve so much better than- than this shit!” he gestures to himself. “I shouldn’t love you. I shouldn’t be allowed to love you.“
Izuku eyes water, lips parted as he tries to speak, but instead followed a pained sound.
“How can you say that? Kacchan, we’re past all of that.” he asks, voice hurt. He felt this way the whole time? He feels like he shouldn’t be loved? That caused Izuku heartache more than anything.
“It’s true, I don’t deserve any of this shitty love. You could have so much better than me, ‘Zuku. Yet you chose me? You put all of your love into me? W-Why?” his voice breaks.
“Because I do love you!” Izuku shouts angrily, tears rolling down his face. “If i hadn’t made it obvious for our whole lives, you’re the most important person in my life. The most admirable. All I wanted was for us to be on good terms.” he clenches his fists. He was so deeply passionate about Katsuki, he would never accept such hatred toward him, even if it were from Kacchan himself. “You can say all you want, but it isn’t true, Kacchan. It never will be. I want to love you and I want your love too. Of course you deserve it. H-How dare you?” he asks with a saddened frown.
He listens to Izuku’s agitated tone, unable to form the words to stop him. Now he feels his guilt triple. Katsuki can’t find it in him to say anything, feeling like he deserved to shut up right now. Izuku doesn’t stop.
“No one talks about Kacchan so badly, not even himself.” he speaks sternly, fists unclenched as he takes a breath and comes closer to hug him as tightly as he could. “Kacchan, I love you. That won’t ever change. Of course you deserve love. I love you, and I wanna give it my all to show you that every day. Please..” he speaks softer, calming down from his previous state. He couldn’t help getting so defensive like that, but it hurt him deeply to see the person who’s so sure of his confident crumble right before him, even worse to crumble in self hatred and doubt. When Kacchan was in any negative light, he lost the ability to control his heart.
Katsuki reluctantly nods. “I should’ve said something sooner. This is my bad, I should’ve spoken up, shit..” he sighs, rubbing his eyes primarily dry. “I’m sorry. Again.” he adds, taking a breath.
“Don’t apologize.. just talk to me.” he asks, looking at him, pleading. “Don’t keep this to yourself, I’m your partner..”
Kacchan takes a moment. “I want everything with you, and I want to give everything to you. I didn’t want to make it sound as if me and you weren’t working out. I want us to.” he quickly addresses, worried of Izuku taking his upset the wrong way. “But.. I think that I’m having a hard time truly accepting that you love me. That you want all of this with me, too. I feel like I shouldn’t deserve you for what I’ve done. When I’m the one to kiss you, I know you deserve it. You deserve for me to be the best fucker in the world to you after our childhood. But when it’s the other way around.. I,” he sighs. “My heart twists. It feels wrong. You never once hated me like that, you never stopped chasing me, you’ve always been too fuckin’ good for me, and now you’re so willing to love me. It- I’m not used to this. I don’t feel worthy.”
Izuku holds him close, allowing him to release every word from this tightly sealed bottle he must have been holding for so long. Part of him feels great sorrow to have not realized sooner the mental anguish Kacchan must have felt. The other part of him feels relief. Thank god that Kacchan chose to communicate this to him in the end, no matter how long it took.
“Hear it from me then, okay? I love you. And my heart wants nothing more than to have you in my life. Kacchan, I can’t imagine a world in which you don’t exist. Whether you feel worthy or not, I need you.” he keeps his arm hooked around his shoulders, the other resting on Kacchan’s bouncing thigh. Nerves, for sure. He doesn’t feel fully confident having this conversation yet. Izuku soothes him, talks him through all of his worries. “You’re worthy of so much. Your problem is that you don’t know how to forgive yourself.”
“I know.” he mumbles, head dropping to gaze upon his lap, ashamed. Izuku tilts his chin upward.
“It’s okay.” he smiles. “I forgive you, I need you to know and acknowledge that first and foremost. Yes?”
“I know that, too,” he nods in understanding. “I’m sorry, I-“
Izuku places a finger against his lips. “No apologies, Kacchan. Focus on the now, not the then.” he reminds him. “Where are we right now? Look at us.” he smiles, cheeks rosy. “I’m happier than ever with you. And I mean that. We’re gonna get through high school and be heroes together. We have such a great future together, like we always wanted.”
Katsuki smiles faintly at the memory of them as little kids, bickering over what to name their agency, or what their hero names would be also. He thinks about some of their sweet and innocent childhood moments, nodding quietly. He was so consumed in all of the bad, that he usually forgets to reminisce in the good. They were so happy when they were little kids, and they could feel that again, reunited truly for the rest of their lives. “We’re happy.. ‘M really happy with you”. Kacchan reminds himself slowly, nodding quietly in affirmation to Izuku’s precious words.
“Yeah? And I am, too. We’re both happy. No matter how rough things might have been. Right now we’re on the right path, and we’ll continue to be.”
“I want that too, ‘Zuku. I want it all with you”.
“You really mean it this time?”
“I never didn’t mean it. I just.. I want all this shit as long as it’s with you. I want you more than anything. And I want to accept you wanting me, too.”
“Really?”
“Really, Nerd.” he nods. He wants Izuku to kiss him and hug him during the day, in public, when they cuddle together at night. Katsuki longs for his touch, wanting to feel Izuku’s palms pressed against his own, fingers lacing between each other’s and slotting together how they always fitted perfectly. Katsuki wants all of the experiences that entailed a relationship. “As long as it’s you.”
Izuku just smiles, tugging Kacchan by the arm and reeling him in to a tender kiss after hearing that, and Katsuki returns it with passion, a nice change from the last few weeks of distance. He’ll learn, slowly, to embrace all of Izuku’s love.