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Ahn Daniel was hypnotic. From her long brown hair that seemed to perfectly flow in the wind to her milky legs that stole the attention of everyone and anyone. She was perfect in every way to Lee Byunghun. She was like a Goddess who came into her life to change everything Byunghun believed in.
For most of her life, Byunghun had only known to be pliant and gentle, avoiding the spotlight and staying to herself. Yet it somehow wasn’t enough. It always felt like something incredibly wrong had been lingering inside of her. Something shameful and unsettling. A thing that everyone had seen but her. She made herself as ordinary as possible, afraid to stand out. But despite her attempts she somehow caught the eye of a walking spotlight, Daniel.
She was mesmerizing, a beauty that was captured in only the most stunning artworks. Like her features were handcrafted and made to be perfect. Byunghun could only just watch with wide eyes as Daniel passed by with a glance, eyes scanning her as quickly as possible.
The mutters of passing students pulled Byunghun out of her trance, realizing she was gonna be late to her first class, she rushed away with the image of Ahn Daniel pushed into the back of her mind, still lingering despite her worries.
She reached her class, huffing as she slammed her head down onto the table. A soft groan escaped her mouth as she slowly let herself melt into the wood.
“What’s wrong now?” Chanhee asked without even looking at her, clearly used to her friend’s behavior
“She's so pretty.” Byunghun pathetically mumbled as she tried to forget the way Daniel had looked at her.
A loud sigh escaped her friend’s lips. “Her again? I thought you said you were getting over her.” Chanhee placed her phone down, crossing her arms on her chest. “Plus didn’t you tell me that there was a girl you were seeing.”
“She ghosted me…” Byunghun whispered, the urge to wail growing strong, she couldn’t tell her only friend about how she rejected the girl because she was still into Daniel.
“Hmmmm, shall we go to the club this weekend? We can find someone to get your mind off of her.” Chanhee was always a logical person, a voice of reason when Byunghun had been blinded by emotion and love. But a night spent watching her best friend make out with her boyfriend and listening to incomprehensible blaring music was the least fun thing she could handle right now. On the other hand, Byunghun had nothing else to do. She didn’t think she would even study with the mood she’s in.
So that’s how Byunghun ended up at a cramped booth beside her best friend who was sucking faces with her boyfriend, Choi Jonghyun. With a bitter glare, she looked around as she downed a shot.
“Yah, I’m gonna go buy more shots.” Byunghun yelled as she got up, not even sure if her friend could hear her over the music.
She weaved past the crowd of dancing people, trying her best to not crash into anyone. She plopped onto the bar chair with an exhale as she slouched over. Suddenly a pair of legs came into view, the milky complexion shining through the flashing lights of red, blue and green. Byunghun looked up and laid eyes on her. Her height forced the dress to be an uncomfortable short length, showing her thighs as she stood there. The dress had been hugging her features, leaving nothing to imagine. Despite the color being dark, she completely stood out in a room, gathering the attention as she leaned forward to order a drink. Her eyes wandered over to the left, locking onto Byunghun’s.
“Ah… Lee Byunghun right?” Daniel hesitantly asked, biting her lip in fear of being incorrect. She had a cute tilt as she looked at her.
“Yeah! How did you know my name…” Byunghun replied shocked. Nobody had ever noticed her. Definitely not someone like Daniel.
“I always notice the pretty people!” Giggled Daniel, leaning closer to Byunghun. Byunghun could smell the flowery scent that floated off of her. She couldn’t even come up with a coherent response to what Daniel had said. There was no way in any world that Daniel would ever find Byunghun pretty.
But as Byunghun looked at her face, the way she stared back with interest, the way her hand slowly crept closer. Something was telling Byunghun to trust her, to jump head first into this abyss.
Soon her brain was telling her to do something. To do something horrible, something she would never do. Like her hand had a mind of its own, Byunghun reached over caressing softly against Daniel’s cheek, something she had wanted to do a million times. She immediately pulled herself out of the drunken trance she was in. Shame and embarrassment filled her as she retracted her hand, only to be stopped with a soft touch.
“Do you notice me too?”
An incredibly stupid question, Byunghun thought, chuckling. Noticing Daniel getting closer.
“Do you think about me too?” Daniel whispered into her ear, her words having too much of an effect on Byunghun. Frozen as Daniel softly pressed a kiss to her cheek.
“Bye Byunghun!” She cheered as she walked away with drinks in her hands. But Byunghun couldn’t think about anything else but her cheek and body tingling with excitement.
That night Byunghun laid awake, recounting the way Daniel sounded as she whispered in her ear, the way she had looked at her. It didn’t help the growing feelings in her mind, but Byunghun knew it wouldn’t leave. And with a heavy heart, she closes her eyes and slowly drifts off to a dreamless slumber.
The next day, Byunghun watches with a pained heart, as Daniel doesn’t even spare a single glance over to her, like Byunghun wasn’t even someone she would acknowledge.
It was the start of a sick game that Daniel would play with Byunghun, tugging at her heartstrings as she felt herself falling deeper and deeper. At night she would find herself the center of her affection and attention. Light pecks on the cheek, gentle caresses soon turned to kisses on each other’s lips and secret touches, keeping themselves warm from the heat of each other’s skin. It was like heaven, the scent of Daniel’s expensive, beautifully crafted perfume, the taste of her current lip tint and the way she sounded whenever Byunghun held her closer, kissed her longer and explored her deeper. Byunghun especially loved the nights where she laid awake, studying the way her face looked as she slept. Her plump lips slightly parted, her gorgeous long eyelashes brushing against her cheek, the way her hair occasionally falls over her face, the scrunch of her nose when Byunghun brushes it away. It’s like seeing artwork, a sculpture come to life. The gentle bumping of their legs as she slowly caresses her leg onto the others, the way Daniel doesn’t wake even then. But in the daytime. It was like hell on earth. It was like being banished from that heaven and forced to bear witness to a cruel punishment. Watching Daniel parade around with a new lover, someone tall, masculine, huge and athletic. Someone who seems kind, gentle and caring. Someone Byunghun shouldn’t hold this hatred and anger towards. But she does, she holds it all in. Bitterly watching as Daniel leans into their touch, giggling and laughing before glancing at her. A cruel, mocking smile plastered on her face. Byunghun looks away, shoving that anger deeper inside.
———
It was a few weeks later. Byunghun had been cramming for a final in the library, her brain mush from studying for hours. She needed a break. But she knew she couldn’t afford to fail. However her brain finds herself hearing a familiar voice. A voice that made her stomach drop, she was unsure if it was good or bad. She couldn’t stay still and immediately began rapidly packing her bag before pushing past Daniel and her little group, eyes glued to the ground as she rushed out. She felt her breath quicken as the familiar voice called out her name, her pace never faltering as she continued walking back to her dorm.
However before she could fully make it inside her building, a hand grabbed her causing Byunghun to yelp. She spun around to face Daniel, holding her breath as the other stared at her.
“Why are you avoiding me?” Daniel asked, a hint of disappointment in her tone. Byunghun simply pulled herself out of the grasp and began walking away. However something was stopping her, maybe it was the way Daniel’s disappointed voice rang in her ears or how her brain replayed the sight of her sadden expression. For some reason, Byunghun stopped, not far from Daniel.
“Do you like me? Be honest.” Byunghun bitterly replied, eyes fixed on the ground as she waited for an answer she already knew.
The silence lingered for far too long than either of them would like to admit, Daniel unable to answer something that Byunghun already knew.
She didn’t. She couldn’t like her.
She may have found Byunghun pretty, cute, and endearing. But she was incapable of loving the way Byunghun had wanted. She wished she could but deep down feared life if she did.
Her hand gently reached for Byunghun’s, as if the touch was an apology for the feelings Daniel couldn’t reciprocate.
The slightest touch from her was able to break everything in Byunghun. She felt her mind lose control, lose everything she worked on as she had spent the last weeks avoiding her. She felt herself become more desperate for anything from Daniel.
Byunghun turned around, hesitantly looking into her eyes before down to her lips. Her hands wrapped around the other’s waist as she leaned in and pressed her lips against hers.
Soon the two were in Byunghun’s room, bags discarded near the entrance as they blindly made their way to her bed, bodies never leaving the other’s. The lipgloss Daniel wore had a hint of cherry and it made Byunghun feel dizzy, intoxicated on her. Her hands slid lower as they deepened the kiss, roughly pulling her closer.
Byunghun feels her hands snake up around her neck, hand resting in her hair. She pulls away, pressing her forehead against Daniel’s, soaking in the warmth of the other. Daniel let out a tiny giggle before pressing a soft kiss against her lips, bringing Byunghun closer as she closed her eyes.
“Let’s stay like this forever.” She mumbled, her breath tickling Byunghun’s neck. She stared at Daniel slowly falling asleep as she fought back the words crawling out of her throat. ‘But you don’t want this forever.’
“Sure. Forever.” Byunghun simply replied, tightening her grip around the other’s waist. It felt comfortable, almost like home, a warmth Byunghun would never find in another. The gentle rhythm of Daniel’s breathing should’ve soothed her, should’ve brought her comfort. However, her mind began to spiral when the bliss of breathing in Daniel’s scent started to clear from her brain and the taste of her lip gloss faded from her tongue. She stared at the darkness, motionless like she was dead, waiting and praying for Daniel to fall asleep.
Byunghun gently pulled her limbs out from under Daniel, stumbling out of bed and nearly crashing onto the floor. Cursing silently when the other slightly groaned and turned, she held her breath until she settled down. She eventually made her way outside the room before realizing they were at her dorm. Byunghun chuckled a bit, she was stupid for letting her back in, for falling back into her arms. It was always the same old games with Daniel. She holds Byunghun close, whispers fantasies of them together, and when they meet again, she pretends to not remember her. Her lips curling up when Byunghun flushes red in embarrassment, falling for her old tricks again.
But she can’t stop herself from believing this time will be different, thinking that this time Daniel will truly mean it. She grimaced as she gently reentered her dorm, retrieving her wallet, keys and sneaking one last glance to Daniel’s near motionless body, just the slightest rise and fall of her chest. She made the empty, numbing yet peaceful trek to the nearest convenience store. They overcharged a lot for the simplest things but it was the best Byunghun was gonna do at fucking three in the morning. She spends over twenty dollars on a pack of cigarettes and a lighter, plops onto the bench at her favourite park and takes in the air. Savouring the graceful way the air travels through her lungs before she decides to harm them a bit.
“Are you planning to smoke those?” A familiar voice questions, ripping Byunghun out of her peace. She scowled out of instinct but her face dropped when realizing who it was. Daniel. She had a bitter look in her eyes. “You weren’t there when I woke up.. I thought you would come here.” She continued with a slight smile, taking a seat besides her.
A harsh response fell from Byunghun’s lips before she could stop herself. “Why?”
“Why what?” Daniel replied, tilting her head in confusion.
Byunghun felt her chest tighten a bit, the sad expression Daniel wore still hurt her a bit, even when she was upset. “Why did you think I would come here?”
A beat passes, Daniel isn’t looking into her eyes. “I really like you Byunghun. I do. They just don’t know.” Her voice is weak, quiet and nearly muffled by the rustling of the trees.
“Don’t know what?” Byunghun asks but regrets. She knows what. She knows exactly what Daniel is keeping from her friends, her perfect golden christian family, the future she wants.
Daniel bitterly laughs. “I’m sorry, I really am. I wish I could tell them.” She mutters, tears filling her eyes as she stares at her hands.
Byunghun presses her lips into a tight line. The silence is suffocating, painful. “You still never answered me.” She whispers.
Daniel makes a noise of acknowledgment, not looking up, but still making it known she’s listening.
“How did you know I was going to be here?” It feels nearly painful to get the words out. Byunghun isn’t even sure why, but it feels venomous, accusing, forcing Daniel to admit something she isn’t ready to.
“Because—“ Daniel swallows, the tears flowing more and more. The guilt in Byunghun seems to just grow with the more time she takes to continue. “Because I love you. I always notice you, I wish I could pretend it’s just lust, just confused feelings, just a mistake. But I can’t. I watch you and always see you go to this park. It isn’t even the prettiest one around our school, not the closest either, yet you always choose it. You know how to pick them right?” Daniel rambled, smiling through tears. “I always liked that about you. You’re truly something else.”
“You can’t do this Daniel.”
Her face drops a bit, Byunghun fights the urge to wipe away her tears.
“I know. I’m sorry”
Daniel gently leans in, presses a soft and slow kiss to Byunghun’s lips. An entirely different type of kiss than she’s used to, a nearly sentimental kiss. And as Daniel pulls away, smiling sadly, Byunghun realizes it's a goodbye kiss.
The next day, Byunghun walks into the cafeteria, head pounding from a night full of tears staining her pillow, streams of text sent to Chanhee in agony.
She prays to every being that can hear her, that she doesn’t see her ever again. That Daniel would disappear off the face of the earth for good. She swallowed down the painful thought of if she never met her, never met the woman of her dreams. The one who ever made Byunghun feel such extreme emotions.
And when she sees Daniel, in her graceful way of being, show off her hand to her friends. She nearly spilled the contents she had just consumed back out. Tears welled into her eyes as she raced to the restroom, wishing that the world had just never let them meet. Never let Byunghun know such pain. Letting out a string of pathetic sobs as she heaved with her might, the sickness never leaving.
Byunghun groaned as she eventually stood up, knees weak as she made her way to the sink, dazedly washing her hands, refusing to look at the mirror. Her eyes were probably puffy, saliva slightly covered her chin and she probably looked like she just got dragged through hell.
And as she exits the restroom, making her way through the bustling cafeteria, not caring who she bumps into. She sees Daniel look wistfully at the cherry blossom trees, unaware they even had bloomed already.
And Byunghun could faintly taste her cherry lip tint, just like their last kiss was just moments ago. She slipped past the crowd, stopping to savour one more look at Daniel. Memorizing her long, slender legs, full beautiful lips, just every detail of her, Byunghun walked out of the building and out of Daniel’s life.