Chapter Text
Sighing heavily, Suki stared at the laptop screen. Once again the screen was dimming, threatening to send the device in to standby mode. It was taunting her; trying to force her take some action that would move her on from the website’s homepage. The cursor was hovering as usual over the menu – just as it had done every time she’d visited this page over the last few days.
It had all started with a news report. An older gentleman standing proudly with his family at a graduation ceremony – her eyes had been drawn to the sight of the man in his cap and gown and clutching a newly awarded degree in his hands. She’d not been able to stop thinking about it in the days since – but as time had passed she’d found that she was picturing herself in the man’s place with her own family surrounding her. It was a tantalising thought – to have finally achieved a dream she had long since given up on.
As a young woman she’d wanted to go on to university and further her studies. She’d indulged in conversations with her friends about the fun they were going to have, and the futures that would lie in wait. She’d imagined herself alongside them; how she would work to find out who she really was without the constraints that were often forced upon her. Of course, she had known deep down that it would never come to pass. She knew that, unlike her friends, her destiny involved a husband and children sooner rather than later. The only degree that she was realistically supposed to get was her M.R.S.
Once she had found herself wed to Nishandeep, she had hoped that he may support her in developing herself. After all, he had visions of running a successful business empire and what better way of supporting that dream than ensuring that his wife had a degree that they could put to good use. She could’ve made them more reputable even though he never would’ve allowed her to have the starring role. But she could’ve taken a quiet pride in knowing just how vital her contributions were. But he had scoffed when she’d brought it up; an infuriating smirk on his face. What did she need a degree for when she would be raising his children.
And he’d ensured that the first child followed quickly after the wedding. She’d been young and unsure of herself when her precious firstborn had been placed in her arms; this tiny being entirely dependent on her. When he cried in the early hours of the morning, she’d find herself shedding tears alongside him. Suddenly struck by the realisation that unlike her friends who were off developing in to their adult identities, she was losing her own - no longer was she her own person instead she was now mum and wife.
And so the years had passed bringing with them her three further children and a life of running the businesses in her husband’s absence – not that he valued everything that she had done. He saw everything that she had built up as his own. And she had sacrificed so much to ensure their success. If it came down to grading her for her M.R.S she would barely scrape a pass. She’d not been the mother that she wanted to be; the one she had promised her son that she would be in those long dark hours when he had refused to sleep. But what choice did she have when she needed to keep food in their bellies and the roof over their heads? She had her physical freedom from that man’s presence but he still kept her shackled to that life; reducing the parts that made her an individual to nothingness.
But things were different now. He was no longer the puppeteer of her life. Oh he tried to pull the strings still, perhaps even thought he was doing so successfully but he didn’t hold that power now. She was allowing those long buried parts of herself to bloom and grow. She could see how they’d tried before; little shoots trying to seek the sun and how they’d suffocated each time. But she wouldn’t allow that to happen again – not when she had Eve by her side.
Eve would tell her to click the button. She’d encourage her to look at the list of courses that were offered, and she’d offer her own suggestions about what she could study. She had no doubt that Eve would come up with things that Suki had never even considered an option and yet they’d likely be something that would capture her attention. It was strange after all this time to have someone who knew her so intimately; who could see even the things that she tried so desperately to keep hidden. Oh there were secrets she still had to keep – for Eve’s protection – but never did she imagine that someone would see through the façade that she had so carefully constructed. Eve didn’t see her walls as insurmountable but instead helped her to lower them; to make them scalable. She met her where she was and didn’t shy away from the darkness that still threatened to consume her. It scared her to have someone who could do that; to try and make herself worthy of a person such as that.
But she couldn’t let Eve know about this. It felt like too much to say the words; to put another of her hopes out in to the world when she’d already been gifted so much. And what would everyone think of her doing this – would they question her decision? Would they wonder if she was undergoing a mid-life crisis and in raising that question would they then wonder if her relationship with Eve was just another symptom of that crisis? Would the gossiping gaze of their neighbours make Eve worry that what they said was true? She would hate for something to make Eve question her commitment yet again. She’d already put her through so much with the long months of secret meetings and stolen kisses – a love that they’d feared would never be allowed to flourish in the open. Why would she rock that boat again when they finally seemed to be on sturdier ground.
But she keeps returning to the website. Every time she’s been alone she’s found herself navigating to the same page. If she closes her eyes and she can picture the page exactly. Each and every detail rendered perfectly because she has spent so much time staring at it.
She would be a good student. She would relish the opportunity to expand her horizons and to learn something new. While she was never well integrated in to the circle of mums at the children’s school, she’d always overheard the moans about homework and tried to nod along – but when she’d had the opportunity she’d always enjoyed helping the children with their various tasks. When they’d entered the later years of their education, she’d found herself studying their textbooks, using them as her night-time reading. When Ashneet had started her training it had bought a whole world of new subjects in to her life and she’d learnt alongside her daughter. She’d felt her heart soar as she’d felt her knowledge growing. But then it would sink at the reality that it would never go any further for her.
She should just close the website.
“What are you looking at love?” Eve’s voice startles her. She hadn’t heard her approach, nor had she felt the familiar increase in her heart rate when the woman she loved was nearby. But here she was, settling herself down next to her and looking at the laptop screen.
“Nothing,” She goes to move the cursor to close the page before Eve can take much more of it in, but she is stilled by the feel of a hand coming to rest over her own. Fingers entwining with hers with a gentle squeeze, “It’s … stupid,”
“Walford University?” Eve’s voice is raised in a question, “I didn’t know Nugget, or Avani, were thinking about university already,” Of course that would be the logical conclusion, that Suki would be looking on behalf of her beloved grandchildren, but it hurts a little that Eve had made that assumption. It’s a feeling that surprises Suki for a moment because why wouldn’t Eve think that when she has never given any indication that she’d want to study.
Taking a deep breath to try and centre herself before responding, Suki turns to look at Eve but what she finds is her partner’s gaze switching between the screen and Suki herself, a quizzical expression on her face, “But … why would you say it stupid?” Eve’s voice is softer as she says that, and Suki can see the way her mind is puzzling out the statement as though it had taken a moment for those words to truly resonate with her but now that they had, that beautiful mind was working hard, “You talk like that when …. Do you want to go to university?” Suki could see the moment that the realisation dawned on Eve. The downward tip of her lips as she twigged that Suki tended to use negatives when speaking about herself and her wants, before that curiosity sparked in her at the idea of Suki doing something like that for herself.
“I know it’s stupid – going to university at my age,” Suki lowered her eyes, not wanting to see the expression on her love’s face. She shouldn’t have kept looking at the website. But then there’s a hand coming to rest under her chin and her face is being tipped up.
“I didn’t realise you wanted to study,” There’s so much excitement in Eve’s tone, and the smile of her face is almost enough to give Suki hope about this whole stupid idea, “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“It was just a thought Eve,”
“It doesn’t have to be though …” Eve was smiling, “You once told me you could’ve been a doctor with the amount of Ash’s textbooks you read maybe it’s time you had textbooks of your own,”
“You remember that?” Suki couldn’t help the way her eyes filled at the idea that Eve remembered such a small thing she’d said so many years before. It was ridiculous to get emotional about something like that, and yet it was one more sign of just how much Eve cared about her, about her much she mattered to her.
“Of course I remember,” Eve bit her lip for a second, almost embarrassed before she shifted, “Dr Suki Panesar has a ring to it?”
“or maybe Dr Suki Panesar-Unwin?” at that Eve appeared to swallow hard and Suki smiled, “I think I am a bit too old to study medicine … and I’m not sure that’s what I’d want to study,”
“You can aim for a PhD though,” There is something so joyful in the way that Eve says those words, “But I’ll be proud regardless … Suki, if this is something you want to do then you should do it,”
“What if I fail?” Her voice sounds small as she says it and she hates that it does that. She has made herself small so many times before because of him and it hurts that it still happens now. But Eve is looking at her as though she’ll love her no matter what. It still catches Suki to realise that she is with someone who loves her without conditions.
“What if you don’t?” Eve answers with such conviction that Suki is certain she conceives of no scenario where Suki doesn’t succeed, and that is just like Eve. While Suki is certain that she would doubt her own capabilities despite having a law degree, she would have no such concerns about Suki.
“What if we did it together?” The idea takes root and is out of her mouth almost before Suki can stop it. She's seen the way that Eve had deflated when speaking to Ayesha about her work; heard the way Eve cast aspersions on herself because of how her life had turned out. But just because she could no longer practice law, it didn’t mean that there wasn’t more that she could do, and now that Suki has thought of it the mental image shifts in her mind to the two of them graduating together – their proud family surrounding them; the familial support there for Eve that she didn’t have the first time around.
“This is your time,” And again Eve has deflated and Suki frowns at the sight, “I’m just … I just work on the bap van,”
“And there’s nothing wrong with that but I know you Eve, I know you want more than that,” Suki tilts her head slightly, “You want this for me but I want you to do this for you too … unless your worried that I’ll get better grades,” Suki’s eyes sparkle with mischief as she says the words and she watches as the smile finds its place on Eve’s lips though she tries to fight against it.
“Your serious aren’t you?” Turning back to the laptop, Suki returns her fingers to the mousepad and clicks the button to load the courses that are on offer. Shifting her position ever so slightly, so that they can both share the laptop, she looks over at her partner once more.
“So see anything you fancy?” As Eve’s expression shifts, Suki let out a laugh, “I meant the courses,” but her words are swallowed by Eve moving forward and placing a kiss on her lips, and as she returns the kiss Suki supposes that they can continue looking later … because she is going to do this; they are going to do this because like everything else ahead of them, for however many years they have, they are going to do this together, and maybe one day they'll be a news report about the two of them sharing their graduation. Suki smiles in to the kiss as she considers the prospect, managing to slide the laptop on to the safety of the coffee table before losing herself in Eve, and the promise of their shared future.