Archive of Our Own

Every Thursday, from ten PM to midnight, Sungho and Taesan are in Taesan's cramped little studio on the sixth floor of the HYBE building. Everyone knows this — the members, the producers, the managers, everyone who needs to know — and since they've labeled the meetings as work, nobody can tell them to stop. They all think that they're here every week to write lyrics.

This stays between us, but they don't actually do that — write lyrics — or do any work at all, for that matter. It started one day when Sungho mentioned how he'd like to be a songwriter, and Taesan offered to teach him the basics, and Sungho thought, Well, okay. Here's an opportunity. Then they both went and made a big deal out of it to the members, so everyone knew not to bother them while they were gone, but once they actually sat down in the studio they decided to watch a movie on Taesan's computer instead. Nowadays, the only times they actually work is when they really, really have to, like when the producers are on their asses and they have a strict deadline.

Taesan's studio is an escape for Sungho, a place where he can sit and relax and forget about all his worries. Taesan is always all ears if he wants to vent and if he just wants to sit there silently and watch as Taesan works on his own songs, that's fine too. God knows he never gets this sort of quiet with Jaehyun and Leehan as roommates. 

Anyway, that's how the studio usually is — quiet and peaceful and whatever. But not always. Not today, for example. 

From the moment he entered the studio things were awkward, when Taesan half-assed some greetings without looking up from his computer, and that made Sungho feel so shitty that he almost turned right around and left. Taesan has been acting distant for a few days now. What happened wasn't a big deal — there was an awkward moment when they were filming, but these things happen, right? — and yet Taesan hasn't been the same with him ever since. 

Normally, that wouldn't be such a problem. It's very frustrating, yes, it's been a very long, very hard day, and Sungho was hoping that he could talk to Taesan all about it. He'd sit on his chair and Taesan would make coffee or pour him a glass of soda, and Sungho would lie his head on the desk and close his eyes and tell him all about the mean vocal coach or how Jaehyun hogged the bathroom after dance practice or how much he misses eating pancakes since they put him on a new diet or how all day, he's been looking forward to coming here and talking to Taesan, because they haven't really talked since that day and he missed him. 

But alright, fine. Sometimes Taesan isn't in the mood to play therapist. That's okay — just being here with him is nice. Normally, Sungho could sit on the couch and catch up on his drama or take a nap and that would be therapeutic in itself. 

But today he can't do any of that — today they actually have a song to work on. 

He sits in his usual chair and Taesan finally closes whatever he was doing on the computer, turns to him and asks, “Ready to work?” 

Sungho smiles, relieved that Taesan is finally using words around him, and manages to let out a very casual, very nonchalant, “Sure.” 

Writing lyrics doesn't go as well this time as it usually does. Sungho keeps blanking out and Taesan never gets the words to fit the beat and they both get frustrated and annoyed. And then it's like he blinks and here they are all of a sudden, arguing over some stupid reason, and Sungho can't even remember how the fight started. He just knows that Taesan has an ugly look on his face and he's saying stuff like, “Will you listen to me just once, for fuck's sake?” 

And Sungho can take a lot, but today he's reached his limit. 

“Shut the fuck up already!” He ends up yelling, and all of a sudden it gets very quiet and very still. That's good. He just needs some silence, that's all — maybe he was a bit rude but he meant it. He really needs to stop fighting, to take a minute and just breathe. 

When he finally looks at Taesan, he realizes how much he screwed up. 

Taesan hates yelling, and nothing will ever justify it — especially not a stupid, petty fight like this one. Poor Taesanie looks hurt and upset and… almost scared, and it breaks Sungho's heart. 

He opens his mouth, apologies ready to spill off his tongue, but Taesan acts before he can say a thing. He stands up so fast that his chair falls down, but he doesn't even look at it as he grabs his bag and leaves out the door, closing it silently behind him. 

Just like that. 

And now Sungho is all alone. Which, okay — he gets that they were fighting, maybe Taesan needs some space, whatever. But they still have a song to work on, and now Sungho has to do it all by himself because they can't just turn up to Zico tomorrow with nothing to show. Even though he was the one who yelled, Taesan one-upped him on the jerkness scale. 

Fucking Taesan, he thinks bitterly as he grabs a pen and lays down the shittiest lyrics he ever wrote in his entire career. He can be such an asshole, the way he looks at you sometimes like he knows better and everything should always go his way and sure, let's forget who's older in the meantime, that's cool! 

Usually when they have a fight like this — and not just with Taesan, but with anyone in the group — Sungho apologizes first. He feels it's the mature thing to do, even though sometimes he's still holding a grudge, because what matters most is that they all stay friends. But he's made up his mind. They think they can do whatever they want, that he's their good ol’ Sungho, soft and reliable and responsible, that he forgives easily and moves on, but no more. This time he won't apologize first. He'll leave it up to Taesan — and if they end up never speaking again, he's ready to face that. 

On the way home he keeps replaying all the times that Taesan's been an asshole in his mind, his way of convincing himself that he needs to stay mad at Taesan for a long, long time. 

The problem is that Taesan is a pretty decent person — yeah, sometimes he's a little mean, but it's always justified. Like when he showered first, last Monday, and used up all the hot water so that both Riwoo and Woonhak had to shower downstairs. That kind of sucked, but then again Taesan had gone through two separate dance practices that day and he hadn't gotten to shower at all. Or when he forgot to text anyone that he'd be late for a group meeting, and they all waited for him for hours, but that's because he lost his phone in a car and he had to talk to all the drivers they'd had that day to see if they knew where it was. 

And of course, there's The Incident from three days ago. 

They were filming a variety show, and one of the segments was to reenact some famous dramas. Woonhak and Riwoo got it easy, they just had to pretend to be childhood best friends and the whole scene was of them reminiscing about the mischief they caused when they were kids. Leehan and Jaehyun's drama was cool too — they had to act like they were orphaned brothers, and Leehan was working hard to put bread on the table. 

Meanwhile, what did Sungho and Taesan get? A fucking romcom. And their scene involved kissing. 

Obviously, they weren't going to actually kiss on TV — not lips-on-lips anyway, they don't have a deathwish. The producers changed the scene from a full-on snogging session to a small, innocent peck on the cheek. No big deal, right? Sungho had no problem with that at all — I mean, yes, he was extra jittery, but that's because he hadn't acted that much before and he wanted to do a good job. He kept trying to calm his nerves, but usually what calms him best is talking to Taesan, and this time talking to Taesan was a no-go. Because Taesan looked absolutely horrified. 

Well, they did the scene alright. It came out pretty nicely in just about six takes, which isn't perfect but still, not that bad either. The main thing was to get both of them less stiff and hesitant, and especially at the kissing part. For the first takes, something would always happen to screw things up: Sungho would kiss him just after the cue, or Taesan would turn his head at the last moment (he kept insisting that was a reflex), or something small and stupid like that. 

By the last take, Sungho had had it, so he grabbed Taesan's face and just kissed him. The grabbing part wasn't scripted, but everyone absolutely loved it, so it stayed in — and the kiss itself wasn't even much, just a small pressing on the cheek. Sungho barely felt it anyway, and they do stuff like this all the time. Maybe not exactly kisses and maybe not him and Taesan, but skinship isn't such a foreign concept to them, right? 

Anyway, Taesan totally freaked out. He didn't do much to show it — they were still filming, and after this they had to perform their latest title track — but to Sungho, it was obvious. In the moment he just kind of yelped (thankfully the cameras didn't get that, otherwise there probably would've been need of a 7th take) and afterwards Taesan stared at Sungho with this kind of look, and he just knew. 

Sungho immediately regretted everything, but it's not like he had a choice either. Besides, Taesan was acting like he kissed him because he actually wanted to, not because there were about ten cameras on them and two producers telling them what to do. 

After that, Taesan avoided him the whole day. Even though it gave Sungho a heavy feeling, he thought he should just ignore it and hope that Taesan would feel better the next day. Well, as we all know, that didn't happen, and it still makes Sungho feel shitty to this day. 

Now he's left with all these mixed feelings and no idea what to do about it. 

When he gets home, he takes off his shoes and drops his bag loudly in the hallway, not even bothering to pick it up. He shuffles his feet through the living room, his ultimate target being his bedroom where he can drop dead for the next four to six hours before he has to get up and go through a whole new day. 

“Tired?” Comes the bodiless voice of Jaehyun, but Sungho won't bother lifting his head to actually face him. 

“Yep.”

“Where were you for so long?” 

That's Riwoo's voice, which shouldn't be here — though they all technically live together, this right here is not Riwoo's home. A special kind of dread creeps up Sungho's spine, figuring that Riwoo probably didn't come alone. And sure enough, when he looks up, there he is.

Taesan, in his living room. A gaming console in one hand, a blank look on his face.

Sungho gulps silently, looking away from Taesan to Riwoo, who's clearly expecting an answer. 

“Just… work.” 

He looks again at Taesan. This would be his chance to make up. He'd say, Taesanie, can I have a word with you? And then Taesan would follow him into his room and they'd talk for, like, ten minutes, and they'd both apologize and things would still be awkward tomorrow, but they'd be less awkward the day after tomorrow and less awkward the day after that, and by next Thursday's hangout session they'd be just fine. 

But he remembers the lonely studio and the terrible lyrics he wrote because Taesan wasn't there to help out and he gets mad all over again. Taesan is still looking at him, still with that cautiously expressionless face, but Sungho knows him well enough. Just the fact that he hasn't started another game yet shows that he's waiting for something. 

Well, he can keep waiting all he wants. With a huff, Sungho straightens his back and stalks off to his and Jaehyun’s room. The bed is comfortable and he's tired and once he lays down, sweaty from the day, in the same clothes and still with makeup on his face, he falls asleep immediately. 

Next Thursday, Sungho doesn't go to Taesan's studio. He doesn't tell Taesan beforehand, but Taesan probably figured anyway, and he's probably glad they're not going to meet up. Things haven't been so great this week. 

Obviously, what with their job, they can't just plain out hate on each other, but they're not exactly besties either. They just avoid talking or touching or even looking at each other, as much as they can. Things are still weird and nobody has said a word about their fight, so obviously there weren't any much-needed apologies. It feels like they've reached a dead end in their friendship, or like there's a huge wall in front of them and the only way they'll get past it would be to help each other climb it. But Sungho is too exhausted to even try. 

Besides the mental stress of living with someone you know doesn't like you, things aren't that great for him physically either. He has trouble falling asleep, and with all their comeback preparations that's a huge problem because he's already not getting a fair amount of sleep. The thing is that everytime he closes his eyes, he gets a flashback of Taesan, of how sad he looked when Sungho screamed at him. Everytime he remembers that moment it makes him feel mean and dirty and all kinds of wrong. 

Of course, screaming at anyone isn't ever good, but with Taesan it's even worse. It must’ve hurt him really badly, having Sungho do that, which he knows because he's the only person Taesan ever really shares anything with. And so, he's the only one who knows just why he hates screaming that much. 

Here's the thing: back when they were trainees, there was this terrible dance assistant who used to scream at them. His name was Kyungsoo, and he had a huge case of power madness when he wasn't even that powerful, anyway. He was just a notch above the trainees and he really loved to show it off whenever the real dance teachers were gone. To Sungho, it didn't matter that much — yeah, it was frustrating whenever he yelled, but more in a mosquito-that-won't-leave-you-alone kind of way. But it really took its toll on Taesan. 

Since they weren't that close when they were trainees, Sungho only heard of this after they debuted. He still remembers that night clearly. They were in the upstairs living room; Taesan was busy making himself a new necklace and Sungho was trying to draw a portrait of him. They'd been quiet for a while, until Taesan asked: “Do you ever think about Kyungsoo?” 

“Can't say that I do,” Sungho answered honestly. 

“Well, I do. Now that we're actually idols.” Taesan let out a short sigh. “I wonder what he'd say if he saw us now.” 

“He'd probably congratulate us or something.” 

“Yeah, but he would be saying it just to be polite. I don't think he'd actually mean it.” 

“Well,” Sungho mumbled, “I guess not.” 

It was after a few minutes of quiet that Taesan finally whispered, “God, I hated it when he yelled.” 

Somehow, that was the first time Sungho realized that this might be more serious than chitchat. He glanced at Taesan, but his back was turned, so he couldn't see his face. 

Clearing his throat, he asked: “Yeah?” 

“Yeah.” Taesan took a deep breath, then said casually, “It always made me cry.” 

“... Oh.” 

Sungho tried to imagine that — Taesan crying. At that time he'd never seen him cry, never even saw him tear up or anything. It felt wrong just to think about it. 

“I don't like it when people raise their voices,” Taesan continued, still in that whatever-tone. Then he looked quickly at Sungho, caught him staring, and he was probably flustered because he turned just as quickly back to the necklace. “Don't tell anyone, though. Especially Jaehyun and Woonhak — they might take it personally.”

Sungho laughed, a short little ha-ha that had no meaning to it. “Okay, I won't tell them.” Then he looked at his painting, picked up his brush and added a quieter, “I'll never yell at you, Taesan.” 

Taesan just kept on making his necklace like he didn't even hear him. But Sungho knows he heard him and that he remembers the promise — he couldn't have forgotten it, it meant too much to both of them; and last week he broke it. Maybe that's why he can't go to the studio tonight — not because he's mad about the fight or anything like that, but because he's so fucking ashamed. 

They dubbed him the Strong, Reliable Hyung who knows how to take care of them, who never complains and always, always protects them. And now he turned around and broke the most important promise he's made in his life, that to not hurt Taesanie, and it's like he didn't fulfill his role or worse — like he became the very thing he was trying to save him from. It sounds very dramatic, but this is really how he feels. 

So, yeah, now he can't spend his Thursday night with Taesan. He can't face him anymore, and he can't imagine when he will ever be able to again. But it's still pretty early, and he'll be damned if he stays up wallowing for yet another night. 

There's noise coming from the living room and he decides to go investigate. The culprits are the two youngest — Woonhak is watching something on his phone, earbuds in and everything, and Leehan is very obnoxiously peering into his phone too, almost sitting completely on Woonhak's back to see it well. 

“Whatcha doing?” Sungho asks, sitting on the floor in front of them. 

“Well, I'm trying to watch my drama,” Woonhak says, elbowing Leehan in the ribs when he gets even closer. 

Leehan scoffs, leaning back a bit. “I'm hurt! So I'm not interesting anymore?” 

“Sure you're interesting, but not as interesting as finding out if Yeji will realize that Minjae never cheated on her.” 

Leehan rolls his eyes, turning to Sungho. “I called him to hang out with me and this is what he does.”

Sungho laughs. “I… I can hang out with you, if you want.”

“You can?” 

“Sure.”

Even Woonhak looks up from his phone, a puzzled look on his face. “Don't you have work with Taesan hyung?”

“I think I'm going to skip it today,” Sungho says, giving them a leisurely smile. 

“You're skipping it?” Leehan presses. 

“Yeah.”

“Why?” 

“What do you mean, why?” 

“Like, are you sick or something?” Woonhak asks, actually closing his phone and taking out his earbuds. 

“No,” Sungho says, honestly confused why this is such a big deal. “I just don't feel like going.”

Leehan and Woonhak share a look, both with the same baffled expressions, and then Leehan reaches over and presses a hand to Sungho's forehead. Sungho smacks his hand away, glaring at him. 

“Dude, I just said I'm fine!” 

“But you never skip work with Taesan!” Leehan says. “Even when we were in Japan, you kicked me out of our room so you could be alone.” 

“Yeah, well,” Sungho mumbles vaguely. 

“Does he know that you're not going?” Woonhak asks. “Because he still hasn't come home, and usually by this time he's there expecting you.”

Sungho pulls on the carpet, his mind clouding for a moment with the image of Taesan, waiting all by himself in the lonely studio. He can see him looking at the clock, sighing to himself, busying himself with something on the computer, checking the time again… and it makes him feel terrible. But it's too late now. 

“He'll figure it out,” he ends up saying, 

Leehan and Woonhak share yet another look, before Woonhak shrugs and opens his phone again. “Want to watch my drama?” 

“But I don't know anything about it,” Sungho says, nonetheless moving closer to him. 

“I'll explain the important parts.” 

“Is it super cheesy? You know I don't like things like that.” 

“It's pretty interesting actually,” Leehan says. 

“How would you know? You never even heard the dialogues,” Woonhak points out. 

Leehan shrugs, propping his chin on Woonhak's shoulder. “I don't have to.” 

Woonhak raises an eyebrow at him, but doesn't say anything and just holds the phone far enough so they can all see the screen. Sungho snuggles closer to him too, leaning a bit into his shoulder. 

If you'll ask him about the drama, he won't be able to tell you a thing. The whole time he just keeps thinking about Taesan, who's probably still waiting for him and who definitely doesn't deserve to be stood up like this, and how maybe they're both at fault for the initial fight, but this time it’s all on Sungho. 

Things change after that. Somehow, in the span of one night, they go from not even looking at each other to be constantly, constantly fighting. Lately they argue over every last stupid thing, like whose turn it was to buy new dish sponges or how the TV volume should be at 15 or 20 but not 18, because 18 isn't a pretty number. 

It gets so bad that even Leehan snaps and tells them to shut it already, or he'll lock them out of the apartment, after Sungho and Taesan spent ten straight minutes at the front door but never actually stepping in because Taesan kept insisting Sungho's shoes are too dirty to take into the house. 

So it's basically inevitable that a group talk happens. To be honest, Sungho is surprised Jaehyun didn't orchestrate this way sooner — the spat between the two of them has been happening for almost three weeks, which is pretty much forever. 

The heart to heart happens in the downstairs living room. Jaehyun brings out snacks and Riwoo makes them all tea, so you just know they're in cahoots with each other. After they all settle down, Jaehyun, Responsible Leader, takes the word: 

“I know some of you are probably confused, so I'll explain. I actually didn't call you here just to hang out. I wanted us to have a more serious kind of talk — so if you're mad at someone or you're feeling guilty or anything like that, this is your chance to let it out.” 

“Woah. I'm sure that this'll help us bond, right?” Riwoo says solemnly, like he's reading off a script. 

“Yes! That's my point, I want us to have a judgment-free night, so we can discuss things with a clear head. Maybe the others can help with whatever problems there are, like give out an objective opinion or something. Then we'll start fresh tomorrow and maybe we'll all be in better spirits by the time we're having the comeback.” He gives them all a big, almost fatherly smile, and asks: “So does anyone have anything they'd like to share?” 

There's a minute of uncomfortable silence as Jaehyun looks at all of them one by one, with extra seconds of intense staring focused on Sungho and Taesan, before Woonhak finally speaks up. 

“I… I have something I'd like to say.” 

Jaehyun blinks towards him, clearly not expecting the kid to talk first, but he nods at him softly to go on. 

Woonhak looks down and starts, in the smallest voice Sungho's ever heard come out of him, to explain what he did. 

“This was a few weeks ago. Remember when Riwoo hyung had those fancy donuts shipped from Tokyo? The ones with all those flavors?” 

“What about them?” 

“... I ate them.” 

As soon as the words leave his mouth, his whole face seems to shift and — Sungho almost can't believe it, but it's real — he actually tears up. There are little tears in their maknae's eyes over something as small as eating some goddamn donuts. Honestly, Sungho would just buy him all the donuts in the world — there's no need to get upset over something like this.  

“Um — that's it?” Leehan asks, voicing the question that everyone has. 

Woonhak's head snaps towards him. He wipes his eyes with his sleeve and says, fiery, “You don't understand! Riwoo hyung got into a huge fight with Jaehyunie over this but it wasn't his fault.” He turns towards Jaehyun and his eyes fill with tears again. “Hyung, I'm so sorry, I wanted to say something but Riwoo hyung looked so mad and I got scared and I've been carrying this guilt ever since and I'm just — I'm really, really sorry, I swear I didn't mean to —”

“Woonhak, come on, it's okay,” Jaehyun says, giving him a small smile. 

Woonhak stops rambling and lets out a pathetic little sniffle. “It is?” 

Jaehyun grins, pulling him into a hug so tight that Woonhak's face gets red like a peach. “Of course it is. Riwoo-yah, you'll forgive him too, right?” 

Riwoo looks away grimly. “Those were really expensive donuts…” 

“Riwoo!” Sungho tsk's, shaking his head. 

“I mean, the shipping alone —”

“He's going to cry again,” Taesan pipes up, gesturing towards Woonhak (whose eyes really are suspiciously shiny). 

Riwoo smiles. “I forgive you, Woonhakie.”

“See?” Jaehyun asks, rocking Woonhak like a baby. “So there's no need to be sad.” 

“I really didn't know they were his,” Woonhak whispers sadly, the remains of his guilt still weighing on him. “And I was feeling so down those days because my mom's birthday was coming up and I couldn't go home, I thought they were like a feel-better gift or something.” 

“Did they have your name on it?” Taesan asks rhetorically, clearly not meaning much by it, but Woonhak shakes his head sadly. 

“Alright, stop teasing him,” Sungho says. 

“I wasn't teasing.”

“Well it looked like you were teasing and he's already feeling bad as it is and you should —”

“Okay, stop it guys,” Jaehyun says, pulling away from Woonhak to turn back into Serious Leader mode. He sighs, rubbing a temple, then asks: “So we solved that problem — anyone else?” 

“Actually, I wanted to say something,” Leehan says, raising a hand. “I know I said my door is always open if you want to talk — and don't get me wrong, I'm always happy to be of help — but please be mindful of the time, because sometimes you catch me just as I'm about to go to bed and with the comeback and everything, I'm really trying to get as much sleep as possible.” 

Jaehyun nods, turning to the rest of them. “I think it's safe to say that we'll all keep that in mind, right guys?” 

Before they can say anything, Leehan adds: “And especially don't come to my room and fall asleep on my bed just ‘cause your roommate is snoring too loudly, because that means I either have to go sleep in the same room as the snoring roommate or I have to sleep on the couch, and the couch is really uncomfortable.”

It's obvious who Leehan is talking about. Although he very mindfully avoided giving any names, that doesn't change the fact that ever since Woonhak moved into the living room, there's only one pair of roommates in the group. Sungho stares at the carpet, face burning, because he's definitely not the guy who stole Leehan's bed and made him sleep on the couch. 

Jaehyun clears his throat, looking at the walls. “Won't happen again.” 

“Alright, does anyone else want to say something?” Riwoo asks. “... Jaehyun?” 

“Nope, I'm fine with everyone these days.”

“Okay…” Riwoo looks at all of them slowly, like he's considering who else to ask and so it's just a coincidence that he says: “Taesanie, maybe you have something you'd like to share?” 

Taesan shakes his head and says simply, “Nope.”

But Riwoo doesn't let him off the hook that easily, and if it wasn't clear before that this whole meeting was just about Sungho and Taesan, it becomes obvious when he presses: “Are you sure? Completely, hundred percent sure? You're not upset with any of the members at all?” 

“Okay, I guess I have something.” Taesan sighs, rolls his shoulders, and for a moment Sungho thinks he might actually tell everyone about their fight. Instead, he says: “Woonhak, I know you need your own space and whatever but just because you want to sleep on the couch, that doesn't mean you can hog the TV. Sometimes I want to stay up and play FIFA or something, not watch your dramas.” 

“Well, there's a TV downstairs too if you really want to play.” 

“Yeah, I know, but what if I want to play in my own home?” 

“Technically, the downstairs apartment is part of your own home too,” Leehan points out. Taesan shoots him one of his trademark glares, the kind that makes your skin crawl, and Leehan raises his arms in defense. “Just stating a fact.” 

“Okay, but I don't want to walk up and down the stairs in the middle of the night when I'm tired, so —”

“But what if I don't want to do that either?” 

“Okay, okay,” Jaehyun steps in before this gets into a whole thing. “You'll take turns from now on. We can keep a list on the fridge and everything. Sounds good?” 

Taesan and Woonhak both mumble noncommittally, and Jaehyun nods, taking that as a good sign. “Great. Now, Sungho? Do you want to tell us something?” 

Sungho looks around the room but avoids Taesan’s eyes; he flashes a smile, bites into his fresh manicure that he just got two days ago, and lies straight through his teeth. “Nah, I'm good.” 

“Really?” Jaehyun asks, leaning closer to him. Sungho leans back, pressing himself against the wall. 

“I guess I'll see what I can do about that snoring,” he says in a jokey manner. Woonhak laughs, but that's about it, and Jaehyun pulls back with a sour look on his face. 

He was clearly hoping for a miracle, that all their problems could be solved in one short session of sharing their sorrows. But sometimes things don't go that easily — and sometimes, problems never go away at all. Sungho still has no idea if things'll turn out okay with Taesan or not. 

Later on that night, Jaehyun tries to talk about The Taesan Problem again, because he just can't take a hint apparently. After they've both settled in their beds, pulled the blankets up to their chins (because Leehan likes the apartment to be freezing), and said their goodnight's, Jaehyun asks: “Sungho, what's going on?”

At first Sungho pretends not to hear him, like he's somehow managed to fall asleep in the record time of two minutes. Jaehyun waits a bit, then goes on, “I know there's something wrong with you two. It's obvious — you're fighting a lot, you won't even look at each other… even the fans were talking about it, did you know? You should've seen the comments in yesterday’s live. So what's wrong?” 

Sungho closes his eyes tightly and hopes to God that he'll fall asleep, or at least manage to block out Jaehyun’s voice. It's late, he's had a long day, and he has no desire at all to talk about whatever is happening with him and Taesan when even he doesn't know just what's wrong. 

Besides, he doesn't have to answer to Jaehyun. Yeah, he may be the leader, but for fuck's sake, Sungho is older! He deserves at least this, to keep one part of his life private. Is that so unreasonable? Sungho never butts in when Jaehyun is acting strange with Riwoo, so can't he expect the same from him? 

Very quietly, Jaehyun whispers: “Woonhak told me that Taesan is sleeping worse than usual. He can hear him pacing in his room at night.”

Sungho scoffs, not lifting his head from the pillow. “You can't blame that one on me,” he says, surprising himself with how acid his voice comes out. “He never sleeps well.”

“Yeah, but maybe if you talked to him —”

“What do you think would happen? I'm not a miracle worker.” 

Jaehyun sighs. “You know he looks up to you. He likes you the most — if you talk to him, maybe you could really help him.”

Sungho's heart aches at the thought of Taesan hurting, but he knows he can't just talk to him. Things are too complicated, too weird, and it's really just better that he keeps his distance. He needs to stand his ground. 

“He's a grown man. If he wants to talk, he can reach out to me himself.”

“You know he won't.”

“Well, then, that's his problem.”

“But Sungho, come on —”

“Now good night.”

“Sungho —”

“Jaehyun, I'm tired, now please just go to sleep and leave me alone.” 

Jaehyun doesn't say anything, which is a wise move. Sungho is feeling shitty enough that anything could set him off, and then what? He'd be in a fight with Taesan and Jaehyun? Even with all this rage he knows that's not right. 

Who cares about how Taesan is sleeping, anyway. If it's really so bad he can take a pill or something, that'll fix it. It's not Sungho's job to take care of him. 

Because whenever he gets close to Taesan, he gets just a bit too close. Whenever they talk, he laughs just a bit too loudly; when they hug, he holds on just a bit too tightly, and that time when they were filming that drama, he looked forward to the kiss scene a bit too much. And the problem is, he never knows what to do with all those things — all the feelings that bundle together in a mush and get him all confused and scared, he has no idea where to put them so that he can just be a normal person. And he needs to be normal. 

Before they debuted, when they had just moved into their new home, Sungho wasn't doing so well. With Leehan and Riwoo, the True Soulmates, living in the same apartment, it was a bit alienating. It felt like there was a clearly established pair of people, and him. Like there was a gap between them. 

He made good with what he had and it turned out nice; both Leehan and Riwoo are great people — they understand boundaries and rules and they even went along with his hyperfixation of keeping things clean. They had fun playing games together or watching the same shows and it was always nice when they ordered food and all sat down in the living room and ate and talked. But still, there was always a bit of distance between him and them. 

Then one day, as they were walking the endless route home from work, Sungho noticed a line of painted flowers on the sleeve of Taesan's denim jacket. 

He gasped, “Woah! That looks so cool, where did you get it from?”

Taesan looked at the flowers, then back at Sungho, pride sparkling in his eyes. “I made it, actually.” 

“I didn't know you can paint that well.” Sungho went quiet for a moment, then added, feeling unreasonably shy, “I… I paint too.” 

“Yeah, I know.” Taesan gave him a sideways glance, a small smile. “Riwoo told me.” 

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

They walked quietly, and Sungho noticed just then that they were way ahead of the others, but for some reason he didn't slow his pace. Taesan didn't seem to notice, but maybe he did, and if he did he definitely didn't say anything. 

Taesan cleared his throat. “So… would you like to paint with me sometime?” 

See, that was very shocking, the way he asked this so naturally. Usually he's a shy person and they didn't even know each other so well back then. Sungho thought it would be a long time before he and Taesan would hang out together of their own accord, if ever.

“Sure,” Sungho finally answered, like he was just throwing it out there.  

They only painted together a few times. The first time, Taesan put a random show in the background and both of them were mostly quiet. The second time, Sungho shared the story of how his grandpa took him horseback riding once when he was a kid and he fell off the horse immediately after climbing on its back, breaking two toes in the process (Taesan laughed so hard that he teared up, and it went passing through Sungho's mind that those were the only kinds of tears he ever wanted to see on Taesan's pretty face). The third time, Taesan came up with the idea to use mustard and ketchup and other stuff like that as paint, because he saw it in Mr Bean once (the paintings turned out horrible and they smelled even worse). 

The fourth time, Taesan came to Sungho's door half an hour early, looking upset and worn out. That was alarming for two reasons: one, obviously, because Taesan didn't look well; and two, because Taesan had come from a producing session, and Sungho knew for a fact that those tended to last long. He was actually expecting Taesan to be a little late, even though they'd made clear plans, because that's just how it works. So seeing him there at that time was not a good sign at all. 

Another bad sign was that Taesan didn't bring anything to paint with, when they'd already talked about it and he promised he'd buy new paintbrushes after they ruined the last set with jam and mayo. 

“Sorry,” Taesan said first thing as he walked in, jumping facedown on Sungho's bed. “Can we not do anything today, please? I have a headache.” 

“Sure, yeah, that's okay,” Sungho said quickly, moving over to make more room for him on the mattress. “Do you want me to get you a pill or something?” 

“No, it's fine,” Taesan said, turning over to stare at the ceiling. Sungho nodded, though Taesan wasn't looking at him, and then he stood there like that, just looking at Taesan for any signs that he was sick or something. After a while, Taesan sighed and confessed: “I don't actually have a headache.” 

“Oh. Um, then why —”

“I lied. I told Jaehyun and Woonhak that I have a headache, but I'm fine.” 

“Well, I won't tell them,” Sungho promised. Taesan snorted. 

“Yeah, I know.” 

Sungho nodded again, then lied down on his back, staring at the ceiling too. 

“Do you ever feel like…” Taesan started abruptly, only to let his voice fade off after a moment. 

“What?” Sungho prompted. 

“Do you ever feel like you're an extra?” 

“An extra?” 

“With Jaehyun and Woonhak, sometimes I feel like I'm intruding. It's like they're two of the same person and I'm just there, stuck with being myself, and I just don't fit in, you know?” Taesan took a breath, then added, almost as an afterthought: “Don't get me wrong, I like them — and I have fun hanging out with them too. It's just that… —”

“I know,” Sungho interrupted softly. “It's the same with Leehan and Riwoo.”

Taesan let out a short laugh. “Right.”

“So I get it.”

“Yeah.”

Sungho turned on his side and gave a smile. “I don't feel that way with you, though. I feel like I fit in with you.”

Taesan looked back at him, the same smile on his lips. “Me too.” 

Sungho doesn't really remember what happened after that — Taesan might've fallen asleep and Sungho probably slept there with him, or maybe not. He just knows that after that day, they stopped painting together. The truth was that painting was just an excuse to spend time together, just like writing lyrics every Thursday was another excuse. Now they don't do any of that. 

Sungho doesn't let things get awkward today. Jaehyun and Woonhak called him to the studio to record a demo, and Taesan is here too. Normally, that would be enough to send him spiraling, but he's determined to do a good job no matter what. 

He closes his eyes as he sings, though. He doesn't think he could go on about love — because obviously that's what the song would be about, he can never catch a break, can he? — and see Taesan's face at the same time. Things have been hard enough so far and he doesn't want to go through unnecessary torture. 

When he opens his eyes, finishing the 4th take, he sees that Taesan isn't even here. He frowns, because that's not normal — no matter that they're in a fight, Taesan is too professional to leave the room while Sungho is recording. First and foremost, he's a musicmaker. 

“What's going on?” 

He sees that Jaehyun has that worried face that says something is really wrong, and Woonhak doesn't look so happy either, when just a few minutes ago he looked happy and carefree like he should always be. 

“I guess Taesanie hyung isn't feeling so well.” 

“Where is he? Why didn't anyone go with him?”

“He said to leave him alone,” Jaehyun says, running a hand through his hair — for a moment, he looks utterly exhausted. Maybe he doesn't want to fight with Taesan, to cross his boundaries or something, or maybe he really does believe that Taesan can handle whatever is happening all by himself.

But Sungho can't take that chance; if Taesan isn't well, he needs to check on him. If that means making an ass of himself and giving Taesan one more reason to hate him, that's fine — he just wants to know that he's okay. 

He puts the headphone set down and leaves the recording booth. The hallway is empty, so he starts a search. There are three bathrooms on this floor, and he takes them one by one. 

Taesan is in the farthest bathroom down the hallway. Sungho finds him leaning over the sink, holding his nose, with bits of toilet paper lying on the floor. 

“Taesanie?” He asks softly, still in the doorway. 

Taesan turns to him but it must be a reflex, because as soon as he sees who it is he mumbles, “Shit.” 

And yeah, shit indeed. His nose is bleeding, and very badly too. There's blood on his face, on his hands, on his clean shirt. Sungho has half a mind to call the hospital, but Taesan looks freaked out as it is, and maybe things aren't as bad as they look. 

He takes a small step forward. Taesan doesn't move, but he doesn't say anything either, just keeps on looking at him like a kid caught doing something bad. 

“Let's go lie down, okay?” Sungho asks. Taesan nods, slowly, like he's still waiting for something to happen. 

Sungho gives him a smile, starting to lead the way out of the bathroom. “Hold your head up,” he instructs. Taesan listens, but Sungho guesses he can't see where he's walking, so he does something he thought he'd never be able to do again: he holds his arm. 

Taesan immediately clings onto him with both hands, and Sungho doesn't even care about the blood he's leaving on his sleeve, that's how happy he is that he's so close to his best friend again. They take small steps, so it takes a while until they get to Taesan's studio, but Sungho cherishes every moment. It's been forever since he and Taesan touched, even just a brush of their fingers or anything small like that. 

In Taesan's studio, Sungho puts him on the couch, makes sure his head is hanging upside down, and gives him a clean napkin. While Taesan holds the new napkin to his nose, Sungho texts Jaehyun (found him but he needs a break. maybe we'll finish recording tomorrow? see you home). 

All the while, Taesan is perfectly silent, staring out through his window, so Sungho doesn't say anything either. When the napkin gets filled with blood he gives him another one, and a while later he changes that napkin again, and when he tries to give him yet another one Taesan says — either to reassure him or to get rid of him, Sungho doesn't know — “I think it's fine now.” 

Sungho nods, crossing his arms. “Well, good, that's good, I'm glad that…” his voice dies off as he looks at Taesan, but Taesan is still not looking at him. A huge lump forms in his throat when he sees the dried blood on his chin, but he swallows it down and asks: “Why didn't you tell me that you're not feeling well?” 

Taesan lets a few moments pass before he answers, almost casually, “I don't know. I guess… I didn't think I could.” He laughs, but it's humorless, and it makes Sungho feel all the worse. “I know it sounds silly but —”

“No, I get it. I guess I wasn't very close to you these last weeks.” Sungho drops his head in his hands, falling into a chair. 

He looks around the room, remembering the last time he was in here, and all of a sudden the weight of everything falls on him. The shame of disappointing his best friend, his comfort person; the jumble of feelings he still has, because he can't get past the idea that he and Taesan could be more; the tragedy of their lives, because he knows he'll never be able to love Taesan the way he wants to and being here is just a big, flashing reminder of that. And the grief of losing Taesan, when once upon a time, they used to be inseparable. 

“How did we get here, Taesan? This is not us.” 

He doesn't expect an answer. He says it just to be said, just to show that he does feel and that he feels terrible. He never thought he could miss one person so much when he's in the same room. 

“I don't know,” Taesan replies nonetheless, his voice thick either because his nose is still stuffy with blood or because of something else, some other reason that Sungho won't dare hope for. “I guess I was mad at you for, you know, that time you yelled at me. Or… maybe it's not that. Maybe it's that you didn't say anything, so I didn't say anything either.” Taesan sighs, finally looking at him. Sungho can see a certain sadness in his eyes; it would take a hurricane to actually make Taesan cry, but his feelings are still showing all the same. “I'm not trying to blame you — I know I was a jerk too.”

“You're never a jerk,” Sungho says. “You can try, but it never works.” 

Taesan scoffs and looks away. “Right.”

“What does that mean?”

“I mean that you're, like, the best person in the whole world.” Taesan stops, clears his throat, and goes on awkwardly: “I mean, when the nicest guy ever won't talk to you for weeks, what does that say about you? What kind of person am I, then?” 

Sungho sits on the ground next to him, pats his head softly, and thinks of what could he say that wouldn't ruin what they have even more, a million thoughts running through his mind that he knows he can't ever say out loud. 

“You're a good person, and I didn't treat you fairly, and I'm sorry.” 

Taesan doesn't say anything, just looks back at him with the vulnerability that he only shows when it's the two of them, all alone, and Sungho missed this so much.

“I didn't know that's how you felt. I'm really sorry, Taesanie.”

“It's okay,” Taesan whispers. 

Sungho looks down. “To be honest, I kinda knew you weren't doing so great. I heard you're not sleeping well and —”

“Yeah,” Taesan cuts him off. “I don't know what that's about.” 

“I'm sorry.”

“It's fine, hyung.” 

Sungho sighs. Then he decides that he can't just sit here and feel sorry for himself; Taesan is doing worse, and it's about time he's there to help him out. He reaches over to the desk, gets some tissues, and starts to clean up Taesan's face of all the blood. On a normal day, Taesan would pull away instantly and insist that he can do it by himself, but this time he keeps on laying there and lets it happen, and that's a good sign any way you look at it. 

“From now on just tell me, okay? Even if we're mad at each other, I always want to be there for you.” 

“Okay.”

“Promise you'll tell me, Taesan.”

“Okay, I promise.” Taesan smiles softly, pulling down Sungho's hand so he can look at him. “So… are we fine? Are we friends again?”

Sungho smiles. “Yeah,” he says, though the word ‘friends’ makes his heart bitter. He nods and smiles and he's happy nonetheless, because yesterday they weren't even that, and now at least he has him back. 

“Good,” Taesan says, his eyes drifting away, and then he whispers again, to himself: “That's good.”

Sungho smiles again, squeezes his hand, and stands up. “Ready to go home? I'll buy you dinner.” 

“Why don't you cook something?” 

“You want me to cook, really?” 

“Well, I did lose a lot of blood there, didn't I? And your fried pork belly is full of nutrients and vitamins that could help me get all that blood back and be healthy and —”

“Okay, okay, stop with the bullshit. I'll cook whatever you want.”

“Good,” Taesan says with the brightest smile, and Sungho swears he'll become his personal chef for the rest of his life if it means that Taesan is happy. 

Despite the ‘just friends’ thing that's still hanging over his head, this is good. He thought that he wanted some distance, that it's best he keeps away, but these past weeks almost killed him. He'll probably never get the guts to tell Taesan truly how he feels, but at least now he can link arms with him and they can talk and things are good this way too. That's something.