Work Text:
Eiji,
I always thought I'd go to hell, if something like that existed. Always. From the moment I first put a bullet in that man at 8 years old I'd started to accept that fact. Being spirited away into the opposite was the last thing I'd expected when I rested my head on that desk.
It's far from what you'd expect, up here. People have this view, this overly human interpretation of what the 'afterlife' is like but I can explain one thing- it's peaceful. More peace than I had ever known through my life. Maybe that's why my body looked so calm after my soul left it. Well, that's definitely better than being buried with a scowl on my face. I guess that's something to be grateful for.
It would still be better than what Shorter got, at least. He's here too, along with Skip. And he's sorry for what he did to you, he loved you as much as the rest of us and he wishes he could just say goodbye to you, properly, one last time. I do too. We'll wait patiently for the time when you join us, but it's all we want for you to have a long, happy life first. To leave your mark on the photography world. Your talent is remarkable.
You get a lot of time to think too, being up here. Time to reflect on the life you lived. The way you turned out, the way the earth shaped your story. And I know I'll never forgive myself for killing people. Even though it was the world I lived in- I understood that then, and I understand it here too. But I still see myself as a monster. A monster among angels, now.
That's why I could never call myself a guardian angel, Eiji. Because even though I watch over you, I stick by you and protect you the best I can, I'll still be the monster I always was. I'll still be a little out of place here, among all these men who led noble, selfless lives. Sometimes I swear they can see the blood soaked into my hands better than I can.
I see the way the tiredness creeps back into your face when you're alone. When the thought of me snaps back into your head and squeezes your throat and I'm sorry to do that to you. I'm sorry you had to know me and how I left you. Watching your reaction when you found out I was dead ripped me apart. But my death has kept you safe, Eiji. It's seperated you from my enemies, from the people wanting to do you harm to get to me.
Instead you have my allies, spread all over America, willing to protect you in my legacy. You're untouchable, Eiji, and I think you're too naive to know it. I love that about you. Sing never liked me much, but he cares a lot about you and I'm happy he sticks by you. It's nice for you to have someone with you who knew me too, that you don't have to pretend our friendship was anything lesser than what it was.
You're leading a safer life than you ever could have with me around, even if we'd been in Japan. Even if I'd made it to that flight, made it back with you and tried to live out the fantasy I'd indulged you in, there'd still be people out there who wanted a taste of my blood. They might've found me. And I think, deep down, you understand that too. Even if you'd never admit it to yourself, you're better off without me.
I try to let you feel my presence where I can, but it's hard. Hard to make myself present for someone who's scared to let themselves believe there could be such a thing as ghosts. I'm not a ghost, but you promised your soul would always be with mine and I have to uphold that.
My body may be just bones by now but my soul will never leave you, I'll be with you until you make your way here too. And I know you will, I have no doubt about it. Your spirit is as pure as the highest angels, even when it's tainted by the sadness that crawls over your heart. So please let yourself feel me, in the winds that ruffle your hair and the rain that caresses the back of your neck. Please let yourself believe that stray cat in your neighborhood is some form of me, she deserves your compassion more than I ever did. Give her a warm place to stay in my memory.
You poured your soul into writing a letter for me before I passed- you even learnt to write in cursive.
It's only fair that I wrote one back from up here.
I know you'll never see this but I hope, at least, you'll feel it.
-A.