Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The air was muggy as dusk painted the sky, wielding a dark brush to diffuse shades of purple and grey across canvas. Kelly stood on the porch watching as night descended, waiting for shadow to take root in his bones. Soon, so soon, the world outside would match the world inside, would be as black and blue as his aching soul. It was a fight to keep it from pulling him under. He wondered if maybe he should let it.

But he couldn’t. Wouldn’t. He was alone, so goddamn alone, and the feelings of want and need, of push and pull, of please and help, tugged at him with such force he was torn asunder; the best parts of himself scattered like embers in the wind. But his mate needed him somewhere out there in the wide world so he would swallow the bitter hurt and get on with things.

He would do it because no one else would. They had all made that perfectly clear with their silence, with their teeth barred, and their eyes dark. And he had been drowning in it…the rising tide of red, so much damn red one could paint a crime scene with it. The anger, the betrayal, the fear sour and sharp, stung at his flesh; it was a livewire burning through him, a spark setting forest alight. If he had stayed it would have consumed him. So, he had fled, into the dark, into the night.

Though he didn’t get very far before revelation hit him and stilled his feet.  There were things to be done, and he couldn’t do them if he was running.

And that is how he found himself standing on the porch, a little taller, a little surer; each inhalation of breath a prayer, every exhalation a promise. All his bone-deep scars, invisible to the world but so acutely felt, were little more than a road map of imagined sins. He would gather up every frayed worn piece of himself and stitch those pieces back together to make something new, unbreakable, and devastating in its power. If he had to do it all alone, so be it.

But he wasn’t alone-not out here in the dark, in the night, on the porch in shadow. He knew he wasn’t alone because another heartbeat added a counter rhythm to the quick staccato of his own. He felt the in and out of whispered breath, the hum of powerful song, and the thrum and pull upon nebulous threads. The pack-pack-pack echoed like sweet melody, then rapturous prayer in his head.

And he would know that scent anywhere; it was sodden earth and fallen leaves, it was petrichor and loam, it was Gordo…always Gordo. Underneath it all though was something else, something that tasted of salt and ash, something caustic and biting that made Kelly’s heart ache. It was the deep blue of loss, the midnight hues of regret. There was pain yes, so much pain, but buried deeper was something that maybe might sing of relief if given time. He reached for it with the last of his waning strength.

It was that small thread of hope, of promise, that he held onto as he rasped out a simple, “Gordo? Is that you?” He did his best to steady his voice, but it was still a small trembling thing strained by exhaustion and grief. It didn’t matter because the slump of Gordo’s shoulders, the sigh he set free into the world, suggested he was just as world weary, just as lost.

“Hey kid,” he whispered in invitation, so Kelly sat down beside him on the steps of the porch close enough to draw heat and comfort from his body. And gods how he had missed it, being seen, being touched by another human being out of understanding not pity. Gordo was a pillar of strength upon which he could lean, a safe haven from the noise and disorder of their discordant world.   

But the calm didn’t last-it never did. At least not when Gordo was involved.

Gordo jarred Kelly back into frightened awareness as he shifted to pull a cigarette and lighter from his pocket. He was restless, a tightly wound coil ready to snap, a whip ready to strike. And although Kelly knew better than to prod and poke Gordo when he was like this, he opened his mouth and pushed anyways.

“I thought you were quitting?”

“ I am. I was. Fuck, this is me trying kid. But this thing with Robbie has shot my nerves all to hell.”

Kelly watched with keen eyes as Gordo tried to light his cigarette with a shaky hand. As he prized the lighter from Gordo’s stiff fingers he said,” I get it, believe me I do.”

“I can do it myself,” Gordo snapped in irritation as he grabbed at Kelly with his left hand.

“I know you can. You know what else you can do though? You can learn to except help every now and then. And maybe this isn’t about you. Maybe I need this distraction. Maybe I need to feel useful right now. Maybe I need to keep my hands and mind busy so I forget just for a while all the ways I have failed.”  

There was no need for more words, not really. So, they sat there as the stars made their appearance and crickets filled the air with sweet song. Gordo took a drag from his cigarette. Kelly watched the night run its inky fingers across the last bit of light that remained until all that was left was the distant glow of fireflies and the soft flicker of flame that illuminated Gordo’s pained features.

Time had no meaning here in the dark. Kelly wasn’t sure if the silence had lasted mere moments or had transcended the seasons and the seas. He liked the quiet; the way it turned the world soft, the way it chased chaos to earth’s end. Gordo liked the quiet too. Usually, he took comfort in that fact, but right now the silence was a vicious thing, using teeth and claws to tear at him. It had worn out its welcome. He needed…

He needed Robbie. Robbie would indulge his silences for a while, but then he would tell him to stop brooding, to stop contemplating the stars and trying to solve all of the universe’s problems. He would nearly always say the wrong thing, but always at the right time; when Kelly most needed to hear it. And gods what Kelly wouldn’t do to hear his voice in that moment; the soft soothing timber used to chase away every devil, the joyous laughter capable of coaxing Kelly’s playful side back into being, and the sure even tones employed to make truth more palatable. He was starting to forget what those soft caramel tones sounded like, and it terrified him.

In a panic he let lose a quivery growl that slowly morphed into broken speech. “It hurts Gordo. Everything burns, aches. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I can’t, I can’t fucking breath.  I just can’t…” His voice was a strange shaky thing that cracked and splintered upon every syllable. He tried to steady it, but it was a battle he was quickly losing; he was being carried out to sea, a riptide pulling him under. It was getting harder to draw enough oxygen into lungs to produce sound, so the rest of his words simply withered and died upon tongue. And then he sagged under the weight of it all, the last of his breath leaving body like wind from sails.

But there Gordo was to pull him from the murky waters, to set his feet firmly back on land.  Kelly almost startled when a calloused hand smoothed across the planes of his face to wipe away the last of his tears. It was so rare, Gordo initiating contact, that Kelly couldn’t help the surprise, the wonder and then the tremble that overtook him. And then he was being pulled forward, space disappearing between them until he felt skin resting firmly against his, their foreheads softly touching, their breath quietly mingling in whatever space remained between them. Even in the dim light Kelly could still see the glistening trails that cut paths along Gordo’s wearied face, traveling south along cheek to chin. Even blind, Kelly would know his pain… it smelled of lilies decaying in the sun, of salted earth, and bitter root. And in that moment, they were the same- the same in their sorrow, the same in their resolve.

Gordo took a hammer to the silence in an effort to pull Kelly from whatever shadow world had called him home; swallowing his own pain and steadying tremulous voice to offer Kelly what little support he was able. “You are strong Kelly. You will get through this. We will get through this, just like we got through what came before.” And it was said with an earnestness that almost made Kelly believe.

He knew he wasn’t fragile. No, he had never been that; but today he felt flayed open, raw, unmoored, lacking. He wasn’t enough-not fast enough, not smart enough, not steadfast enough; so, his words came out as a weak mumble. “I’m not…I don’t know how…I…I’m not strong enough. I’m not. How did you do this Gordo- how did you survive it all?”

Kelly knew he wasn’t making sense, knew he was a mess of stutters and stops, a jumbled mess of sound. He had so much to say to Gordo he hardly knew where to begin, so he simply said “I’m sorry Gordo. I’m sorry I didn’t understand.”

“Didn’t understand what?” Gordo’s voice was tinged with such honest curiosity, Kelly was almost taken by surprise.

“I don’t know. You and Mark? Everything? Anything? Nothing?” He paused to think, to map out every treacherous path his words might lead them down. He felt caught in a web of his own weaving when in frustration he muttered, “I was angry Gordo, so angry when you threatened to take Carter away, that I couldn’t see past my own pain to ever begin to understand yours.”

Gordo pulled back then and the space between them swelled, becoming a chasm, an event horizon upon which all light went to die. Kelly immediately felt the distance as if it were a physical presence, a malevolent specter intent on punishing him. Gordo was little more than a silhouette now, and Kelly missed being able to draw meaning from every subtle movement of brow and lip, every roll of eye. Gordo could always speak volumes without ever having to utter a word. Kelly hated that he couldn’t read him now as he said, “I didn’t understand. Not until Robbie and I’m so damn sorry for that.”

“It’s not the same kid.”

Ah, and there it was again, that word that somehow made him feel both small and loved in equal measure. It hadn’t been just age that separated them, but experience; both joyful and grave. But now, now Kelly Bennett understood how grief changes you, strips years away from your life. He has never felt older, or more tired than in this moment. It is with real effort that he says, “Isn’t it? The same?”  

“Mark made a choice. Did Robbie?” Gordo’s rough tone belied annoyance, but Kelly wasn’t truly sure who he was directing it at, so he waited a beat to reply.

“I don’t… I don’t know, but I don’t think he and Mark are really that different. Fate or circumstance made tragic fools of them both. You say Mark made a choice, but what good are choices when every one leads to heartbreaking ends? Any choice he made would have destroyed him and you know it.”

“You don’t know what you are talking about ,…Mark and I….,” Gordo growled low in his throat. Kelly felt it reverberate through taught muscle and rigid bone, but he ignored the warning anyways. He was wolf, he was wily, he would hold his own. There were things that needed to be said, so he did.

“Mark is here, now, with you. Isn’t that enough?” His voice cracked right down the middle as he finally admitted the truth of it all to himself, to Gordo, maybe even the world. His vocal cords ached as he ground out, “I wish, I wish I could say the same.” And nothing could possibly sound more like defeat. He thought maybe he hated himself in that moment.

“Oh Kelly. I’m sorry.” And Gordo was, but it wouldn’t change a damn thing.

“I know Gordo. And I was wrong when I said I didn’t know if Robbie had a choice. He no more had a choice than you did, and for that I’m sorry…...for you both. I’m sorry you were here alone just as I’m sorry Robbie is out there on his own. The pack failed you both.”

There was nothing but silence then. Five beats, six beats, ten-until finally… “He didn’t do this Gordo…not with a willing heart. It wasn’t him. I know because I know him. And gods, when he came here Gordo, he didn’t see me…he didn’t see me. He looked through me like I was made of mist, and everything felt so goddamn wrong. It wasn’t him, Gordo. It wasn’t him.”

Gordo wondered who Kelly was trying to convince as he whispered his own desperate “I know.”

“You do?…I..I thought….”

“You know Kelly, for someone so smart, you gotta know you are dumb about people,” Gordo said. But there was no malice in his voice. In fact, every word was sugar on the tongue, a tease that belayed such fondness, Kelly bit back a retort. Besides, fighting truth was not worth the energy expended. People would probably always be a little beyond Kelly’s comprehension and he never minded Gordo calling him out on such truths so he waited patiently for him to go on.

 “You never seem to see the effect you have on them-people I mean. You were pack first you know. Joe was too busy trying to find his footing, too lost to his grief to be found.  And Carter was, well Carter-brash and bold and too much fucking noise. He was chaos, but there you were, the calm in the middle of it all, the light in the damn dark that I decided to follow. “

Kelly wondered at Gordo’s choice of words (a light in the dark, really? Kelly would have to tease him about it later) and then his timing, for in that moment the porch was set ablaze, made iridescent by the light streaming from kitchen window. He didn’t turn to see the shape framed there because he already knew who he would find (Carter was a nosey bastard at the best of times and persistent pest at the worst). In that moment he was glad for the savage storm that raged between them, glad that he could hide his own thoughts behind thunder cloud, glad the things he felt from Carter were muted, devoid of color or scent. Most days he missed his tether, missed the light and laughter that pulsed like a living thing between them, but today he wanted to hold onto his anger a little longer and he didn’t need Carter clawing away at his defenses. He was glad that Carter was only able to prowl along the border.

“Gordo, can’t you do something about him? Make him go away?” Kelly wouldn’t look at his brother as he said it, but he knew Carter was devouring every word like a half-starved animal so he made sure to let his annoyance and hurt show through in his voice.

“And how do you propose I do that?”

“You’re magic. Can’t you like, light his hair on fire or something?” There was mischief in his voice now and an almost playful glint in his cornflower eyes that made Gordo nervous, though he couldn’t say why.

Gordo’s incredulous look was almost comical when he stammered out, “ Wha…No….That’s not how it works. That’s not how any of it works.”

“Well waggle your murder eyebrows at him then. That should scare him away.” Kelly proceeded with a demonstration, though his imitation was weak and made him look more like a kicked puppy than the wolf he truly was.   

“I’ll give you murder eyebrows, “Gordo proclaimed as he proceeded to scrunch up his face and narrow eyes in disgust. The effect was so ridiculous Kelly struggled not to laugh, he struggled until the feeling overtook him, until all that was left was almost manic hysteria. And it felt good so he let it loose into the world.

Gordo startled at the change in tone and atmosphere. His face, like the seasons, changed from grey and sour winter to bright sunny spring. Kelly’s laugh was such an extraordinary thing; honeyed, warm, and oh so rare, that Gordo couldn’t help but share in Kelly’s delight, even if it was at his expense. And it all felt so light, so satisfying, so delicious, until it devolved into something else entirely.

The high joyous tones of humor and riot degenerated into the dour tones of loss, melancholy, and despondency.  His laughter grew higher in pitch until it crested and crashed, fracturing into a thousand broken notes of sorrow and shadow; his song transforming from sun salutation to dirge in the dark. He didn’t want an audience for this pitiful performance, especially when said audience was his brother who had hurt and disappointed him, but there was nothing he could do about it now. He let the tears come once again.

No, he couldn’t-wouldn’t do this with Carter watching, so he brushed away the salty tack that painted skin and scrambled to right himself. Instead, he overcorrected. His voice gained a frosty edge when he said “I don’t understand. What does anything you’ve said have to do with Robbie?”

Gordo sighed and pretended to be blind to Kelly’s very obvious distress. “I’m getting there. Just let me finish. Jeeze, the impatience of youth.”

He hoped his stab at levity would pull Kelly back from whatever darkened shore he was stranded upon. And it did. The ice thawed, the warmth creeping back in slow strides to snatch the rough edge from Kelly’s voice as he said, “Okay grumpy old man. Say your piece.”

“Maybe I will kid, if you hold your peace and let me finish.”

When it was obvious Kelly was choosing to hold his tongue for a beat longer, Gordo went on. “Joe trusts you to do the right things and Carter…well he may think himself your protector, but I see the way you steady him and the way you have his back too. But with Robbie, Jesus kid you were his everything. And when shit hit the fan, sure I was angry and lost, so damn lost, but then I remembered some things. I remembered how pleased he was every time he thought he won my favor, big dopey grin and eyes bright under those damn glasses. And I remembered how he looked at you. Somedays like you hung the moon and other days like you were the moon itself drawing him into your orbit. And Robbie may have been a lot of things, but a good actor surely wasn’t one of them. I don’t for a minute think he was capable of faking all that dumb awkward head-over-heels bullshit either.”

At this, Kelly couldn’t help but snort, undignified as it might have been. He warmed at the memories of stumbled words and fidgety feet. Robbie really had been an awkward mess at times, but he had been Kelly’s awkward mess. 

But Gordo was far from done, so Kelly tucked away all his glorious visions of love and light to refocus his attention.

 “And why in the seven hells would someone who spent half his life floating from pack to pack looking for a place to belong blow everything up the moment he found home? He told me once he would do whatever it took to hold on to it, so no Kelly, I don’t think he did this. “

Gordo grew silent for a moment and a thoughtful look over took his features as he stared over Kelly’s head at Carter pacing in the kitchen. His voice climbed from whisper to rough exclamation so that the man beyond the glass would also be sure to hear him say, “I loved…. love him too you know.”

It hurt to hear so Kelly did his best to steer the conversation to lighter fare and almost without thinking blurted out a rushed, “Robbie told me you threatened him once.”

“Just once?”

“He said something about your Fiery Hand of Doom.”

“Weird how you can make any statement sound like a question. But yeah… that is close enough to what I said. I won’t hurt your delicate sensibilities and repeat it word for word, but essentially, I told him if he ever hurt you, he would be sorry.”

“Why..”

“Oh wipe that stupid look off your face Kelly. You know I love you too, you big dummy.”

“Yeah…yeah I do. It is still nice to hear spoken aloud every now and then though.” And as he said it, he remembered how easy it had always come to Robbie. Not just the words, but all the little things he did that said; I Love You I See You I Will Never Let You Go.

“I miss him Gordo. So much.”

“Me too kid. Me too.”

Kelly looked at Gordo and then over his own shoulder to gauge his brother’s reaction to their exchange, but Carter had already moved on. Kelly felt his brother’s absence like a hollow in his chest. He hadn’t needed Carter’s approval. Not for this. But every part of him ached for it anyways. It was with a hint of dejection that a soft plea left his lips. “ So, what do we do now?”

“I don’t know Kelly. But I think maybe you do.”

“Yeah, I guess I do. I talk to Joe.” And nothing ever sounded so arduous, so horrifyingly impossible. It was with almost real terror in his voice that he asked, “Gordo... what if…what if it doesn’t work? What if he doesn’t listen?”

“Then you make him listen, Kelly.”

To this Kelly had no words, but the deep worry lines and the scowl marring his face belied the true depths of his misery. It was with sour tones of dejection that he mumbled,” I already know what he will say.”

“Oh, and what is that, Kelly?”

“He will tell me as alpha he has to make hard decisions. He will tell me Tanner and Chris are his priority. They are new wolves that need their alpha. He will tell me he loves me, but he can’t help me. And in that moment, for all that I love him, part of me will hate him too.”

“Give him some time. Give them all some time. They love you, they…”

“I thought they loved him too. I thought…” Kelly hadn’t meant to sound so harsh, so raw, but pain dug its icy claws deep into flesh and heart and wouldn’t let go.

“You’re a fool Kelly if you think they have stopped. Betrayal only stings when you care for the person on the other end of it. They hurt too…..so give them some time.”

“I don’t think I have any left to spare Gordo. Not while Robbie is out there in the dark alone.”

“Then let me make you a promise Kelly. We will get him back. You and I, you hear me. And maybe not today, maybe not next week, but soon.” He stopped for a moment, almost hesitant to go on. “ But… we don’t have to do this alone you know?”

“I can’t…. I can’t ask.”

“Then let me do the asking. Joe, Carter, Elizabeth, Mark, Jesse, the boys-they will all be there for you, for him. In time, they will all be there.”

Kelly noticed the omission; the silence a living thing moving between them, taking up space, sucking all the oxygen from tepid air. Gordo didn’t mention Ox, so neither would Kelly. He could no more put Ox in the middle of this mess than Gordo could. He wouldn’t make him chose a side when everything went to hell. And the others, well he wasn’t sure he was ready to let them in yet-their own choices be damned.

“ If things with Joe go south and the rest never come around? What then, Gordo?”

“We’ll figure it out.”

“But it’s still you and me, right?” Kelly battled the doubt and fear to find his faith again. Gordo had a funny way of making him believe.

“Of course. We’re a team kid. What could possibly go wrong?”

“Umm, we could lose a limb, or our minds Gordo.”

“Losing a limb is not that bad. Look at me…I only need one good hand to knock some sense into you. And losing our minds…..well …we’re kind of half way there already aren’t we?”

“We could also like, you know…..die and stuff.”

“Ehhh. Yeah maybe, but we will look spectacular doing it. Blaze of glory and all that. Gorgeous corpses we’d make. Besides after all the shit we survived so far, I guarantee death is gonna think twice before coming for us again. “

“That’s not how it works. That’s not how any of it works.”

“Smartass.”

“Grumpy old man.”

“Yeah, yeah, I love you too. Now get some rest so we can get a good start on it tomorrow.”

“Yes dad.”

He thought maybe Gordo warmed at his last words but would never truly know because he was already moving off into the night, his heartbeat fading from raucous rock anthem to dulcet lullaby as space and time divided them. But not for long… no not for long. He wasn’t alone anymore.

His body sang at the revelation. Tomorrow would be a better day because together they would make it so.

Chapter Text

It was an assault on all his senses; the musty smell of old parchment, the oily tang of half-faded ink. The space felt heavy with the weight of remembrance. He wondered if he listened hard enough, if perhaps he would still hear the echo of his father’s deep timber filling the space with warmth.

But hope and light were fair weather friends, abandoning him when he needed them most. Now, now it just hurt to be here. His father’s office seemed darker; shade and shadow filling every space, inking over the best memories with the tar and pitch of the worst. If he had Robbie’s light to warm and guide him, he would feel braver; but Robbie was gone.

Robbie was gone, and he’d been living his life in the grey. There was no green relief, no yellow warmth, or red fire. That is why the bright hues that painted the room hurt to look at now. So many stories told, so much joy, so much life, was infused into every photo that lined shelf and wall.  And even though it stung, he still couldn’t help but seek out the bright green of Robbie’s eyes, the green teeming with mischief and laughter that offered the promise of better tomorrows. But memory was a persistent ghost that haunted Kelly’s every waking hour. And gods how that had the power to hurt.

And hurt he did; from head, to heart, to tiny toe. And in that moment, he was not sure what ached more, his battered soul or his tender spine. The hard wood of the antique chair he was sitting on was digging into his back with splintery talons. The deep thrum of pain that ran along vertebral column only served to remind him he was too old now to be sleeping comfortably beneath the light of distant stars. His night had been rough in more ways than one.

He had wanted to turn wolf, wanted to run and run until the world with all its troubles disappeared beyond the horizon line. It would have been so easy to let his shift consume him, let it numb the pain, dull every sharp memory; but he feared there would be no coming back. His mother had lost herself for months to her grief. He couldn’t do the same.

Instead, his lanky human limbs had carried him over field and fallow, and under forest canopy until he was too wearied to go further. He settled beneath the twisted sheltering limbs of Robbie’s favorite tree where they had experienced so many firsts together; but its ancient presence offered little comfort. What sleep he did claim came at a steep price--gnashing teeth and bloodied claw turning dream to nightmare. He awoke to the dawn chorus still feeling gutted and hollow. As he made the march back towards home, he had to remind himself he had a job to do, a promise to keep…to Robbie…to Gordo….to himself.

He had a plan, though maybe not a good one. Joe was part of that plan, so here he was waiting and wishing.  He hoped with everything he was that this time he would be wrong, about Joe, about his pack, about everything. But Kelly was rarely wrong---about anything.

Even before he caught his scent, he could feel Joe. He was a specter floating at the edge of Kelly’s consciousness whispering words of love and sorrow to his soul. He said BrotherPackLove . He said You are safe, You are mine, You are loved. And Kelly wanted to believe, but too much had already happened, too much had already been said, so he surrendered hope instead.

Soon after, that strange heady smell of salty earth and burnt ozone that was all Joe saturated the air and made him feel light headed. Joe’s heartbeat was wild; a hummingbird fluttering, a jackhammer tearing through concrete and earth. And Kelly knew….knew what Joe was going to say even before breath expelled from lungs. He hoped for the best, but braced himself anyways for words sure to burn through him like battery acid.

There was hesitation at least, a waver in voice, but Kelly knew that meant pain was coming for him. And Joe for his part, certainly didn’t disappoint when he said, “You want me to trust Robbie, or my memory of him at least, over what I saw with my own eyes. I don’t know if I can do that.” Joe’s tone was so matter of fact, laced with ice instead of fire, that it took Kelly a moment to register his words at all.

And then, every word was like shrapnel tearing away at what was left of his battered defenses. The burn and bleed were deep. Kelly barely had the resolve to respond, but his unchecked ire and spite made him lose himself. His body was rigid, his words clipped. The pain of his sharp nails cutting into his own flesh was the only thing keeping him anchored as he said, “You weren’t there to see anything. You don’t know, Joe. You don’t know!”

Joe could hear the bitter ache beneath the vinegar and venom. It made Joe’s scowl fall away, his features losing their hard edge. The heartache in Joe’s own voice matched Kelly’s in kind. It was a tangible thing with teeth that cut to bone. He was sorrow, he was whisper, he was smoke as he said, “No, Kelly, I wasn’t there, but I felt it. All of it. How can you ask me to trust him after that?”  

It was as if a bloom of jellyfish had surrounded Kelly, their angry stinging tentacles needling sensitive flesh. The pain was so acute, thought evaporated like smoke into the ether. He had to take in a deep breath to center himself before he could find words to respond. “No…Joe. That’s not what I’m asking. Me…..I want you to trust in me. Why won’t you listen? Why can’t you…”

“ I do Kelly. I have always trusted in you; in your goodness, your patience, your strength. You are my brother. But….”

And oh, how reality and truth were bitter pills to swallow. It tasted acrid on tongue even as it came unbidden from taut lips. “But you can’t trust in me about this?” He spoke as if he were asking a question even though every part of him knew Joe’s answer already.   

“I want to Kelly. Gods I want to so badly. You have to know that.”

And Kelly’s own truth, so freely given; “I feel like I don’t know anything anymore Joe.”

And with that statement, Joe was looking at him as if he was something fragile. “I love you Kelly, but sometimes I don’t understand you.”

People rarely did. Kelly knew he was different, different in the way he viewed the world, different in the way he moved through it. He loved his brothers with all that he was, but he would never be like them. He was careful, he was the slow steady beat of an autumn rain, while they were reckless abandon, the quick flash of lightning.  They were quick to act, quick to react.

Kelly understood---always had, always would. He knew it was circumstance and memory that had shaped them, broken them apart to build something new. Carter was all muscle and grit, bravado and wit, but when he was still new, still glowed with the green hues of spring and relief, the world took from him. Carter said he didn’t remember when the hunters came, didn’t remember the pain and fear that seeped into the earth, that painted the dust and clay in shades of red. But Kelly still hears it in his song; the deep blue of loss and longing. Carter says he doesn’t know what Kelly is talking about and buries every bruise, every raw hurt, beneath layers of quicksilver and rage.

And Joe…oh Gods Joe…

His anger was a silent quivering thing.

So yes, Kelly still understands their fire, their rage. But it is something he rarely holds. It burns too much. It takes too much time, too much energy, too much more than he has to give. It sucks up every ounce of oxygen until there is nothing left in lungs. It would take all of him if he let it. But when it does come, it creeps slowly over him like frost across barren field. While Carter and Joe burn fast and furious until there is nothing left to feed the flame, Kelly is glowing ember floating on the wind waiting to find purchase. And oh, when he does, when he finally lands, he sets the whole world aflame.

And oh gods, his whole world was ablaze now, and while Joe’s spark was dimming, Kelly was burning bright like a star gone super nova. He had only felt this once before, this white-hot rage he could barely contain; when his father burned to ash and the smoke burned eyes and then stripped away everything he had been. And then there had been the road, the lonely road. He had let it make him callous; he had let it make him petty and mean.

But Kelly’s anger was still something so rarely experienced that Joe seemed to waver in his resolve. He sensed the danger simmering just below the calm even tones of voice. Joe’s own voice blinkered out of existence, his body stilled, as if he were a rabbit trying to evade the hungry wolf. In that moment he wasn’t an alpha; he was a younger brother trying so hard to earn favor and respect.

The silence was deafening.

And all Kelly wanted was for Joe to understand. He wanted him to see, to know; all the pain, all the loss, all the blinding fury that was slowly turning Kelly to cinder and ash. He didn’t need his alpha, he didn’t need pity nor platitudes- he needed his goddamn brother. So, Kelly told him so.

Every word sounded better in his head. He should have kept every angry syllable, every rancorous confabulation corralled in the deepest corners of his mind behind the walls he had spent days constructing. And his eyes, his eyes were a storm cloud horizon battling turbulent sea. He hoped they were equal parts bitter and biting, but feared they revealed his every tender grief. He did his best to hold back the flood because he refused to give up a single tear to Joe, but they came anyway like a tide rising to spill across parched earth.

Joe at least had the common courtesy to allow Kelly time to compose himself. But the reticence was now an awkward thing taking up space, working to fracture and divide them. Kelly, who never had to be careful with how he spoke while in the company of his brothers, now found himself afraid to say anything at all. He had to choose his next words carefully because Robbie’s future might just depend on it.  

“If you had been there…Gods Joe, you would know there was a void where there used to be light and life. It felt wrong, all of it so damn wrong. The sour fetid smell of magic stuck to him and his eyes….. Gods Joe they were so vacant, so cold. That wasn’t Robbie and I think part of you knows it.”

“Maybe….but none of that matters right now. I’m sorry Kelly…so, so sorry. For your loss. For ours. But…” And it wasn’t a lie, his heartbeat said as much, but it wasn’t what Kelly wanted to hear in that moment either.

Kelly couldn’t help the look of betrayal that clouded his features. “Don’t you finish that sentence, Joe. Please don’t say it. You can never take it back if you do.”

It was a plea, a melancholy song so desperate, Joe could barely stand to look at his brother. But Joe had a job to do, an entire pack to keep and protect. Once upon a time he had been naïve enough to think he could save everyone, leave no man behind, but in time he learned he couldn’t put the needs of the few before the needs of the many, even if it was his own damn brother that paid the price. Guilt, regret, sympathy-all sacrifices burned at the altar of ruthless responsibility. Once again Joe had no time to mourn, and he definitely had no time to process someone else’s grief.

Words held power, and he knew even before he spoke them, Kelly would be crushed under their weight.  He wanted to be sorry for it, sorry for it all, but he didn’t have time for contrition. He wouldn’t betray those thoughts to Kelly though so he did his best to enact a doleful tone as he said, “I’m sorry Kelly, but the answer is no. I can’t help you right now. Tanner and Chris have to be my priority.”

“ No…no? What are you saying no to when I haven’t even asked the question yet. What I want isn’t unreasonable Joe. A few phone calls, a few words shared between packs, nothing more. I just need to know that somewhere out there he is okay.”

“I’m not inviting other packs into our problems Kelly. Everyone has enough to deal with after the Omega crisis. What happened with Robbie doesn’t leave Green Creek.”

“What are you afraid of Joe? That other packs will know we are vulnerable? Know we are human, are weak? Is your ego really that fragile Alpha of All?” Yes, Kelly knew how to make Joe bleed too. That is what it meant to be someone’s brother; you had the power to raze to the ground everything you helped build up in that person. Kelly had always known how to shake Joe’s confidence, how to break his spirit and bruise his pride, but he had never been callous enough to do it until now.

“Fuck you, Kelly.”

“That’s it Joe?  That’s all you got? You just pretend none of this ever happened? It’s that easy for you to erase Robbie from our lives? He’s my mate Joe and I know you know what it feels like to lose that connection. Just help me…please.”

“I wish I could Kelly. I wish I could offer you more. Offer you whatever you needed to make the world right again, but I have nothing left to give.”

“Damnit Joe…. when have I ever asked anything of you? From you? I followed you to hell and back, I followed you even when you broke the pack apart. I took your side, always your side, even when it cost me Carter’s respect, and my dignity. I fought along with you, and for you. Why can’t you do the same for me?”

Joe looked so sad, so young, so gutted as he broke Kelly’s heart again. “Do you think this is easy Kelly? I never wanted this. Any of this. Alpha was never my choice. I would love nothing more than to help out my brother, but I have a whole god damned pack to look out for. Chris and Tanner need me.”

“Robbie needs you. I need you.”

“Everyone fucking needs me. I never wanted this but it is mine all the same. I have to make the choices no one else will.”

“Always the martyr, aren’t you? Poor little Joe forced to shoulder the weight of all our sins.”

Joe looked as if he had been physically struck. Kelly, quiet thoughtful Kelly, had never spoken to him with such enmity before. Caught off guard, Joe barely knew how to respond and the most he could muster was a weak, “That’s not fair Kelly, and you know it.” He hated that Kelly still had the power to turn him into a petulant child.

“You’re right. Its not fair. None of this is fair. I wish things were different. I wish I didn’t have to ask this of you, but I can’t, I can’t do this without you, without the pack. Please…”

“I’m s…”

“I know…. You’re sorry. I got it. And I get it. I do. You and Robbie didn’t have the best start. You…” But Kelly couldn’t finish what he had to say because thinking on the past hurt too much. He had thought it was just about Ox at first; Joe’s fiery jealousy and Robbie’s initial dislike of the alpha. But then Robbie had told him how he had floated from pack to pack, always searching, wanting, yearning for a home that seemed just beyond his reach. He told Kelly that he could never understand how Joe could just give that up like it was nothing. There had been anger and distrust on both sides, but time and circumstance had worked to erase all but the very deepest of hurts. Before Robbie had disappeared, Joe had called him brother. Kelly didn’t know what they were now. 

He wanted so badly to be furious, to be mean and pointed with his words, but Kelly understood anger was a live wire; it shocks you awake, boils blood in vein, but in the end only leaves you feeling numb. Sorrow however was endless, relentless, and Kelly knew he would drown in every shade of it before the day was done.

And Joe’s response made the last of Kelly’s rancor melt away, if only for a moment. “Kelly, he was my brother, same as you. I loved him and you know it.”

 When the words left Joe’s mouth Kelly couldn’t help but mourn. He didn’t doubt that Joe had loved Robbie, but what became of that love now? He had to know, so he asked, “If you truly cared about him then how could you think so little of him now? He didn’t betray us.”

“Then what Kelly? Explain it to me. It was his fang, his claw that ripped and rent into soft flesh. He took a life Kelly. There are so few of us left and he thought nothing of it as he took another wolf from this world.”

“And what, what if it had been Ox? Would you have done so little then?”

“Its not the same and you know it?”

“Not the same? Elaborate Joe. How is it really so different?”

“It’s not Kelly. Never mind.”

“No Joe. You don’t get to do that. Not now. Your claws are already out so spare me the niceties.  Say what you were going to say. “

“It’s not the same because Robbie and Ox are not the same. Ox…Ox, he would never do this. Not to Chris, not to Tanner, not to pack.”

Kelly, who was usually so hard to read, knew he was now broadcasting everything loud and clear. It was in every stilted movement, every jagged breath. It was ruination and agony so raw it consumed everything. Kelly knew the moment Joe too was decimated by the force of it. He could see it in the shadow play behind iris, could hear it in the ragged labored way Joe’s heart stuttered, and could feel it tear at the threads that bound them together. For a moment he wondered what the rest of the pack felt, and then the world went grey around the edges and he stopped feeling anything at all.

No, it wasn’t right. It wasn’t right. And then the memories were coming unbidden, a flood of light and color, scent and sound.

He was on the road again, far away from the verdant forests of Green Creek. He had been fighting with Carter, words barbed and fierce, let loose in an angry barrage. Carter always knew how to make him bleed, how to strip him bare with only a few whispered words. And really hadn’t he always been right, been honest; he had been the first born and Joe had been Daddy’s little boy, but Kelly would always be the one searching- for how he fit, for where he belonged. And what Kelly heard leave Carter’s lips all those years ago, what echoed across time and space to haunt him still was... “You are nothing …nothing Kelly.” He felt like nothing now; helpless and hopeless.

Shortly after Carter’s words there had been fists, and claws, and stinging flesh. There were bruised egos and broken bones. And then, then there was a warm flash of scarlet, a pulse of electric power that made raven’s wings flutter and wolves’ skin crawl and shutter.

Joe had been a force; raw, dynamic, all consuming. He had said enough and the whole world stopped, took notice, changed. It hadn’t exactly been fear Kelly had felt in that moment (although his trembling limbs and pained whimpers worked to paint that very picture) but a sickening impotence that vexed and tormented.

But it was different then. Then he could forgive, then he could empathize, could understand. He hadn’t yet been changed by the road, scarred by time and circumstance. He had been young, forgiving, and naïve---so horribly naive. All he knew in that moment was Joe had been scared and hurting, so he had gone to him without judgement or malice.

But not now. How dare Joe strip him of his agency again. How dare he take what little Kelly had left of himself. He didn’t get to do that----take everything away---the bad and the good in equal measure.

"Fuck…I’m sor…..Damnit Kelly, you were hurting and I just wanted to make it go away, to strip you of the grief, because I do understand.”

“Do you? Because if you did, if you well and truly did….you wouldn’t take from me.”

“Of course I understand. I know what its like to be separated from my mate too remember?”

“You can Joe, make it go away I mean. But not like that….never like that. Just help me. Help me find him. Help me bring him home.”

“I’m sorry.”

Kelly wondered if he was going to have to start counting every empty apology. Every sorry, no matter how sincere, was still a no, a denial, an erasure, an end. If they had been keeping score, tallying every hurt, Kelly knew who the victor would be. And if Joe told him sorry one more time, he feared what he might do.

He couldn’t be here anymore. He had to get out, get away. Kelly had never been known to choose flight, but in that moment, he no longer had any fight left in him. He hated the idea of leaving with his tail tucked between his legs, but it was time. Time to be done with the game of chess he was so terribly playing, time to be done with the dance for which he was falling so out of step. And he wished so desperately he had more to show for it all then just his own broken heart. So, he would go. He would run until limbs ached and then he would lick his wounds and get on with things.

But Joe…Joe wouldn’t fucking let him. Joe grabbed at him with clumsy limbs-tried to stop him with even clumsier words. “Wait Kelly. Don’t go. This isn’t finished yet. We’re not finished yet.”

“That sounds like a threat Joe.” And it wasn’t fear that shone in Kelly’s eyes as he said it, but doubt and desolation. And it wasn’t terror that marked every tremble, but exhaustion and defeat. 

Joe surprised by the accusation startled and stumbled over his next words. “What? No-that’s not what this is Kelly. I just want us to be okay-for things between us to be right again.” And with that Joe’s grip tightened and he pulled Kelly into a hug as if a brief moment of tenderness could somehow work to erase all the sour words and fiery indignation that came before.

And for a moment, just one brief second suspended in time, Kelly felt warm and safe again. He felt the world with all its vengeance and spite melt away around him. He felt unburdened and light; free of every sin, every misstep, every misdeed massive or meager. He wanted to be angry with Joe again, but he couldn’t in the end. Joe wasn’t imposing his will this time, wasn’t manipulating Kelly, but giving over all of himself instead. The threads that bound them sang and thrummed with the promise of reprieve. 

But it didn’t matter. It was too late. So when Joe said,” Please Kelly, stay,” Kelly had nothing left to say but, “I’m sorry Joe.” And oh how he hated those words----they felt heavy, tasted caustic and briny on tongue. But he was, wasn’t he---Sorry? Sorry that Robbie was gone. Sorry that everything with Joe went to shit. And above all else, sorry that he had been right…..about Joe, about his pack, about everything.

No dammit, he wouldn’t do this to himself. He had to ask himself WWGD (what would Gordo do?). Gordo certainly wouldn’t whine, wouldn’t apologize, wouldn’t surrender. Gordo would tell sorry to go fuck itself. Kelly was thinking maybe he ought to start taking Gordo’s advice because playing nice was getting him nowhere fast. He had to stop moving sideways, stop dancing around the hard things, stop looking back. He had nowhere to go but forward, one small step at a time.

And he would start now. Every instinct was telling him to turn wolf, to run; away from every sour look, every word of disappointment, every problem he didn’t know how to solve. But he wouldn’t, couldn’t run anymore. So, he let go of Joe, of his hurt, and walked out the door with his head held high and weighty words delivered; simple yet devastating in their finality…… Good Bye Joe.

And it may have sounded like the last words of the final chapter, seemed like the final act of the play in which he wanted no part; but Kelly knew it wasn’t the end…not really. No, he wasn’t finished yet, only delayed. His journey might look different now; different faces, different destination---but as long as he was still drawing breath, he would see it, live it, to its very end.