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Mu Qing has always been a light sleeper, so it’s not unusual that something has awoken him in the middle of the night again—the same scenario has been repeating over and over again his entire life, and at this point he’s used to it.
What is unusual, however, is the sound that startled Mu Qing awake. There’s a storm going on outside—it had started before Mu Qing went to bed—and every once in a while the sound of thunder reaches his ears.
But apart from that, there’s a strange sound much closer, coming from somewhere within Mu Qing’s apartment. It sounds almost like whining, as if a scared animal was taking shelter inside.
Confused, Mu Qing slowly gets up and puts his slippers on, briefly wondering whether he should find anything that can serve as a weapon, just in case he has to defend himself.
Then, he notices that the bed is empty—normally, Feng Xin sleeps right next to Mu Qing, taking up most of the space, but for some reason he isn’t there right now.
It only takes a few seconds for the dots to connect in his brain—if Feng Xin is gone, then he must be the source of the very sounds that woke Mu Qing up.
Okay, rude. What business does Feng Xin have interrupting Mu Qing’s beauty sleep? He knows damn well how important rest is for Mu Qing.
Another… whine? comes from somewhere within the apartment, making Mu Qing jump.
His heart skips a beat. Feng Xin sounds extremely distressed and frightened, to say the least, and the realization makes Mu Qing’s stomach turn. Perhaps it’s not fair at all for him to immediately assume that Feng Xin has ill intentions and that he’s doing this on purpose.
The irritation stirring in him is quickly replaced by worry, and before Mu Qing knows it he’s already looking for Feng Xin.
Their apartment is on the smaller side, so after a short while Mu Qing is standing in front of the closed bathroom door from behind which he can now clearly hear Feng Xin’s cries. The sounds of thunder are more muffled here, but they still accompany Mu Qing’s frantic heartbeat, making him even more stressed out.
He gently knocks on the door, listening for any reaction from Feng Xin.
Silence.
He knocks again, thinking that maybe Feng Xin couldn’t hear him over the thunder.
Silence.
Mu Qing bites down on his lip hard enough to draw blood, and only realizes once he can taste it in his mouth.
“Feng Xin?” he tries, raising his voice, but not yelling, afraid to scare his boyfriend even more.
No reply comes from the other side.
Is Mu Qing supposed to just stand here until Feng Xin decides to come out and explain his behavior?
No, there’s no way he’s doing that.
“I swear, if you don’t open the door right now, I’m going to break it down!” he exclaims, his emotions getting the best of him.
He curses under his breath, regretting the words almost immediately. Something bad has clearly happened to Feng Xin, and Mu Qing’s anger isn’t going to help either of them. If anything, it will only make Feng Xin less likely to open that damn door.
Mu Qing is about to apologize for his outburst when the door creaks open, causing him to jump a little in surprise.
He slowly peeks inside, careful not to startle Feng Xin.
He doesn’t see Feng Xin at first because the bathroom is pitch black. His first instinct is to turn the lights on, but then he realizes that Feng Xin must’ve chosen to keep them turned off for a reason. It’s probably better to just leave it as it is for now.
The cries have subsided, as if Feng Xin was afraid to show his vulnerability in front of Mu Qing. Still, he doesn’t say anything or attempt to find Mu Qing in the darkness.
“Feng Xin? Where are you?” Mu Qing asks, distress seeping into his voice.
A few seconds pass before he finally hears Feng Xin speak.
“In the far right corner, by the bathtub,” Feng Xin answers quietly, almost inaudibly.
Immediately, it feels like a weight has been lifted off Mu Qing’s shoulders.
He begins walking towards Feng Xin, using his hands to feel around his surroundings in the dark. His eyes slowly adjust to the lack of light, enough to allow him to see Feng Xin in the corner, curled up on the floor. He’s brought his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around them, as if trying to make himself smaller.
The sight breaks Mu Qing’s heart.
He kneels down next to Feng Xin, unsure whether he should comfort him, touch him or just be next to him and offer some reassurance with his presence.
Eventually, he settles on touching Feng Xin’s shoulder lightly. The latter lets out a surprised squeak, causing Mu Qing to snatch his hand back.
Okay, that wasn’t the best idea. Guilt fills Mu Qing’s heart instantly. He’s… not good at this—at recognizing what it is that other people need, and what he’s allowed to do in order to help them. He doesn’t want to scare Feng Xin, but he also doesn’t want to leave him in this state.
“No, I–” Feng Xin starts, and then cuts himself off, embarrassed. He takes a long, shaky breath before starting to speak again. “I-I don’t mind you touching me.”
Mu Qing nods, even though Feng Xin can’t see it—he’s staring at his knees, refusing to meet Mu Qing’s worried gaze.
He reaches out to place his hand on Feng Xin’s arm again. This time, Feng Xin doesn’t react at all.
“What’s wrong? Why did you come here?” Mu Qing asks, but before Feng Xin can reply, the thunder pierces the silence between them again.
Feng Xin lets out a small whimper and hides his face in his knees. His body begins to tremble, and Mu Qing instinctively tightens his grip on Feng Xin’s shoulder.
Understanding begins to wash over him like a tidal wave.
It seems that Feng Xin is… afraid of thunder? Or, more accurately, of storms?
They’ve been dating for a few months, but Feng Xin has never mentioned this; Mu Qing has never seen him like this before, either. He isn’t entirely sure what to do with his realization.
“You’re okay,” Mu Qing whispers, placing his other hand on Feng Xin’s knee and beginning to draw soothing circles on his skin. “I’m right here by your side. Nothing’s going to hurt you.”
Truthfully, he doesn’t know if his words are helping Feng Xin at all. His boyfriend is still trembling, and with each passing second Mu Qing feels more helpless. And, most of all, he feels stupid. He should know how to make his partner feel better, right? It should be obvious to him, instinctual. So why is he still being so damn useless?
“Tell me what I can do for you,” he says, pleads.
It pains him beyond words to see Feng Xin like this—so terrified and ashamed of his fear at the same time. He’s clearly trying to control the small sobs escaping his lips, as if afraid that Mu Qing will ridicule him for crying. Of course, Mu Qing would never do such a cruel thing.
The thunder can be heard again, but it seems further away now. Mu Qing hopes with all of his being that the storm will end soon, and Feng Xin will agree to come back to bed with him.
“I-I’m sorry,” Feng Xin whispers suddenly, and for a short while Mu Qing thinks that he’s imagined it.
“You’re sorry?” he asks, perplexed.
Feng Xin nods.
“But you didn’t do anything wrong, love. I’m not angry at you.”
The nickname slips out without Mu Qing fully realizing it, and it makes his cheeks flush stupidly; he’s glad that it’s too dark in the bathroom for his blush to be noticeable.
He instantly expects to get laughed at, but Feng Xin doesn’t seem to have even noticed the use of the nickname. Mu Qing takes a deep breath. It’s fine, he tells himself. It’s completely normal that he’s beyond embarrassed for using a cute nickname that some couples use on a daily basis, even when the entire situation isn’t about him and he doesn’t get to feel bad right now. It’s stupid to focus on himself, even for a few seconds, when it’s Feng Xin who needs the attention.
Unexpectedly, Feng Xin’s voice pulls Mu Qing out of his spiraling thoughts.
“I woke you up in the middle of the night, and now you’re worrying about me. You should just go back to sleep.”
Mu Qing stares at his boyfriend in disbelief. Does he seriously think that Mu Qing would rather be sleeping soundly right now while Feng Xin cries his eyes out in the bathroom? Does he think Mu Qing would even be capable of sleeping, knowing that Feng Xin is hurting? Sure, maybe he would’ve done that back when they had still loathed each other, but definitely not now.
“Don’t be stupid,” he replies, trying his best to keep his voice steady and calm. “I just want to help you feel better.”
Feng Xin nods again in acknowledgement. A few minutes of silence pass; Feng Xin seems to be thinking hard about something, and Mu Qing chooses not to interrupt him. He simply continues drawing soothing patterns on Feng Xin’s skin, silently hoping that it offers the latter at least some comfort.
Feng Xin takes a deep breath before speaking, having seemingly made up his mind.
“Can you… hold me? Please?”
His voice is so shy, so uncertain; it makes Mu Qing want to cry.
Feng Xin is asking such a small thing of him, a favor so easy and simple. He wishes he could do more—that he could make all of Feng Xin’s fears go away in an instant with just his touch or a few sweet words.
He moves to properly sit down on the floor and wraps both of his arms around Feng Xin—a little awkwardly, considering that Feng Xin is still sitting with his knees brought all the way to his chest—and begins slowly rocking their bodies back and forth. Feng Xin shivers in his embrace and scoots a bit closer until his head is pressed against Mu Qing’s chest.
“I… I’m not the biggest fan of storms,” Feng Xin whispers into Mu Qing’s pajama shirt.
Mu Qing lets out a soft chuckle. It helps slightly ease the tension in the air. “Yeah, I figured.”
Then, after a moment, he adds: “It’s okay. I’m not going to judge you for it or anything.”
He can’t even begin to imagine judging Feng Xin for his fear, when Feng Xin never seriously makes fun of Mu Qing for hating spiders and having him take them outside as soon as possible. Sure, Feng Xin may tease Mu Qing sometimes, but that’s all it is—silly jokes and banter.
At the end of the day, they’re always there for each other whenever one of them needs comfort or support.
Feng Xin doesn’t say anything else, and eventually the trembling of his body subsides. He stays unmoving, though, evidently finding some sort of comfort in Mu Qing’s arms. The storm outside seems to be ending, as well—much to Mu Qing’s relief.
Perhaps he isn’t as useless at helping his boyfriend as he had initially believed; if Feng Xin feels a bit better, that’s all Mu Qing cares about. Still, he wishes he could do more. He wishes he just knew all the right things to do.
At least Mu Qing woke up in time to help Feng Xin; he can’t stomach the thought of continuing to sleep while Feng Xin breaks down on the bathroom floor, alone and frightened.
He begins humming an old lullaby at some point, one that his mother used to sing for him whenever he was afraid of something as a child. He still remembers the words after all these years, and he remembers that his mother’s soothing voice always helped him calm down; hopefully, his own singing will do the same for Feng Xin.
“That was beautiful,” Feng Xin whispers once Mu Qing is done, causing the latter to blush yet again. He doesn’t think there was anything particularly beautiful about his singing, but if it helped Feng Xin, that’s all that matters.
“You should’ve told me you were afraid of storms,” Mu Qing responds instead, brushing Feng Xin’s compliment aside. If he had known about his partner’s fear before, he wouldn’t have gone to sleep at all with the storm outside.
Feng Xin shakes his head. “I didn’t want to. It’s… childish. I was sure you would think so, too.”
Mu Qing gives him another long, incredulous glare, even though Feng Xin is still looking away. “Stop saying that. It’s not childish, and it angers me that you think this way.”
Annoyance gets the best of him, causing his voice to rise a little against his will, but he does the best to push it down again. The last thing he wants right now is to make Feng Xin feel bad.
Mu Qing takes a deep breath to calm himself down, and the feeling slowly goes away.
Feng Xin’s eyes snap back to him, widening a little in surprise. “Really?”
“Do you think I have nothing better to do than lie to you in the middle of the night for no reason?”
Feng Xin seems to consider Mu Qing’s words for a couple seconds. “Alright... If you say so. It’s just that… I have some unpleasant memories connected with storms and thunder. I shouldn’t be letting it still get to me after years.”
“You don’t have to explain,” Mu Qing responds, making sure his voice is softer now. “I’ll never judge you for having a specific fear, no matter how stupid you may think it is. End of story.”
Then, he slowly lets go of Feng Xin and gets up from the floor. It feels like an eternity has passed; the only sign that it hasn’t been very long is the darkness still filling their apartment. They may still be able to get some sleep before the sunrise.
Feng Xin gets up as well. A groan escapes his lips; Mu Qing has no idea how many hours he spent curled up on the cold tiles, but it must’ve made him feel extremely sore. He can only imagine how much Feng Xin’s legs hurt, when there’s already a dull ache in his own.
“Do you think you’ll be able to go back to sleep?” Mu Qing asks, taking Feng Xin’s hand and lacing their fingers together before leading Feng Xin out of the bathroom.
Feng Xin nods. “I’m really tired. I was hoping I could sleep through the storm, but I laid down for maybe ten minutes before my fear got the best of me…”
Mu Qing pulls Feng Xin into the bedroom and sits down on his side of the bed. The bedsheets are still rumpled from when he jumped out to investigate the strange sounds.
It seems almost funny now that he wanted to bring a weapon, just in case; though—if he were able to do so—he would fight the storm for the distress it had put Feng Xin through.
Feng Xin is still standing by the bed, as if wondering whether he deserves to sleep after being the reason for Mu Qing’s own rest getting cut short.
“It’s all okay now. You can relax,” Mu Qing reminds him quietly, hoping that Feng Xin will finally stop blaming himself.
After a few seconds, Feng Xin sits down next to Mu Qing. He puts his hand on top of Mu Qing’s—an unexpected gesture that makes Mu Qing shiver, but not in an unpleasant way. He’s glad Feng Xin feels good enough to show him some affection.
The moment of bliss is gone as soon as it came when Feng Xin opens his mouth.
“Sorr—“
It takes everything in Mu Qing to keep his voice level and not let his irritation get the best of him; his signature eye roll will have to be enough to convey his annoyance. “Don’t you dare say that again.”
And with that, he pulls his hand away and lies down on his side of the bed, silently praying that Feng Xin will do the same without arguing. He really won’t be able to control himself if he hears the word “sorry” one more time. Feng Xin has nothing to apologize for, really. If anything, it’s Mu Qing who should apologize for not being able to help straight away.
At last, Feng Xin lies down next to him and wraps his arm around Mu Qing, the way he always does when they finally go to bed. Everything about it just… feels right, as if it wasn’t roughly four in the morning. As if Mu Qing didn’t just spend several minutes, if not hours, desperately trying to comfort Feng Xin.
His eyes begin to shut, but there’s still one thing he wants to say before he falls asleep.
“Just… wake me up next time, yeah? You don’t have to go through this alone.”
Mu Qing hopes the tone of his voice conveys just how serious and sincere he is. It doesn’t matter if he’s tired, if it’s the middle of the night or if they got into an argument a few hours before—he’s always willing to help Feng Xin, no matter what. He knows if he were in Feng Xin’s place, he would want someone to be there for him as well, though that seems too vulnerable to admit out loud.
Feng Xin lets out a small, surprised noise.
“Thank you,” he whispers. “That means a lot to me, really.”
Mu Qing allows the corners of his lips to rise in a tiny smile, even if Feng Xin can’t see it.
He falls asleep almost instantly, thinking about all the kisses and cuddles he’ll get from Feng Xin in the morning, and about how—despite the distress they both went through—he’s glad the bond between them is even tighter after tonight’s events.