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Sieun had never claimed to be religious.
In his experience, there's no omnipotent being that governed the laws of man. There was no karmic power that dished out justice, if not he wouldn't have needed to take matters into his own hands.
The bullying he's faced, the neglect from home, the dissolution of his friend group. If there really was a god somewhere manipulating these events, well there was no need to worship such a malevolent being.
But in this cold hospital room, he desperately wanted to believe in something . Anything that could bring the brightest person he'd ever known back to life.
Suho had been unconscious for several months now. Six months, thirteen days to be exact. Youngyi came by once in a while, whenever she could. No matter what she said, Sieun knew it wasn't easy on her seeing Suho so broken on his hospital bed. He understood why she didn't come often. Beomseok had fucked off to the Philippines or wherever his asshole dad had decided to send him to after spending a shit ton of money to put out the flames of the dumpster fire the fight had caused.
Sieun hadn't gotten away unscathed himself but he couldn't find it in him to complain. Not when he was still alive and breathing. Not when he could move around whenever he felt. Not when he could still go to school, albeit in another town after causing lasting injuries to everyone who hurt Suho.
At the time, it gave him satisfaction. He wanted to do worse, he wanted to put them in the same condition they put Suho in. He wanted them to lay on their beds, unresponsive to the world. He wanted their loved ones to cry and pray by their bedside everyday wishing for their recovery, just like Suho's poor grandma.
Above all, he just wanted to hear Suho's voice again.
It was the weekend once again and as always, he was by Suho's side, holding a book in one hand and holding Suho's hand in another.
He felt himself nodding off when the hand in his own twitched. He still didn't move after that. After all, he's had this dream multiple times. Suho wakes up, says some jokes and tells him to stop crying like he did in the first few months of Suho's coma. Just when he thinks he's happy, he's ripped away from his dream and back to reality. A reality where Suho is still unconscious.
“Sieun-ah, you must be asleep” Dream Suho's voice is raspy with disuse, unlike Sieun's other dreams.
‘Yes’ Sieun gulped. ‘I'm sleepy.’ He looked up to see the image of a smiling Suho and felt his heart clench. God, even in his dreams, the other boy was breathtaking.
“You really are a freak, you know that right? Reading at a sick person's side.” ‘Suho’ grinned, worsening Sieun's poor state of mind. His subconscious was so cruel to him.
“I'm sorry.” He said, squeezing the hand that was in his.
‘Suho’ blinked. “For what?”
“Just everything.” For getting him into this mess. For not being strong enough to protect him. For not realising he was in danger. For so much.
“Me too. I'm sorry.” Suho said, raising his free hand to caress Sieun's face. Usually the dream ends this way, then he's pulled back into reality. He nuzzled into the palm on his cheek, relishing the temporary warmth before it was inevitably taken away from him.
“Wow, Granny wasn't kidding. You must have really missed me.” Suho said, lifting his hand to ruffle Sieun's hair. He smirked at Sieun's confused look.
“Of course I missed you. How couldn't I miss you?” Sieun said honestly, making Suho choke on air. Sieun continued staring at the other boy, wondering when his dreams started evolving to include longer conversations.
“Wow! You really know how to make a guy blush, and to think Granny was so worried that you would be angry that she didn't tell you I had woken up already, you stoic guy.”
Sieun blinked. Then blinked again.
“What?”
“You didn't even flinch when I said your name
Wah I was expecting tears with the way Granny said you waited on me all these months but I should have known.” Suho huffed playfully and threw his head back on his pillow.
“This… isn't a dream?” Sieun said in a daze. He pinched himself to confirm but still didn't believe it. What if he ended up waking up and this turned out to be fake too?
“Uh no? You think this is a dream?” Suho scowled. Sieun watched in silence as Suho raised his hand again to touch his face.
“It always happens. You wake up and we're happy but then I wake up and you're still unconscious. I think I'm finally losing it.” Sieun replied, somehow still doubting the sight in front of him. Suho's eyes softened when the other boy's words sunk in.
“You've dreamt about me?” He asked gleefully. Sieun stared at him for a while before the tears started falling.
“Woah woah woah, why are you crying now?” Suho moved even closer to pull Sieun towards him. Thankfully he met zero resistance on Sieun's end and let him rest fully in his arms. “I'm okay, see? Don't cry.”
“You're so fucking stupid.” Sieun sobbed, shoulders trembling. He felt so small in Suho's arms, the other boy wondered how he'd never noticed it.
“I know.” Suho agreed.
“You're so reckless too. Do you know how worried your granny was? How scared we all are? Do you know?” Sieun continued, holding onto Suho's hospital gown like he was scared he would disappear.
“I know, I'm sorry. I won't do it again, I'll be careful from now I swear.” He promised, cleaning the tears falling on Sieun's cheeks. He let his hands absorb his warmth and sat in silence as the other boy cried his eyes out. Truthfully, his granny told him to call Sieun when she came by after he woke up for the first time but he decided to surprise him. He thought it would be fun to see his shocked face. Even now, he doesn't really regret his decision.
Afterall as much as he doesn't want to see Sieun in any type of pain, he can't deny just how pretty he looks while crying. A little perverse part of him was thrilled that someone other than his grandmother cared so much about him. He was even more thrilled that the person ended up being Sieun.
Quiet, cute Sieun who just wanted to mind his business and study. Warm hearted, considerate Sieun who bought him ox bone soup when he mentioned how he was craving it once. Nice, loyal Sieun who visited him every weekend according to his Granny, and spent his entire day by his side. Sieun. Sieun. Sieun. That was the name running through his mind since the moment he woke up. Said boy shifted his arms and Suho realised how uncomfortable he must have felt being squished in his arms like that.
“Ah I'm sorry, didn't realise I was squeezing you so tight. You should have said something, I'm sure I reek.” He moved to put some distance between them but Sieun held on to his arm. Tight.
“No.” He said resolutely.
Suho laughed. “You don't have to be so nice, I've been in this gown for a while, I probably smell like hospital.”
Sieun stared at him again, in that unnerving way of his. Suho liked to think he understood Sieun much better now. At least now, he could see the exact moment Sieun stopped contemplating what to do. What surprised him however was how he lurched foward and placed a kiss on his cheek.
Sieun had just kissed him.
“What…”
“I promised myself that if you ever woke up, I wouldn't hold back. I'd tell you that you were the best thing that ever happened to me. I'd tell you that you were my first real friend. I'd tell you that spending time with you became the highlight of my days. I'd tell you…” He paused to breath. “I'd tell you that it wasn't your fault. I'd tell you how much I missed you.”
Suho was still reeling from the sudden kiss and was struggling to process the sudden word vomit from the usual quiet boy.
“Suho-yah.” He said softly, pulling the other boy into another embrace.
“Yeah?” Suho answered, voice just as soft.
“When you weren't awake and I came to visit you, all I could think about was how vibrant you were. It felt unnatural seeing you so still. Even when you used to sleep in class, you were more active.”
“Just had to get that in, didn't you?” Suho joked, trying to lighten the mood but Sieun wasn't having it. Sieun pulled away from the hug to stare directly in Suho's eyes once again. Suho had half a mind to pull him into a kiss of his own.
“You don't get it, do you? Suho-yah. You're like the sun. You fill up a space with your energy and with you gone, everything was bleak.”
“Oh…” Suho wasn't sure how to respond to that. How do you respond to your crush technically telling you about how you light up his world?
“Sieun-ah. I feel the same way.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I missed you.” He used his thumb to gently stroke Sieun's cheek and was blessed with the most beautiful smile ever.
“Me too. I missed you, Suho-yah.”