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1. The first time
The first time Dean saw the blind boy he knew he was destined to fall for the shy creature. He also knew he would never be able to tell him, to work past the barriers that came from he not being able to see and Dean not being able to hear. There was no way to communicate.
2. The first time they kiss
Dean put his finger to Cas's lips, shushing the boy that was now a man. He was eighteen and the snow was falling from the gray sky.
Cas was a winter child. It was reflected in his ice blue eyes and the dark pitch of his hair.
He went to speak but Dean moved another finger to touch the lush bow and Cas stumbled on his words. Perhaps he breathed something but Dean would never know.
He leant in and replaced his fingers with his lips. Just a touch, a brush. Soft and warm and comfortable.
He pulled back then, loving the way Cas leant forward as if he missed the contact.
3. The first time Dean wonders
Dean watched the still boy across the cafeteria. He was tearing parts of a sandwich apart with his fingers. Castiel never seemed to put anything to his mouth that he wasn't exactly sure of the shape and texture of.
He was small and awkward and silent. Just like Dean was silent. Except the boy could speak if he wanted to. And he could hear.
Dean didn't speak anymore. Not since the fire. He couldn't hear what he was saying and thought perhaps his mouth would betray his thoughts so he stayed resolutely silent.
He couldn't speak. The boy couldn't sign.
Dean had never felt further away from anyone. He'd never felt less able to connect with another person.
Yet he desperately wanted to, because Castiel looked so small and so lonely.
He made his way over to Missouri. "What's wrong with him?" he asked in childish sign language. It was something that Dean was picking up now that his hearing had completely gone, but it was not easy for him.
"Castiel? Nothing is wrong," Missouri answered, a wistful smile on her face. "He is as he is."
"He looks sad."
"Castiel always looks sad."
4. The first time Castiel sees
Castiel gripped the harness tighter than he knew he should. He was nervous.
The dog growled.
"Shush boy," he tried and the animal turned to nuzzle his hand. When he growled again Castiel was sure the mutt was standing protective and ready to jump.
There are footsteps, taking a wide circle around the two of them until Dean laid a hand on Castiel's shoulder. He knew it was Dean. He always knew. The grip was overly firm, it wasn't just an attempt for attention. Dean held Castiel's shoulder as if he didn't want to let go.
Castiel reached a hand up and Dean talked to him in the only way he could.
"He doesn't like me."
Castiel felt the words signed against his skin.
"Then I don't like him either."
He couldn't say it in a way that Dean would understand. He knew Dean wouldn't let him give up his one chance at sight for him.
5. The first time they talk
Castiel was a quick learner. It seemed only natural being at a school for both deaf and blind children that he learnt how to communicate with everyone.
He tried sign language, but he was clumsy without his sight and he could never see the replies. He remembered when life was easier, before the school when he could see the colours of the world.
He tried slowing his speech, allowed others to lip read.
He tried braille. The bumps irritated his fingertips.
He tried tactile signing. Morse code and adapted ASL.
Most of all he tried to work out how to communicate with the shadow that sat to his left at lunch.
For so long Castiel was alone. Quiet and withdrawn it seemed as if the school swept by without him.
"Hello?" he asked one lunchtime as he heard the child beside him sucking at his juice box.
Child, he was sure, because adults made more noise than that. Adults had a larger aura.
No answer. But the boy could be deaf. He turned fully in the seat and raised a hand.
For a moment there was silence, a held breath and a thumping heart. Then the sound of cloth against wood as the other boy turned.
"My name is Castiel," he said, slowly, calmly, hoping his shadow could read his lips even if he couldn't hear his voice.
6. The first time they're alone
Dean had chosen the house. It was a little bungalow not far from town but he'd been told it was quiet enough that they could be out in the countryside.
As he walked through the rooms he thought of the ways he could modify it for Cas's aids. He pictured Samus asleep in a basket beside the fire.
There were no steps, no uneven floors. Cas was too good for that, but still Dean worried.
They moved into the house the first day they were out the boarding school. Missouri herself drove their meagre possessions over, smiling with pride as Dean gripped Cas's hand excitedly and lead him through the front door.
7. The first time Castiel leaves
Dean couldn't even remember what they'd been arguing about. Not after that look came onto Castiel's face. It was heartbreak and pain and loss.
Castiel was very good at mimicking the way sighted people's eyes moved.
Dean grabbed for him as he stepped away, but Castiel lashed out, knocking Dean back.
He turned his back on Dean, touching Samus's harness to let the animal know they were going.
Dean watched his retreating back and his chest clenched. He couldn't bear for Castiel to leave. Whatever the argument, whatever the difference between them.
He felt his throat work and for the first time in ten years he pushed air through his shaped vocal chords. "Cas."
8. The first time they communicate
Dean saw the words the boy was saying in the way his lips moved. He didn't understand the last word, the shape completely alien to him.
"Say that again," he signed before he realised that of course the boy couldn't see what he was saying.
He must have heard Dean's huff of hopelessness though as he reached for Dean's hand.
He painted a picture on Dean's skin with long thin fingers. Once, and then again in the same pattern. Dean almost recognised it as a form of ASL.
"What?" he signed against the boy's skin, but he didn't speak this strange language.
Patient still the boy drew out a word, each letter precise and perfectly shaped in his palm.
M. Y. N. A. M. E. I. S. C. A. S. T. I. E. L.
Castiel. The strange shape that Dean couldn't work out on Castiel's lips. The boy's name.
W. E. I. R. D. N. A. M. E. Dean replied to which Castiel laughed.
Dean wondered if the sound was as joyous as the expression.
9. The first time Dean meets Samus
Castiel dragged Dean to the kennels with the excuse that he needed someone to lead the way. Dean had heard it a thousand times by now, but he knew that Castiel just wanted a friend.
They spoke in lightning quick touches that nobody else in the world would ever understand. The language was theirs. Modified tactile signing, morse code, written language and some purely Dean Winchester additions.
Castiel had been disapproving at first that their sign for friend was a quick touch to a pulse point, but it made sense the more he'd thought of it, as most of Dean's ideas eventually did. He had a strange sort of logic the deaf boy.
"What happened to Ruby?" Dean asked as Castiel introduced him to Samus.
Cas shrugged, aware that Dean could see the gesture even if he couldn't.
"Castiel what did you do?"
"We didn't get along."
"Yes you did. Ruby and I didn't get along."
"Then we didn't get along either." He crouched to stroke Samus who shoved his nose at Dean's groin in hope of more petting.
10. The first time Cas hears of the sun
"I don't want to know," Cas said raising his face to the sun. It was a cold day, but he needed to at least try to feel the light breaking through the clouds.
"Hmm, well I thought you'd like to hear about that smile he gets at the very least. The one whenever you walk in the room. Lights up the place like a second sun. Never saw it before he met ya."
"Missouri please."
"Alright boy, but don't ever say I didn't try."
Cas turned to her, accepted her kisses as he always did. He'd been taller than her for years now but it still seemed odd to him, growing from a small sickly child to a man under her care and now out in the world.
"I never needed to know what Dean looked like," Cas tried to explain. "What does visual beauty mean to a blind man?"
Missouri chuckled to herself. "You are wise Cas. But I hope you realise what you do to him, truly I do. You make Dean shine boy."
11. The first time they touch
Dean wasn't afraid of the lightning. He watched the light flash across the sky but couldn't hear the grounds answering cry.
Castiel sat cross legged on his bed, Samus curled under the metal frame. His eyes were closed and he was steadfastly refused to leave. Not that Dean would ever kick him out, but he knew they'd get in trouble should Missouri come checking.
Another bolt flashed across the sky but Dean was looking at his friend. Castiel hunched in on himself as the light illuminated the dark room and then shuddered at what Dean assumed must be the silent thunder.
He walked over to the bed and pushed himself up beside Castiel, wrapping one arm around his shoulder.
"Hush Castiel," he signed on the boys shoulder. "The storm can't hurt us."
He gave Castiel's shoulder a push and the boy went easily, lying on his side so that Dean was wrapped around his back. He pulled the blanket over them both, enclosing them in a cocoon of warmth.
"It's ok. I'm here."
His hand brushed up and down Castiel's arm. Eventually the boy stilled.
12. The first time Dean leaves
This time Dean knew exactly what they were arguing about. It was two weeks after Castiel's birthday.
They'd kissed again. Dean had stolen a night in Cas's bed, kissing him long after dark but asking for nothing more.
They'd kissed the next morning and at hidden intervals between classes. They'd kissed as they commandeered an empty classroom at lunch and when they'd left early to head back to Dean's room.
"So you only want me when you can hide away?" Cas demands his fingers rough against Dean's skin.
"Cas? What the hell?"
"The hell, Dean, is that just because you are deaf to the world and I am blind doesn't mean we can hide."
"I'm not hiding."
"You hide everything Dean. From everybody but me. Maybe even from me."
Dean drew back, his hand leaving Cas's. For one moment he wished he could talk, so he could shout at Cas, pour out his pain and hurt.
But Dean had been silent for too long and even now he still struggled with letting another in. Cas was almost as much a part of himself as Dean's own mind, but he could still withdraw.
He took another step back before turning and leaving the blind man alone in the park.
13. The first time Cas fails
His eyes felt no different than normal. He could feel the beat of his lashes as he blinked. There was no pain, no sensation at all.
"I'm afraid the operation was not a success," the surgeon said. Cas imagined him wiping a hand across his face and looking truly sorry.
"I realise that," Cas answered him. He felt numb, empty where before there had been a small hope tucked away in the back of his heart, ignored and untouched.
He heard the doctor splutter an apology before he realised he'd been rude.
"Forgive me," he said rubbing at his eyes as if somehow that would bring his long lost sight back. He was weary, tired and he missed Dean. It had been a long few days in the UK. "I am merely tired and I miss my partner. Would it be alright if I returned home now?"
"Yes of course. But Castiel. I would like to try once more."
Cas stood, he wasn't sure he could stand the hope the doctor offered at that moment.
"No. Yes. Maybe. I need to go home first. I need..."
He left the last unsaid. Dean. He needed Dean.
14. The first time they love
The bungalow was tiny, but it had two bedrooms. One was set up for Cas, the other for Dean.
It took only a month for Cas's bed to be lost under piles of junk and clothes and books.
"Do you ever want more?" Cas asked Dean as they laid curled up in each other in the dark.
"More?" Cas blushed and Dean could just make out the colour in his cheeks in the filtered moonlight. "Of course I do Cas."
Cas pulled Dean's arm tighter around him and Dean wasn't sure if it was to keep him close or to stop him from doing anything more.
"Do you?"
Cas dipped his head, snuggling in as tight as their position in the bed would allow him. Dean could feel the heat in Cas's cheeks against his neck.
"Cas? Do you?"
When Cas didn't answer. Dean allowed him a moment before pushing him back and away so he could see his face. Cas moved back for more contact at once. He didn't need to look at Dean, his sight gone, but Dean needed to see the man.
"Cas?"
Cas kept his head down, avoiding Dean's eyes because even though he was blind he knew Dean saw something in the useless orbs. As far as Cas knew his eyes looked normal, moved normally and he was very good at faking sight. He'd discovered in the last three years that Dean loved his sightless eyes. He talked of the colour and the way Cas would look at him, even if he wasn't seeing him. Cas's eyes moved like Dean was the only beacon he could see.
Dean put a finger under his chin, moved his face up.
"Dean I..." Cas couldn't finish what he wanted to say. He didn't even know what he wanted to say now. Just that yes, he did want more, and that he'd wanted more since the moment he realised he loved the other boy at 16. It was a strange memory, one that raised many different feelings in Cas's chest.
"Cas."
The memory was an echo but Dean knew there was one way of getting to Cas that he rarely ever used.
"Cas?"
"I want everything," Cas signed against Dean's skin. Suddenly their own language felt so small, so inadequate. He wanted to say more, wanted to tell Dean of everything in his heart. There weren't words though, there weren't signs.
Dean knew this too.
He pushed Cas away and for a moment there was a horrifying loneliness before Dean swung a leg over his midriff and settled over his hips.
Cas gasped reaching up and up, lost in the darkness. Dean leant forward and Cas gripped his neck, brought him down for a bruising kiss.
"Dean," Cas gasped out, forming words against Dean's lips. There was no reply but then that wasn't the way they spoke. Cas pulled Dean's hand from his shirt as they continued to kiss. He held it down, spoke to him as he lost his breath and ability to speak aloud anyway.
"Dean I need more."
Dean grinned against his mouth and he twisted his hips, the pressure destroying any resistance left in Cas. He'd been scared, but now he knew it had to be like this. This was what he'd been asking for the last five years.
"More."
Their language was inadequate, but it was their own and they added to it what was needed.
15. The first time Cas falls
"Cas."
He stopped, unable to run away now. His throat closed up.
He'd never heard that voice before. It was rough and hesitant and perfect.
Cas turned, because he wanted to hear that voice again and he couldn't walk away from that sound.
"Dean?"
He held out a hand. Dean knew nothing of his words, but almost instantly a hand was slid into his.
"Dean?"
"Sorry Cas. Just sorry. I'm always sorry. Don't go ok?"
Cas reached forward, fitted his hand to the curve of Dean's shoulder before pulling him in. He was an idiot. He couldn't walk away from the other boy.
16. The first time Dean stays
Dean made it to the other side of the green before the weight of what he'd just done hit him square in the stomach. He almost stumbled, almost fell.
He'd left Cas, his Cas, alone in the middle of the park. Samus was at home, even Cas's white stick was in the car.
And for what? Because he'd questioned. Dean knew he should have stood his ground, should have stepped up and been the man Cas wanted him to be.
Memories of isolation and loneliness were so close though. He'd never wanted to break the social norm. Not being able to communicate as others did was one mark against him in the eyes of most of the world. Kissing a blind man would be another.
Now though he couldn't believe himself such a coward. It wasn't like he could even hear the laughter.
Dean was a quiet man. There were few people he actually cared enough to talk with, only a few who cared enough to learn Dean's language.
He signed with Missouri, his boss and colleagues Bobby, Jo and Rufus. Occasionally he'd go back to the school to help with the children. Then there was Cas.
Cas who was pretty much the only reason Dean had gotten this far. Cas who dragged Dean from his silence and taught him to hear in different ways, with his hands and his lips.
Dean almost twisted an ankle he turned so fast, running back across the park to find Cas standing exactly where he'd left him.
"Cas," he said not even sure if the name came out or whether it was an incoherent cry. Cas looked up, sightless eyes roaming the park before focussing on the sound of thundering footfalls.
Dean almost barrelled into him, wrapping his arms around the man.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
He kissed Cas's neck, needing to be closer.
"Dean it's ok," Cas replies coolly but Dean could feel his pulse hammering just like his own.
"No it's not. I don't hide anything Cas. You need to know that. I need you to know that. Not from you. Never from you."
17. The first time Dean tries
It was hard. Dean never had been interested in learning those skills Missouri told him were so important. He'd hated learning ASL, still wasn't perfect even if it was his only way to talk now that he no longer trusted his voice.
This was worse. ASL had been forced on him. This was a choice and Dean dreamed of giving up so often.
Castiel wouldn't let him.
The blind child had endless patience. He sat and he taught Dean signs against his palm.
It had been obvious very early on that Castiel wouldn't be the best teacher for Dean, that he needed the words written or signed so he could translate. Missouri had tried but Dean had never had the will with her.
So Castiel had taken over. Eight years old and determined.
Dean let the boy teach because he couldn't find it in himself to walk away from him.
The lessons are slow and frustrating. Castiel sat with a book of braille and Dean read the above translations as Cas then translated to tactile signage on his hand. Sometimes he wanted to run, sometimes to cry. Only Castiel kept him there.
Castiel was endlessly fascinating. He was small and awkward. He never spoke to the other students, never sought Dean out himself. He was a little introverted statue until Dean tapped him on the shoulder.
Missouri was worried about Castiel. Dean decided Castiel was fine. He just took a bit of getting used to.
"Dean?"
"What Cas?"
"It's almost lunch time."
"Good I'm starved."
And it was then that Dean realised he'd got it. Finally it had seemed natural to make the signs against Castiel's hand, second nature almost.
18. The first time Cas succeeds
Cas missed Dean.
It had been three months since he'd last heard his lover walking around their little house, letting Samson out when Cas couldn't be bothered to get up. Three months since he'd fallen asleep to Dean's lips on his shoulder. Three months since he'd spoken to Dean is their secret language.
Three months of exile chasing his pipe dream yet again.
The doctors were optimistic. They said he needed to give his brain time to recover the occipital cortex. The brain was plastic and now his retinas were sending signals to his gray matter they just needed to be reappropriated.
So Cas waited. And he missed Dean.
They said he may regain 35% of his vision.
Weeks had gone by and for the first time since the accident Cas was seeing colour.
"Remarkable," the doctor said when Cas finished his eye test.
"How much longer Doctor?"
"I don't know," the doctor confessed. "This could be it Castiel. Or you could regain a significant amount more. It's a waiting game now."
Castiel took a deep breath.
"There is a lot of research into just how neuroplastic the occipital cortex is," the Doctor continued. "But we just don't know enough yet. Some changes are reversible as you've already proved but maybe not all."
"Can you continue your research if I were to return home now?"
The doctor took a deep breath as well. Cas could see his blurred outline but he couldn't make out the look on his face. He guessed the doctor looks resigned.
"Yes Castiel. We can do 6 monthly tests from here on. Please though keep up updated."
The doctor handed Cas a folder of tests and notes for Cas to continue once he got back to America. Cas blinked his eyes, the darkness that came before the return of light strange to him still.
"Then I must get home to my partner. It has been too long."
"Yes. I understand. Thank you Castiel. You don't know how much these results mean to us here."
Cas smiled and held out his hand to the doctor. "You don't know what even this blurred and strange world means to me."
He caught the first flight back home he could get. The colours still caught him off guard, the way the world danced and changed before his eyes. He could make out the shapes of people, pillars and the bright lines on the floor showing him which way to go.
Home. The way home.
Cas pulled up in a cab when the sun was still high in the sky. He paid, finding the cabbies outstretched hand easily.
It was the first time he'd seen his house, the blur of white painted wood, green lawn and blue sky.
He had a headache. His mind still wasn't used to the world his eyes showed but it was getting better. That and he hadn't been able to sleep on the flight he'd been so excited.
He dropped his bags at the path, there would be time for them later.
Cas rang the doorbell. With any luck Samson would herd Dean towards the door. Sometimes Cas thought Samson was there as much for Dean as he was for him.
The door clicked and then opened.
Dean pulled it back and froze.
Cas would recognise him anywhere. He might have never seen Dean before but his fingers and his lips knew his shape, his height.
"Cas?"
"Hello Dean," he said hoping that just once Dean would read his lips and understand his hands were shaking too much to speak.
Trembling he reached forward. Dean was a blur of sun and green, beautiful in his slurred shape.
"Cas. Oh shit Cas."
Dean lunged forward, caught Cas in a hug that crushed his bones. Cas closed his eyes, he didn't need to see for this.
18. The first time
The first time Castiel heard the deaf boy he knew he was destined to fight for the lost creature. He also knew he would never be able to tell him. He knew he'd have to work past the barriers, biting down his frustration and coaxing the boy to speak without a voice. But there were ways to communicate and Castiel knew he could be patient.