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Nicole imagined this must be what hell is like. Sitting alone in the cramped living room of a shitty, asbestos infested apartment, staring at the floor while missing someone terribly. And with less drugs in her system than she was used to. This had to be hell, there was no way.
Occasionally (every minute really. Or maybe seconds?) she'd glance at her sidekick to check the time.
12:03am. 12:04am. 12:05, etc. Nicole knew if Kylar's ass was here, assuming he'd even make it to college or out of prison, he'd find some way to slander this "not gay" activity of urgently waiting for your roommate to come home as "literally so fucking gay dude."
Briefly grimacing at the image of him, Nicole decided maybe she'd put the phone down for a little.
Like staring at it ever helped anyway. It certainly didn't help with the hornets making their way through her intestines. Or in her skull really. Only buzzing this way when a certain nectar came to mind. All amber eyes and golden waves and...
Okay maybe she was a little gay, but she wasn't gay first! Entirely glancing over her... whatever happened with Ari, her blonde haired roommate had asked Nicole to move out with her first.
It was only days after graduation. Nicole barely managed to make it. In spite of all the shit she pulled, Miss Lynn thought she was ready to be let loose on the world at large.
From nearly convincing Kylar to killing himself, plagiarizing mein kampf (just thinking about it nearly chokes her) to get one of the two obviously racist teachers fired, threatening Jeffery with extreme violence at every occasion, nearly selling crack to a pregnant woman, etc etc etc, she still made it.
Not dead, eighteen, and out of high school and excuses, Nicole quickly decided that it was either she killed herself now, or killed herself sometime before she reached thirty. But then, the same as the first day she'd gotten in this new town. Just when she thought life was entirely not worth living, Jecka appeared.
She only remembered fragments of the conversation. How Jecka suddenly appeared at her doorstep, hands behind her back and shyness painting itself on all her features. A foreign sensation rose in Nicole's stomach at the sight, tugging at her insides the way Jecka picked at her top.
In all the time Nicole had known her, Jecka had never been shy. Not when Nicole brought up her Redtube addiction or even when Jecka mentioned she actually enjoyed Smallville. Like, holy shit. It was unsettling... and a little endearing? That someone would be like this for her in a good way didn't make sense to Nicole.
Unfortunately Nicole's mom had answered the door for her. She, to almost everyone's dismay, had stopped her usual routine of sleeping around and drinking and doing whatever work that shot up her medical bills in prescriptions alone to celebrate Nicole "living" through graduation. That, and it seemed like Miss Lynn and her became something official. She gagged at the word then and she gagged now too.
When Jecka had finally entered after sheepishly standing at the doorway for what felt like years, the two went up to Nicole's room before the dam crashed and news poured out.
"I'm moving out of state for college." Jecka idly pulled at the straps of her tank top. A habit she seemed to pick up from somewhere only recently. Nicole couldn't place where.
"Oh. Shit." Nicole felt the frown forming on her face after her eloquent choice of words.
the two sat there for awhile, as awkward silences between them go. Though they only got like this after Nicole practically told Jeffery she'd shoot him in the face with his own gun.
All for Jecka apparently. Nicole still doesn't understand why she did it. Apparently jecka did. It was the only way to explain why it felt like they were on their tippy toes around each other from then on.
Jolting at lightly brushing against each other. Stealing glances when the other wasn't looking, or at least when they thought so like a bunch of virgins. Nicole noted that she didn't hate it though. She didn't understand that either. Nicole didn't understand a lot of things that involved Jecka.
Jecka broke through the waters first.
"My asshole parents decided to be helpful for once and pay for it all." Nicole had looked away from her, opting to pick at the hem of t-shirt. "For a year at least,"Jecka amended, though no matter how much she tried, she couldn't fill the rippling chasm forming between them. The two just sat on Nicole's bed, knees barely touching. So close yet drifting apart.
"Nicole?" Jecka's voice was achingly soft. Too much so for Nicole. She couldn't recognize it, even from this distance. Even when it sounded like Jecka was a touch away from entering fight or flight and fucking right off.
"Yeah? Sorry just... reeling from the fact that my best friend might be leaving me." Nicole frowned at this too. Nothing she said made sense. It wasn't the regular vitriol she spat out at the world around her.
All its harsh edges and sharpened points had been sanded down. All of sudden, she was the girl she remembered being before things went to shit. Before her dad had killed himself and mom at least acted like she gave a fuck about her. At least more than the cyclops she could still hear screaming downstairs in the basement.
A gentle hand appearing over her own brought her back up to Jecka's eyes. Brilliant pools of gold dipping into her own.
"You could come with," Jecka supplied. Nicole knew she meant it more as statement than a question. She scoffed anyways.
"like your parents would allow it. They hate my guts remember? Bad influence and all." The twirling motion she made behind her ear brought a wrinkle to Jecka's sculpted brows.
"They don't have to know then." a small smile appeared on her lips. The same one when she was thought up something witty to sling at gross guys hitting on them or anyone that wasn't Emily.
"I'll stuff you in an overnight bag if I have to," she stated boldly, giving Nicole's hand a firm squeeze. "You're coming with me." Nicole opened her mouth to quip back, but something in Jecka's voice gave her pause.
Stunning amber eyes studied dull sapphires for a moment, something unsaid passing between the two. That if Jecka left and Nicole didn't come with her, they'd never see each other again. That maybe Nicole was a little more fucked up than she'd like jecka to know.
And that Jecka had already seen through most of it the moment she came over and she had the displeasure of meeting her brother for the first time. That maybe all the cutting and drugs and self-proclaimed sociopathy was a less a "front to look cool and hot" and more a way to never have to think clear thoughts again.
Because then, Nicole would have to think about every vile guy who's tried to get in her pants. She'd have to think about every unlikely innocent she hurt to stay above water, and everyone who hurt her to do the same before she was pretty.
Every snide, slithering remark from someone who shouldn't even be five feet near a school of any kind, let alone a woman. Or every time it felt like she had disappointed her mom long before her mom had disappointed her.
She'd have to think about all the awful shit she did to Ari. Or how she and Emily almost died because she didn't know how to say no (she probably would've died anyway). Or how Jecka had looked like she sobbed for a week straight when Nicole saw her again.
It was a miracle they both survived the doctors said. Or at least it was in Emily's case.
But worst of all, Nicole would have to acknowledge that she couldn't live without Jecka now. That despite it all, she was still a real human being with thoughts and feelings. That she cried and bled just like everyone else. That maybe. just maybe if it was for Jecka, Nicole could allow herself to feel things again and live to her thirties and be happy with it.
Nicole, in that moment, made a decision she never thought she'd make. Especially after seeing her own dad's head sprayed across checkered kitchen floor tiles. She would live for Jecka, because Jecka made her happy. And as fucked up as Nicole is, she made Jecka happy too.
Nicole doesn't remember much else after that either, or so she says to herself as she recalls the way Jecka's face lit up when she said "okay." Like the sun parting through storm clouds she thought. Incredibly gay, but there wasn't anyone else she'd rather be gay for.
She remembers waiting on her doorstep. Winter snow just starting to fall while she rubbed her hands together. Despite the chill in the air, her face and stomach had never felt warmer.
Her heart was pounding in her ears when Jecka finally pulled into her driveway. Nicole chuckled lightly at the sight of it all.
Jecka's mess of blonde curls brought up in a spiky bun, her pink framed glasses gently pushing against her equally flushed and tanned face. A hoodie that looked oddly familiar snug around her body. That beautiful, teethy smile of hers made of clear skies and calmer days. And last, but not least, Jecka's fucking bright pink barbie-esque suitcase popping out from behind her seat.
Nicole wished she could frame the image. Thankfully, Her mind did it for her. It was marked "I didn't pack lightly today." Written in hot pink ink and signed with her heart.
She remembered hopping in and the look the two had shared. A hand gently rested on Nicole's thigh while the pair just looked at each other and took in the scene around them. They really were doing this. They were getting out of here. Together.
"Do you have everything?" Jecka finally asked after tearing away from their world to restart the ignition.
"Yea. I didn't have as much as I thought?" Nicole looked over the dash and out towards the steadily growing winter wonderland around them. Jecka followed her gaze.
"Did you leave a note?" Nicole groaned at the thought.
"Never thought you'd convince to leave my whore mom anything," swore Nicole, hands lightly clawing up and down her face. She'd play back the giggles Jecka let out a thousand times over.
"It's for the closure!... I think?"
"Therapist tell you that?" Nicole hadn't softened too much she thought. Not as much as Jecka would lead her to believe.
"Bitch, you know you need one," pitched Jecka playfully. Nicole feigned rolling her eyes.
"And you don't? No bitch I know willingly hangs out with me and doesn't need therapy after." Nicole had begun to fiddle with the radio by now. Already finding her way towards the road-trip playlist they made on the day they decided this whole thing was real.
"And yet here we are." Jecka gestured harshly to the air, though the fond smile on her face betrayed her weak ass sarcasm. "Me and the girl I told my parents not to worry about." It was Nicole's turn giggle. She hated the flips it did to her stomach, but she didn't hate Jecka being cause.
"You love me for it." The words slipped out of Nicole faster then she could filter them. The warmth from earlier resurfaced. Nicole swore she saw vapor steaming off her face in the mirror.
When she found the courage again to look at her best friend, Jecka just beamed. Both their faces were the same shade as the red light they were stopped at.
"I really do." A hand slipped into her own. Nicole looked between it and Jecka before managing her most genuine smile back. She had half a year of mutual pining and gayness to practice for this moment.
"I love you too." The two would've kissed then and there had a car not honked behind them. A familiar scowl found its way on Nicole's face. She had half a mind to flip off the jackass through the rear view had it not been blocked by their towering, yet intertwined suitcases. The tag was still on hers. Blue and pink. Huh. what a combo she thought.
As that laughter filled snowy morning got further and further away, Nicole found herself still seated on her new living room's only couch. It coughed up dust as she resettled herself, the fond memory still clinging to her chest like honey. A warm, soft smile reflected back to her from the blank TV in front of her.
She'd been doing it more as of late. This smiling thing. At least, not the sneer she'd have before doing something she knew Jecka would be pissed at her for. Nicole knew why now.
As if hearing her thoughts, the door to their abode slowly creaked open, familiar keys crashing around the lock. She nearly stumbled over the moving boxes littered around floor to greet Jecka at the door.
"Nico-" Jecka's greeting swiftly cut off by Nicole practically tackling her at the entrance. This was totally gay. Gayest it's ever been truly.
"Thank god you're home. I felt like I was losing my mind." Nicole buried her head in Jecka's neck before registering just how embarrassing it was to dive at your roommate the second she opened the door.
Trying to save herself, she dug around her skull for a sound excuse. "I swear I could hear Jeffery's nasally ass fucking voice taunting me." Light amusement graced Jecka's face. Even with busted lights and dust mites practically floating around like smog, Jecka's features shone gold. Incredible what being head over heels for a girl does to you.
"It was only thirty minutes Nicole, chill." Jecka had placed a hand on Nicole's back to return the hug, gently tracing circles while her other hand juggled shopping bags.
"Felt like hours," Nicole admitted. Screw shame at this point. If it meant Jecka knew how much Nicole missed her, She could stomach being a little corny at what, half past midnight?
"Missed me that much?" Jecka cooed. Nicole retorted by lightly pinching her, grinning at the small yelp she earned before taking the bags out of Jecka's hand and setting them aside somewhere between all the shit they still needed to unpack. She flung herself on the couch shortly after, summoning more dust into the air
Jecka sighed, her body creaking and moaning from the apartment's functioning heat warming her bones as she slumped down next to Nicole.
Their fingers had already locked at this point, sharing the pleasant heat that settled in their hands and hearts and dusty ass couch.
"My mom texted me," Nicole started. Her head laid atop Jecka's shoulder. Jecka leaned back. "Haven't read it yet, don't know when I will." She saw it come in only moments after Jecka had left. Her anxiety leaving her as quickly as Jecka came back. Her blonde roommate hummed in response.
"We can worry about it later? We've got waaay too much shit to unpack." She says this as if the two of them started unpacking at all. Nicole's laziness made sense but Jecka being the more willingly organized of the two barely started on her own items.
They spent most the day setting up their only mattress. The whole process involving Jecka scratching away at it with the strongest detergent they could find whilst Nicole beat the living infections out of it with her palms and sometimes fist. All gloved of course.
It was either that or still being awestruck that they actually made it.
That everything wasn't a dream and they'd be all right. That despite Nicole being one bad day away from free-falling off a cliff or causing Jecka to storm out after one too many horrible things she was forced to witness Nicole do, they were functional and could be better. Would be better.
For each other, and for themselves.
... Damn, Nicole needed to check in on Emily, and probably apologize to Ari. Meh, I'll do it later she thought.
Instead, if only for a little, she'd like to dig her head into her... girlfriend's shoulder just a bit more. To savor it so she'd never forget the sweetness. The taste of whatever these hornets trapped in her body wanted so badly.
She'd down this cup until she was full and keep asking for seconds and thirds. Because with Jecka, Nicole was always sated. Never wanting or needing more than her and being together. That maybe the feeling that settled in her stomach when they finally shared a kiss, yearning and earnest and giving everything for nothing in return, wouldn't kill her.
Nicole worried if she'd ever get tired of it, of Jecka, but when she saw the look in her eyes when they pulled apart. How molten, rose gold poured into deep, cobalt blue and everything felt right and true, the thought burnt away like old paper. It's ashes easily discarded like the cigarettes they used to smoke so much of before they moved out.
Baby steps they both said. The road was a long one after all.
Nicole imagined this must be what heaven is like. And when they went sleep soon after, sharing their new bed in their new home together, she'd die happy knowing it was.