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"Baby, you coming to the frat party later? Jaemin's asking, so he can stock on your favourite as host," Haechan asked, turning around from his gaming chair. He smiled fondly at you, as you were making flashcards and reading ahead through your textbook. Despite him making thunderous noise whilst playing with his friends, you're surprisingly not too disturbed by him and continue studying away. Perhaps your headphones might be on their loudest volume you're blocking him out, but every few minutes or so he hears your light giggles at him cussing out his friends. Such simple things like this, being in each other's company, makes him wonder how he got so lucky.
"I don't think so," You murmured, putting your highlighter down. "I think I'm going to have an early night, I'm scheduled to see if I can tutor a first year at ten, so,"
Haechan's unplugged his headphone cord, and you laugh when you hear all the guys groan. "Oh Y/N, we'll miss you." Mark sniffed jokingly.
"I guess I won't go if you're busy tomorrow, sunshine." Haechan said and you furrowed your brows, shaking your head.
"It's fine, Hyuck, you can go," You chuckled, "It's important, anyway. Johnny's back, and he'll DJ, and he hasn't seen you in a few weeks,"
"No, it's fine, Johnny swings by every month," Haechan cleared his throat. "It's alright, baby. I want to be with you,"
"You're so clingy," Jaemin commented, "You need to host again soon, Hyuck. Everyone's missing your parties."
"Right," You hear Jeno's voice, "When did you start missing huge frat parties, bro? I guess Y/N loves to have you by yourself,"
"Ey, stop being jealous," Haechan laughed loudly, "There's plenty of me to go around."
"You've turned into such a good boy, Hyuck. Y/N's influence, hm?"
You don't hear the rest of the conversation because your thoughts have blocked whatever they're saying next. You're one-hundred-percent sure Haechan's friends have no ill-intent with you, as you realised when you met them all they were incredibly caring and kind, though perhaps a little questionable as frat boys. Their words are unfortunately engraved in your mind already, because since you and Haechan confirmed your relationship status with them, you think that you've been holding him back. A month ago, he officially asked you to be his girlfriend, marking your relationship technically at the five month mark while you got close with him. It seems he's reduced his time with his friends, skipping frat parties (you've only attended two of his frats so far) to be with you, and you think his friends are beginning to realise that he's giving up his usual antics to be with you. Their words do hurt, because it's the truth. But you know they're joking around, and you recognise your relationship is not the most traditional for the both of your differing lives.
You've raised the volume in your headphones to block their sound of laughter completely. You finish your last flashcard a few minutes later in hopes for a distraction and it sounds like Haechan is still playing. You tap on his shoulder and he turns around, muting himself and pausing the game. "You alright, baby?"
"Y-Yeah," You stammered, "I'm just going to take a walk on campus and I think I'll get some food. I'll be back in like twenty minutes, though. Did you want anything?"
"Oh, okay, yeah, I'll come with you. I'm actually hungry too," He gestures to his stomach and you smiled softly, "Hold on, let me say goodbye and hang up on them," Haechan placed a headphone back on, "Yeah, I'm going off to get food with my sunshine. I'll see you guys tomorrow, tell Johnny I'll see him soon for tonight."
They all say goodbye to each other and Haechan unplugs his PC, tossing a hoodie on whilst you got your shoes on. "Where are you thinking of eating, love?" He closed his dorm door behind, taking your hand in his as you both begin to walk out of the dorms building.
"I'm craving pasta," You said, "Hyuck?"
"Hm, baby?"
"You can go to the frat party," You nervously said, "I don't want you to.. not give up stuff to be with me all the time, I'm sure like, you need a break from me too. Like uh, that was your life before you met me, so I don't want you to hold back or anything especially with your friends—"
"Ouch, baby, I'm hurt," Haechan feigned hurt, pouting at you. "It sounds like you want a break from me. Honestly, I'd rather be with you anyway. Hangovers are killing me so I think I should cut it back anyway," He explained. "What's this about, hm? Did the guys say anything? It must have been Jeno's stupid comments, ah,"
In your relationship, Haechan is incredibly observant. He remembers the littlest things, the exact conversations you're referring to, and when you beat around the bush, he understands what you mean and what you're saying instantly. In times like this, when you're insecure and not sure what to do with yourself, you can't tell if his observations are a blessing.
"No, no," You shake your head, although Haechan knows you're lying. "It just.. I think they miss you, since we started seeing each other. I don't want them to feel like you're.. sacrificing your life for us,"
"Well baby, I'm in a relationship with you, and not them," Haechan chuckled, "I've been with them forever, and I'm sure they can go a few parties without me. It's just a party, and if I know you're busy or uncomfortable with the idea, I'd rather not go and worry about you the whole evening, I'd rather be with you. I'll tell them to not say anything again, and I told Mark I didn't appreciate the good boy joke, it's getting old now,"
You let out a light chuckle through your nose, "You're not holding me back, sunshine. If anything, I want to be with you all the time, literally. If you couldn't tell, I'm obsessed with you." He hears you laugh, and he squeezes your hand, "Thank you for telling me. I'm glad you told me this. Don't feel ashamed or anything, okay? My friends love you too, though they can be dicks, but I'll promise them to have limitations on what they say,"
"I love you," Your chest feels lighter, letting it all out, and importantly, you're thankful for an understanding boyfriend, who doesn't judge or belittle your feelings. Haechan constantly reminds you this, and you think it's the art of love.
"I love you too, sunshine." Haechan lifted your intertwined hands, kissing your knuckle as you both approached the café. "What pasta do you want, hm?" He asked, opening the door for you both and taking his card out his wallet.
You wished you saw the warning signs earlier.
"Hyuck, somebody's messaging you, completely blowing up your phone," You slid his phone toward his direction, yawning, and going back to studying. His phone has gone off twenty times in the last three minutes, and it's irritating you as you and Haechan were both working on an assignment together in the group study part of the library. "It sounds important."
"Thanks, sunshine." He said, "Sorry, I'll put it on silent mode."
Haechan gulps at the messages. He feels his heart shatter into pieces. He coughed awkwardly, "Baby? I have a phone call to take. I'll come back in a few minutes, yeah? Don't get too ahead." He pecks your forehead and dashes out the library and before you get to say anything back, you mutter at how weird that was. You shrug it off and go back to studying regardless.
When Haechan is outside of the library, he messages the person back.
What the fuck do you want? Leave me alone.
He rings Mark straight after, and thankfully Mark answers after two dials.
"Hi, are you Y/N?"
You jump at the tap on your shoulder, expecting it to be your boyfriend, who was ordering you both food at a pizza place to share on campus. Instead, you're faced with a girl you don't recognise and you're shocked, as no one really comes up to talk to you. "Uhm, yes, hi, that's.. me,"
"Hi! I'm Kim Haeun, I do business, but I heard you're one of the best econ majors right now and I wondered if I could get help on this paper. I know we don't do the same thing but it overlaps with the marketing module, if you're not busy right now?"
"O-Oh," You stuttered, "I'm with my boyfriend right now, but I'll be happy to help you tomorrow at the business library at three?"
"Sounds good, I'll see you there!"
Kim Haeun leaves like that, not asking for your contact number or email or anything. You find it odd, though you make a mental note to remember. Haechan comes back a few minutes later with your pizza and drinks, and he's evidently hungry as he chows down on the food immediately. You grinned when he looks up at you, as you get a tissue to wipe the messy tomato sauce around his mouth. "The lecture drained you, huh?"
"Drained." He sighed, "I'm so tired, I could sleep for three days I think." He places his hand on the table to rest on top of yours.
You frowned, "Sleep at my dorm? Karina's gone with the dance society at some convention for a few days,"
"I'd be honoured, baby."
You giggle light-heartedly. "Okay."
"Shit, Hyuck, I forgot I had to help someone with a paper in ten minutes, you can go ahead and get lunch and I'll follow you after,"
"You're so busy, sweetness," He said breathily in your ear, as you press your phone against your ear and shoulder whilst placing your bag on your shoulders and speed-walking to the library. "How about instead I'll pick you up at the building afterwards and we can ride into town and pick up food then?"
"That'd be amazing, thank you, baby,"
"Have fun, call me when you're done yeah?" Haechan said, "I love you, sunshine."
"I love you too, handsome."
With five minutes to spare, you find yourself in the toilet to freshen up. You're re-doing your hair when someone else walks into the toilet, and you see that it's Haeun from the pizza place from yesterday. You greet her with a smile, about to apologise for being late because you needed the toilet until she laughs at you. Confused, you step back and she steps forward, matching your height. "You're incredibly easy to fool, Y/N."
"Excuse me?" You only managed to let out.
"You don't know who I am?" She spat, making you frown.
"No, sorry, I thought we were going through your paper—"
"Oh, sweet, innocent, good girl Y/N Y/L/N," Haeun rolled her eyes, her finger twirling your hair mockingly, saying your name like it was poison, "You really have no idea who I am?"
You shake your head, ready to leave because you don't get involved in things like this. When you walk past her, she laughs obnoxiously. "You're kidding, right? I'm Haechan's ex."
You swallow. Her words sound bitter. Of course she is. Pretty, definitely Haechan's typical type if you weren't in the picture. "You know, he stopped seeing me because he met you. I wonder why he never told you about me, hm? Because when we were together, we lasted six months, before we started going for casual sex, until, you showed up linking his arms, and he never contacted me anymore. He never contacted me anymore because of you, Y/N."
"I.. W-Why are you telling me this?" You choked out, feeling a tear prick your eye. You trust Haechan with your life dearly. You trust him that you could fall back with your eyes closed and he would pick you back up. Yet you can't help but feel doubt sinking in your heart and guilt in your stomach.
"Because he will always come back to me, Y/N. Lee Donghyuck doesn't date. He doesn't date people like you. You really think you can last over six months? When you're in your innocent get-up? Face reality, Y/N. You're different. Soon enough, you'll be out of here and he'll come back to me, he'll come back to fuck me like he always does, because I'm the one for him."
"Haeun, please—"
"Oh, Y/N, I'm not finished with you. I bet if you ask him for the real truth, you're just a bet to him. You're just a bet to see if he can actually last six months with people like you."
"Please leave me alone."
You don't let her finish and you storm out the door with tears rolling down your cheeks. You realise you're crying when your teary eyes are blurring your vision as you run back to your dorm room. You slam the door behind you and cry, without realising Karina's home and hushing you, rubbing your back in comfort. It must have been her messaging him at the library, you think, and you cry harder. "Hey, hey, Y/N, what happened?"
You look up and Karina's face drops seeing your bloodshot eyes. "Haechan.."
"I'm going to kill him,"
"His.. ex.."
"Haeun? Kim Haeun?"
"What?" You uttered, "You know her?" You want to be surprised, because you never invested your energy into college drama. When you think of the Nu Chi Tau frat parties you have attended in the past with Karina, you realise Haeun's face is familiar. Because her face seems to be buried in Haechan's neck all the time when they were together,
"Yes, they were a big deal last year, but.." She trailed off, her brows knitted when she sees your perplexed gaze. "He.. never told you about her?"
"No..."
"That fucker," She cursed. "Why wouldn't he tell you?"
Maybe Kim Haeun was right — you and Haechan weren't as serious as you thought. You simply got your hopes up. False hope.
"He shouldn't be entitled to," You said, "I.. I wish I was aware of how psychotic she is.. And their history together.."
"He should have told you regardless," She shook her head, "Look, he should explain, but take this with a grain of salt. They dated for six months last year, and they were known because Haechan only slept with her and people kept making rumours and comments about sleeping with him, but Haeun's been the only one. They got serious I think, and he broke it off, and then started sleeping together again. It's probably why Haechan doesn't date. Heard Haeun slept around to get back at Haechan, he stopped until he met you."
"That's why she kept emphasising six months and how Haechan and I would never last," You mumbled, "S-She.. She said I'm just a bet to him.."
Karina wiped your remaining tears with her thumbs, "S-She's right. He couldn't date someone like me, it's too easy for him, isn't it? Too easy to play like a game.. I get fooled easily. We are different and maybe he thought I could challenge him,"
"Y/N..."
"It hurts, Rina," You whispered quietly, heart shattering. "It hurts."
"I know, Y/N. Let it all out, I'm here for you, okay?"
In the evening, you message Haechan, despite all his missed calls and messages.
[You] sorry, i'm not feeling well. i'll try and attend class tomorrow
How could you be so fucking oblivious to these warning signs?
"I don't know, she's messaged me all weird, and she only sent one despite my hundreds of calls and messages," Haechan huffed, ruffling his hair and Mark's lips curved into a frown seeing his best friend's concern for you. "And she wasn't even in our classes today. I searched up and down the library, even our usual spots, no sign of her at all."
"Have you tried messaging Karina?"
"She's not responding, I mean, she said last night Y/N's not feeling well, but Y/N would let me in, I was going to order her food but she didn't read a single message of mine."
"That is weird," Both of their faces scrunch, Haechan's eyes glued to his phone for any sign of you. "Try tomorrow? Maybe she's like, super sick? Not risking contamination—"
"Is it bad I'll go and see her? I'll pick up her favourite—"
"Maybe she's sick of you, Hyuck." Mark joked, the pair laughing a little. "You two are attached by the hip, but yeah, maybe try again later. Maybe she's having a break? Alone time?"
You and Haechan are open in your relationship about virtually anything, and he mentioned once you could get burnt out from the constant studying, before he realised you surprisingly don't get burnt out because you're organised and ahead all the time. He thinks he should start keeping an eye on you, and maybe having a break was an idea you didn't tell him. If you wanted to be alone, you'd tell him. The question gnawing at him was why you didn't tell him you were blocking everyone's messages for the last two days. It was complete radio silent on your side. Even Mark messaged you a few times, and the whole situation seemed off-putting.
He realised he wasn't going to get any answers if he was chewing bottom lip off and worrying constantly.
"I just.. It's out of her, to leave me on silent." Haechan stood up, patting Mark's back. "I think I need to go now, just to clear my mind to know she's alright."
"Of course, you do you, Hyuck. Let me know if she's okay."
"Will do," Haechan breathed before running around campus to find your favourite food and essentials since you claimed you weren't well. Medicine, your favourite snacks and takeout, even period essentials like a heating pad and extra pads and tampons because maybe it was the time of the month and perhaps you wanted to shut the world out. Out of breath, he knocks on the door and hears your voice through the door. "Rina? Are you expecting anyone?" It sounded like you were on the phone with Karina, and Haechan hears a faint 'no', and he knocks once more. "No, I'm not expecting anything, are you sure you didn't deliver a package?"
"Sunshine? It's me."
You hang up on Karina immediately, feeling your heart beat rapidly, hearing his voice. "Baby? Are you alright?"
"H-Hyuck?"
"It's me, sweetness. Open up,"
You're debating opening the door that you stare at it for a few seconds. You give in when you curse under your breath, key jiggling, opening the door and you see his lips pout. You're in an oversized hoodie, your hair is practically a mess — it's the first time Haechan has seen you like this. Normally you're put together, and Haechan doesn't know why your eyes look tired for the first time. Your expression is dull. "What's wrong, sunshine?" He placed you in his arms, hugging you tightly and kissing your forehead. "You worried me, baby. I know I should give you space but you're never like this,"
Your eyes caught the bag he was holding and you try to not tear up when you see a small teddy bear, your favourite food, his favourite drinks, medicine and period essentials. "Hyuck." You said lowly, and he realises you're not even hugging him back. He pulls away fast, cupping your cheeks, and you can't even look at him. He swore his heart stops when you swallow.
"We need a break."
The words from your mouth come out so smoothly, and Haechan doesn't believe it. He laughed sarcastically, "What? Baby, what are you talking about? You can't just ghost me and tell me we need a break with zero explanation. I don't do bullshit."
"I know I was easy for you, so if this is a game—" You gestured between you both and Haechan vigorously shook his head.
"A game? A fucking game?" He asked, voice raising, "What makes you think my love for you is a game? I love you, Y/N, why are you saying this? What is this about?"
"Because.. people have been nothing but correct about our relationship, Haechan. We're different, we're not meant to be. I know I'm easy to fool, so please, just tell me if I was some bet you made, just make it easier for me—"
"Y/N," Haechan was scowling, and you've never seen him like this. "Where the hell are you hearing this from? You and I may be different, but I've told you a million times I couldn't care how different we are. That's what I love about us. I thought we agreed we'd ignore what people say about us." He paused, and took a deep breath, watching tears drop down your cheeks, placing a hole in his heart. "Who said you were a bet, Y/N? I thought you trusted me, and you know I'm not the person I was before. I love you. And I'll keep saying it because I can't have you doubting how I feel for you."
He swallows when you start sniffling, "You don't understand, Haechan. I don't attend your parties, I'm still scared being with you because of the reaction you face, I'm scared I'm taking you away from your friends. I'm not meant for you, and being your girlfriend is holding you back and I can see it even if you deny it. Your friends comment all the time about how I'm changing you, people say I'm being manipulated by you because you're different to me. I don't involve myself around alcohol, partying and cigarettes. You don't date, Lee Donghyuck. I know you. And right now, if you loved me, you'd let me go."
"I'm not letting you go because I'm trying to fucking fight for us," Haechan declared, "Y/N, I don't give a fuck if you don't attend frat parties, I don't give a fuck about people's reactions or opinions about us. I'm serious about us, and you are never holding me back. And of course I date, Y/N, because I'm with you. All I need is for you to love me like I love you. I couldn't care less, as long as I love you. I can't believe if you think I really love you, I'd let you go this easily? I don't quit easily, especially on us, and you, Y/N."
"Then why didn't you tell me about Kim Haeun?"
You're faced with silence. It hits you like a truck, almost. It reminds you that this is reality that you and Lee Donghyuck are in differing worlds and your hyperreality of a relationship is giving you a utopia. You guess that the blurring line between you and Lee Donghyuck gave you almost, a little too much hope.
You wished you warned yourself earlier, to save yourself all the heartache. You wished you warned yourself earlier, to know you couldn't truly be with somebody like Lee Donghyuck.