Chapter Text
'If you asked Lisa she probably wouldn’t able to recall any details about her workday, she could however, tell you the number of times she’d looked at her phone. She does it again now and heaves a sigh when there are still no new messages. She’s sure she’s being paranoid, Carla has probably had a busy day…but they haven’t gone a day without at least one message in months and Lisa suddenly feels like this tentative thing they have has suddenly crashed and burned. It was only a couple of days ago that they had stood in Carla’s office out of hours and she had finally garnered the courage to make a move, albeit a very slight one but Carla hadn’t been completely repulsed when Lisa had laid a soft kiss on her lips. In fact, Lisa would have gone as far as saying that the other woman had enjoyed it but now she isn’t so sure
“Mum! I’m home” the slam of the front door startles her and she listens to the sound of Betsy’s rucksack hitting the floor before her daughter appears in front of her
“yes, I can hear” Betsy rolls her eyes before heading towards the fridge, and Lisa hesitates before she asks “how was your day?” there must be something in her tone because Betsy closes the fridge to stare at her intently. She isn’t sure how Betsy knows she’s fishing for information but it appears her daughter has seen straight through her
“Carla wasn’t there…” the silence stretches between them for a lot longer than it should and Lisa tries to ignore the heavy feeling in the pit of her stomach “apparently she’s not well but I heard Sally and Sean gossiping about it earlier, apparently it’s someone’s birthday or something” Lisa frowns, surely that wouldn’t be reason enough for Carla to be ignoring her
“Takeaway for dinner?” she tries to change the subject but Betsy continues to stare at her, a frown now gracing her features
“you haven’t put her off already have you? I don’t want to lose my job because you can’t keep your friends, or your…whatever” Lisa pretends that her daughter’s words don’t sting, especially when she’s slightly convinced that Betsy is right
“I’m not having this conversation with you right now” Betsy groans, and moves back to the fridge and she’s gone before Lisa can say anything else.
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She makes herself a cup of tea and settles in front of the TV and she promises herself that she’s not going to check her phone but it’s sitting on the coffee table mocking her and her resolve lasts a whole five minutes. She goes back through their messages to try and figure out where things might have gone wrong but up until this morning everything had seemed great, perfect even and Lisa can’t help but think that something else is going on. The last message Carla sent is staring out at her, just a simple ‘goodnight love’ and before she can second guess herself she’s pressing the call icon and bringing her phone to her ear. She’s sure it’s going to ring through to voicemail when it suddenly connects
“hello?” there’s silence on the other end and she pulls the phone away from her ear to check she hasn’t been disconnected “Carla?”
“Hi Lisa, sorry” Lisa almost startles at the male voice on the other end of the phone and it takes her a second to recognise it as Ryan and she sits up straighter in her chair
“Ryan? Is everything okay? Where is Carla?” she knows she sounds more frantic than is probably warranted but she can’t imagine a scenario where Carla is happy for Ryan to be answering her phone
“Well, I don’t really…” Ryan pauses for a second and Lisa can feel the irritation rising “I don’t know what’s…” he stops again and Lisa doesn’t hold back her huff
“What is it Ryan?” her voice is sharp and she hears shuffling on the other end of the phone before Ryan speaks again
“I don’t know what’s going on, Carla won’t say but I think she could use a friend” he sounds anxious and the pit of worry in Lisa’s stomach grows substantially. Lisa is standing immediately, already making her way towards the stairs to tell Betsy she’s going out
“I’ll be there in 10 minutes” she doesn’t wait for a response, barely waits for her daughter to reply before she’s out of the door and in her car, and if she breaks one or two traffic laws to get to Carla’s well that’s nobodies business but her own.
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Ryan is waiting outside the flat when she arrives and she suddenly worries that Carla is going to feel ambushed by her arrival
“I’ll let you up but you’ll have to knock, she’ll just think it’s me coming back for my keys” he shrugs and Lisa can see the worry evident on his face now and she wants him to finish talking so she can lay eyes on Carla and see for herself that the other woman is still in one piece
“Right. Thank you” she passes by him, nodding her thanks when he uses his key to buzz her in and before she knows it she’s knocking on Carla’s front door
“Ryan I swear…” even through the door Lisa can hear the exhaustion in Carla’s voice and she isn’t ready for what she sees when the door flies open “oh…” Carla is dressed in a vest top and leggings, more dressed down than Lisa has ever seen her. Her hair is pulled back into a messy bun and Lisa is struck by how utterly exhausted the other woman looks
“Carla…” Lisa finds herself at a loss for words and Carla silently steps aside, indicating for Lisa to come in
“Did we have plans?” Carla has turned away from her, making her way into the kitchen towards an open bottle of wine
“No, no plans. I called you, and Ryan answered. He said you might need a friend and I was already worried after not hearing from you today” Carla fills her glass and brings it to her lips and it’s only then that Lisa sees the shake in her hands
“He needn’t have bothered, I’m fine” her voice wavers on the word fine and Lisa risks taking a step towards her. There’s still a sizeable gap between them and Carla seems to want to keep it that way when she steps back until she’s leaning against the kitchen counter. Lisa stops to appraise the other woman as Carla drains the rest of her wine. She’s clearly distracted, or at least trying to be because she won’t make eye contact and the longer Lisa looks at her the more uncomfortable she appears
“Carla…” she tries stepping forward again, closing the gap between them and prying the wine glass from Carla’s hand. By the time she’s placed it on the counter behind Carla the brunette has already moved, still sandwiched between Lisa and the counter but now picking at the skin of her thumb nail “talk to me” she clasps Carla’s hands between her own and the other woman lets out a shuddering breath
“I can’t” she isn’t surprised by the resistance and she’s comforted by the fact that Carla doesn’t pull away from their contact “it just…it hurts too much” Lisa’s heart aches at the pain she can hear so clearly in Carla’s voice, she moves again so there is only a minute amount of space between them, their faces almost touching
“hey, look at me” it takes a moment but then Carla is finally looking at her and oh, the devastation in her eyes is almost enough to have Lisa in tears “oh baby” the pet name slips out without her permission but she pays it no mind when a sob almost wrenches itself out of Carla, the other woman falling into her and Lisa has to steady them both as she does. Carla is suddenly a dead weight against her, Lisa having to use all of her strength to keep them both standing but then sobs turn into a silent weeping and Lisa has to move. She doesn’t know how she manages it but she gets them both to the sofa without falling and she pulls Carla into her lap, cradling the other woman against her as she whispers soothing words into her ear.
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It's a long time before the tears stop and she can feel the moment Carla realises what she’s just done
“don’t go” Lisa whispers and Carla stiffens momentarily before relaxing again, her face hidden against Lisa’s shoulder
“I had a baby…” Carla’s voice is muffled against Lisa’s shoulder “my little girl” Lisa feels a fresh wave of tears start to fall and it’s only then that she allows either of them to move. Carla sits up, moving only so she can look at Lisa directly
“when?” she instantly chastises herself for not saying something more sensitive but Carla simply leans against her and starts to speak, her voice hoarse
“10 years ago, she was here and then the next minute she was gone” Lisa’s heart aches at the way Carla’s voice softens, a mountain of heartbreak mixed with an adoration that Lisa only ever hears in a parents voice “I was 18 weeks, she was so tiny” the last word is said in a whisper so quiet that Lisa almost doesn’t catch it
“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry” she presses a kiss to the side of Carla’s head and neither of them speak for a moment and Lisa goes to object when Carla moves, only for the other woman to surprise Lisa by laying down with her head in Lisa’s lap
“Peter was having an affair and for so long I blamed him but now I think, maybe she just knew I wasn’t up to the job” Lisa shifts under Carla, and she tries to keep the indignation out of her voice when she speaks but she isn’t sure she succeeds
“Carla no, that’s not true at all” Carla shrugs and Lisa takes that as permission to continue, her voice now stern “I’ve seen the way you are with Betsy, you get through to her in way that I never can, in a way that even Becky struggled to. You would have made an excellent mother and I’m so sorry that that chance was taken from you” she moves to brush the hair away from Carla’s face and Carla sighs before moving again, this time to roll over, her face now pressed against Lisa’s stomach
“I’m sorry for ignoring you all day” Lisa shakes her head before realising that Carla can’t see her
“no apologies needed, but Carla, you know I would have been over here in a heartbeat if you had called” Carla doesn’t say anything for a minute and Lisa is worried that she’s overstepped until Carla wraps an arm around her back, erasing any bit of space that existed between them
“I know” Lisa lets the silence settle over them then, Carla’s breathing steadying out as Lisa runs her fingers through brunette locks and then Carla’s grip on the back of Lisa’s jacket loosens and her whole body relaxes as she falls asleep.
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When Lisa opens her eyes again she’s cold and the space next to her is empty. She rolls her neck, wincing as it cracks and she instantly regrets falling asleep in such an uncomfortable position. She’s just about to stand to go in search of Carla when the other woman appears in front of her, her eyes are bloodshot but there is a small smile on her face and she no longer looks like she’s holding the weight of the world on her shoulders
“hey, I hope I didn’t wake you” she takes the seat next to Lisa on the sofa, tucking her legs under her and turning so she’s facing Lisa
“I think I got cold, but my neck thanks you for not letting me sleep much longer like that” Carla winces in sympathy as Lisa rolls her neck again and then she seems to hesitate for a second before bringing a hand to the back of Lisa’s neck. Lisa couldn’t hold in the groan even if she wanted to when Carla’s fingers run over the back of her neck, soft and barely touching for a moment before she finds the exact spot where Lisa’s neck is tensed and presses. She leans her head forward, humming in delight when Carla presses just right and Lisa feels the touch all the way down to her toes “hmm, you’re good at that” Carla chuckles lightly before her touch turns light again and Lisa suppresses the need to shiver at the pleasure that shoots down her spine at such a simple touch. Carla shifts closer then, her fingers dancing up Lisa’s neck until she can no longer hold in the shiver and she knows Carla has noticed by the satisfied hum that she lets out. Lisa lifts her head then, almost trapping Carla’s hand between her neck and the back of the sofa and she regrets the move when Carla moves her hand but the feeling is short lived because she then climbs into Lisa’s lap, a move that surprises them both
“okay?” gone is the confident business woman and Lisa can’t help but smile up at her
“more than” her hands move to settle on Carla’s hips, encouraging her closer with a slight pull and Carla moves easily until she’s settled in her lap, thighs either side of Lisa’s waist. Carla leans further forward then, moving until their foreheads meet and suddenly Lisa feels like she’s taking advantage “Carla…” she starts but the other woman simply shakes her head
“It’s okay” Carla presses a soft kiss to her lips then and Lisa can’t help but chase her as she moves just out of reach “I absolutely adore you” Lisa’s heart pounds heavily in her chest and she moves so her hands are splayed at Carla’s lower back, going no further than the outside of her top. Carla’s hands move so they are cradling Lisa’s face and she kisses her again, this one slightly longer than the last but nothing more than a press of lips and Lisa can’t remember ever feeling so bowled over by a simple kiss. They stay like that for a moment and Lisa goes to speak when the intercom buzzes and Carla flinches. Lisa goes to let her up but Carla only settles back in her lap, her face now tucked into Lisa’s neck and Lisa moves to wrap her arms around her back, holding her tightly against her
“If he’s forgotten his keys he’ll have to sleep outside” Carla mumbles against her neck and Lisa laughs as she runs a hand by Carla’s back
“He let me in, he’s got his keys. I think he might be giving us a signal” Carla mumbles something that Lisa doesn’t quite catch and the way Carla’s breath tickles against her neck makes her clench her fist against Carla’s top, the movement causing the other woman to press her lips to the spot and Lisa wants to arch into the contact but then the front door is opening and Ryan is poking his head round it “oh for christ sake” Lisa exclaims when she sees that Ryan has his hand over his eyes. Carla reluctantly pulls herself away at Lisa’s words and before anyone can react she’s launching a cushion at Ryan with surprisingly good accuracy and Ryan lets out a yelp when it hits him in the face
“hey!” he shouts, bending to pick up the pillow and for a moment Lisa thinks he might throw it right back but then he appears to think better of himself and simply places it back on the sofa
“yeah, that’s what I thought” Carla mumbles and Lisa holds in a whine as Carla climbs out of her lap, although by the look Carla shoots her she’d say it wasn’t quite as held back as she’d like and she wants to melt into the sofa when Carla winks at her before turning back to Ryan. She thinks they have a conversation with each other but she’s too busy watching the way Carla walks across the room to give Ryan a brief hug, her hand momentarily patting him on the cheek before he bashfully smiles at her, pressing a kiss to her cheek and whispering something in her ear. It’s Carla’s deep laugh that startles Lisa out of her daydreaming and she wants to be embarrassed when she realises they’ve caught her staring but she doesn’t have the energy to care
“I’ll leave you ladies to it, goodnight” he’s gone before Lisa can reply and then Carla is standing in front of her again and all Lisa wants to do it pull her back into her lap and help them both forget all of their problems but then she catches sight of the time and groan
“I should get going” she stands then, and Carla gives her a soft smile “I left in a hurry and I don’t want to leave Betsy to her own devices for too long” she brushes a piece of hair out of Carla’s face and leans forward just slightly but Carla is already there, happily meeting her in the middle. This kiss is slightly more passionate than the others they have shared and she finds herself pressed fully up against the other woman, Carla’s hands in her hair and her own hands pressed against Carla’s back where her top has ridden up and she has to pull away to catch her breath
“Thank you for coming” Carla pulls her into a hug then, and Lisa uses the hand that’s already pressed against Carla’s back to pull them tighter against each other
“You ring me if you need anything, or I can talk to Betsy and come back. I can sleep on the sofa, just so you don’t…” Carla leans back from their embrace and shushes her
“I’m okay love, I promise” Carla brushes a thumb against Lisa’s cheekbone, the touch gentle and tender “you get home to Betsy and I’ll call you in the morning” Lisa hesitates, suddenly worried that once she leaves they’ll go back to radio silence
“I’ll bring you coffee in the morning, when I drop Betsy off?” she’s not sure she even has time to stop for coffee in the morning but she’s going to make the time now, even if it means dragging Betsy out of bed half an hour earlier
“I’ll be waiting” they share another kiss then, and Lisa reluctantly makes her way to the door. They say their goodbyes and when the door closes behind her Lisa has to suppress the need to go back inside, reminding herself that they have tomorrow, and every day after that too.