Chapter Text
Erik was sitting on the dock alone thinking. This was their place and although it hurt knowing there was no "them" it gave him the opportunity to contemplate what these six months had been. He hadn't spoken to Mathias after he said those words and watched him walk away. "I will never be your friend". What a load of crap. He meant it, he didn't want to be his friend, he wanted so much more. So why didn't he follow up with those words? Why didn't he go after him to explain, to hug him and maybe kiss him. It may have been six months but that kiss was still etched in his mind. He found himself touching his lips, imagining it was Mathias'. He couldn't believe it's been six months. Six months since he broke his heart and watched him walk away. Six months since he broke his own. He was still friends with Felix although distant. Mathias seemed to take his words to heart and stayed away. Erik tried to talk to him on numerous occasions to explain but every time he tried the words just wouldn't come out. He watched him walk away time and time again. Then he saw them kissing. Mathias and Elias. He'd been on his way to the docks for the umpteenth time when he saw them. In their spot, the spot that used to be his and Mathias. They had their arms around each other when Mathias just kissed him. Erik felt tears run down his face before he turned around heading for home. The picture was etched in his mind and he felt like crying every time he looked at Mathias. He was so beautiful with his hair beautifully mussed up by his hand running to them. His smile was the most beautiful thing Erik has ever known. He used to be proud of the fact that he could make him smile like that. Then Mathias did the bravest thing in the world. He came out as bisexual and announced his relationship with Elias. He looked so happy. He was happy for him, but it still hurt. Then it was Felix. He never felt their friendship to be a genuine one. Not like Mathias and his friendship. And then Mathias and Felix started talking again and Erik couldn't be around them anymore. Seeing him every day at school was bad enough. He'd made all the excuses in the world to avoid the parties thrown or hangouts after school. He'd started journaling again. It had helped him after the incidents at his old school and he hoped it'd help him again. It helped him to sort through his thoughts about himself, his identity, sexuality and his regrets. Sometimes he'd write pages and sometimes he could jot down a couple of sentences. He'd downloaded Grindr and been on dates with both women and men. He travelled to Bergen to meet people and had even gotten a kiss or two and once he got a handjob. He met a guy he'd really liked. At least in the beginning and he thought it could develop into something more. They ended up hooking up from time to time but every time his mind went to Mathias. The other boy was always on his mind. So he ended it. He should be able to move on but every guy looked like him, and every girl reminded him about Olivia. Erik was so lost in his own thoughts he didn't hear the footsteps getting closer. He only looked up when he felt the shadow of the person standing there. Of course it had to be him. Mathias. With his mussed up hair and beautiful eyes but without a smile. Mathias sat down and looked into the distance and Erik felt faint and breathless. He dared to sneak a peek at him and saw that he wore the hoodie. The hoodie he wore when they kissed. The hoodie that had occupied his dreams night after night although the hoodie was at his bedroom floor and the owner in his arms. It was embarrassing how many times he'd woken up hard just dreaming of Mathias.
"Do you want me to leave?" He asked. "I should definitely leave". Erik made to get up when he felt a hand wrap around his arm. He froze at the contact and for a moment let himself enjoy the electricity coursing through him. He sat back down and saw Mathias staring at him with the most piercing gaze. "No, it's okay. You were here first and I don't want to intrude." Mathias sounded sad and resigned as he made to get up. Erik wanted to reach for him like Mathias did. He knew he had to find the words, the right ones. The ones to make him stay. This was his chance. "Stay." "Please". He heard the desperation in his voice and felt tears prickling. He turned around but felt Mathias warmth when he sat down closer to him. He was too close and too far away and there was no way the tears could be stopped. He let them flow freely, but tried to at least get his breathing under control. He couldn't remember his last panic attack. It had been years and the timing of it just exasperated his attack. He needed oxygen, there wasn't enough air. He was hyper aware when he heard his voice and just wanted to curl into himself with embarrassment. "Erik. Erik." Mathias asked in the softest voice. The voice he'd once reserved for him. "Can I touch you, honey?" His voice was laced with so much concern and Erik just nodded. Mathias started by sitting even closer to him before tentatively couching his hand. Then he put his arms around him and wispered the most beautiful words in his ears about him to follow his breathing and praising him when he did. The panic soon ebbed away being replaced by embarrassment and sadness. He looked away but noticed Mathias hands were still around his shoulders. He felt tingly all over, and leant into his touch. He heard Mathias' voice hitch at the movement but he still didn't move his hand. "Are you okay?" Mathias sounded genuinely worried and Erik just wanted to comfort him. "Yes. I'm okay. Erik looked at him and was met with the most beautiful and piercing eyes he knew and loved. "Does it happen often?" Mathias moved his arm and Erik closed his eyes and flinched at the loss of contact. Mathias looked at him expectantly. "No. It hasn't happened in a long time. I'd almost forgotten I had them." He smiled at him and was met by a small smile back. "Thank you. You didn't have to do that. Uhm. I know we're not friends anymore but thanks". Erik had said the wrong thing. He was the one that pushed Mathias away and now it sounded as an accusation. He was such a fool. He looked away and felt new tears prickling. "Off course I'd help you. I wouldn't just leave you like that. And you were the one that didn't want to be my friend." Mathias sounded breathless but not angry. "I know I said I didn't want you in my life when you helped me move. I'm sorry and I understand why you said what you said. I just wanted to respect your wishes so I stayed away". Mathias sounded so defeated that Erik's heart just shattered. "I'm so sorry for saying that. I regretted not saying the other things on my mind or going after you. I seem to lose all capacity to form words when you're around." He spoke in a whisper and although it was a windy day he just knew the other boy heard him. "What other thing could possibly make those words sound better? What could you say that made losing you better?" This time Mathias sounded angry and frustrated. Erik understood and explained. "That I didn't want to be your friend. That I wanted more. That the kiss meant everything to me and that I fell for you and missed you." Erik could feel Mathias react and held his breath for the reaction. "That would definitely make it better." He chuckled softly and went on. "If you just said it I think these six months would be very different" Mathias looked at him softly. "I know. I tried to talk to you afterwards but I just couldn't say it. I was convinced you'd be too mad to listen. And then you were so brave and came out and then you found Elias and I just stopped trying." Erik felt a new bout of tears make their way through his voice. "I was so proud of you and you smiled again and I just wanted you to be happy. So I kept my distance." Erik finally found his words and even though it was too late he felt relieved that he finally found his voice. He pressed on with the question he'd been ruminating on for months. "Are you happy? Does Elias make you happy?" The last part came out as a whisper and although he wasn't ready for the answer he just had to ask. Mathias moved even closer, invading his space in the most breathtakingly and heartbreaking way. Then he put his fingers in between his and put his hand on Erik's shoulder. Erik stilled completely. He couldn't breathe, but in a good way. "I was happy. For a while." Mathias spoke so softly and before Erik could say anything he continued "He helped me figure myself out. He was so patient and understanding and let me set the pace. I wanted to be happy, I wanted it to feel right. But it didn't." Mathias sounded sad and Erik tightened his grip in his hand. He felt guilty for holding his hand when he was with someone else. But he was only human and he'd tried to get him alone for so long. Acutely aware that this was probably the last time he'd feel his warmth, he honestly didn't care. "I'm glad he was there for you. You deserve to be happy. I'm sorry you stopped being happy. I kinda noticed at school that you seemed out of it. You didn't smile the right smile anymore. The smile that reaches the eyes. I love seeing you smile." All vestiges of self control had obviously left him and he just blurted things out. "So you were looking at me? I felt you staring but when I looked back you looked away. It can seem creepy you know." They both chuckled. They were silent for a long time but it was a content silence. "We broke up. That's why I came here. I've been here so many times these past six months when everything got to much." Erik closed his eyes and tried to compute the words he just heard. Mathias was here. He had sat right here at this spot. He wondered why he hadn't seen him. He had to take the plunge, to ask the question he so desperately needed answered. "Uhmm.." He steadied himself."I'm sorry. Why did you break up?" Mathias snorted like it was the stupidest thing to ask. He removed his head from Erik's shoulder and his hand from his and Erik's heart shattered. He fucked up. Mathias would get up and leave again. And he wouldn't follow him. He'd let him go. Even if it broke him. He felt Mathias hand on his cheek and let him look into those eyes. Then he felt the press against his lips and his brain short circuited. He had never felt anything like it. He felt Mathias move away and he couldn't let that happen. He kissed back. He felt dizzy and disoriented when he found his head in Mathias' hair and tongue was introduced. He didn't know whose whimpers were but he didn't care. The whine when Mathias disconnected their lips were definitely his. Mathias didn't move far. He put his forehead in his and Erik could see tears in his eyes. He reached up and wiped them away. He kept his hand on his cheek and brought their lips together again, oxygen be damned. He felt that dizzying feeling and he know knew what heaven was like. But he had to know, even if it meant talking. And not kissing. And all he wanted was kissing. He knew he needed to ask and to tell Mathias everything. He disconnected their lips and this time Mathias whined. " Why did you kiss me? Please say it meant something. I can't deal with it. I want you, so so badly. Please don't kiss me if you don't mean it." He closed his eyes and steadied his breath. He let the tears fall freely now. He felt Mathias' calloused fingers against his cheek brushing them away. He looked up and found the biggest smile he'd ever seen. He did that. He was so beautiful he took his breath away. "It was you. You were always there. In the back of my mind. All I could see when we kissed was blond hair and the softest lips I've ever tasted. And it never felt right being with him. He wasn't you." Mathias spoke like a man on a mission. A mission to get his boy, the one he'd missed for so long. "I would never kiss you if I didn't mean it. If I didn't want us to be... well.. us. I was planning on making a grand gesture at school on Monday. I had it all planned out. There would be flowers, chocolate and the biggest teddy you've ever seen." Mathias gave him the biggest shit eating grin. Erik groaned at the thought. "Oh no. Please don't." He felt himself blush like crazy. "I think I'd be so embarrassed I'd combust." He found himself smiling at the other boy. He was even more beautiful up close and Erik had never wanted anything more than him. The silence stretched out for a long time but they didn't move an inch. "What does this mean? I know what I want but what do you want? There was still apprehension in his voice and he knew Mathias could sense it. "I helped you through a panic attack, which was the scariest thing I've ever seen so please refrain from it in the future. I've been holding your hand for the last thirty minutes at least and we've snogged our brains out two times already." Mathias looked at him like he was the densest boy on earth. "Do I need to spell it out? I love you and want you. As a boyfriend if that wasn't clear." Erik had never felt more happy than in this moment. He could not stop the smile from spreading. "Boyfriend huh? I'd love that. And I know it's way too soon and you don't have to say it back, but I love you." He drew his breath. Mathias just smiled and kissed him again. Erik was again in heaven. He put his hands in the other boys' hair again and Mathias did the same. The kiss was passionate, loving and so incredibly filthy. He felt like he wasn't close enough. He moved without breaking the kiss and pulled Mathias into his lap. They were so close he didn't know where he ended and Mathias begun. He moved his hands all over Mathias' body. They travelled down his arms, all over his back and underneath his hoodie. He mapped his body with his hands before settling his hands on his thighs. They broke apart for air and Erik pushed his forehead to Mathias and exhaled deeply. "How do we do it? I'm out as bisexual so I'm more than okay with being public, but what about you?" Mathias spoke with so much adoration that Erik felt all tingly and warm. He didn't know what he was yet. Probably bisexual or pan. He'd been so afraid to delve into those feelings and all he knew for sure was how utterly gone he was for the beautiful boy sitting in his lap. He thought about keeping his distance at school and only sneak kisses in abandoned classrooms and empty corridors. He thought about the boys looking at the brunette and all the girls. He wanted to show the world how happy Mathias made him. He looked him in the eyes and sighed. "I don't know what I am. It was too hard to revise those feelings alone so I didn't. All I know is that I'm crazy about you and not ashamed in any way. Plus I don't think I can go all day at school without being close to you or kiss you. You're very addictive, you know." Mathias answered him with the filthiest kiss he'd ever had in his life. The both moaned into the kiss and Mathias ground down on his crotch and moaned loudly. Erik threw all caution to the wind and ground his hips up and groaned. He didn't care that they were in public or that anyone could see them, all he knew was that he needed to hear those sounds for as long as possible. He put his arms under his hoodie and trailed his arms over his firm abdomen and wandered upwards until he found the other boy's nipple. He felt bold and was rewarded with a whine when he flicked it. "So you like that, don't you." Erik felt Mathias bury his head on his shoulder and could feel the other boy blush. "Yeah. Ugh, it's so embarrassing but I don't want you to stop. I love it when you touch me. I missed it so much." Mathias didn't remove his face from his shoulder and Erik tweaked his nipple again for good measure and chuckled at the reaction he envoked in Mathias. "Oh, it's not embarrassing. It's so incredibly hot. I just want to touch you and kiss you all the time. The noises you make turns me on more than anything I've ever experienced before." He wanted to erase all those other experiences and rediscover each and every one with Mathias. Mathias flinched a little but sounded composed when he spoke. "So you have experienced this before?" Erik nodded silently. "Yes I have. I've travelled to Bergen on the weekend and hooked up with a couple of people. It never felt right. How about you? You were in a relationship with Elias for some time, didn't you do anything?" He spat out Elias' name but couldn't find it in him to care. Mathias just responded by kissing him even more and rutting frantically against him. Then he stilled and looked Erik in the eyes. "We did a couple of things but for me it felt like somethings I was obligated to do. Not that he forced me to it, more like I forced myself to it. But it felt wrong and towards the end I only made excuses to not do more than cuddle." He looked away, like Erik would think he was weird or something. "I thought I was asexual for a while, 'cuz I wasn't attracted to him. His hair was all wrong and his lips was too chapped and I couldn't talk to him about things like this. We never talked when we hooked up, I was inexperienced and he took the lead without a word to me." Mathias looked regretful and buried his face in his neck. Erik resumed his stroking on Mathias' back and could feel him relaxing into his touch. "I'm sorry about that. Sex should be something amazing between two people who love each other. And trust and communication is so important. It was almost the same with me. I went through the motions almost like a robot and hoped it would feel good. But it felt wrong. I had a fuckbuddy until a month ago. I want to erase those memories and build new ones. With you." He continued on: "When you're ready." He got awarded with a new kiss, this one softer than any up until now. "What if I'm ready now? What if I don't want to take it slow? I've been more turned on these last twenty minutes than ever before." Mathias' face looked so innocent like those word had no effect on Erik at all. "Uungghh. You can't just say that when we're sitting here fully dressed where anyone can interrupt us." He was so horny he could hardly get the words out. Mathias sent him a shit-eating grin. "Sooo.. Your place or mine?".