Chapter Text
If I said I’d never thought about my own death before, it would be a lie. The idea had haunted me for a long time, the jeering of high school bullies still ringing in my ears even now as my heart thudded with adrenaline.
I had thought about secretly disappearing into the night, with no one to miss me except my parents; a mother who would be quietly relieved that she was no longer tethered to one place, and a father who only saw me for two weeks of the year. They would both be sad, of course, but it would just be one more tragic puzzle piece to their past, and they would get over it.
I had considered jumping off bridges - that had felt too dramatic - or stocking up on too many painkillers and peacefully fading away into my blankets. I had done far more than just think about it some days, and the raised scars on my upper arms and legs served as proof. I had so desperately wanted to die, to disappear, to never have to face the people who knew me ever again.
Then, in the last few months, I had more reason to think about death than most. Even so, I couldn’t get my head around the prospect that my death would belong to anyone else but me.
Of all the possibilities to ever cross my mind, though, I hadn’t expected this. I had always thought that my death would come at my own hands. I braced myself even as blood rushed in my ears, steeling myself to face my fate. I blinked away a tear, hoping he didn’t see.
I had never thought that, as I greeted death, I would be overwhelmed with the desire to live.
At least , I thought, if I have to die, it will be to save the people I love.