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"we all have new rooms" Edd said bluntly as he stood in the doorway of Tord's new place, just across from his own door. The complex was small, but Tom did buy the whole thing.
"I know" Tord said quietly as he looked around the place, anything else, he was too ashamed to look at Edd, even in his peripheral vision.
They both stood in awkward silence for a while, too long for either of them to feel comfortable, Tord placed his hand on his scarred arm, he remembered the pain he was in when Tom shot down his robot, it was somehow easier to bare that memory than the guilt of hurting Edd. He thought it would help.
"I don't get it" Edd broke the silence, making Tord jump a little, "you come back, you say we aren't friends and destroy the house. But then you come back and ask for another chance? What is wrong with you?" Edd snapped at him, Tord felt as if he had just impaled his heart with the words. He stayed silent for a short moment.
"I... I thought..." Tord started, then stopped to consider how to word how he felt. He loves Edd. He could barely think of the word 'love' and Edd's name in the same sentence. "I felt like I had to" he finally said. Edd tilted his head.
"What?" Edd asked, he didn't really sound angry anymore, he looked like he was ready to listen. Why?
"I felt... Disgusted at myself, the way I felt- feel, about you" Tord exhaled and just suddenly realised how much his body was suddenly trembling, he tried to hide it, he focused on Edd again, his calm demeanor and gentle voice always calming him. But this was different. He can't, he doesn't feel like he can reach out to Edd for comfort as he usually would.
"What do you mean?" Edd took a step closer, tilting his face downwards, it looked like he already knew the answer.
"My parents- and most everything, I absorbed so much homophobia as a child that I can't accept myself, or my sexuality, so I thought... If I made you hate me, I'd lose my feelings for you..." Tord's voice nearly broke, he shook his head to keep talking, but as soon as he met Edd's eyes again, a single tear rolled down his face, he resisted a sob and tried to get his composure back. Edd could only watch him, his voice failing him.
"Could you imagine my horror, when it didn't work? I hurt you, and broke my own heart, I love you, but-" Tord couldn't keep a loud sob from escaping him, he felt so dirty, explaining destroying their home, and just shattering whatever trust was left. Edd approached Tord as he tried resisting the breakdown he was clearly leading to. Tord stepped back but Edd already caught him and hugged him tight, he tried pulling away, but his body gave into the warmth quickly.
"I... I love you, but" Tord stopped at a sob, burying his face into Edd's shoulder,
"But you only know hate for it" Edd finished his sentence, he said it with a slight questioning tone, but he knew he was right.
Tord trembled in the hug, Edd understood. Why? How? He surely can't forgive him, can he?
There was a moment of silence, only filled by the faint sobs of Tord as he held onto Edd like he was the last thing here. He was definitely the last thing keeping him standing. Edd felt more and more of Tord's weight fall onto him, he leaned back and cradled Tord in a way that slightly held his feet off the floor.
"I can help you" Edd said softly, "would you let me?"
Tord raised his head from Edd's shoulder and rested sideways on his chest, "I don't deserve it." He replied with a slight hint of longing, he would absolutely love that, would.
"I think otherwise" Edd cupped the scarred side of Tord's face and rubbed his cheek, the fresh divots lining Tord's face were still narley and unhealed, it caused a slight shiver in Edd, but he didn't pull away, he leaned his face closer, only slightly. Tord nearly instantly noticed, he resisted an urge, an unfamiliar urge, to kiss Edd. No, no he resisted this before, only once, the day he left, he wanted to kiss him, but Tom and Matt were present, he didn't feel comfortable with that. But no one else is here, the urge pulled on him stronger, and with Edd so close, it would feel like a missed chance.
"Do you want this to change?" Edd lifted Tord's face, he knew he wanted the situation to change, to be friends, or more, with Tord. Edd watched as Tord's eyes darted from his eyes to his lips, he felt a flush of heat in cheeks, then leaned forward a little more, like he was giving Tord the green light. Tord hesitated for a second, but only for a second, he reached out to Edd's head, cupping his cheek and the back of his neck, he hesitated again as the gap slowly closed, but he didn't stop, and finally, finally, he leaned closer again and fell deeper into the kiss. Tord's eyes fluttered shut after a short moment, Edd's did too as he curled his arms around the shorter man. Tord's hands tightened on Edd's chest, he tried fighting the shameful thoughts that taunted him. Edd felt his discomfort and separated from him.
"Are you okay?" Edd said with a concerned look, his voice slightly off by the kiss, Tord looked away in shame, Edd released him and looked at him with a knowing expression.
"Don't worry, I'll help you get through it, I promise" Edd reassured him softly, cupping his scarred face, he believed Tord could overcome the intrusive thoughts, in time, but until that time comes, hold off on the kissing for a while.