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Caitlyn was tired. Her eyelids kept shutting against her will, and her hands were shaking. She looked at the screen in front of her, loads of words that wouldn’t enter her brain stared back. A groan escaped her lips as she stood up to get some more coffee, not accepting her defeat just yet.
She nearly fell asleep again, leaning against the kitchen counter as the next pot of coffee was brewing. She guessed it was around 4 A.M. The clock on the wall had died a few weeks ago, and Caitlyn couldn’t be bothered to fix it. With her phone locked in a box somewhere, desperate to avoid any kind of distraction, she found herself weirdly dissociated from reality.
Understandable, because her reality was shit. She was a student, so the dying inside part naturally came with it. At the end of the week, they had the last exam of the year, after that she could relax. After that she could get some rest.
Her eyes opened again, empty eyes tracing the wall as she picked up her mug and filled it with hot coffee. She shook her head slightly, refusing the slumber coming to pull her under. She brought the cup to her mouth and blew out some air, as if that would cool the coffee down immediately, and brought it to her lips. She burnt her tongue, as she was used to doing, and walked back into her bedroom.
The bed looked so cosy and inviting. Caitlyn thought about laying down for a few minutes, with her laptop of course. She could read while she got comfortable.
She shook the feeling off quickly and resumed to her initial position, knees up as a headrest, and hands on her keyboard. She continued to read some more, drink some more coffee and almost fall asleep for a few more minutes before the ringing of her doorbell took her by surprise.
She moved her cursor to the clock, which she usually hid to prevent distraction, and frowned at the time. Who the hell was knocking on her door at 5 A.M?
It took her some effort to get up, cramping in her legs. She walked towards the door and took a peek through the peephole. Her frown deepened as she saw the trembling girl in front of her door, completely soaked by the rain.
“Powder?” Caitlyn asked after she opened the door, immediately grabbing her arm and pulling her inside. “What are you doing here?”
The girl looked like she had been crying. “You weren’t answering your phone.” She stated, simple and true. “I needed to see you.”
Caitlyn looked at the drawer she knew she kept her phone in. “I’m sorry. I’ve been busy.” she said, suppressing a yawn. “Please take off those wet clothes. I don’t want you getting sick.”
Powder shook her head. “I’m not here for small talk, Caitlyn. I came here with a reason.”
She had already started peeling the coat of the girl, against her will if necessary. “Sit down.”
“It’s about Vi.”
Caitlyn froze. She turned her head and sighed. “What about her?” She put the coat over her heater, hoping it would dry up before Powder headed out again. “We haven’t really spoken.”
“Why do you think I’m here, Caitlyn?” She sighed, shaking her head. “Did you two..”
The sentence wasn’t finished, but Caitlyn knew exactly what she meant. She shook her head in response. “We didn’t break up, at least I don’t think we did. We just had a bit of a disagreement, that’s all.” She turned away from the girl and walked into the kitchen, grabbing some extra coffee and a blanket. When she came back into the room, Powder had already sat down on her couch. Caitlyn offered the cup and blanket, which Powder took with gratitude.
“So you guys fought?” She asked, gripping her trembling hands around the hot cup.
Caitlyn bit her lip and shook her head slowly. “Like I said, we had a bit of a disagreement. I needed time to prepare for my exam this week, and I told her I couldn’t meet up with her for a bit. It didn’t have anything to do with her, or our relationship at all, for that matter. I just really need to pass this exam, and she seemed to understand it.”
There might have been a chance that Caitlyn had misinterpreted what exactly Vi had thought about that conversation, considering Powder was currently sitting in her living room.
There was a bit of silence as Powder looked at her, taking her in. She then hummed as she turned her eyes away, staring at nothing. “She hasn’t been herself these past few weeks, Caitlyn.”
They locked eyes again, and the pain in her eyes caused a stinging feeling in Caitlyn’s stomach.
Powder took a deep breath before continuing. “She’s drinking again. She comes home late, covered in dirt and blood. She tells me not to worry about her, not to ask her any questions, not to bother her, but how am I supposed to do that when she won’t even look me in the eye?”
Caitlyn sat down in front of her, slowly nodding. “You’re worried about her?”
“I don’t think she’s been taking her medication.” Powder responded. “She’s not touching the food I leave out for her. I don’t even know where she goes at night, what she does to get herself beaten up the way she does. It’s killing me, and I don’t know what to do.”
“Is she home right now?” Caitlyn asked, biting her lip hard enough to draw blood. Could this have been avoided if she hadn’t been so stubborn, and had just looked at her phone every once in a while?
She only nodded, bottom lip trembling. Caitlyn got up and grabbed her hand, squeezing it tight.
“Don’t worry, Powder.” Caitlyn whispered softly. “It’ll be fine. I’ll go talk to her.” She got up and grabbed her phone, turning the device on. When it finally activated and she saw all the texts pouring in, from her mother, someone from her study group, Powder, and.. Vi. She groaned when she saw the amount of calls she’d missed, and contemplated banging her head against the wall. Instead she decided to pinch her skin, bringing tears to her eyes. “Fuck..” She whispered softly. She walked back towards Powder and offered her hand, which she took.
“I’ll drive you home, come on.”
She put the phone in her pocket and grabbed her keys off the counter, wondering how good of an idea it was to drive in her current condition, but she couldn’t get herself to care.
“Take the blanket.” She added, rubbing the back of the trembling girl besides her. “Did you walk here?”
She just nodded, clearly a bit embarrassed.
“Next time I’ll make sure to answer my phone. I’m so sorry, I should have known better.”
Powder shook her head. “Don’t apologise. You’re busy and you’re trying your best, I get it.”
When they finally sat down in the car, they both jumped at the sound of a phone ringing. Caitlyn took out the device and stared at the screen for a second, seeing Vi on the caller ID. She then answered the call, and was met with silence.
“Vi?” She then said, attempting to make the first move.
“Cait..” Her voice was hoarse and cracked in the middle of her name.
“Where are you?” Caitlyn asked, hoping to start a conversation as she started her car.
“I don’t want to see you.” Silence. “Fuck you.” She added after a few seconds.
Caitlyn frowned and bit her lip, fighting the tears. “Vi..”
“You don’t get to do this, Caitlyn. You’re a fucking bi-” She was cut off by Powder, who ended the phone call and looked out the window, avoiding Caitlyn’s glare.
She sighed. “That’s not any good, is it?”
“I’d hurry up if I were you.” Powder then said. “I don’t like it when she’s angry. It scares me.”
“Does that happen a lot?” Caitlyn asked, not familiar with that side of her girlfriend.
The girl looked at her. “Not usually.” The answer was short, she didn’t like talking about it.
Caitlyn just hummed and focused on the road ahead of her.
From Caitlyn’s apartment, it was a short drive. They both lived near campus and would usually crash at each other's places. At least, outside of exam season. It had always been that way, all three years that they had spent together had gone like this. She understood why this situation was different, but it bothered her that she didn’t know about it until now. She hadn’t always known about Vi’s issues, only finding out when she accidentally opened the wrong cabinet in her bathroom and found a bottle of benzodiazepines, along with empty bottles of lithium. She still remembered the look on Vi’s face when she walked in and saw Caitlyn with the bottles in her hand, embarrassed and hurt.
When she parked the car, Powder jumped out first, running towards the door. She opened it with a bit of struggle, hands trembling from both the cold and fear.
“I’ll see where she is. Just sit down in the living room.” Powder told her, and Caitlyn nodded.
She did as she was asked and sat down on the small couch. She wasn’t sure how to sit, what attitude was the right move. She heard some rumbling coming from upstairs and considered checking it out, but remembered what Powder had told her, and stayed put.
Then, the stairs creaked, and Caitlyn’s head shot up to the door frame.
Vi appeared, looking absolutely terrible. The black circles around her eyes were huge, and she appeared thinner than usual. She froze when she laid eyes on Caitlyn, bottom lip trembling.
“What are you doing here?” She started.
“Powder showed up at my doorstep.” Caitlyn replied, getting up and walking towards Vi. “She’s worried about you, Vi.” She attempted to touch Vi, who dodged her arm and walked around her.
“I’m fine.” She walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge, grabbing something.
“Can you not?” Caitlyn asked, tearing the bottle from her hands. “You stopped, remember? You promised me you wouldn’t drink anymore.”
They locked eyes. Vi stared at her, a fire burning in her eyes. “You promised you would be there for me when I needed you.” She grabbed Caitlyn’s hand and retrieved the bottle. “I guess we’re both liars.”
Caitlyn shook her head. “That’s not fair, Vi. I didn’t know.” She grabbed her shoulders and softly pushed her out of the kitchen, hoping to make the conversation a bit less hostile. “If I’d known..”
Vi pushed her away. “You would have known if you had answered your phone. You would have known if you had read your texts. You would have known if you cared enough.” Her voice was strangely calm. She sat down and stared at her trembling hands.
The other woman joined her, contemplating holding her hands again. “I know. I’m sorry.” She looked at her face again, taking in the curve of her jaw. She notices the scratches and small bruises on her temple. Tears started to leak from her eyes, as much as Vi was visible trying to fight them. She bit her bottom lip, almost drawing blood, and looked to the side where Caitlyn was sitting.
“I doubt that.” That same cold tone again.
Caitlyn shifted in her seat. “You’re angry with me. I understand that, and I probably deserve it. You know what bothers me here, Vi?” She paused for a second, noticing the panicked eyes in front of her. “Your sister having to walk 15 minutes in the pouring rain, crying at my doorstep because she’s worried about her sister. She tells me you haven’t been eating, that you’re drinking, that you leave at strange times and won’t talk with her at all.” She shook her head, trying not to yell at her. “I deserve your anger. Your sister doesn’t deserve to sit here every night, scared that you’re gonna end up dead in a ditch somewhere without her knowing. Can we agree on that?” She placed her hand on Vi’s knee, who didn’t immediately push it off.
Vi opened her mouth, but couldn’t get any words out. “I’m not well, Caitlyn.” She eventually muttered out, voice cracking in the middle of her sentence. “I don’t sleep, and when I do, my head is filled with nightmares. I just feel so numb all the time. I don’t know what to do anymore.” Tears escaped her eyes.
“Vi..” Caitlyn answered, slowly touching her cheek. “Why aren’t you taking your medication? That could explain a lot here, you know that as well as I do.”
“I got prescribed new ones, and they make my body feel like it’s on fire.” She breathed out heavily. “It hurts my stomach, I can barely drink water. I figured that I would be better off without them.” She didn’t continue her sentence, but the look on her face told Caitlyn everything she needed to know.
She touched the bruise on her jaw, that had clumsily been covered by makeup. “And all of that makes you go out and fight?”
Vi flinched at the touch. “I fell down the stairs crawling up in the dark.” She looked at Caitlyn, desperation in her eyes. “Why couldn’t you just answer your phone?” Her voice broke, and she put her head on Caitlyn’s lap, softly crying. “I don’t understand.”
Caitlyn closed her eyes, guilt striking her stomach. “I’m so sorry, Vi. Please forgive me.” She used her hand to gently stroke her hair, trying to make her feel comfortable with the situation.
“I’m not angry with you.” She then said, catching Caitlyn off guard. “I’m angry with myself. I’m angry with myself for being the way I am, such a burden to you.”
Her hand stopped and moved down, nudging her to turn around and face Caitlyn. “Don’t say that. You’re not a burden, I’ve never seen you as such.”
A bitter chuckle escaped her mouth. “You come here, completely exhausted, after my little sister showed up at your door in the middle of the night, and you want to tell me that it’s not bothering you in any way? I know you’re annoyed, I can feel it with every word you speak to me.” She wanted to sit back up, but Caitlyn put a strong hand on her chest, forcing her to stay down.
“Listen to me, Violet.”
Her face twisted at the usage of her full name.
“I don’t want you to feel like that. I’ll do anything to make you feel otherwise. Please, just tell me what you need, tell me how you need me to help you. I love you, and I came here because of that, not because I felt obligated to do so.” She squeezed her hand again. “Tell me you understand what I’m saying.”
Vi bit her lip. “I understand.”
Caitlyn grabbed her head and gave her a gentle kiss. “Good.” She looked at the woman beneath her and smiled. “I’m here now. What did you want to talk about?”
“I don’t know.” Vi replied quickly. “I was just feeling lonely.”
Caitlyn wanted to pinch herself again. “Well, let’s make sure that doesn’t happen again any time soon. I’ll keep my phone on and close to me at all times, alright? So you can call me anytime you need me.”
Vi shot up and looked at her helplessly, holding her hand. “Are you gonna leave?” Her blue eyes left her own for the clock on the wall. “It’s late.”
“Do you want me to stay?” Caitlyn asked, turning her head towards the doorframe.
She didn’t get an answer, just a barely visible nod.
Caitlyn got up slowly, letting go of Vi entirely. “I’ll stay on one condition.” She looked around the living room. “You’re gonna eat something. You look malnourished.” She walked into the kitchen, not waiting for a reply.
Her girlfriend was quick to join her and sat down, looking at Caitlyn as she opened one of the cabinets.
“When is the last time you’ve eaten a proper meal?”
Vi just shrugged. “I ate something last night.”
A frown appeared on her face as she turned around, slightly cocking her head. “I’ve heard you don’t touch any of the food your sister leaves out for you.”
She heard a sigh. “Maybe she’s just not a very good cook.”
The attempt at a joke made Caitlyn grin a little. “Don’t let her hear that.”
“She tries her best.” Vi said, resting her head on her knees. “It kills me.”
“Vi..” Caitlyn tried, but she was immediately cut off.
“No. You were right, just now. I’m ruining her life as well as my own. I wish it was different, I really do, but it's the reality of things. I keep her tied down here, I keep her worried and I hurt her with my behaviour.”
Caitlyn wanted to scream at her, tell her that she’s not responsible for anything, that it’s not her fault, that she shouldn’t beat herself up over it, but she found herself frozen to the ground. How do you convince someone like Vi that they’re not a bad person, when she’s already told herself she’s a monster? Instead, she knelt down next to the chair and grabbed her hands, pushing her knees down.
“Listen to me.” She whispered, voice stern but kind. “Your sister doesn’t see you that way. Neither do I. She loves you more than I do. Sure, she struggles sometimes, even if she won’t admit it, but she knows as much as you do that it will get better. It will get better, because she’s here for you whenever you need her.” She paused, not sure how to bring her next sentence with kindness. “If you let her.” She settled on, waiting for a reaction.
“You’re right.” Vi pulled her up. “Do you think I’ll get better?”
It broke her. The words broke her soul into a million pieces. She looked down upon the girl in front of her, who had tears in her eyes.
“Yes.” She breathed out. “I do.” She gave her a kiss and pulled her to her feet. “But I do think you should be taking your medication. Or ask your psychiatrist for something else, if you can’t stand the ones they’re having you take right now.” She turned around and grabbed the finished product. A sandwich that was probably disgusting. She handed it to Vi, who gave her a weak smile as she took it.
Caitlyn watched her as she ate it. “You should get some sleep, Vi.”
She scoffed. “I could say the same about you. You look like you haven’t slept in days.”
Probably because she hasn’t, but Caitlyn decided to keep that thought to herself.
“Come on.” She extended her hand, which Vi took. She allowed herself to be pulled up and led towards the stairs. “So these are your new enemy, I hear?” Caitlyn asked, a weak attempt at a joke.
Vi didn’t laugh.
“You should say that.” She mumbled. “I only fell once. Hit my head a few times. I didn’t think it was that bad until I looked into the mirror the next day.”
Caitlyn hummed. She hauled the tired Vi up the stairs and opened the door to her bedroom, gently putting her down on the bed. “Take off your clothes. I’m going to check on your sister.”
She walked out of the room, closing the door to give Vi a bit of privacy. She had seen her naked countless times before, but didn’t think this was the time. When she opened the door across the hallway, she found Powder, asleep on top of her bed. Caitlyn sighed before slowly approaching her, not wanting to wake her up. She lifted the younger girl and put her under the covers, as gently as she could. She looked at her for a few more seconds before turning off the light and closing the door.
Vi was already under the covers, staring at the ceiling. When Caitlyn walked in, she looked at her for a short moment before returning her gaze upwards. “You could find someone better.” She whispered, thinking Caitlyn couldn’t hear.
“What?” She responded as she joined Vi in bed. She looked up as well, trying to see what was so interesting.
“It would be so easy for you to just find someone better. Someone that’s better for you than me.” She turned around, facing Caitlyn. “Why are you still with me?”
She put her arm around Vi. “You keep me afloat, Vi.” She let Vi rest her head on her chest. “I’ll always be here for you.”
Vi buried her face in her neck. “I’ve missed you.”
Caitlyn smiled. “I’ve missed you too.”