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~{Attention crew members. Someone didn’t follow proper safety precautions “ₕₑᵧ!” during their latest experiment and as of now everyone who breathes is under the influence of a compulsive truth serum. We, uh, hope it’s non lethal but knowing Eln you can never be sure. So until further notice The Dealer has demanded we all remain separate in our personal rooms. If you notice any adverse effects please send a digi-note immediately.}~ Raz’s voice had filtered through the spaceship's intercom system with the kind of professional-in-the-face-of-bullshit tone only he could have.
When it came to an experiment gone wrong, there was a very fine line between keeping the residents of the ship well informed, and keeping them calm. Sometimes a faulty experiment could be cleaned up before anyone even noticed, a PSA could just create hysteria and cause the situation to spiral rapidly out of control.
In this particular instance they made the wrong choice.
A truth serum unwillingly and unknowingly being shot into everyone’s respiratory systems was a hugely compromising factor for a team of people whose entire enterprise revolved around well timed lies and half truths. Not to mention the fact that nearly everyone on the ship had an asshole streak longer than the pillars of creation and would needlessly take advantage of their temporarily compromised coworkers.
Unfortunately one of these assholes was an over powered mini god of stupidity and chaos who refused to sit still.
“Hey timmy,” Raz started
“Yeah?”
“Do you remember the PSA I gave about 6 seconds ago?”
“Yis,”
“Cool cool, did you understand it?”
“100%,”
“I bet. So you wanna tell me what we’re all doing in the same room?”
“Having a slumbie bitch :D,”
All six breathing crew members sat flat on their asses in a perfectly portaled circle, in what might have resembled prayer if it weren’t for the murderous rage radiating through the room. The Dealer in particular was so tense it seemed his smoke screen was seeping through his feathers.
Not everyone was upset though. Monroe lounged next to his fuming counterpart, the epitome of delight. Despite being paid to be The Dealer's right hand man, and generally doing a good job of keeping peace, few things entertained Monroe more than when the owl masked man lost his composure.
[Come on,] Monroe’s hands were shaking with barely contained laughter. [It’s like a team bonding activi-]
A gunshot rang throughout the room.
Timmy’s eyes rolled back in his head as teal blood rolled down his forehead. The Dealer lowered his pistol and would have made a break for it were it not for the sliver of pride he’d die before he let go of. Calmly and professionally he power walked like a bat out of hell, sliding the doors open and snapping them shut faster than seemed physically possible.
Raz’s screen flickered over to the security camera that showed him full sprint running down the hallway. “Oh oops,” he half heartedly tried to cover his glass face while Monroe made horrible garbling sounds of laughter, his bandages became blotted with red.
Before the light had even returned to Timmy’s eyes, a portal opened up in the ceiling and The Dealer fell through like a cat in a shower.
Monroe’s laughter erupted. Literally. Blood squirted out of his bandages splattering all over his white clothes and John’s face.
“Oh wow hey Dealer, glad you could make it.” Timmy did a backwards roll onto his belly and promptly began swinging his legs. “Now that the gangs all here let’s play truth or punishment,”
“Truth or punish-“
“JOHN,” Timmy screamed and pointed his finger accusatory. “WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME?!”
The sudden question and tone made the poor boy's brain short circuit. He was just trying to wipe alien blood off his face -a task his sleeve was not well equipped to handle- and now his brain was scrambling to remember what the fuck WAS his middle name, all the meanwhile his only coherent thought was a well trained “never give your full name to unnatural creatures,”.
John stammered uselessly and then promptly turned around and threw up.
“Dude what the fuck was that?” Raz’s electronic voice radiated disappointment. “It wasn’t even that hard a question,”
*That was the effect of my invention! Not only does it create the compulsion to speak the truth but not doing so creates a nauseatic reaction so strong the victim will have little choice but to upheave the contents of their digestive organs!!!* Eln stated, metaphorical nose in the air, before realizing the spontaneous confession was also a result of his own experiment.
“Geez if you’re that desperate for someone to profess love to you, you should’ve just asked me 😜,”
*THAT IS MOST CERTAINLY NOT WHY I MADE THIS!!!* Elns telepathic voice ripped through everyone’s brains, loud, pissed, unadulterated truth. Raz just laughed it off. *However, you’ve foolishly made me realize this is the perfect opportunity to get you to admit- YOU ACTUALLY THINK ALL THAT OLD EARTH CRAP IS ACTUALLY LAME DONT YOU?!”
“Nope,”
*AAAAAA!!!*
“I feel like you didn’t think this through, of all of us here you hate puking the most, and I don't even have the capacity to. So keep on trying man it’s not like I have any secrets,” as soon as he finished the sentence, Raz’s body was convulsing in electric shock.
“… are you kidding me? I get FUCKING TAZZED?!”
Elns mad scientist laughter filled the collective mind space, John reflexively covered his ears and Timmy summoned popcorn kernels to munch on as the drama had officially begun
“Fuck you dude, I bet you did this shit on purpose to use us as lab rats!”
*That's right! A perfect crop of variability at my disposal! How could I not! My only mistake was believing my wrappings would act as a suitable filter to keep myself from harm's reach! Ah-*. A realization. A glance at his employer.
“Raz, you’ve been asking for additional funds to your research budget.” The Dealers' tone was sharp enough to cut steel. “Well it seems a large sum of money has suddenly become available, starting today your funding will triple,”
Eln, ever the level headed professional, promptly fell to his hands and knees, his own mind such a garbled frantic mess of cuss words and screaming that the telepathy only produced white noise.
“Hey Dealer is Raz ur favorite?” Timmy asked nonchalantly.
The room froze. The Dealer’s frame shook with the effort to remain silent, until a choking sound came from behind the mask and a small dribble of liquid slid past the miniscule opening in the beak. Monroe laughed again and The Dealer slammed a fist straight into his chest, more blood sputtered out past the bandages as Monroe coughed. John kept his hands over his ears. Maybe if he just didn’t hear anything he could survive this experience. But even just the horrid coughing was so damn loud.
Raz grinned and rested the corner of his head in his hand, “Yeah, but you’re not going to answer anything while under the influence are you?” He said knowingly. A gloved middle finger was shot his was along with more horrid sounds of The Dealer choking down bile.
[Here’s a question I’ve always wanted an answer to~] Monroe’s fingers moved so melodically as he signed his words almost seemed to purr. [be honest, have you ever thought of any of us sexually John?]
Covering his ears was not enough. He hadn’t known the question was directed at him until it was too late. His eyes widened as he felt the panic rising in his throat. No wait. That was puke.
The human let out a pitiful whine. “This is awful, I wanna go home,”
*How is this any different from your usual?!* Eln demanded. *It's a remarkable day when you don’t spill your horrid stomach fluids!*
John’s voice cracked as he pointed a defensive finger at Timmy, “It’s not my faULt he’s full of nauseating horrors!” A general murmur of agreement sounded amongst the crew members as Timmy grinned, a kernel of popcorn stuck on the point of each of his teeth. “You all make fun of me so damn much, when in reality you’re all so used to this you forget how crazy it is! I bet none of you were better off when you first left your home planet!”
“I can’t remember,” Raz flashed a peace sign.
*My first experience with space was intended to be a slow and painful death, as punishment for my “reckless” advancements to science. Only to be met with my fate of horrid servitude at the hands of a masked psycho capitalist,* Eln crossed his arms and glared daggers at The Dealer who was too busy willing his body not to wretch with the compulsion to answer with his own back story.
[I was actively trying for years to get off planet, and when I finally did I made ridiculous amounts of money as a sperm donor ♡] Monroe was by far the most relaxed out of all of them, even compared to Raz. But then that was to be expected. He was the resident drama enjoyer, if Timmy wasn’t around to start shit and make things interesting Monroe’s own mischievous side would come to light. That combined with the fact that he’d been alive and mischievous long enough, and garnered so much black mail material on himself, that not being ashamed of anything was a necessary survival tactic.
“Btw whatever happened to Sasha?” Timmy asked using a mini portal to the sun like a bunsen burner on a piece of popcorn.
Monroe -with the well timed precision of a man who’d spent several years a drunk disaster- ripped his bandages off and spun around to heave.
“Oh?” Raz’s screen lit up with excitement.
*Tell us, who is Sasha?*
[A woman from my past,] Monroe supplied quickly, as The Dealer chuckled quietly. Blood poured out alongside the stomach acid, a sight revolting enough to make John puke again.
“Jeez, we need buckets or something,” Raz sighed. A portal opened up and a pumpkin fell into his lap. He looked at Timmy. “A bucket?”
“Yeah,”
“Ok,”
*Here’s a question, you don’t actually think you can see all of time and space can you?*
“I can’t see all of time all the time but usually,”
*WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?*
“What Eln means is,” Raz jumped in, “Is your time vision real?”
“As real as you are,” Timmy supplied ‘accidentally’ biting off his finger tip as he continued to eat popcorn.
“What does-“
[I have a question for you actually,] Monroe chimed in. [Do you actually want to eat John?]
“Oh fUCK DONT ASK HIM THAT I CANT HANDLE THE ANSWER!” John shrieked.
“I don’t know. Sometimes I didn’t, and other times I’ve,” he sucked the blood out of the top of his severed finger.
“…”
[…]
“…”
*…*
“Eln your truth serum sucks,” Raz droned, dogging the hammer that had been thrown at his head.
*IT'S NOT MY FAULT WE DON'T HAVE A CONTROL GROUP!*
“Yes, it very much is jackass!! God you’re always like this! You’re such a capable scientist but you're so damn sloppy and impulsive! Every time you get close to doing something really amazing you go and fuck it up somehow,”
*At least I’m not a sniveling coward bound by the shackles of the fear of failure, endlessly running simulation after simulation and burying my head in the sand of numbers and equations rather than ACTUALLY FUCKING DOING SOMETHING!*
“HOW THE SHIT DOES POISONING YOUR COWORKERS COUNT AS DOING SOMETHING?!?!”
*DON'T BE A BABY, YOU WEREN'T POISONED!*
“NOT TODAY!”
Blood rushed to Elns “head” tinting him in a furious blush. *Don't pretend you perform your role devoid of sin! Why don’t you tell us what secrets you’ve seen from your ever active security cameras!*
A few small sparks lit up at the end of Raz’s cords before he gave in to the compulsion of the sirum, “I’ve seen the twins fucking,” his screen glowed in a blush of his own as he hung his head in disgust.
Silence sat in the air for a moment as Eln glared with an aghast horror.
[Was it hot?]
“They get freaky with it, but tbh I thought it was really gross so I try not to pay attention,”
Monroe nodded like this was a totally reasonable reaction.
“For fucks sake do any of you ever get along? I don’t understand how you continue to do this day after day,” John muttered, mostly to himself, his head resting in his hands.
“It’s not like they have much choice,” Timmy noted casually.
*My place on this ship was decided by that masked dictator, and should I -or anyone else for that matter- attempt to leave, our sudden lack of resources would make us sitting ducks for the police.*
[Plus, Dealer’s a control freak and an ex employee running around unaccounted for is a liability he can’t handle. He’d probably kill us.] Monroe stated plainly. [Though I can’t say for certain, he’s gotten softer maybe he’d-] The Dealer slammed Monroe’s skull down on his neck stump.
Even through the mask The Dealers labored breathing was obvious. His hands trembled slightly as he pulled them back to him body,
“Not me though!” Timmy sang proudly.
“Yeah, cause you’re so bat shit no one would believe any secrets you might spill,” Raz mumbled.
“Dealer’s had the means to kill me for a long time now. If he wanted me dead he would have done so by now,” Timmy continued. ”But in the past there were so few futures of that happening, and now there’s even less. Though there’s still some over there,” he pointed vaguely off into space and squinted like he was trying to get a better look at the air. “Honestly there should be more. Hey Dealer, why don’t you want to kill me?”
That was the final straw. A click and a hiss sounded as The Dealer slipped the mask halfway up his head. Smoke plumed out endlessly and covered his mouth as the serum finally won against him and he emptied his stomach into a nearby trash can.
“Fuck,” he panted. The mask came the rest of the way off. The smoke screen held strong and yet it still seemed such an alarming state of vulnerability John pinched his eyes shut.
[Holy shit he’s naked,] Monroe got a middle finger for his stupid remark.
“This doesn’t answer my question,” Timmy noted, decently bored with the reveal.
“Why don’t you tell us why you haven’t killed us, despite being perfectly able and willing,” The Dealer diverted with another small upchuck.
“That’s stupid, cause you’re funny. And besides you’re supposed to take good care of your stuff,”
*Stuff?*
“Yeah, like how Dealer has all his trinkets, Raz has movies, Monroe has the fucking toys. You all are my favorite things and I like playing with you so I need to remember to not break you,”
*Why you insolent shit riddled blood bag!*
“No, that tracks actually,” Raz crossed his arms as he looked back.
“How are you so nonchalant about this?!” John shouted.
“Well,” Raz leaned back on his hands. “We’re black market traders. Lots of aliens view us as stuff. Right Eln?”
*If I couldn’t inhabit your body I would sell your taxidermied skin to buy a Bunsen burner,*
“Yeah like that,”
[Raz also gets very literally objectified a lot by robot fuckers. Speaking of which, come clean on the whole “radiation melted my nethers,” bit that you do when prospected,]
Raz sighed and gave into the effects of the drug. “It’s a lie I tell cause I’m uncomfortable and don’t know how to turn them down. That being said, radiation really did melt my ribs together,”
*I KNEW IT!!*
“Speaking of uncomfortable, you are so freaky obsessed with my body. I bet you wouldn’t even know what to do with it if you got it,”
*On the contrary! I have already created a prototype mechanism to expand that pitiful threshold you call a charging capacity!*
“Really? Could I see it some time?”
*Well-! It is a marvel of engineering -and while I’d rather save it for the day I decapitate you… it would be a shame to let my creation go to waste… SO MAYBE!*
“Hey thanks man, I appreciate it!” Raz smiled warmly and Eln gagged. An uncooked popcorn kernel was flicked at Eln’s head. The parasite turned slowly towards his grinning assailant.
*Do it again shit lord.* The sound of a leather grip tightening over a philips head punctuated his sentence as Timmy loaded up another kernel in his fingers.
“Timmy, tell me why you never bothered to mention your brother before,” The Dealer commanded. The kernel flew from Timmy’s fingers but missed its mark entirely, evading a screwdriver bludgeoning, for now.
“Cause I don’t like thinking about them so I forgot,”
“Them? How many others are there?”
“Used to be four hands of siblings,” he held up ten fingers, “But four of them didn’t even hatch, and then we started fighting and now there’s only some,”
“How many is some?”
“I can’t tell,”
“What do they want with you?”
“I don’t know,”
“To what extremes are they willing to go to get what they want?”
“Yes,”
Up to this point, nearly 100% of The Dealer’s concentration had been going towards keeping his mouth shut and his stomach down, now that that bridge had been crossed and summarily burned there was nothing holding him back from taking advantage of the opportunity.
“Are you the heir to the Klykolian throne and did you know this?”
“I don’t think I’m the heir in any way that matters, and I don’t know if I knew. I don’t like these questions,” Timmy’s toes toyed with the straps of his flip flops, his claws tapped firmly against his arms.
“Why did you leave your home planet in the first place?” The Dealer held unbreathingly still, even his smoke seemed to slow to nothing.
“Dealz-” Raz tried,
“Shut up,” The Dealer pressed on with his interrogation. Holding Timmy like a rat in his proverbial talons. “Even if it was just an act of impulse, why did you never return and why has it taken them this long to find you?”
“It’s just tag and they suck as being it,” Teal tinted timmy’s claws as his tapping became more fevered.
“It’s not really tag is it?”
“It should be!”
“What else are you not telling us?”
“I don’t…. I don’t know,” The arrows in his eyes spun wildly, as a few seemingly incomplete baby portals popped in and out of existence around him.
The sound of Eln scratching down notes with a pen and paper broke the silence. *Good to know that the serum cannot bring forth subconscious truths. This is valuable information very valuable indeed,* he laughed lowly to himself and rubbed his evil little hands together, as a portal opened up over The Dealer and drenched him with sea water and a few stray fish.
“No more questions about my boring family. What about your mom huh?”
“My mother is fucking dead,” The Dealer threw a fish at Timmy
“Oh hey me too, twinzies-wait shit I said no more Timmy family lore,”
[Having dead parents hardly counts as noteworthy lore in this group,]
John muttered before he could stop himself, “Maybe that’s why you’re all so fucked up,” belatedly slapping a hand over his mouth.
Monroe laughed again and patted John on the back, [You would be a momma’s boy wouldn’t you!] John groaned and attempted to hide in his sweater.