Chapter Text
You find yourself behind your allies. Everyone's getting ready to go.
Right!! You're leaving for your next trip. You're going together. They know. You're free now.
You open your mouth to speak, to thank them for everything, you love them so much.
…
They don't respond.
You speak again. You hear your own voice.
They don't.
They start walking, chatting happily between each other.
You follow them, asking what's going on.
No answer.
You raise your voice, maybe you're being too quiet! You're known for not taking a lot, right? But you will change!! You can change for them!!
You love them!!!
But
They
Don't
Hear
You.
You desperately scream as loud as you can.
They wince, they react— As if your voice was a shock wave from a far away explosion. You keep screaming and screaming and they're in pain and their heads crack open and you're alone and you did this to them you did this—
You jolt awake in the House, there's someone touching your shoulder.
“Sif??? Sif, wake up!”
Ah. Another nightmare.
You look to your side— “Isa…” You mutter, still becoming aware of your surroundings.
“Bad dream, huh?”
You nod.
“Phew… I figured.” There must’ve been a reason, a noise or a gesture out of your control, out of your consciousness. He smiles slightly, worried. At least you’re sleeping again.
To put it lightly, the past week has been weird. You slept for 3 days straight— Except for eating and going to the bathroom, your body was catching up with the husk of a person you became for what felt like an eternity—
(How do you come back from that? You wish you knew, but you don’t. You don’t think anyone knows.)
Then you couldn’t sleep as long as your body was healthy enough for you to fear your own dreams.
But you're better!! Yes, you just had a bad dream, but your hold on reality hasn't been this good in— Well, you guess it's a week for your friends, and for you, it's been…
… Why think about it?
You close your eye, breathe in, and out. You feel Isa start to leave you to rest, so you speak up, “I’m not going back to sleep.”
Which is your best way to say, ‘please don’t go yet’.
Maybe he sees it in your eye as you look at him again. “Oh, okay.” He says, trying to seem casual about the fact that you want him there with you, to respect your right to feel bad after a nightmare, but he'd be smiling so much wider right now if he wasn't so tactful. “Well, if you're sure about it, it's already morning AND time for breakfast, so it's not a bad time at all to get up.”
You give him a small smile— Not forcing it, really, as you sluggishly sit on the bed.
“Are you feeling up for it?” He asks, clearly not wanting to push you or anything. Everyone has been so thoughtful about you.
“Mm, yeah. I’d rather—” Stay awake, experience the House with its bright shades and no Sadnesses around, consciously aware of the people you love hearing you and reacting to you in ways you can’t predict, move around in ways that don’t have to be the right ones, “—Not have to eat leftovers, you know?”
He laughs, “They always make plenty…” He trails off, somewhat understanding where you’re coming from, or it could be very obvious given how your face twists beyond your permission, “… But it’s nice to eat without reheating, I know!”
Plus, nightmares or not, you’re leaving for Bambouche tomorrow!
You all decided last night— The day before that, a sleepover did help to put you to sleep. Maybe some of the things you know still give you comfort, or you’re bigger on sleepovers than you thought; but Bonnie has been insisting and asking at any given opportunity when you’re going to see Nille, when you’re all leaving, she’s waiting for them!
Before last night, everytime you told them you were ready and you all could go the next day, they also snapped and yelled at you— That you had to eat and get better and rest before going!!
They were insisting on both things with such an intensity… It really tested your ability to supress doing everything right.
You haven’t mentioned it, you don’t know if you should.
(This doesn’t come with a manual. That’s ok. But you’re starting to itch for a blinding manual anyway.)
(How many times are you allowed to say you’re fine, hoping it becomes true, before it’s too late again?)
(But you have to believe it, at least a part of you has to. No moving forwards if you don’t.)
Oh, you find yourself arriving at the table.
You have to stop zoning out. Bad habit, you don’t need it anymore!
Everyone else is already there, not really waiting for you specifically— But there is an empty seat and a full plate. That makes you smile.
After a round of ‘good mornings’ from everyone, you included, you sit down and eat.
You make a conscious attempt at not zoning out. You hear Bonbon talk about the roads they remember back in Bambouche, Odile making an estimate on how many days it’ll take all of you to get there, Mirabelle is both participating and distracted with the rest of the housemaidens coming and going… But you’re not the only one being quiet.
You glance at Isa, curious. He’s just eating. You guess a guy can just eat. Can’t do that and talk at the same time, huh? Though he’s had you convinced it was possible.
It’s not the first time you just look at him— It’s comforting, in a way, almost complicit. Not the first time he’s quiet at the table either.
This time he reacts, though. Like you’re waiting for him to say something. You’re not, so you just look progressively more confused.
Since… You already know all about his feelings for you…? So…?
“Hey, Sif.” he smiles, charming, probably to gather up courage, “So I… Well, uh… I wanted to ask…” Oh, stars, please allow him to say it, you won't be able to handle this again if he doesn't, “… Would you like to have our first date, today?”
Thank you, stars, you did something good for once.
You still choke on your bread, though.
And, you know when everyone organically goes quiet and then you’re choking on your bread and it’s loud enough for everyone to notice you’re coughing?
How embarrassing.
Isabeau hesitates, but gives you a few pats on the back to help— You flinch, he flinches and stops, it’s a mess. You have to give him a thumbs-up, “t-that helps—” you say, weakly, and he gives you a few more pats. It’s just that you’re coughing and self conscious and embarrassed so being touched startles you even if you’re ok with it. Too many words to say right now.
“Careful.” You hear Odile’s voice, you hear her smile. The way she says it is almost patronizing, but loving in the way you’ve learned to tell.
“I’m— I’m fine, thanks.” You say for everyone to know. See? That’s a very reliable, peer-reviewed ‘I’m fine’ moment, while still saying the truth. You can still do those! You drink some tea to wash it down.
Well, you still have to reply, don’t you? You clear your throat a few times… “I...” … And notice everyone is STILL looking at you, in silence.
You can see Bonnie looking at all of you trying to figure out why you’re so quiet all of a sudden, and as they open their mouth to ask what’s going on, Odile acts first—
“So, Boniface, what were you telling us about the rainy season?”
“Ah, yeah. When it rains too much, fishes jump across this bridge! We try to catch them in the air and…”
Great, background noise again. You mentally thank Odile for that, for whatever reason she did it. This way, you can look at him and answer, “I… I’d like that, yeah.” You smile, even though that was far more mortifying than it should have— Probably neither of you would’ve expected the whole choking on bread thing, really.
(But you should get used to your bad luck— You ran out of retries, forever. Hopefully.)
He exhales like he was holding his breath the entire time, his smile wider than before. “Sorry about that— I mean, didn’t wanna startle you.” He does look apologetic, but still riding the joy of you accepting the date. “But… Really????”
You smile and nod. Since this past week has been weird— It’s not like you’ve forgotten about the date thing, not at all, you were just… Not really sure what to do for it. And you couldn’t bring it up if you didn’t know what to do for it.
“Awesome!! So, let’s meet up in two hours at the Change God statue?”
You nod again.
Does he have something in mind? You’re infinitely curious.
Right after you’re done with breakfast and on your way to worry about the date on your own, Mirabelle stops you.
“So. What are you going to do?”
“… About what?”
“Your date!!! Obviously!!!” She was close enough at the table to hear it first-hand!
You blink several times, blushing, “I… Don’t know??? Isa was the one who asked, wasn’t he?”
“Well, yes, but you can’t just— Are you going to show up like always?”
“… What’s wrong with showing up like always?” You squint, vaguely offended.
“It’s not wrong in itself, but…” She’s definitely not trying to offend you! She looks to the side, “Not only have I read enough romance novels, Isabeau has too, we’re avid fans!”
You know that, but you don’t know what she’s getting at.
“… So he’s probably planning on doing something special for this one, silly!!” She adds!
OH.
“Oh.” But… But…!
You have just realized you’ve never been on a date before. You have only the vaguest idea of what it must feel like. And you’re about to meet him for it…!!!
“’Oh’ is right!!”
Alright… You will NOT panic over this, “Okay, okay, what— What should I do, then?” Is there a Vaugardian way to show up on a first date?? You didn’t learn about that in any of your loops! There’s no guide!!!!
“Come with me, I’ll help you.”
You almost, almost ask her if that’s okay— If she’d be comfortable around the subject. But remember, no spoilers! Plus… You do think it’s okay for her if she’s not involved directly.
And the most important thing is she brought it up herself.
Meanwhile, there’s a few things you aren’t privy to. For those, we’d have to backtrack a little…
Last night, right after the sleep deprivation and the warmth of your family finally knocked you out, all you knew was that it raised morale! Spirits are high! You’ll be going back to the road soon! That’s what you all wanted, after all.
Before the rest went to sleep as well, someone with better foresight had to address it.
“Hey, Isabeau, do you have a second?”
“Yes, m’dame?”
“I have to preface this by saying we have less than 48 hours before departing from Dormont, as you already know.”
“Uh huh?” He’s assuming she’ll ask him for a favor, what could it be?
“From that point forwards, we’ll travel together for a good while. I, for one, am not planning on making any exceptional accomodations for the two of you.” Blunt as always, huh. “Of course, I believe you’re both grown adults capable of making your own decisions whenever you see fit.”
“…”
“… But if you’re going to have a date, tomorrow is the last day you’ll get to have the maximum amount of privacy possible for the next month or so.”
Oh. Wow. He… He did know that. But… “M-M’dame?? I thought our displays of affection disgusted you?” He replies lightheartedly.
“Of course they do, but I won’t stand for this ‘terrible wingmen’ fiasco.” She says with a smile. “The rest is up to you. I’m going to bed now.”
… Yeah. He didn’t know when it was going to be the perfect time for it. Now, it isn’t particularly relaxing to have just the one day to plan it… But he did need a little bit of a push to really do it.
He does have to make it as special as possible.
Aaand, back to the present. Or— Er, the immediate future. As usual, she’s in charge of buying supplies, checking her very neatly organized shopping list while at the store.
“Psst, M’dame Odile.”
“Hm?”
“… I’m kinda nervous.”
“Okay.”
“C’mon!! D-do I look good enough?”
“… Isabeau, you know I’m not—”
“I know! But— I’d still appreciate your opinion???”
“Fine.” She looks at him from top to bottom, expression unreadable. Probably making him even more nervous than before, “… I didn’t say you had to do this, mind you, but you do have a pretty decent sense of taste, for your age.” Which translates to ‘yes, you look good’, in Odile.
Isabeau lets out a sigh of relief. “Thank you, Madame.”
“The intent is nice enough, I think.”
“Haha, I know right??” He gives a very wide smile, “Thanks. See ya later.”
He quickly leaves the shop, not that his meeting place is much farther. Odile goes back to her list.
Not too long after, she feels a tug at her coat. “Hey, Dile…”
“Yes?”
“Are Za and Frin going to travel with us dressed like that??” They definitely think it’s weird a bad idea, and will tell them it’s weird and a bad idea if so.
She stifles a laugh, Siffrin did something too? Oh, that’s amusing. “No, no, I gather it’s only for today. We can only hope it’ll only be for today.”
(”What’s so special about today…?”)
Now that’s the end of the intermission, of what you can’t possibly know or imagine.
After going through what you’d only explain as a theatrical dress-up musical number— Other housemaidens couldn’t resist pitching in, it was way, way, way too much attention in one go— Your clothes are not only special to you, but they’re the best you’ve got, so there’s no way you’ll change. You could even argue that Isa likes them?? Oh, he didn’t check the stitching this time around…
Anyway, they resorted to adding decorations on you instead. They weaved some braids around your head, so they could place flowers in them. With the rest of the flowers they just got creative and used some pins to secure them around your shoulders, some on the pins of your cloak… You aren't sure about this.
(You will not get any other chances.)
(Okay, maybe you will, in the future, so it shouldn’t be that big of a deal, right? It shouldn’t feel like that big of a deal.)
(But it does!!!)
The Change God statue still gives you mixed feelings, but it’s not so bad. It still serves as a grounding tool, and in a way you don’t feel so small when you’re in front of it anymore. Though, now the one in front is Isa… Suddenly hiding something behind his back when he spots you.
He’s a little more accessorized— Not super different from far away, but as you get closer, you both can make out all the decorations on each other. He’s only wearing his sleeveless turtleneck, with a different, softer open overshirt tucked into his also different belt and lightless wristbands. He has a small flower with a circle-inside-a-circle brooch in the center in place of a bowtie. The pants and shoes are the same, but who are you to judge? You knew he was stylish, but you’ve never seen him actually trying like this.
It makes you smile, and you can’t tell that he’s trying to pull himself together as to not look like a fool in front of you. He wasn’t expecting it, he already likes you the way you are— But this, this is…
“Change…! Sif, you look…”
“Addressing it right away, huh?”
“Ppfft— Hahaha!!” He laughs not only from your joke, but out of embarrassment, excitement— This is really happening! “You look wonderful.” He smiles back at you, though you really don’t know what you’ve done to earn that. You feel a bit ridiculous.
“You too.” You only hope your smile is at least a fraction of his brightness in return.
Then, you try to look behind his arms, curious about what he got… You guess it’s for you? He notices immediately and straightens up more than usual.
“Okay, okay, um… Sappy alert, I got you this.” And he reveals it, placing a bouquet with flowers arranged around a center filled with a dozen pain au chocolats in front of you.
You gulp, starstruck by the gesture! “Oh, wow, Isa…” You grab it, inspecting it… You get both the smells of flowers and chocolate. Unusual, but not bad at all! “This is… I didn’t know they made these like this!”
“Me neither! I just got the idea last night and— Turns out it wasn’t that complicated?” He laughs.
You gently hold the bouquet like you could hug it, like it was him. “Thank you.”
He’s so sweet. “Shall we start our date?” He offers you his hand. You don’t think too much about it, you just hold it.
“Where are we going?” There’s a calmness you feel given the fact it’s only just noon. He won’t take you stargazing this time… So… What else will he come up with?
“Well… I thought about a lot of places we could go to, but I found myself wondering… Is there a place in town you’re not sick of anymore?”
You laugh a bit, nodding along. You could walk this entire town with your eye closed… But you don’t hate it, you don’t think. You’re not sure. Actually, maybe you do a little bit, but you’ll leave soon, so it’s okay.
… Then, you realize he’s waiting for you to actually tell him. “Oh, um… Oof, I guess… I liked the river over there.” That’s where you tried to fish, it was always relaxing. You don’t know if it’s particularly romantic. “And… The path up north?” That’s where you talked to him after shooing him from the Favor Tree, actually— Isn’t that ironic? You didn’t have much reason to go there otherwise.
“Oh, yeah, the view up there is nice, isn’t it?” He smiles, oblivious to what he can’t know.
You laugh at the irony and his nature, “It’s in my top favorite places around here.”
It’s not entirely true, you really aren’t sure, you just like making him laugh, and he does!
“Let’s go, then!”
The breeze still feels so familiar, as you walk up. You do feel cute, and a little self-conscious that the entire town can theoretically see you both. Is it obvious that you’re on a date? Given the bouquet and how you both look… Maybe you could’ve suggested just disappearing into the forest and never showing up again, that’s one thing you never tried.
At this time, there’s no one sitting there, just some birds hanging out. You can see the House, like always, but it’s no longer creepy and daunting. You feel yourself relax a little when you see it like this— So used to how it looked like before, all those times…
You both sit down.
Now that you’re here, early and calm, there’s an added gratefulness— You don’t have to help everyone to get to him. He’s not your prize at the end of a very long day. He’s here, with you, probably as long as you both want.
… Though, you don’t know what to do. He’s just looking at you, you’re both silent now. Do you have to speak up? Isn’t he going to take the lead always?
“Hahaha, I thought about so many things to say, but now that we’re here, it’s like everything went poof!” He admits.
You fidget by touching the bouquet’s paper, laughing quietly. If you wanted, you could recite his lines for him. But you don’t think he’d like that, and it wouldn’t do you any good. It’s one of those things you’ll have to try very hard to forget.
“It’s okay. If it helps, I have very little expectations.”
“What?” He laughs, “That doesn’t help!! I thought you’d have more faith in me!!”
“No, no— I mean— I— I’ve just never been—”
“I’m just kidding— Honestly…” A very comfortable breeze greets you both, he breathes in and you naturally follow. “… Normally, this is the part we’d spend time trying to get to know each other. But…”
Your gaze drops, “… But you don’t know what I know.”
“Yup. Which is— Kinda cool, in a way. But also, I don’t want to just go and assume things?” He still needs way more context to the part where you kissed him and it didn’t go well, because he just can’t naturally fathom that!! But it happened, apparently??? Which is still SO frustrating to him.
So maybe you could even know him more than he knows himself, at this point?
… No, not really. He was very careful.
“Mira was very against me telling her stuff she hasn’t figured out herself, and I really understood that— But you… Uh, I think you didn’t tell me anything you didn’t already know about yourself, actually…”
“Huh… I see.” He seems to connect some type of dots about this. “That explains some things, yeah.” He smiles, “And you had to listen to it over and over again, I guess? Must not be that interesting anymore.”
You kind of agree, but don’t want to, “Uh… It doesn’t feel like that.” You shrug. “I mean— You’re not entirely wrong, it’s just…” When the script was broken, when you could finally hear his confession, when time started moving forwards… “… It feels weird to say it now, but at some point I just kind of… Ran out of things to say or do. So… Uh, well… I guess that’s one of the things that really drove me insane.” You smile apologetically— You feel like you spoke too much— Like you shouldn’t be dumping your issues on anyone and that you’ve taken up too much of the conversation.
But he’s nodding, paying attention. It seems like he’s been waiting for you to open up.
Maybe you’d feel the same in his place, but you can’t help but think this is an awful topic for a first date. “Um… Oh! There’s something you might find interesting, though.” You say before picking the rim of your cloak and showing it to him. “This didn’t happen often, but you were really good at telling what made this special.”
“Really…?” He gets closer, inspecting it.
While he does it, you keep talking, “Something about the stitching, right? And that it was Crafted with a temperature regulation thing, and to grow alongside me, and it’s simpler in favor of functionality— Uh…?”
He’s no longer looking at it. He’s looking directly at you. And smiling— A very different kind of smile. It’s… Endearment. Yes, that’s his look of endearment. But… Why…?
“You’re so cool. It’s like you read my thoughts just now!”
You blush, “No— I— I just—” You really don’t deserve the credit, you don’t think!
It’s extra important to him since you specifically mentioned it didn’t happen often, but either way you remembered. That means a lot. “So I probably nerded out about this already, right?” His smile is so wide, you don’t get it, but you must’ve done something well just now.
You laugh a bit, still feeling shy, “Yeah, kinda." And oh, how it hurt back then, but he couldn't have known. "But it was one of those things— The things you were so smart about!”
He still can’t help but smile. He’s truly touched by your words! You still don’t get it!
You can’t take it, this is good, but you’re definitely not used to it at all! How could you? You look down— To the bouquet, yes. You haven’t even tried one of the pastries. “Um, do you want one?”
“Me? But I got them for you!”
“… Okay, but don’t say I didn’t offer.” You will probably munch them down one after the other without noticing. You take one and do as such.
“Aw, well, give me just one— These are really good.”
You spend a minute silently, almost comfortably eating the pastries, being in the moment. You want to treasure all the moments you’ll get, since you’ll only get one chance at living them now.
“So…” He breaks the silence, “… Did my very-cool-not-at-all-lame smartness only show during our time in the House, or did I tell you about how I was, like…”
“The nerdiest kid imaginable?” You exhale a small laugh, “Yeah.” It’s still very hard to picture.
He’s still impressed, fascinated. He’s also gathering as much information as he can from how he must’ve acted during your loops. “It feels like I’m talking about a ghost, you know? But everything I Changed myself about, I did for them…”
“… Yeah, you… You grew around them, like an armor, ‘till it became the real thing?”
“Yes!! Exactly!!” He has that face again, the amazement that you could read his mind. But it’s not like that…
You have to let him know it’s not like that, “That’s what you told me.” You smile, apologetically— No amount of love right now is going to wash away your guilt— But there’s something you never dared to say back, “And— And I think it’s amazing, that you’ve made it!”
Back during the loops, you couldn’t bring yourself to chime in, to say anything— You were barely holding in your tears, your suffering, and hearing him say that line— Everytime you heard that, you couldn't help thinking that the person you are today has grown around a void. Nothingness in your core. A disappointing fallen husk. Hollow, forever hollow.
With a better state of mind, you still feel that way. But you can be happy for him.
“I really made it, didn’t I?” He laughs, modest as he can. You both know he still wants to Change, and that’s great, but your words allow him to wear his heart full of love for the person he’s worked hard to become. “The best part is that it’s not over!”
Yeah, he can rejoice about that. The Change belief seems to suit him perfectly. And it’s nice to have something to look forward to, about yourself. Even you can relate a little bit, now that you’re free.
You smile and nod— Too well practiced, but genuine.
“Well…” He’s more energetic than a few minutes ago, he likes this, he likes talking to you. “… Now, for a change of pace, maybe you could tell me something about you? Something that didn’t come up in any of your loops?”
Oh, wouldn’t he want to know.
(Wouldn’t you want to know.)
You swallow the last bite of your last pastry.
“Um… I…” Suddenly, a cascade of thoughts come to mind. Most of them with a caveat, most of them actually stuff you’ve learned through the loops— Yay for self-discovery! But not exactly the most fun type. You can taste the sugar and chocolate and butter in your mouth and you hope, for the Universe’s sake, that they don’t suddenly lose their shine.
“There you are!!” A familiar voice startles you, but also saves you? “You’re going to miss lunch!!”
“Oh, hey Bonbon.” Isa smiles, much less surprised than you. Maybe he saw them approach while you were silently panicking?
Well, this is the price for not telling them you were having a date, right? But they’d interrupt anyway, you also think. It’s the price of a family, you’re okay with that.
“I still have your Endless Snacks, though?” You ask even though you’re getting up already.
“But those are snacks!! You need a full-course meal to feel better for tomorrow!!”
Granted, they don’t really provide full-course meals yet. And you’re better, but you know this means so much more to them— They’re afraid that, if they don’t do their best, you’ll feel sick again. “Okay, okay, how can I say no to your food?”
They smile wide, then look at Isa when he clears his throat— As if saying, what about me? They roll their eyes. “… Za, you also need to eat, I guess.”
(”You guess????”)
As you’re walking back to the House, you assume this is it for the date. That’s how these things played out, that’s basically all you know, so—
“Hey, Sif.” He says in his indoor voice, “Um… I would like to keep hanging out with you, after lunch. Would that be okay?”
… What?
You definitely make a double take, you even stop walking.
Are people allowed to do that????? To just keep hanging out after an interruption???
“… It’s fine if not, but I’m gonna need an answer here, Sif.”
“I… I wasn’t expecting it.” You resume walking and give him a small smile. “I’d… Really like that.” It’s new! You like things that feel new!!
“Yay!!! Yahoo!!” He’s so much louder than you ever expect. You’ll eventually get used to his sheer joy of you wanting to spend time with him.
(You should be the one feeling like that, but you’re still scared.)
It’s kind of awkward, coming back to the house looking like you do right now. Well, Mira knows why, and she’s very aware of it all— But assumes she’d be interrupting if she asked anything about your date this early. You don’t know what the rest thinks, you try not to worry too much about it as you eat.
(The pastries were filling enough, but the food is so tasty you still chew it all down!)
(You overhear Isa and Bonnie.
“Why are you both so weird looking today?”
“What? Can’t a guy want to look cute for a day??”
“… Ew.”
“You’ll get it when you get older, Bonbon.”
“I don’t want to!”)
You get out of the House as soon as you’re done with lunch, almost hand in hand with Isa— Yes, yes, you can even tell by the glances that everyone knows, c’mon— And what are you even going to do now?
… Oh, wait, you could go fishing! The Fishing One must remember— Oh. No. No they won’t.
But you can approach them anyway, and ask for a spare rod. They’re happy to help, and you’re always happy to know they probably don’t even care that you saved the country.
“Whew, I haven’t gone fishing in ages!” Isa says, looking at the river and at you, who’s wielding the rod right now.
You laugh, “Can’t say the same. But I never actually caught anything.” However, now you can see some fishes swimming around, so that’s probably a good sign.
Still… It takes a good while and nothing really bites yet. It’d probably be a good time to talk, right? But you’re very comfortable like this, sitting on the grass, Isa’s head sways with a little hum.
After not getting any bites, you pass the rod to him— Maybe he’ll have better luck. You let your body lean against his arm, relaxed. You can tell he reacts, but you try not to think about it, it can’t be bad, right?
Every minute that passes is a minute you could use to bring it up, to talk about yourself! But you bite it back. Your heart pounding in your chest is so much louder, you focus on the river flow, the nice weather, and the nice person you’re on a date/hang-out with.
It’s not like he pressed you any further.
“So… What do we do with the fish we catch?” He asks. Of course he isn’t even thinking about what you’re worried about. You smile even though he can’t see you.
“Look, I don’t know, I haven’t got far enough to fishgure that out.” You smirk and hear him laugh calmly (as to not scare the fish.)
“Aren’t ya going to bring them to the party? Hehehe.” The Fishing One asks.
Okay, first of all, read the room. Second of all, what? You part from your very comfortable position to kind of look at Isa with a confused face, but he looks back at you the same. So you both look at them.
“… What party?” Isa asks first.
The Fishing One might’ve realized they shouldn’t have said anything, so they feign ignorance and go back to fishing while humming.
(There’s no use, that one wouldn’t budge no matter what you said to them.)
You sigh, feeling that specific frustration— The fact that you can’t know everything, every side of every day, the fact that everyday you’ll get new surprises that might ruin the script! “Guess we missed the notice.”
Isa gives you a small smile, “I think it was supposed to be a secret.”
“Oh. Could be.” Somehow, that calms you down. You didn’t even know you were stressing out about it. It was automatic.
Suddenly, Isa’s stance changes. He firmly grabs the rod, “Wait, something’s biting!!”
“What?!” You knew he was luckier than you!, “For reel???”
He giggles, “D-don’t make me laugh, I’ll lose it!!!!” He complains, only because he has to. This is exciting, and he’s strong enough to do it!!
(Well, you are too, it’s a matter of luck.)
As he’s able to actually catch it, he overcompensates on strength and you watch— Almost in slow-motion— How he fails to grab it with his hands, and the fish instead collides with his face.
Ow. But he grabs it immediately after.
Still— You try to NOT laugh at his absolute dismay.
“…” He opens one eye to see you, his face wet and even a little slimy. “… Fine, fine, I see how it is. I’m just an ol’ fish face to you, aren’t I?”
No fair!! Now you can’t help but laugh way more than you wanted to!! You laugh until your sides hurt!!
He also laughs with you, happy to see you happy, “So? What do we do with it?” He still holds the fish as it is erratically struggling to get away.
You shrug, “Let’s give it to them?” You point at the Fishing One with your thumb.
Not like they’d care if there’s one fish more in their bucket. Plus… In a way, you do wish you could thank them more for what they did for you during the loops. Even if they have no idea.
After deciding that the fish smell doesn’t wash away with the river water, and seeing that the sun is starting to set, you both go on your way back to the House.
You find out that they’re indeed holding a small almost-surprise departure party at the House tonight. It’s not the same as the end-of-the-world party they held last week, but in general— You guess Vaugardians love their parties, could be a Dormont thing, even.
It feels even sillier to come back again, at the same place, looking the same as before— Like you want everyone to know you’ve been hanging out together with Isa all day. You haven’t decided that the date or the hangout is officially over, but you guess it’s a good enough time to consider it done.
… However… You can’t shake off that feeling. The feeling that even now, you’re hiding from him.
It was easy when he couldn’t say anything. When he was as much of a coward as you are. But now… He’s so open, so loving… And you’re nothing. Just the same unsavory old Siffrin who doesn’t know anything.
You’ve studied him like a book, against his will if that’s what it took. And even if he could open your book, none of the words would make sense. They’d be sharp knives pointed directly at his eyes.
But you didn’t ask for that. It’s just— Of course it’s easier to act as if there’s something you’re hiding on purpose, that way even you can start to believe it. But you know the truth now, and it’s not much better.
… Is it selfish that you want him to know? Or do you just want to rip off the bandaid, let him know he’s dealing with far more than he bargained for?
You’ll be traveling together for a good while now. Maybe if you opened up, and he got scared, weirded out, or whatever— It could… Distract him… Too much…
…
Oh, Stars… You wouldn’t ever, ever, have had the courage to confess in his place, would you?
Words are far more difficult than actions, and you’re not even very good at the latter.
You have to be different this time.
“So? How did it go?” Mira asks as she approaches you. You expected this much, in fact— You’re impressed she didn’t ask earlier. “It seemed like you were having a great time today.” She smiles sweetly, genuinely happy for you.
You’re still not very good at being open about your feelings or what you do with your days, still very private and you’d like a part of it to stay that way, but now that she asks… It’s not that you don’t want to tell her, it’s that… It doesn’t feel like it should be over yet, right?
“It’s true, it has been really nice so far.” You give her a smile back, then turn a bit more serious. “I’ll tell you all about it, I just— There’s something I have to do first.”
“Oh, of course! But you do have to tell me later!!”
“I will, I promise!”
With the same grace as you’d take a breather out of a social gathering, you approach Isabeau, who’s just listening at a conversation from some of the townspeople. “Hey, do you have a minute?”
“Sif?” He turns around, happy to see you. Happy as always… He has to get sick of you at some point, right? “For you, I have the entire clock.”
You blush and laugh a bit, out of embarrassment.
(If he could, he'd let you know this has been one of the happiest days he's had in a good while.)
“T-too forward?” He asks, with that gesture that makes himself smaller for a moment.
But you laughed, so he knows it couldn't have been so bad, “It's fine.” You smile.
“What did you need?”
“Um… I'd like to… Uh…” you hesitate for far too long.
He raises one eyebrow while still smiling, waiting on you. Given everything, he really has all the time in the world for you.
“… Could you… Come with me…?”
“Oh?” You can't read what his smile means, “Sure!” He doesn't even ask where, he waits for you to lead the way.
You walk up the House’s floors, much more straightforward than how it used to be. You spend the whole way up thinking about how to say it, if you really want to do it, if it’s really a good idea, but he’s already following you, not asking questions.
(You even walk past the King, still frozen there. It's ominous, what he must've seen. In fact, it serves a purpose right now, to remind you.)
Before the Last Floor’s door, you turn around and ask him, “W-would you like to see the stars with me?”
While the first time ever this topic was on the table for you it was thanks to him, but from his point of view you were the one to suggest it first— And he said yes right away, except you hurt him and hurt everyone else and you messed it all up— So, in a way he guessed stargazing might’ve been, indeed, a negative thing after all.
He wouldn’t have brought it up, at least not for the time being, but he did want to. It was on his mind for a while now, you know that.
So it’s not like he’s hesitating on it, he’s… Worried. “Sif… Yeah, of course, but… Are you okay with that? You… You’re shaking.”
… You are. “Oh, I g-guess I am…” You hold your own hands, as if that helps. You gulp, “It’s okay, I’m just— This is just—”
“We don’t have to do it—”
“No!” You hear the echo, the entire floor devoid of people— Everyone’s at the party, after all! But you wince from having yelled, and try to lower your voice, “No, I— I really wanna do it— I’m— I— T-the stars were beautiful, every single time you took me to see them, and I… I really appreciated that you learned about them because of me, and I never got to— Especially now, I didn’t get to do it, and I never told you how thoughtful that was.”
He spends a moment to parse this new information. So you do like it, it’s just complicated!
“But… I don’t know, Sif. Are you really sure?”
You nod, “It won’t be like those other times.” You say, to try and convince yourself of it, “And I… I know you want to know more about me, and this…” Ah, maybe this is stupid after all. It’s nothing. All you’ve got is nothing. Who cares about nothing?
He sees your attempts, and your quick loss of confidence too, he gets closer. “… Sif, it sounds like this is really important to you. That means it’s really important to me too, okay?” He offers you his hands, “I’d love to look at the stars— I barely know anything about them!” He smiles, wide, trying to ease your distress.
His smile does make you steadier. You take his hands, “Me neither, really.”
“What? Are you for real?” He laughs, not knowing the reasons— It’s just funny to like them but not know anything about them.
You laugh a little in response, what can you say? Well, you better have it well scripted, because you’re about to throw yourself into this conversation no matter what. “Let’s go.”
You go up the stairs and hold your breath just a moment when you're able to see the open night sky.
The cool breeze, the calming silence of the night, and as you get closer to the top, your heart is beating fast for all the reasons you can imagine.
Normally, you don’t like visiting this spot. It’s awful, gives you terrible memories, but… At the same time, it’s changed so much, and it’s so different at night. So much different than when the King was taking over, even if it’s lightless all the same. It’s peaceful and quiet and you appreciate the privacy.
You both sit down on the bench. You look at the stars just a bit more, so maybe they can give you the courage you need. But they don’t grant anything, you’ve learned already. They’re just soothing to look at.
“… I… Don’t actually have a lot to tell.”
You aren’t looking at him now, but you know even you would be like, so then what was all this for?
So you continue, “It’s gone. I don’t remember. I only have bits and pieces and even those could be gone tomorrow and I wouldn’t even notice.” You fidget with your hands, then laugh bitterly, “Did you know that’s part of the reason the King wanted to freeze Vaugarde in time?”
Probably not, not in this timeline at least. He’s paying very close attention to you and he gently shakes his head.
“At some point I could relate to him so much… But then, the only person I thought I could talk to about it, turned out to be a completely irredeemable bastard I had no intentions of ever agreeing with again.”
The way you spew those words, the way the hate ignites in your chest for just a moment… You haven’t told any of them what happened, and there’s no way Isabeau can get a proper idea, but he’s taking you seriously all the same.
“… That’s why he said he could see it all, before being frozen… Right?” Isa follows along, quickly making sense of what he knows. Very bright, as always. “But… You can’t.”
It hurts. It hurts to hear it out loud. You hug yourself without realizing, as you nod.
“It’s not just us. It’s— It’s completely gone. Even the writings— You can’t read them w-without a headache. You can’t say its name without dying, I can’t even remember— T-the more I try to, the more it slips away! And I—” You bring your hands up to your head, forgetting the flowers that were so delicately decorating your hair. Petals fall as some tears threaten to drop from your eye as well.
You’re messing this up. Get it together!!
“Hey, hey, buddy—” He gets up and kneels in front of you, worried. “It’s all okay, you’re okay.”
“I— I wish I could tell you, I really, really do! I want to know too!! But I’ve got nothing.” You open your eye and looking at him this way, the way he sees you… You don’t know why you were expecting his scared, repulsed face again.
(Maybe he never wore it with you, and you were just seeing things?)
But whatever emotion he’s feeling right now, immediately breaks the dam and your eye starts crying without your permission. “I’m sorry, I—”
“Oh, Sif… I can’t imagine how difficult that must be.” He gently reaches to try and wipe your tears.
“W-what if I never have an answer? What if I never figure it out?”
“What you’re talking about is your past, right? But as you’re here, in front of me, I wouldn’t say there’s nothing! When I think about you, there are so many things that come to mind, you know that! And we’ve made so many memories together!”
“N-not ones you can remember.”
“Well, that might be true, but that’s all the reason to keep making more!”
“But…” You sniff, “Isn’t it disappointing?”
“Not at all!! I’m just feeling for you!”
“B-but…!! What if you forget about me??”
“Sif… If I forgot about you, I wouldn’t be me anymore.”
“… What if I forget you?”
“Won’t let you. You don’t know how annoying I can get.”
“W-what if I… What if I never want to do a-any sex stuff?”
He snickers, “Where did that one come from?”
“I don’t know!! I’m just—”
“Sif…” he reaches for your face, gently tucking one lock of hair behind your ear, to see you better under the dim moonlight. “I loved you even when I thought I wouldn’t ever get the chance to even touch you for a hug. And I love hugs! It’s fine.”
You’re a mess right now. This is not what you wanted to say, you didn’t want to dump it all on him like this, but… It doesn’t feel wrong either.
His affection, his apparently undying love, you didn’t know why you weren’t expecting it. It all feels so natural from him right now, and you sob even more.
You try to speak up between sobs, “I’m— I’m sorry, I didn’t want to get l-like this—” You wipe your tears yourself, you wish you could make yourself so, so small right now. It hurts so much.
“It’s okay— Here, breathe with me?”
Stars, that’d make you cry even more. He’s so sweet about it, you have to oblige. You breathe in, with him, and then out, with him. Rinse and repeat a few more times.
“Would you like a hug?” He asks, all his feelings for you practically screaming at him to do it, but he won’t if you don’t want one.
(You don’t even know if a hug would make it hurt less, but… It probably won’t make it hurt more either.)
You nod.
Gently, he embraces you like his arms could protect you from everything that has ever hurt you. He makes you feel small in a good way, and the hug is full of love yet firm. He’s making you know he’s there and he’s real and he’s with you.
You hug him back as tight as you can manage yourself to. It feels infinite, you could lose yourself in this if you’d like. You spend a while in it, as you calm down and your fears settle.
But of course, one more pops up, you can’t help it. “What if I wake up tomorrow and it’s today again?” It’s the thought that haunts you every single day after the fact. You’re numb to repeating the awful things, but repeating precious, loving moments— You don’t want to, it hurts too much.
“… Then you tell me, and we’ll do something different every single time, okay?” He slowly softens the hug as he rubs your back, and smiles at you with confidence.
“Isa…” It moves you. Your heart feels lighter and fuller— Are you really allowed to accept this? After everything you’ve done?
Your gaze is fixed on him, you place your hands on either side of his face. “… W-would it be okay if I kissed you?” You ask, still feeling like a mess.
He smiles even wider, so much his eyes squint. “… It would be more than okay.” And he closes some of the distance, but leaves you with the final call.
Kissing him like this, under the stars, gently and lovingly, not forceful or desperate… Is so much different. His lips are warm, and he doesn’t push you away at all— Quite the contrary, you feel him hugging you again, and it’s so comfortable.
As you part it, you look at each other. He giggles and you follow, pressing foreheads together.
“That came out pretty great, I think.”
“Ah, luckiss for you, I had practice.”
(Too soon? Hmm, no, it is kinda funny now that you said it.)
Like most of the time, he laughs. Soon enough, you’re both sitting side by side again, with the difference that he’s now holding your hand. You hold it tightly, you wanted this for a long time.
“So, I’m guessing you don’t know any of the… Uh… Con- Consti—”
“Constellations.” You smile, some things don’t change, right? “Nah, not even one.”
“Well, but you still know a lot more about them than I do.”
It is true that you know how they’re called, and that you can look at the sky and know it’s so much more than anyone else is able to see. And that you do like looking at them. “… I guess.” You sigh.
“… You could tell me what they make you feel? If you want?”
Huh… Talking about feelings is weird, but you’re trying to get better at it.
You’re afraid he won’t be able to remember any of this. The moment anyone else looks at the night sky, it’s like their interest fades completely. You wouldn’t blame him if he zoned out.
Still, you cozy up next to him, “… They’re beautiful, the twinkling little things. They’re actually much bigger than what we can tell from here, but isn’t that great?… The fact that every night, we can see them all no matter what must be happening over those galaxies, so many, many years ago... It does feel like watching stories in itself.” Word just come out of your mouth, you aren't even sure if they make sense. But you guess feelings don't have to make sense, right? "I think... In a way, sometimes it feels like I want to say 'hi, how's it going?', even if there's no answer." You’re grateful that, while no one cares about them, they weren’t completely wiped out of the sky.
No power could be that great.
You can tell Isa is just listening to you, interested in your feelings, your thoughts. He wants to know more, as much as he can, as much as you’ll let him. And right now, you’d give him everything if you could. If you weren’t so scared.
For now, this is so much more than you could’ve ever wished for.