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“Where to next Firefly?” I said to her, looking at the view she showed me on the edge of the Dreamscape. It was her special space, she took me here once when we first met. Embarrassingly, the photo we took here was probably when I knew I fell for her. Even after she lied to me about being SAM, although there was a lot I dealt with.
Poor March was doing her best to cheer me up by trying to take me around Penacony but everywhere we went just reminded me of what we did. It wasn’t until Himeko helped come to my senses with her… special coffee. As I’m lost in thought, Firefly calls out to me.
“Hey Stelle… I think we need to talk.” She said, oh no, is she going to ask for her 20k credits back? I need to beg for forgiveness quickly, I don't have enough on me to pay it off. Before I open my mouth to speak though, I turn to face her. She looks serious, I should listen this time.
“I feel like… We need to end this,” She looked me straight in the eyes. I haven’t seen her this determined since she almost sacrificed herself during the tussle with Sunday.
At the same time I’m just so taken aback. What did she mean? I thought things were going well? Was it me? My mind is a mess, I can’t think straight. All I can think about is what I could’ve possibly done wrong. She seems to understand my confusion and turns to face the sunset.
“We have to go our own separate paths from now on, you know? The Astral Express has been waiting here for an extra week due to your selfishness, silly. How many times can you use the excuse of ‘paying your respect to the first Nameless’ before they get annoyed?”
Sadly, she has a very good point. We were supposed to leave when we wrapped up all our business here, but I didn’t want this time to end. I didn’t want to lose her again.
Not again.
Clenching my fists a little too hard, my gaze fell to the floor.
“But what about us? I can’t bear losing you again-” Firefly hugs me close, cutting me off mid sentence. I can feel tears go down my neck.
“We’re different you and I,” she said. “I have my script to follow, I have to abide by Elio’s script. You’re destined for so much more, I can’t keep you for myself like this.”
Her voice is soft and calm, but I can tell how hard this is for her to say. If the tears weren’t enough evidence I can feel her grip on me tremble as she’s speaking.
I softly pet her head. It’s what I always do when I feel like she’s being adorable. Obviously, there’s a different meaning behind it this time.
She breaks and starts to sob into my chest, I continue petting her. I turn to face the sunset again. Gazing at the shooting stars and unfinished buildings, I think about how we first met. How I saved her from the Bloodhounds, the places she took me, her first “death.”
As I’m reflecting on these memories I look down at Firefly again.
“Yeah… I know you’re right,” her hands clutched my jacket. We stayed like this for a while, it’s like time stopped the way we stood in silence. All we did was hold each other and gaze into the Dreamscape. We both wanted this moment to last as much as we could.
Eventually we let each other go.
“So that’s it, isn’t it?” I said. Firefly nods, unable to meet my eyes. I take my hand to her chin and lift her head to meet my gaze. Her perfect little face has tears rolling down her cheeks, I can feel her body trembling knowing this might be the last time in a while we might be able to be like this.
She spins around, turns away from me and wipes her tears.
“Stelle,” her voice is breaking now. “Thank you. Thank you for letting me experience a ‘normal’ life, a ‘normal’ relationship.” She can’t look at me now, I understand. After all, I'm barely able to keep it together myself.
The nearby announcement speakers start playing one of Robin’s songs, her favourite. If I Can Stop One Heart From Breaking. Kneeling down, I call out to her.
“Firefly, will you give me this dance?” I extend a hand to her. Firefly turns to face me and giggles a little bit, wiping away some more tears.
“Of course Stelle!” She grabs my hand with a smile. Honestly I have no idea how to dance with a partner outside of Clocky so I’m a little outside my element. Thankfully, Firefly notices and takes the lead. We lock hands and dance ballroom style. I didn’t know she knew how to do this, that’s so cool…
The two of us dance beneath stars until sunrise. Fumbling every now and then, the both of us laugh at every misstep together. We know this won’t be the last time we see each other, but it’ll be the last time we’re together as partners. Our fingers untangle, tears start welling up from my eyes. Firefly looks at me, also fighting back the urge to cry.
“Goodbye, my first love.”
“Farewell, the love of my life.”
Firefly starts walking away, I shift myself towards the sunrise. I can’t see her off. I’m not strong enough to do so. It’s what’s best for us, I know it is. Why are goodbyes so hard? Why have I had to say goodbye to the one person I never wanted to? I know we have to part, she can’t come with us. I mean she’s a Stelleron Hunter, she has her own team and people waiting for her.
I reach into my jacket and pull out the photo Firefly printed out of us. The one I took from her body of her first “death.” Tears start coming down uncontrollably. I wish I could just use the power of Clockwork on myself, but that’s disingenuous. To both me, and her.
Quickly, I turn around to see if she might still be here, holding on to hope that maybe we can talk a little more before the end. My vision is filled with nothing. No Firefly, just the other side of a billboard, a bench, a bush, and one of those stupid announcement speakers on a pole.
Sighing to myself, I look at her picture again. Tears start falling, I can’t hold it back anymore. I’m going to miss her so much. I won’t be able to feel her warmth. I won’t be able to see her tender smile anymore.
As I’m despairing, I feel a hand on my head. Turning to see who’s there, it turns out to be Mr. Yang. I immediately turn to wipe my tears before facing him again.
“Oh hey there Mr. Yang! What brings you here?” I try my best to play it cool, but between my red eyes and breaking voice, I don’t think I could even fool March like this.
“Firefly told us you were here, and what happened,” Oh. Well now I feel like a fool for even trying.
“So… does everyone know then? I’m really hoping that March is in the dark at least,” I know she has good intentions, but I really don’t want a repeat of what happened before.
“Don’t worry, it was Himeko and myself,” breathing a little sigh of relief I can already start to feel myself get better.
“Say, Mr. Yang,” he looks me in the eyes, “How do you deal with losing a loved one? Like you know they aren’t dead, but you’ll never see them or be with them in the same way ever again?”
Mr. Yang adjusts his glasses before giving me an answer, “Well, as you know I’m looking for a way home, that’s the reason I joined the Astral Express crew. I have people waiting for me there as well, family, friends. The reason I can keep going is the thought of one day, I’ll be able to go back there and tell them all about our time on the Express.”
He pauses a bit. Staring at the stars, seemingly thinking of the previously mentioned people before starting again.
"The end of one adventure is often the beginning of another. That’s what I said to myself before Himeko saved me from drifting off into space. The end of this adventure is over, but that doesn’t by any means say that you’ll never cross paths again," wow, he really has a way with words.
“So what you’re trying to say is it’ll get better?” I say, tilting my head a little and giving a wry smile.
“It’ll get better Stelle,” he playfully rubs my hair before turning around and walking away.
“Now hurry along now, we have another path to Trailblaze,” I look at the sunrise and buildings once more.
These past days with Firefly weren’t a waste, they were the best times of my life even. But I have to keep going, it’s what I promised to myself, and to her. I think back to the confrontation with Sunday, and the answer I gave him.
“Why does life slumber?”
"Because someday, we'll wake up from our dreams."
I’m awake again, thank you for the best dream of my life, Firefly.
I take out the picture with Firefly, kiss her face, and let the wind take it from my grasp. Farewell, the love of my life.