Archive of Our Own

It hurts. It’s the first thing that Yanli is aware of - the pain. Every single breath is like something is stabbing her, something is piercing her, something-

Oh. That did happen, didn’t it?

Slowly, she becomes aware of more. It hurts, but she’s alive. She had thought she wouldn’t be, that throwing herself in front of her brother would be the last thing she ever did, but she didn’t regret it. Now, it turns out she was wrong.

She’s lying in a bed - the taste to the air feels familiar, but that could also be wistful imagination. Someone is holding her hand.

Yanli’s fingers twitch in their grasp, and then she slowly opens her eyes. Oh. It wasn’t imagination. She’s at Lotus Pier. She’s home.

Then that means… Her head lists to the side, barely able to turn, as the grip on her fingers becomes so painful it hurts. “A-Cheng,” she whispers.

It’s her baby brother.

He’s dressed in full Sect Leader robes and regalia, though they’re rumpled, as if he hasn’t changed them for days, hasn’t washed himself. His eyes are rimmed with the red of tears and also of exhaustion, and he clutches Jin Ling to his chest. “Jiejie,” he says quietly. “You’re…”

Yanli feels the corner of her mouth quirk up, just a little. “A-Cheng,” she whispers again, but that’s all she has before she falls asleep once more.

She drifts in and out. A-Cheng is always there, she thinks, usually with Jin Ling, but Yanli can’t even muster up the strength to take her son from him. She manages to ask, just once, about A-Xian - A-Cheng doesn’t even say a word, just bows her head, and Yanli manages a few tears, even in this state.

Both A-Xuan and A-Xian, torn from her so close together. She still does not know what happened, truly - for she knows that A-Xian would never kill her husband, not in truth. Not willingly.

Yanli doesn’t know what happened, but she knows her brother like she knows her own life, and he would not.

But she doesn’t ask, because she doesn’t think she can handle knowing as of yet.

Instead, she drifts, and she rests, and as a result it takes far too long for her to realize that the woman she sees constantly caring for her is Wen Qing. If Jiang Cheng is not the one mopping her brow, not the one at her side, it is Wen Qing. Yanli thought she was dead. “How…?” she asks, when she can manage to rasp it.

“I owe your other brother my life now, too,” is what Wen Qing says, though she doesn’t sound happy about it.

It makes her wonder of Wen Qionglin, but she doesn’t ask that, either.

To Yanli, her world is this room. It must be for this moment. She cannot think of anything else, anyone else, or she will succumb to despair and she will weep, and she cannot. Jin Ling needs her. Jiang Cheng needs her. Perhaps Koi Tower needs her as well, though she does not think she can live there again without her husband, not in truth.

Her small selfishness is that she does not ask of anything, not even the mundane, not even the good things - she does not ask after anyone in the sect, nor what A-Cheng is doing, nor anything of that sort. She does not.

She simply exists, and she simply heals.

Yanli doesn’t let herself cry again, not out of sadness, not in front of her brother. She cries when she is finally able to hold Jin Ling again, hold him close and let him suckle (does she even have anything for him, anymore?), when she looks into his eyes and his face and sees her husband and she cries and Jiang Cheng holds the both of them tightly, as if he fears they will be ripped from him. They are happy tears, she convinces him and herself, ones of relief, ones of joy.

Wen Qing, who comes later to check on her, catches her in ones of sorrow. The other woman is professional - she helps Yanli out of her robes and checks her bandages, applying a poultice to the wound and rewrapping, not saying a single word about the tears. She gives Yanli some medicine to drink and is about to leave when Yanli catches her sleeve.

“My… husband,” she says, voice still a rasp, still so soft, because her punctured lung is still healing. “Do you know what happened, that day?” So many people say so many things, and there are few whose story she would truly believe.

Wen Qing’s is one, if she knows the truth.

The other woman hesitates and then looks away, before she meets Yanli’s eyes square on. “There was an ambush,” she says. “Wei Wuxian and Wen Ning were caught off-guard, it was them against hundreds, and Wei Wuxian was having difficulty keeping things under control. When your husband showed up to try to stop things…” She shakes her head. “It was an accident, born from a loss of control.”

Yanli closes her eyes briefly. A-Xuan… She misses him so fiercely. She wants him beside her, wants to kiss his brow and every piece of his face, to lean into him and watch him hold Jin Ling. He wanted to be a good father, so badly, and she considers this death to be part of that.

In the end, he just wanted to protect his family, and for her sake that included Wei Wuxian.

“Thank you,” she whispers, and Wen Qing leaves. If Wei Wuxian, if her brother, was still alive, she… Yanli does not know. She does not hate him, and yet she does not know if she can forgive him - she does not blame him and yet she does not hold him innocent, and- She doesn’t even know how Wei Wuxian died.

It feels too tender to ask right now.

So Yanli continues to focus on the here and now. She gets stronger, slowly but surely, her lung healing. When Qing declares that she may never be at truly full health again, that she will always have to take care - it’s fine. Yanli was never very strong to begin with.

Jin Ling grows and cries and his healthy lungs both make her happy and exhaust her. A-Cheng has taken to his role as Uncle well, of course, but she can see the exhaustion in his frame and cannot prevail upon him too much.

She is well enough to accept her letters, which she received many of during her time of weakness. Many are simply obligations, letters from sect leaders that bear nothing personal, but there are a few with more warmth from people she knows well.

The first - Madam Jin. While they were not close, mourning had certainly brought them closer, and then both Yanli and Jin Ling were torn from her as well. She beseeches Yanli to either visit, or allow her to come - she sets that one aside to discuss with A-Cheng later.

The second - Jin Guangyao. His letter is perfectly respectful, as he always is, but she doesn’t think she is fooling herself if she reads a bit more into it. Many were and are unkind to him in that Tower, but Yanli had sought him out. He writes of his engagement, which she knows he had longed for, and expresses his wish that she’ll be well enough to be there with his nephew.

Nephew. She will ensure Jin Ling knows his family.

The third - Nie Huaisang. While he was never her friend, not truly, he was friends with both of her brothers and his sincerity shines through. He is the first to express condolences for her loss of Wei Wuxian, of A-Xian, and she has to set the letter aside and weep . She misses them both, so dearly. A-Xian and A-Xuan.

It is a wound that will never truly scab over, an injury that will never truly heal, the way she feels the absence of her parents all too keenly still. For them, the loss is complex - there is relief in there as well, and guilt for that relief, and many emotions she has no desire to deal with.

For A-Xian and A-Xuan, there is no such complexity. She misses them, truly and simply, no matter what happened.

The fourth letter is from Lan Wangji.

There was love between her brother and this man, she knows deeply. She has seen it for herself, witnessed it with her own eyes, felt it in the name that blesses her son - Yanli has never known the shape of that love, whatever form it takes for them, but it has never mattered. There is love. Love enough for him to send a letter, love enough for him to explain why he is unable to come himself, love enough that he writes of a child in Cloud Recesses.

This is the day Yanli leaves her room on her own.

She is well enough to be left on her own, and she is when she reads the letters - no Jin Ling, for none of them yet want him to share a room with her, not when she needs to rest.

There is a spot she liked to sit among the docks. It was isolated enough she could dismiss what was proper and take off her shoes to dip her feet in the water - she seeks it out and does so now, gazing out at the water. It is home, and yet it is not. No matter how much they rebuild, it will not be the same, but it will be a new Lotus Pier.

Yanli sits there and lets the world creep darker around her, until Wen Qing finds her. The other woman is scowling. “If you’re going to leave, tell someone where you’re going,” she snaps.

“Did A-Cheng tell you where I was?” Yanli asks softly, and Wen Qing doesn’t sit, but nods sharply.

“Yes. He guessed correctly.”

Yanli doesn’t know how long she was looking, so she dips her head in slight apology. “I’m sorry,” she says. “Will you sit with me?”

There’s a moment of hesitation, and Wen Qing does. They’re quiet for a moment, the two of them, and Yanli can feel Wen Qing start to relax beside her, start to unwind just a little bit, and Yanli sighs. “Wen Qing,” she asks, though she doesn’t look at the other just yet. “What… happened to the other Wens?”

She looks over now, and sees Wen Qing’s tight expression, damp eyes, and now Wen Qing is the one who has to look away. “Dead. We… we were going to go quietly, the two of us. Wen Ning and I. Jin Guangshan called for our heads, and if it would have saved everyone else, we would have died.”

Yanli frowns a little bit. “He… said you did.”

Wen Qing laughs a bitter little chuckle. “He did, didn’t he? Turns out that having Wen Ning to use as a weapon and me as a doctor was too… tempting for him, too much to throw away, especially if no one else knew that we lived.”

She nods slowly. “But how… does A-Cheng play a role in this?” Perhaps today she will learn far more than she wants, but Yanli wants to know. Needs to know.

“When we found out what Jin Guangshan was pulling, we managed to escape. They underestimated my brother. They were already preparing for the siege on the Burial Mounds, and I heard you were injured.” Ah. That explains it. Jiang Cheng would have sheltered them to save her, would have let even Wen Ning stay here if it was to heal her.

Yanli nods slowly and looks down at her lap. “Where is Wen Qionglin now?” She does not know if she can bear to see him - it was an accident, and yet, A-Xuan… She needs time before she can think of seeing him, of speaking with him. He is a kind soul, she knows this, but after everything…

Wen Qing exhales slowly. “He… went to the Burial Mounds, to deal with the… bodies of our family, in whatever manner is best. If they are even to be found.” Yanli understands that to her core, the way they lost so many when Lotus Pier fell and how few they were able to truly retrieve.

She remembers thinking that she couldn’t bear to know how many fallen were among those that her brother wielded, and how she still does not want to know.

“You should read this,” is what Yanli does say in reply to that, and she passes Wen Qing the letter from Lan Wangji. She accepts it with a furrow to her brow and begins reading, and Yanli can see the exact moment that she reads the key point. Her eyes go wide and wet, shining as looks down at the paper, holding it so tightly it may tear.

“He… he rescued A-Yuan,” she says, and she laughs. It is a giddy laugh, wet but true. “He might not remember, but A-Yuan, he-”

She folds up the letter and hands it to Yanli, before she wipes at her eyes, shaking slightly. “Thank you,” she says. “Thank you.”

Lan Wangji cannot come here - he is far too injured for that. Yanli cannot go there as of yet, and while she will most likely heal faster than Lan Wangji, she cannot bring Wen Qing and she certainly cannot bring Wen Qionglin. If they wish to see A-Yuan again, it will be when Lan Wangji is fully healed and can bring him to visit.

The love between Lan Wangji and her brother was great enough for this to happen, and Yanli will thus regard A-Yuan as her nephew, someday. “We’ll write to him,” Yanli says, taking Wen Qing’s hand and giving it a squeeze. She smiles, and Wen Qing smiles shakily back.

Eventually, Wen Qionglin returns, but Yanli does not see him. He does not linger, does not stay - Wen Qing is an open secret at Lotus Pier, but everyone there is far too loyal to say anything about it, not when she is the one who saved Yanli. Wen Qionglin is… what he is, and he is far less welcome. Yanli wishes she could be one of those who treats him well, as she did before, but she cannot see him and so she does not.

He leaves, and she does not ask Wen Qing where he wanders.

Even though she is an open secret, Wen Qing must hide when Madam Jin comes. It is good to see her once more, to mourn together. When she is strong enough she will make the trek back to the Tower with Jin Ling to see A-Xuan once more, to leave offerings in person, but for now this will suffice. She will make a good grandmother, Yanli thinks, a better grandmother than a mother - even though that is uncharitable of her, she knows of Zixuan’s thoughts on her, of that complicated relationship she knows all too well.

But Zixuan loved her, and Yanli does enjoy her company, so she welcomes Madam Jin with open arms. “Will you ever return?” she asks quietly, at one point.

Yanli takes a long moment, looking down at Jin Ling and the grasp he has on her finger, squeezing with all his might. “...To visit,” she says quietly. “And… perhaps when Jin Ling is older.” He is currently the heir, though she also has thoughts on that.

Madam Jin nods as if she expected no different. “I understand why you like it at Lotus Pier,” she says. There’s a wistfulness in her voice. “Your mother… she would be proud of what you two have accomplished.”

Tears sting her eyes at that sudden reminder, and she has to turn away. “Thank you,” Yanli tells her. “You… you are welcome here, at any time.”

Despite her invitation, she is relieved to see her go, for Wen Qing can slip back into the open. Yanli embraces her when she sees her once more, which Wen Qing does not seem to know what to do with. A-Cheng snorts at whatever is on Wen Qing’s face, and instinctively, she hits his arm - they both stare at each other like they don’t know what to do with that.

Yanli smiles, sorrowful. They see the ghost of Wei Wuxian in each other, don’t they? She sees it too, but she doesn’t comment. “A-Cheng,” she says, hooking her arm around Wen Qing’s. “You need to go. You have work, and I have a surprise for you later.”

A-Cheng looks surprised, and then gentles. He smiles in a way that Yanli really only sees with Jin Ling, and it takes years from him, takes nights of tiredness from his shoulders. “Alright, I’ll be patient,” he says, and he lets them be.

Wen Qing looks at her sideways, but doesn’t pull away from her. She’s warm against her side. “What surprise?”

Yanli is still tired often, is still weak, is still unfit to travel, so she feels no guilt for recruiting her in this way. “You,” she says, “Are going to help me make soup.”

Wen Qing’s look changes to one of deep apprehension. “What is it with the Jiang sect and soup…?” She asks, and Yanli simply smiles and ignores her as she pulls her towards the kitchens.

It doesn’t stay a surprise among Lotus Pier for long. The scent fills the air when they start to cook, and every time a disciple passes Yanli must swear them to secrecy, though from the delight in their eyes they’re more than happy to. “I don’t understand,” Wen Qing says, shaking her head as they spoon out some bowls of soup for themselves, leaving the rest (bar some set aside for later) for everyone else. “It smells good, but…”

“Do you not have any recipes that make you think of home?” Yanli asks her, and Wen Qing stills.

She looks away, and after a moment, she nods. “Radish soup,” she says, and that’s all she says. Yanli lets it be for now.

Jiang Cheng, of course, gets a bit emotional over the soup. He tries to hide it as he always does, but Yanli knows him like she knows her own soul, touching his arm and letting him lean into her subtly. “I’m glad I was able to make it again,” she says. “Wen Qing was a big help.”

He looks at Wen Qing, who is perhaps uncomfortable under his gaze but only scarcely shifts. “She… has been invaluable.”

Without her, Yanli would be dead. Wen Qing looks down at her soup. “Simply repaying a debt,” she says, and takes a bite.

(When the meal is done, everyone warm and content, Yanli presses a kiss to both of their heads and goes to clean up. She can do this. She is able to do this, and she goes alone to get the soup she set aside earlier. Four bowls, for four people gone. They will not be forgotten.)

The next visitor is Nie Huaisang - it is different for two reasons. One, Wen Qing does not hide. If his brother had come, they all agree that deception would be necessary, but Nie Huaisang had hinted to knowing what had become of them, and shows no startlement when he arrives. He greets Wen Qing as if she has always been there, as if Lotus Pier has always been her home.

Two, Jin Ling is crawling.

Everyone is careful to keep doors closed, now, for an infant crawling all over the piers would be a tragedy waiting to happen, and one that Yanli cannot bear to think about. Nie Huaisang is delighted by this, bearing gifts and watching with bright eyes, though he has no interest in holding Jin Ling, simply watching him go and teasing him.

“It’s so fun to be an Uncle,” he says. “I don’t think Da-ge will give me another nephew any time soon.”

A-Cheng snorts. “Uncle? Since when are you his uncle?”

Nie Huaisang pouts at him, an easy friendship between the two of them. “San-ge is my brother , you know,” he says. “That makes, well-” He shoots a glance at Yanli, and she nods encouragingly. “Jin Zixuan my brother as well, so Jin Ling is my nephew.”

Yanli laughs lightly at this - she wishes with a pang that A-Xuan were here to see this. He wouldn’t know what to do with it, she decides, but would end up happy with it in the end. “Then I thank Brother-in-law for his gifts,” she says, taking his hand, and he gives her hand a squeeze back. “You should know, though, you have another nephew.”

He doesn’t look particularly surprise, though his eyes dance. “Oh? You mean Lan Wangji’s son? Er-ge told me of him, but Wangji won’t acknowledge me as a brother.”

A-Cheng lifts a brow. “You’ve tried?”

“Of course not.”

Yanli smiles a little, glances at Wen Qing - who nods. “Well, you can consider him one through me, perhaps.” And she tells the story of little A-Yuan.

Nie Huaisang nods thoughtfully. “An Uncle two times over…” he says, acting as though he is Lan Qiren stroking his beard. “I should visit Cloud Recesses soon.”

“You’re just trying to avoid your responsibilities,” A-Cheng says.

“That’s so cruel, Jiang Cheng. What an accusation!”

He’s lighter around his friend, and Yanli wonders if it harkens back to childish days, of those two and Wei Wuxian roaming around Cloud Recesses, getting into adventures and getting into trouble. Wen Qing watches them, too, and Yanli thinks she can also see the ghost among them. She takes Wen Qing’s hand.

Wen Qing looks at the hand, and something- shifts in her face. She doesn’t pull back, though she does look away, and Yanli realizes what that look means. Oh. Oh.

The third visit is her own, to Lanling and that tower she has tried so hard to avoid. Jiang Cheng doesn’t want her to go, and Yanli understands that deep in her soul. She doesn’t want to leave him, but she needs to do this. Needs to both for herself, and for Jin Ling, her babbling little son who looks so much like his father it’s painful.

“I will send you a letter the moment I arrive,” Yanli says, and she embraces him.

He holds her tightly, close, and exhales into her shoulder. “Please. Stay safe. Don’t- don’t do anything stupid.”

It’s an admonishment for another person, the ghost among them, and Yanli doesn’t say anything. She draws back, gives a smile, and goes to embrace Wen Qing as well. The other stiffens in her arms, before relaxing a bit - Yanli isn’t sure if it is cruel or kind, to hold her and continue to touch her like this now that she knows, but she doesn’t want Wen Qing to realize. So she simply holds her until Wen Qing holds her back, and then draws back with a smile. “If your brother comes while I’m gone,” she says, “Tell him… hello from me.”

Wen Qing’s eyes widen a little and then soften. It’s the first time Yanli has been able to speak about Wen Qionglin like that. “I will.”

The journey is uneventful, which is exactly what everyone involved wants. Her shidis and shimeis are kind to her but careful, and Jin Ling is the most trouble. He doesn’t like travel, and fusses and wails and cries and honestly Yanli wants to cry herself, but they all make it there in one piece.

Madam Jin welcomes her, which she’s glad for. Jin Guangshan welcomes her, which she is not. “It is good to see you back where you belong,” he says, and it takes everything Yanli has to keep her smile on her face.

“It is only a visit,” she says, being as impolite as she can without truly being impolite. She has never liked this man, nor did her husband.

“Hopefully, it will be more than that in the future,” he says. “Jin Rulan needs to know the sect he will one day lead, after all.”

“Of course,” Yanli says, and escapes from his presence as soon as she can.

Madam Jin is more than happy to fuss over Jin Ling and Yanli leaves him with her so that she can do two very important tasks.

The first - to see her husband. To grieve in the proper place, to bow her head and speak with him. “You would be jealous,” she whispers to him, alone with her tears and the ghost of her husband over her shoulder, looking down at the burning incense. “But you would also be happy. It is not the same.”

Yanli wants him. She wants to hold his hand, to press her face into his neck, to kiss his skin and feel him shiver. She wants to see him smile, unsure but happy, to feel him lean into her, to sit up late with him and have him rest his head in her lap and run her fingers through his hair.

She wants to talk to him. Wants to hear his voice, his laugh, to ask him what he thinks of little things. She wants him to kneel on the floor and coax Jin Ling to walk to him, step by toddling step, she wants to see him shower his son with affection and with gifts, to have a chance to truly be the father he always wanted to be, one unlike his own.

Yanli wants her husband, and she weeps.

When her tears are all gone, the incense has burnt down to nothing. She has no idea how long she has lingered, but no one has disturbed her - Yanli is deeply, deeply grateful for such a thing. It takes a lot to stagger to her feet, to compose herself enough so that she can leave, and she glances back one last time before she goes.

Her second task cannot happen that day. It is… it is too much, too much, too exhausting to try to make her do anything else for the rest of the day, and fortunately she does not have to. Madam Jin gives her time, and there is no banquet that evening, no meal she must attend to play nice with people she dislikes.

She knows she has Jin Guangyao to thank for that, and he is her second task.

Her morning is spent with Jin Ling and his grandparents. She is reluctant to leave Jin Ling along with Jin Guangshan in any capacity, nor is she comfortable being alone with him (she never discussed it with A-Xuan, but he felt the same, and wasn’t that terrible?), so Madam Jin must also be there and the tension between the two of them is terrible to witness. Yanli paints a smile on her face and forces her way through it, but it is exhausting.

This tower is exhausting. She wants to return home to Lotus Pier, and never return. A-Xuan would not blame her.

Eventually, she is able to escape.

She takes Jin Ling and excuses herself and flees to the one other person in this sect that she is still acquainted with - Jin Guangyao. He smiles to see her, as he always does, but she greets him first. “Brother-in-law,” she says, setting that ground first, and his smile gets a little smaller and a little more real. “Will you hold your nephew?”

He will, but only after he has arranged tea for them first. Jin Guangyao’s smile looks very real, genuinely sincere when he looks down at Jin Ling, who is exhausted from today’s attention and napping in his uncle’s arms. Jin Guangshan had been delighted with his crawling abilities and Jin Ling had spent most of the morning wandering all over the room.

“You’ll be a good father,” she tells him, and he looks up at her, surprised but pleased.

“Thank you, Sister-in-law.” Yanli knows that she is only being called such because it is the two of them, and that is why she wanted to do this alone. She takes a deep breath.

“My brother does not intend to marry.”

Jin Guangyao looks politely puzzled at this. “I see,” he says. What he truly thinks of that is unreadable to her. “May I ask why?”

“It has never greatly interested him,” she says. His very detailed candidate list had been the source of much teasing when they were younger, but it had not passed her by that it meant he rarely had to contend with such a topic (unlike her). Perhaps if their parents had lived, it would be a different story, but she had never felt the need to push him. “Given that, and my…” Her throat closes up, and she swallows sharply.

Jin Guangyao understands, though, and he watches her, smile slipping away. “Jin Ling is the only one with Jiang blood,” he says.

“Mm.” She dips her head, just a fraction. “He is both Jin and Jiang. But… were you to have a child…”

He sucks in a sharp intake of breath, and then exhales again. When she looks at his face, he is smiling again, shaking his head slightly. “Father will not like such an idea,” he says, “Nor will Madam Jin.”

Yanli returns the smile with a tiny one of her own. “Perhaps it need not be said, then.”

“Perhaps.” His eyes flicker away, and then refocus on her face. “Sister-in-law, you do not seem to like Lanling.”

She lets out a half-laugh, awkward. “Is it that obvious? With him gone, I… hold little love for this place.”

“No, do not worry, you have not let on,” he says.

Their gaze meets. He smiles, she smiles. Never angry, how can they be? You accept what is yelled at you and you apologize and you keep smiling, never stop smiling, always the peacemaker and the one who keeps things calm.

Yanli understands this brother in many ways, though she wishes she did not. “If ever… things should perhaps… require a change…” he says, delicately.

Her smile widens, just a bit. “You can always write.”

They bow respectfully when they leave each other, and do not speak with each other again the entire trip.

Before she leaves, she visits the lotus pond with Jin Ling. She stoops low, lets him touch the water - he babbles at her, fascinated as ever by the way it glistens on his fingers. “Your father built this for me,” she murmurs. “Oh, A-Ling, he loved us both so much.”

She plucks two lotus flowers before she leaves.

When she returns, she receives many an embrace. A-Cheng, countless young disciples who swing joyfully around her skirts, even one from Wen Qing, tight and yet shaky. She returns them all, gives them with sweet smiles, and sweeps off to her rooms.

The dried flowers, she hangs. Something more permanent will be done with them, but for now they are a comfort to see. She unpacks her many bags, for she was able to properly bring with her so much she once dragged all the way to Lanling. Gold, much of it - and that is fine. Yanli slips a gold pin into her hair that A-Xuan once bought her and studies herself in the mirror.

She will always carry a piece of him with her now.

It has… settled her, going and then returning. She can step hrough Lotus Pier a little more joyfully now. Can help Jin Ling take one careful step, and then another, before she catches him and sweeps him into her arms, running to go tell A-Cheng. Can lean into Wen Qing as they sit together in her rooms, having a conversation half with her and half with Jin Ling, teaching him how to put his sounds together into words.

When Wen Qionglin returns, drifting through on her journeys, she does not hide. She greets him with a smile, and he freezes and speaks awkwardly back.

Later, he seeks her out and apologizes. It is sincerity written in every form of him, in this gentle soul who has been turned into a monster, into a weapon, and she looks at him. Breathes. “All we can do is move forward,” she says softly. It doesn’t feel like a betrayal - she knows her husband. She knows what he would have thought. “You were family to A-Xian, and… I want us to get along.” Yanli smiles just a little, although it’s still hard. “Besides, I have a favor to ask of you.”

His face does not do much as a human’s when it comes to expressions, but she can still read the excitement in him. “Really? Anything.”

“Teach me how to make the radish soup that Wen Qing likes,” she says. “It was the food that reminded her of home.”

He looks surprised, and then sad. “We ate it in the Burial Mounds,” he says. There is much she could say, much she could ask. That is the food that makes her think of home? What they could scrape together in such an awful place? That is home, not when the Wen Sect was true, when Wen Ruohan ruled?

She doesn’t say anything of those things. “Alright,” she says instead. “Show me.”

It is simple, from simpler times, from starving times. Wen Qing still cries when Yanli serves her a bowl. Salty tears spill from her eyes, roll down her cheeks, drop by drop into the unflavored bowl that is home to her. If Wen Qionglin could cry, Yanli thinks he would as well. They hold her, each of them, and she lets herself weep for the home that she has lost.

Wen Qing retires swiftly after that. Whether it is because such an emotional outburst exhausted her, or because she is embarrassed about letting go like that, Yanli doesn’t know. Either way, they let her do that, and Wen Qionglin helps her clean up.

“Young Lady Jin…” he says, very quietly. He seems more awkward than usual as he speaks. “You and my sister…”

Ah. To speak of such is awkward enough - to speak of such given A-Xuan, and given his role with A-Xuan… It hurts, honestly, and Yanli exhales shakily. “She matters greatly to me,” she says, and she leaves it at that. Wen Qionglin seems glad to end it there as well.

They finish cleaning, and part from each other. She goes to her rooms, looks up at the flowers. “A-Xuan,” she murmurs. She has already asked for permission. She has already thought through this, at Lanling. From the moment Yanli saw the emotions written in Wen Qing’s gaze, she has thought on it.

Yanli goes and knocks on Wen Qing’s door. “Come in,” says Wen Qing, and Yanli enters. Wen Qing has clearly been crying more, but she looks composed now. “Did you need something?”

Wen Qing is sitting on a cushion with a book. Yanli considers, and sits down next to her. She leans into her. “I wanted to spend some time with you, see if you were alright,” Yanli says.

“I’m fine,” Wen Qing tells her, but she does not push her away. Yanli glances at what Wen Qing is reading, but it is medical texts, far beyond her comprehension. She skims them, trying to see if she can absorb anything, and when she cannot she reaches for Wen Qing’s hand.

She holds it, which is normal. Sher interlaces their fingers, which is not. Wen Qing sucks in a breath. “Is this alright?” Yanli asks, very quietly.

Wen Qing knows what she means. She turns very deliberately and presses a kiss to Yanli’s hair. Even that is enough to almost bring Yanli to tears, to weaken her fragile heart. “Yes,” Wen Qing breathes against her. “It’s alright.”

Yanli gives her hand another squeeze. Her might be fragile, but… it’s full. It’s full. A-Cheng and his care. Jin Ling and his shrieks. Huaisang and his cheer, A-Xian and his laughter, Guangyao and his smile, Lan Wangji and his carefully written letters.

A-Xuan, and the heart that she will never have returned, ever again.

Her heart is pained, fragile and full, and she turns and kisses Wen Qing’s cheek. “Good,” she says, and she kisses her again.