Chapter Text
What do you do when life throws bitter surprises at you, the kind that bring tears to your eyes, yet they don't fall? The unending pain that with every minute presses harder and harder on your chest, settling like an unbearable weight. What do you do when your love slips away from you like sand through your fingers? Yesterday, it was here — alive, warm, enveloping — but today it's just a cold trace left on your heart. You might do everything within your power, and even more, but in the end, you do nothing. Instead of fighting, you choose to let go. You give them the freedom to choose, wishing them only happiness, even if that happiness isn't with you. Understanding that what's best for them is not you.
Once having so much, you begin to lose yourself. And now, lost, you stand in front of a closed door, not knowing where to find the one you were supposed to enter. You want to break it down, burst in, and reclaim yourself — the one you used to be. The one who was real, sincere, without masks or lies. Vulnerable, but kind. Loving and gentle. The one who had so much light and warmth until everything fell apart. And the cause of the destruction turned out to be you. And your changes, which you hadn't even noticed until this day, accepting everything as it was.
Now you've become cold, reserved. The once weak but sincere soul has turned into a strong and independent shell. But with this new strength, it seems you've pushed away the most precious thing you had. And with its departure, life has lost its meaning. The goals you once planned are now collapsing like a house of cards. All you want is to hide in a deep shadow, where no one can find you. Where it'll be just you and your pain — the pain tearing your heart apart like a bleeding wound.
But will this wound ever heal? Or will it leave such a deep scar that you are no longer destined to be who you once were? How much time must pass for the memories to stop coming alive in every little detail, reminding you of what was? And are there any who will offer a helping hand when you've pushed everyone away?
What do you do when you're alone with emptiness? Oblivion seems like salvation. You ask yourself: should I let my life fall apart? Just give up on everything? Live day by day in a gray haze, without trying to find the lost pieces of yourself? Is it even worth going back to a place where there’s joy, laughter, love, and friends? A place where you can breathe deeply and live, not just exist. Without her.
***
Several months ago...
“— Sweetheart, how about we go to our place? Let’s remember how it was the first time. Let’s just sit and relax,” Eileen suggested, her voice trembling with tenderness, as if each sound was an attempt to bring back something that was slipping away. She looked at Costia with hope, as if she longed to hear that everything would be alright.
“— Not today,” Costia replied coldly, not even glancing at her as she fastened her jacket. “Maybe another time. I’ll be leaving soon. Don’t wait for me; I’ll be late.”
A pause hung in the air, like a strike on a taut string. Eileen swallowed, her heart seemingly freezing for a second, and the warm smile slowly faded from her face.
“— Alright… another time,” she said quietly, but in a moment her voice filled with irritation. “Just tell me when that time will be. For me. For your girlfriend. Or am I already at the very bottom of your schedule?”
Costia froze for a moment, turning around with irritation in her eyes.
— Just don’t start. Don’t ruin our mood, both of us,” her voice became firm, as if she had put up a shield between them.
“— Don’t start? — Eileen’s voice trembled with the pain that broke through her words like a wound. — I just want you to pay me a little attention! We haven’t been together in a long time. You’re always in a hurry, coming back late at night or even the next day! I come home thinking I’ll see you, we’ll talk, we’ll spend time together like we used to… And what do I get? A few words that mean nothing! When was the last time we had a heart-to-heart, Costia?”
Eileen clenched her fists, her voice growing louder, more desperate, as if she were trying to break through a wall that had suddenly risen between them.
“— Oh God, you’re driving me crazy! — Costia gritted her teeth, unable to hold back. — The same arguments day after day! — She pulled her jacket on sharply and, looking away, spat out: — Don’t wait for me.”
Eileen stood there, unable to say a word, while Costia grabbed her keys and rushed out the door, slamming it so hard that the sound seemed to crack the very silence in the room.
Eileen remained standing in the middle of the room, stunned by the silence that filled the space after Costia’s departure. Tears involuntarily welled in her eyes, but she tried to hold them back, not allowing the pain to take complete control of her. She sat down on the couch, hugging her knees, feeling the weight of their relationship pressing on her heart. Thoughts swirled in her head about how everything had changed, how the love she once felt seemed to be melting away, giving way to bitterness and disappointment.
Several hours passed in oppressive silence. Eileen sat, lost in her thoughts. She tried to remember the moments when they were both happy, when every day felt like a miracle. Where had it all gone? Where had they lost themselves?
Her phone suddenly vibrated, pulling her out of her reverie. A message from a friend: “Eileen, are you okay? You didn’t come to the meeting today; I’m worried…” Eileen stared at the screen, not knowing what to reply. She could no longer pretend that everything was fine, but she didn’t want to talk about it either.
Deciding that she could no longer endure the constant misunderstandings that escalated into arguments, she took her phone, opened the chat, and began typing to Costia: “I can’t do this anymore, Kos. We need to seriously talk about us. If our relationship really matters to you, you need to be willing to discuss it, not run away every time.”
Just as she was about to press the send button, she froze. What if Costia didn’t reply again? As it happened time and time again. Eileen felt the internal tension wash over her once more. She deleted the message, stood up, and began to pace nervously around the room, replaying possible conversations and endings in her head.
Suddenly, the doorbell rang. It was too early for Costia to be back, and she had her own keys, but Eileen's heart skipped a beat in hope. She slowly approached the door and opened it.
“— Hi...” Costia stood there, without her usual coldness in her eyes, but with a strange expression. In her hand was a bottle of wine, and her gaze was that of someone who didn’t know what to say.
“— What are you doing here?” Eileen’s voice was soft but filled with uncertainty.
“— I thought we needed to talk. You’re right… We haven’t been honest with each other for a long time,” Costia said quietly, her voice not as confident as usual.
Eileen froze, studying her, trying to understand if this was the Costia she had fallen in love with or if there was once again a wall between them.
“— Okay, come in,” Eileen finally stepped back, allowing her to enter, feeling something warm and painful rising inside. They sat across from each other at the table. For a while, they were silent, and the silence felt deafening, as if words were sinking in quicksand.
“— I...” Costia began, but fell silent again, lowering her gaze. “— I didn’t want things to be like this. I know I often leave and that we’ve grown apart… I just... I don’t know how to deal with it.
— We both don’t know how to deal with this,” Eileen said, her voice trembling, but she finally mustered the courage to say what she had kept inside for so long. “— But, Kos, if we don’t start talking about it now, there may not be an 'us' anymore. I can’t continue living in a relationship where I feel like I’m not important to you.”
Costia looked at her, sparks of emotions appearing in her eyes that Eileen hadn’t seen in a long time. She sighed, as if something inside her had broken.
“— You’re important to me. You’re the most important... But I... I’m just afraid of making things worse. I’m afraid I won’t be able to be the person you need anymore.”
Eileen leaned slightly forward, her voice becoming softer.
“— Kos, I’m not asking you to be perfect. I’m asking you to be here with me. Like it was in the beginning. We don’t need to fix everything. But if we keep avoiding each other like this, we’ll lose everything we had.”
Costia slowly nodded, her eyes shining with restrained emotions. She took Eileen’s hand, squeezing her fingers as if trying to feel the connection that had not yet faded.
“— Let’s try,” she said quietly. “— Let’s try again.
***
Their expectations can be compared to a house of cards. Fragile yet carefully constructed. You build it from small but significant moments: trust, care, promises. Each card is a new hope, a small detail that seems stable and strong. But then suddenly, without warning, one movement—one betrayal or disappointment—and everything begins to collapse.
You watch as one card after another falls, and there’s nothing you can do about it. The expectations that were so clear and real in your mind disappear in an instant. It feels as if the world around you become foreign, as if you’re lost in it. You put in so much effort to make this house stand, to make everything perfect. But now, instead, there is emptiness and ruins.
This feeling of helplessness eats away at you from within. You stand before what were your dreams and plans, watching as everything crumbles, leaving nothing behind. Only an empty space where something important used to be.
***
Half an hour ago...
— Kos, I’m home. Where are you? I managed to get off work early,” Eileen shouted into the depths of the apartment, taking off her coat and placing her bag on the dresser. In response—silence. Strange.
She walked further down the hallway. The silence was interrupted by barely audible sounds. What was that? The TV? But the closer Eileen got to the bedroom, the clearer it became that she didn’t want to hear.
“— Mmm, yes, deeper... like that... Kos, don’t stop,” a muffled female voice, filled with passion, reached her like thunder on a clear day.
Eileen’s heart stopped. Her hand instinctively reached for the doorknob. The door swung open, revealing a scene that would forever be etched in her memory. Costia, her Costia, lay on their shared bed, holding another woman, completely engrossed, unaware of Eileen’s presence.
For a moment, everything around her seemed to freeze. Time ceased to exist as Eileen stared at the image, feeling something inside her die. Her first thought was to leave, to disappear from there before the pain overwhelmed her completely. But she stopped herself, clenching her fists. Her chest was torn by rage and betrayal.
“— Out, lady,” her voice came out sharp, cold as steel. The girl on the bed jumped up in fright, quickly gathering her things and casting a glance at Costia, who sat there as if she had just realized what had happened. “— And you,” Eileen pointed at her, “I expect you in the kitchen. We have things to discuss.
“— How could you? Did our relationship mean nothing to you? Did you just casually erase our life together?” — Eileen screamed at Costia after her dramatic scene. Half an hour. Unending screams, disappointing words, shattered hopes, and empty promises that hurt sharper than knives.
Costia was packing her things, shoving them haphazardly into suitcases. Her face was tense, filled with anger and alienation. Eileen sat, leaning on the table, feeling empty, as if all her strength had been drained away. She understood that this was the end. No chance of reclaiming the past that had already burned to ashes.
“— You could have just talked to me, like we used to”, — Eileen said, her voice trembling but filled with hurt. “— We agreed to solve our problems. But instead, you just went and slept with the first random person you met. Tell me, was this the first time, or have you always been sleeping with others behind my back? You trampled everything we had built over eight years. You just took it all and put a period on it!”
“— And what did you want?” — Costia retorted sharply, glaring at her with venom. “— You went off into your work, disappearing there for days and nights. In the first year, I understood. But after that? You just kept pushing me away, leaving me behind! What was I supposed to do? And yes”, — her voice grew even louder, “— that girl is not a slut, as you say. I have feelings for her. She gave me what you haven’t given me in a long time. Eileen froze, unable to believe her ears. Feelings? It felt like a punch to the gut.”
“— Feelings? You’re talking about feelings after everything we’ve been through?” — bitterness rang in her voice. “— The relationship, the trust, everything we built — and you just tossed it aside so easily?”
“— I didn’t want this,” — Costia shrugged and looked away, rushing to grab her suitcase and a couple of remaining things. “— But it happened. We’re both to blame.”
Costia walked toward the door, while Eileen seemed frozen in that moment, as if her soul was suspended between the past and the present. One last look, one last word — and it would all be over.
As Costia reached the door, Eileen finally spoke, her voice quiet but deep, like the echo of a broken heart:
“— I hope you’ll be happy with her. What we had can never be returned. You deserve better.”
Costia paused for a moment, turning back. Something flickered in her eyes — perhaps regret, perhaps pain, but it disappeared as quickly as it had come.
“— Your happiness will find you too, Eileen,” — she said softly, her hand resting on the doorknob. “— Just don’t miss it. And cherish it with all your heart.”
***
She left, and the quiet click of the door sliced through the silence like a period at the end of their story. A dead silence hung in the room, making the walls seem even colder and emptier. This was not just an ending; it was the last page, after which there would be no new chapter, no attempts to fix or return. Now they were walking different paths, and that path would never cross again.
The emptiness slowly spread across the room, filling every corner, every object that once felt the warmth of her presence. The apartment, once filled with their laughter and shared moments, now felt foreign. The air was heavy, unbearably deafening, and every step on the floor echoed loudly, as if even the floors felt her absence.
You stand in the middle of this vacant space, exhausted, empty. Around you is only "I" — cold, solitary, alien. The feeling of helplessness and fear slowly tightens around your heart, leaving anxiety where love once was, where there was a sense of safety and certainty.
You look at the emptiness, at the discarded things, and you don't know how to cope with this new "you." It feels like all the meaning that once existed in everyday little things—in the breakfast conversations, in her warm touch, in her gaze—has vanished along with her. Everything that used to feel familiar now weighs down on you with the heaviness of loneliness. Every movement is a struggle, and even the air in the room feels thick and suffocating.
You try to do something, but nothing helps. Thoughts keep returning to her over and over, like an obsessive wave that you can’t resist. You feel fatigue engulfing you completely, not just physically but emotionally—a depth of exhaustion so profound that simply standing up seems like a feat.
You realize you don't know how to live without her. How to piece yourself back together from the shards when every part of you reminds you of what was lost. There are no answers, only this endless question inside: how to cope with what remains when everything that mattered has disappeared with her?