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Claiming a hayagami didn’t save Kannagi from his fever. It had gone down significantly - he was no longer at death’s door. A miracle, they said, after dragging himself up a mountain twice and being burned so horribly. Homura had chosen him, saved him. A miracle.
Ohika could hardly call it a miracle when he watched Kannagi, face flushed and eyes glassy, sob into his pillow. He’d been sleeping on and off since returning with Homura, but whenever he slept he screamed and whenever he was awake, he cried.
He’d feel humiliated when he was better, Ohika knew. He’d known Kannagi for just over a month now. The other boy had no small amount of pride, a kind that Ohika only saw in noblemen despite living as a simple farmer since he’d arrived. Ohika resolved to say nothing of his tears when Kannagi recovered, when the time came for Ohika to send word to the capital that the new shinsho of Homura had been chosen. Let him start his new life without having to address the humiliation of having cried in front of his new underlings.
With that in mind, Ohika should probably have been addressing Kannagi as Lord Kannagi… but he would wait for that as well. For now, Kannagi was just Kannagi, and he was in pain, and needed to be treated as anyone else. So Ohika simply sat at his bedside and wiped away his tears and tried to feed him.
It was this latter task he was attempting again.
“Kannagi, you need to eat,” he said softly, holding out a bowl of stew.
“I don’t,” Kannagi said, voice strained. He had turned his back to Ohika, thankfully laying on his unburned shoulder.
“You do. It’ll help you get better.”
“‘m already getting better,” Kannagi said. “I’m a shinsho now, remember? I’ll be fine.” he spat out shinsho like it was a dirty word.
“Shinsho or not, you need to keep your strength up,” Ohika said. “You haven’t eaten anything more than a few bites since…”
Kannagi let out a violent, choked out sob. Ohika said nothing. He looked down at the bowl.
“You can’t go on like this,” he said quietly.
Kannagi’s body shook for a moment, and Ohika heard him struggling to suppress his whimpers before Kannagi whispered in a cracking voice, “It’s my fault.”
It was the first time the words had been spoken while Kannagi was conscious. Ohika would never tell him, but in his restless sleep Kannagi had screamed and cried out apologies, begging for forgiveness. Blaming himself for her fate.
“It’s not,” Ohika said. He set the bowl down and rested his hand on Kannagi’s arm. Kannagi flinched the second he made contact. “Kannagi… it’s not.”
“It is ,” Kannagi cried. He buried his face in his hands, but it meant nothing to hide. Ohika could feel him trembling. He was so… fragile under Ohika’s hand, a true boy of eighteen. Not the shinsho he was now. “ I got sick. I was why she was up there-”
“Emisu-”
“-and I just watched- I didn’t- I couldn’t-” Kannagi broke off with a whine that made Ohika’s heart ache. He curled in on himself, knees nearly at his chest, body wracked with sobs.
“It’s not your fault,” Ohika repeated himself, running his hand up and down Kannagi’s arm. Kannagi hadn’t pulled away. That was all he could ask for. “It’s no one’s fault. It just… happened.”
Kannagi shook his head. He took several shuddering breaths before he lowered his hand and looked over his shoulder at Ohika. Ohika’s heart broke a bit more - the other man’s face was pink and stained, his red eyes big and wet with unshed tears caught in his lashes. His mouth trembled as he suppressed more sobs, and Ohika could see blood where Kannagi had bitten through his bottom lip.
“Akachi’s gonna hate me,” he whispered.
Ohika didn’t know who Akachi was, though he’d heard the name from listening in on Kannagi and Emisu’s conversations sometimes. From what he’d gathered, Akachi was another friend, someone they’d had to leave behind in Haniyasu. For what reason and how they’d left him, Ohika didn’t know. He just knew that Akachi was important to them and they wanted to find him again.
“If you explain everything, he won’t,” Ohika said soothingly. “You tried your best. You tried so hard.” He’d climbed a mountain while feverish for Emisu. He just… hadn’t made it in time. Surely this Akachi wouldn’t blame him for that.
“He’ll hate me,” Kannagi said. “I said I’d protect her, he trusted me.” His voice wobbled dangerously and more tears spilled from his bright eyes. “He trusted me.”
“You did everything you could to keep her safe,” Ohika said. He had started rubbing circles into Kannagi’s back with his other hand, certain it must be aching after everything. “You ran up there to save her.”
“It wasn’t enough.”
Ohika had nothing to say to that. How could he convince Kannagi that it wasn’t his fault? Ohika hadn’t been the one to witness her death. To know she had died trying to save him. Ohika hadn’t even been around that night, only alerted to what Emisu and Kannagi had tried to do when it was too late to stop it.
He hadn’t even gone into Emisu’s room since that night. He couldn’t bear to see her belongings, collected over the month she’d been living with his family, strewn about like they were just waiting for their owner to return and clean up.
As if reading Ohika’s mind, Kannagi looked away from him once more, turning his face into his pillow.
“I want to be alone.” He sounded so tired. “Sorry.”
Ohika sighed. He rubbed Kannagi’s arm some more before stepping away. “It’s alright. I understand. I’ll leave the stew here for you. Please remember to eat it.”
Kannagi didn’t reply. He just gave a sniffle. Ohika hoped he would remember. He didn’t have much faith, though. He sighed again once he had closed the door behind him.
A miracle. He had to laugh.