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Dylan
Crazy bitch
The cruel words dance around my brain, expertly leaping away from any of my mental blocks.
My stomach hurts and I have to fight to keep my lips from trembling.
Get your shit together, Dylan, I tell myself angrily.
William Hawthorn's father is a specialist in the bipolar condition, and Calumn had enlisted him to meet with me once a fortnight.
Why that bastard doctor had confided in his horrendous son about me was beyond my understanding. Whatever happened to patient confidentiality?
I had just been minding my own business at my locker when William had suddenly approached me. An earnest grin had marred his tanned face, and my stupid heart had even fluttered.
I can still hear him asking me out to dinner and my shocked acceptance. I had already been considering if going out with him would make me less love sick over a certain pair of Royal twins.
But I will never forget what William said next. It began with a nasty laugh and that's when my stomach began to sink.
"Why would I go out with some crazy bitch like you? You’ll probably set me on fire if I ignore your texts!"
I honestly believe that I might’ve taken it easier if I had still been living with my parents because I haven’t felt this specific kind of hurt in a long time.
Several months ago my father died, and along with him went his lifelong abuse and mockery of me and my mental illness.
I had actually almost forgotten how much of a knife in the gut it was.
Almost
Gritting my teeth, I dig my fingers angrily into the sand. Despite my upbringing, it was still odd to me that there was a whole beach just beyond the Royal mansion.
I glance behind at me at the gigantic mansion looming over me and quickly look away again. It just reminds me that Hartley is in there somewhere upset.
When I had gotten home from school, I had ignored Hartley's friendly questions about my day and responded with a curt "just leave me the fuck alone".
Easton, who had been lying on the couch in the apartment's living room, had snapped my name in warning. I knew he wanted me to apologise to Hartley and explain my feelings to them.
But I couldn't.
I didn't know how and I didn't want to anyway.
Sometimes Easton can explain my feelings to me, since he has ADHD, but other times he is just as lost as Hartley about my mood swings.
Even with my daily medication, my bipolar still affects me. Yes, the pills dull my states of mania and depressive episodes, but they don’t eradicate them completely.
God I wish they could, then I could finally be normal.
Tears of frustration slide down my cheeks because the self-hatred I thought I had out-run for good has finally caught up to me.
My cries get louder as I turn hysterical and I quickly clap a hand over my mouth. The pain is overwhelming, it’s in my stomach, my chest, my throat, fucking everywhere.
"I hate myself," I whisper brokenly to the waves that are crashing to the shore a few feet away from me.
For a few minutes, I try to calm down by watching the foamy water slide close to my toes before getting swept back to the sea.
Although I manage to control my tears, the seemingly permanent lump in my throat is making it difficult to breathe. I pull my knees to my chest.
"Seb and I are going swimming, wanna join?"
Sawyer's light hearted voice calls out from behind me, and I can now hear the twins' heavy footsteps approaching me.
My posture goes ridgid almost instantaneously and bile rises to my throat. The twins can’t see me like this.
These past few months, Seb and Sawyer have been determined to break as many hearts as possible with their dangerous charm and godly good looks. Yet despite the emotional distance and harsh sarcasm they offer everyone else, I've been the exception. Instead, I've been met with kindness and banter.
I’m not sure why they have chosen not to shun me like they have the rest of the world, but I can’t lose them.
However, I definitely will once they realise how broken I am.
Leaping to my feet, I cover my blotchy face with shaking hands and try to dart past them.
It doesn’t work. Football has made their reflexes sharp.
In less than a second, Seb has yanked my hands away from my face and is swooping his head down to inspect for injuries. Sawyer is looking too, a mix of confusion and concern furrowing his brow.
My heart pounds frantically in my ears and I fight my brain to not acknowledge that both of them are shirtless.
"Why were you crying? Did someone hurt you?" Seb demands and I flinch at his tone.
Stay in control, Dylan. Don't let them see the cracks. They can't know.
They'll leave
Just like Hartley had all those years ago…
Although my sister has now well and truly earned my forgiveness and understanding, I can't quite shake the trauma her departure left, the angry void it created, as well as the fear of being left alone.
I don’t realise I’m shaking or that the twins are talking to me until Sawyer snaps my name loudly. Instinctively, my head jolts up and I meet their gazes.
Their eyes, blue like the ocean behind me, are bubbling with something. Anger? Frustration? I'm not sure.
It’s definitely something protective and that observation should not make my heartstrings pulse with life like it does.
"No, I just want to go back to my apartment.” I tell them bluntly.
I actually don’t want to go anywhere near the apartment Hartley and I share, I would just be holed up in my room with just my self-hatred for company. I’m not sure what I might do then.
The old and hidden scars that mark my thighs start to tingle under my school uniform.
Actually, I know exactly what I’d do.
“It's getting cold out here," I add lamely, a complete fib because with Sebastian's large hands still holding mine, I am the furthest thing from cold.
The twins can tell I’m lying, it’s like they can see straight through me but fortunately Sawyer plays along.
"You can go back as soon as you tell us who upset you. We can beat the details out of them." Sawyer's voice has a hard edge that I haven't heard before, and I instantly find myself believing them to be fully capable of the threat.
My eyes skirt carefully between them before I feel my shoulders slump under the weight of my internal pain.
"I'm fine, really. I was just thinking about Dad."
That's a safe excuse.
Except the twins don't buy it, of course.
Somehow, despite only months of friendship, they have gained the ability to see through my bullshit as well as my sister and Easton can.
Dropping my eyes to the ground, I yank my hands out of Seb's grasp and wrap my arms around my abdomen.
I’m practically hugging myself, how pathetic…
"It was just some idiot at school..." I mutter, finally giving in.
Risking a glance at their faces, I’m shocked when I don’t find any traces of mockery; the taunts to toughen up and to stop being so sensitive.
Instead, their eyes have darkened and if they weren't forcing me to talk to them, I would've backed away in fear of their grim expressions.
"They got a name?" Seb's lips have turned back slightly, he’s practically snarling, and I can't help but wish I was taller so I wouldn't feel so intimated.
"It's really nothing-" I try once again to deter them but Sawyer cuts me off by saying my name sharply. It reminds me of Easton's warning. The Royal's really are alike. And they all look after each other.
However, I am not a Royal.
"Leave me alone!" I suddenly shout, tearing away from them and scrambling backward toward the ocean.
They will never be able to understand. They wouldn’t even want to try. Bipolar hasn’t become some tumblr aesthetic like depression and anxiety, bipolar is still a freak disease.
"You don't have to be so nice to me, you know. I don't need your pity." The venomous words leave my tongue before I can properly think them through. I'm falling back into old habits now: shut everyone out before they can leave me .
Soon I'll be refusing to take my pills…
Seb chuckles darkly while Sawyer's frown deepens, however both their eyes are searching mine intently.
"Is that what you think this is? We pity you?" Despite his scathing remark, Seb chuckles again.
My stomach starts to do somersaults and I hug myself tighter in an attempt to calm it down.
"Trust me baby, if that's all it was, we wouldn't even be having this conversation," Sawyer drawls lowly and blood rushes to my cheeks.
Are they making fun of me? Have they figured out my stupid crush? I’ve tried to be subtle about it because I wanted to wait until Ella’s upcoming wedding — when I will have a nice dress and a professional face of makeup — to confess something to them.
Or at least that was the plan before William reminded me of what a freakshow I am.
Clenching my jaw, I glare at the ground. I don’t want to give the twins the satisfaction of knowing that they're getting to me.
Slowly, they approach me again and I bite down hard on my lip to hide its trembling. My tears are horribly hot in the corners of my eyes.
I will not cry
I will not cry
"I'm a freak. You should pity me. You should cut me out like you do to everyone else." My voice is shaky and I can feel their gazes practically burning holes through my skull.
I hunch in on myself, wishing the ground would just swallow me up.
"You're not a freak, Dylan, and whoever made you think like this is going to be drinking out of straw for the next year." Sebastian growls and I glance up in surprise.
He can’t be serious.
"I'm fucking bipolar, I belong in a goddam asylum!” The words sting my ears but the twins have to know. For some strange reason, they haven’t figured out the true ugliness of my disease but they will one day. And I’m not waiting around for them to leave me, I will drive them away myself if that’s what it takes to keep my heart safe.
"The hell you do! Bipolar or not, you belong with the Royals. Now, tell us who the fuck is responsible for this." Sawyer's firm words and Sebastian's tough look of agreement nearly have me hugging them right there.
Quietly, I muttered the bastard's name. "William Hawthorn".
"Hawthorn? As in the son of your psychiatrist?"
My eyes widened because I didn’t know they knew who my doctor was...or even that I’d been seeing one at all. Feeling slightly disorientated, I nod.
"He's just lost his licence and his son is gonna lose his teeth." Sawyer continues furiously and I only realise that I’m backing away from him and his twin when cool water laps against my ankles.
Instantly, the boys soften.
“C’mere, Dylan,” Sebastian murmurs, stepping forward to guide me away from the water.
We all sit down together on the sand. The twins are on either side of me and it's a bubble of protection that warms me to my very core.
Sawyer pulls his knees up and rests his head on them, watching me intently. Seb is sat up straight, long legs stretched out in front of him. He glares out at the ocean for a few moments before turning to me.
"Has this ever happened before?"
I shake my head because my throat is still too tight to speak. I really don’t want to cry in front of them.
"You know you can always talk to us, right? And Hartley too. You're not alone anymore. And you never will be again."
My heart freezes at Sawyer's words and I slowly look between the twins. It seems that under all their brawn and bitter sarcasm, they have two hearts of gold.
Smiling softly, I nod and let out a light laugh. The internal pain is rapidly starting to dissipate and the crushing weight on my shoulders is lifting.
I'm not alone anymore.
The twins both offer me intense eyes and tender smiles.
I'll never be alone again.