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“Haru,” whispered a voice amidst the darkness of the night.
Seated in a rattan chair shaped like an egg by the balcony of their shared apartment, Haru leafed through the final page of his magazine disinterestedly, beckoned by the sound of his lover’s voice. He set the magazine down onto the small coffee table in front of him, pulling his knees to his chest and turning his face towards the open doors.
“Couldn’t sleep, Rin?”
Rin shook his head, leaning against the door jamb with his arms folded across his chest. His hair was a mess and his body was swathed in the light blue knitted blanket Haru had gotten him several birthdays ago, cold from the midnight’s chilly breeze.
“I couldn’t stop thinking,” Rin answered by way of explaining, taking a step forward. He nodded towards the rattan chair and raised a brow, wordlessly asking Haru to make room for him.
Haru unfurled his legs and raised his arms, welcoming Rin into his embrace. They shared the tiny space, comfortable and warm, cocooned by the little egg-shaped chair and staring out into the skyline. The clock had ticked past midnight around an hour-and-a-half ago, but the sky was a mass of clouds and beams, bright and foggy, no thanks to the city’s light pollution.
“What were you thinking of?” Haru asked, pressing a chaste kiss against Rin’s cheek. It was cold, much like the midnight breeze. He could feel Rin shivering against him.
Somewhere in the distance, cheers erupted from twenty floors below. A hoard of Olympians passed through the winding path surrounding their building, buzzed and boisterous, celebrating the imminent end of what was sure to have been a remarkable pitstop in their journey as athletes with colourful flags hanging off their shoulders. Haru and Rin had been the same earlier that night, celebrating with their team with frothy beers and hearty cheers, but age had worn them down and ushered them back into their room earlier than they’d foreseen.
Rin smiled, light and airy. “I was just thinking of how crazy our lives have been over the past decade. It’s crazy, isn’t it?”
“What is?”
“Our careers. Two Olympic runs; four golds, a silver and two bronzes. Who would’ve thought?”
Haru snorted. “You sound like you’re doubting your achievements, Rin.” He pressed another chaste kiss, this time on the tip of Rin’s cold nose, smiling into his skin. When Rin failed to respond, Haru paused, looking at him cautiously. “You’re not actually doubting your achievements, are you?”
Rin nuzzled into the warmth of Haru’s neck, shaking his head. “The opposite, actually. I’m… proud, Haru. Of us. Who would’ve thought?”
He raised his head to nose at Haru’s chiseled jawline, grinning against his neck.
“I guess I got a little sentimental while putting away my stuff earlier. I came across our lucky picture and… it just made me think of how far we’ve come. I can’t believe it’s coming to an end.”
Haru frowned. “Our… lucky picture?”
“Yeah! Just—” Rin jumped out of his place curled up against Haru, nearly making Haru jump out of his skin. “Wait here.”
Haru watched as Rin scampered off into the darkness of their shared apartment in search of their lucky picture, whatever that might have been. He could hear Rin pushing the creaking door to their bedroom open, falling to his knees with a loud thump as he rummaged through his battered suitcase. Not before long, Rin re-emerged again with the same knitted blanket clinging to his skin, holding a small, yellowed picture between his deft fingers.
He bumped against Haru with the side of his thigh, muttering a soft scoot as he squeezed into the small pocket of space between Haru and the frame of the egg-shaped chair, curling into a warm ball.
“Here,” Rin said, folding his legs up and pressing his knees against his own chest. Haru tried as best as he could to turn towards him, curled up in a similar fashion on the giant chair. He looked at the picture nestled in the palms of Rin’s hands, only to find the one picture he had guessed to be their lucky picture.
“This one?” Haru asked rhetorically, staring back at the picture of them, along with Makoto and Nagisa, with arms curled over each other’s shoulders and medals hanging from their necks.
In the picture, a young, prepubescent Rin had his arm wrapped around a young, reluctant Haru’s shoulder, smiling triumphantly. He had a tall, skinny trophy nestled in his other arm, shiny and blue—a mark of their first and last win as a relay team back at the Iwatobi Swim Club, a day before Rin had upped and left them in the dust, chasing a dream in a country so far from Japan.
“This is your lucky picture?” Haru asked again in a bit of disbelief. He carefully extracted the picture from between Rin’s fingers, shifting his focus from the tall trophy, to the innocent, joyful look on young Rin’s face. “Why?”
Rin shrugged. “Dunno, to be honest. You don’t know this, but I take this picture with me whenever we have a competition, whether it’s the Olympics or just some small tournament. Nearly forgot to pack it this time, but I’m glad I did. I would’ve felt incomplete without it. It’s become a sort of lucky charm to me.”
“But… why?” Haru asked again, feeling a bit like a broken record. He could feel himself shifting uncomfortably as he focused on his young self, internally chiding himself for acting so nonchalant towards Rin in his youth.
While this was a picture of something positive from their childhood; something he presumed Rin treasured as a good memory, or maybe even the start of a long, fulfilling swimming career—Haru felt uncomfortable revisiting unaddressed emotions from a time so long ago. He could still remember the burn of missing Rin back then very keenly, only mildly comforted by the fact that Rin was here now and had been here by his side for at least the last decade or so, chasing a shared dream.
Rin watched him quietly, sensing his discomfort. “I guess this was the first memory I had of you where I thought, ‘Wow, I want to conquer the world with him. He’s amazing.’ And you still are, Haru. Amazing, that is.”
Haru scoffed lightly, no vehemence to his derision. “I’m not the only one in this picture, y’know. And we couldn’t have done it without Makoto and Nagisa.”
“I know, I know, but—” Rin averted his eyes, looking out into the city from across the balcony. “You changed me, y’know? Not Makoto. Not Nagisa. You. You changed my life from the first moment I saw you, and you changed me many times after, through every fight and through all the blood, sweat and tears—you changed me for the better, Haru. I found my dream because of you.”
He tilted his head, smiling at Haru with his cheek pressed against his knee.
“I found our dream because of you, Haru.”
Haru looked at Rin, thoughtfully, carefully processing the words he spoke. It was silly in hindsight, wasn’t it, for something as insignificant as a kiddy race at the age of no more than ten, to have sparked a lifetime’s worth of endless goals and dreams? It was very much like Rin had said—who would’ve thought?
“I still remember the conversation we had after the competition ended,” Rin said wistfully, twirling the hem of his blanket around his finger. “Do you?”
Haru frowned, upset with himself for not being able to recall said conversation.
“Remind me,” he said, “of what we said then.”
An owl hooted from amongst the trees in the distance as Rin took a deep breath, gathering his thoughts. He watched the moon and the stars as they twinkled in the dark blue sky; a source of light for any traveler navigating the dark, much like Haru had been while Rin waded through the debris of the broken and then mended dreams he had earned himself throughout his life. He hoped in his heart that Haru could see it too; that he, too, knew how he had guided Rin towards their shared dream with him, whether intentional or otherwise.
He wanted Haru to know how grateful he was.
“After we left the club that day…”
“C’mon, Haru! Catch me! Catch me!”
Rin yelled, taking off in his scraggly shoes, leaving a cloud of dust in his wake as he sprinted towards the playground. He was quick on his feet, pumped from head to toe with adrenaline, brandishing their new trophy like a sword with a grin plastered across his face. Nagisa chased after him, laughing gleefully as he huffed and puffed and ran.
“Be careful, you two!” Makoto shouted after them, shaking his head with affection rather than disapproval. He turned around, two steps ahead of a rather grumpy Haru, smiling. “C’mon, Haru-chan. We’d better hurry off to the school yard in case we get chased off by the guard or something.”
Haru huffed. “Why can’t we just bury the trophy here then?”
Makoto shrugged. “Rin-chan said it’d be better if we bury it in the school yard. More… ‘romantic,’ whatever that means.”
“Then why don’t we make him bury it by himself then?”
“Oh, c’mon, Haru-chan. Let’s just give in to Rin-chan just this once, okay? He’s leaving tomorrow after all.”
Haru frowned. He didn’t like the thought of Rin leaving, as much as he had been annoyed by Rin’s loud, demanding presence over the last three months or so. He had just gotten used to having Rin around and now he’d decided on leaving? And after winning a trophy as a team at that? What a bother.
Haru had never liked change, after all. He was slow to adapt, slow to warm up and even slower to open up to people. Makoto should’ve known this by now. Makoto should’ve been able to see from his point of view, rather than Rin’s.
“Oi, Haru!” Rin yelled, circling back around. He caught up to Haru, walking backwards by his side. “Why do you look so upset? We won the relay, didn’t we?”
“I’m not upset,” Haru barked, shrugging off the hand Rin had attempted to touch his shoulder with. “I just think burying the trophy is a stupid idea. Why win a trophy if no one is going to be able to see it?”
Rin snorted. “Tsk, Haru, you’re too boring. Wouldn’t it be more fun to bury it somewhere only we know so we can find it years later, together? Haven’t you ever even heard of time capsules, Haru-chan?”
Haru grumbled. “I know what a time capsule is, idiot. I just don’t think—”
“Just admit you’re upset I’m leaving and you won’t be able to swim with me anymore, Haru!” Rin exclaimed smugly, walking with his arms nestled behind his head. “No one will laugh at you if you miss me, y’know? I’m pretty amazing, after all.”
Somewhere in the distance, Nagisa was yelling for Rin with his arms waving wildly in the air, begging him to chase after him. Rin grinned, picking up pace before eventually running after the blond boy, running circles around him as they made their way to their middle school. Makoto turned to look at his best friend quietly, smiling benevolently at him.
“I’m not upset,” Haru mumbled, trying to convince himself more than anything. “I won’t miss you at all.”
They arrived at their middle school as the sun began to dip, bathing the small fishing town in smouldering hues of yellow and orange. Rin knelt on the dirt next to the huge cherry blossom tree in their school yard, hastily unzipping his backpack.
“What are you doing, Rin-chan?” Nagisa asked, peeking over Rin’s shoulder.
Out of the bag came a small shovel Rin had nicked from his grandmother’s garden, and a battered, empty shoe box the colour of Rin’s hair. He held the items up, beaming at his friends like he’d just conjured up the most masterful plan, even if all it was was to put their shared trophy in a shoe box and bury it in the name of romanticism.
“Let’s bury our trophy here!” Rin exclaimed excitedly, picking the trophy up off the ground. Makoto and Nagisa knelt on the ground with him, watching as Rin carefully placed the trophy into the shoe box, placing it diagonally so it would fit. Haru stood aside, watching as Rin covered the box with its lid from afar, all the while frowning and mumbling to himself about how he wasn’t upset by any of this at all.
Rin looked over his shoulder, frowning. “Oh, c’mon, Haru. Get on over here. It won’t work if you don’t do this with us!”
Against his will, Haru found himself walking towards them, kneeling down next to Makoto as Rin started digging a hole in the ground with his grandmother’s shovel. Haru looked on skeptically, furrowing his brow the deeper the hole got. He couldn’t shake off the idea that burying their hard-earned trophy was a ridiculous thing to do, not that he really cared for the trophy itself. It had never mattered to him whether he won or lost any races, not really, but this trophy in particular…
If Rin had wanted to win it so much, why was he roping them into the idea of burying it so far into the ground now? What had been the point of winning it then? It felt stupid.
Rin handed the shovel to Makoto, nodding towards the hole and dusting his hands off. “Your turn, Makoto! Nagisa can go next. Haru, you finish it off and cover up the hole.”
Haru huffed, shooting Rin an irritable look. He never liked it when Rin bossed him around. He was certain, this time, that he wouldn't miss Rin.
“I’ll go next!” Nagisa beamed, readily accepting the shovel from Makoto. He began to scoop dirt out of the ground, tossing it over his shoulder without a care in the world, accidentally throwing dirt all over Makoto and Rin.
“Nagisa!”
They shared belly laughs, giggling over Nagisa’s carelessness, covered in dirt and filled to the brim with joy. Everyone except Haru seemed to enjoy the process, excited to bury their special little trophy, their first and only for many years to come. Haru could only bear to watch silently. He won’t miss this at all. He looked up, searching in his friends’ faces what he felt in himself, only to find none of his idle irritation. He couldn’t understand why his friends found any of this fun.
It was just a stupid trophy.
A stupid trophy packed away in a stupid box, waiting for a stupid hole to be dug up so deep it would fit the stupid box, because of an idea suggested by stupid, stupid Rin.
He won’t miss Rin at all.
“Haru-chan, it’s your turn!” Nagisa exclaimed as Rin carefully lowered the box into the hole.
Nagisa handed the grimey shovel to Haru as the four of them looked into the hole, looking at the box as if anticipating it would escape. Haru blinked, feeling the sharp sting of an emotion he couldn’t recognise or put a name to.
This was it, wasn’t it? He’d finish up the job and cover the box in dirt and they’d never see the trophy ever again, or at least until the next time they return to this spot in the yard, years down the road. Maybe they won’t even remember it, even though he doubted that would happen. He knew he’d remember, even if he thought this was all just a silly idea.
And he knew Rin would remember it too. Stupid, stupid Rin.
Haru looked at the mound of soil next to the hole and carefully scooped some onto his shovel, covering the box in dirt again and again and again, until the corners of the box barely poked out.
“Let’s make a promise to return to this spot someday,” Rin piped up all of a sudden, sounding like a vague mix of proud and somber. “Let’s dig up the box together someday, yeah?”
He put his hand forward expectantly, waiting for the others to follow suit. Makoto placed his hand on top of Rin’s, smiling gently, and Nagisa shot his hand out eagerly, placing it on top of Makoto’s with an excited chirp. Haru looked at their pile of hands distrustfully, turning his attention back to the hole. It was nearly fully filled up now, hiding the sight of what they’d buried within it. He piled on one last scoop of dirt, patting the covered up hole with the shovel in the same manner he’d seen his grandmother done whenever she’d planted a new seed.
“C’mon, Haru, we’re waiting for you!” Rin said excitedly, fighting the urge to just reach out and grab Haru’s hand.
The others waited expectantly as Haru looked from person to person, finally fixating on Rin’s eager face. I won’t miss you, he thought, carefully putting his hand atop Nagisa’s, sighing.
“This isn’t goodbye,” Rin said, sounding a tad too mature for his age. “This is ‘until we meet again.’ Okaa-san always tells me that’s what you should say if you hope you’ll meet someone again.” He looked pointedly at Haru, smiling shyly. “So don’t be upset, alright, Haru?”
Haru huffed, furrowing his brows. “I’m not upset,” he said for the umpteenth time, though he wasn’t sure who he was trying to convince anymore. He could feel something unraveling deep within him. He couldn’t understand it, so he shoved it to the back of his mind.
“We’ll win lots and lots of medals and trophies until we come back to this spot again someday, won’t we?” Rin said, grinning smugly, Nagisa’s eager cheer in response bolstering his little ego sky-high. “I want to swim with all of you again someday, after I come back from Australia. So you gotta keep swimming, y’hear me?”
Makoto and Nagisa cheered in unison, pumping fists in the air. Haru, on the other hand, had gone completely silent, staring at the spot of dirt between Rin’s feet. Rin tilted his head, ducking downwards to put himself in Haru’s line of vision.
“Haru?”
“I’m not upset,” Haru muttered, weaker now than it’d been when he’d said it before. The fight was leaving him.
Rin smiled knowingly. “We’ll swim again together someday, yeah, Haru? We’ll conquer the world together someday, I bet. You gotta believe in us!”
I don’t know, Haru thought, giving in. I think I’ll miss you a little bit.
“Let’s swim again someday,” Haru said softly, staring at his feet.
“I think,” Haru started, “that was the first time I realised I liked you. Just a little bit.”
Rin snorted, snuggling up against Haru’s neck. “Just a little bit, Haru?”
Haru nodded, smiling gently. “It’s grown a lot more since then though.”
“I should hope so,” Rin laughed. “You’d have to like me a lot to be retiring after two Olympic runs with me and to, um, y’know, want to get married to me.”
Haru wrapped his arms around Rin, pulling him flush against him. “Yeah, I guess you’re right, huh?”
“I’m always right.”
“As if.”
They hugged one another, rocking gently as they watched the night sky over the parapet, feeling awfully nostalgic, bathed in emotions that ran deep and high. Two Olympic runs were enough, it seemed.
On to other dreams.
Together, forever.