Archive of Our Own

If you told the Akutagawa of three years ago that he'd be waiting for Atsushi below his apartment with a bouquet of flowers in his hands, he would've scoffed and called you an idiotic fool. Yet, here he is, doing exactly that, with not a single bit of regret in his bones.

Akutagawa closes his locker, glancing at his timetable to make sure he's going the right way, and begins walking down the hallway.

It's his first year of high school. The hallways are relatively empty because he's running a bit late, having sent Gin off earlier. He wanted to make sure they got to school safely, so he didn't mind sacrificing a bit of his own time.

Akutagawa makes his way to his class, his almost-empty backpack slung over his shoulder. He takes out his phone to reply to Gin's message, who’s in junior high school, when someone bumps into his shoulder with an abnormal amount of strength, sending him crashing into the lockers. 

“Shit,” he curses, knowing his shoulder will bruise. The stranger in question makes a panicked sort of noise and Akutagawa looks up with a glare. 

“Sorry! Sorry, are you hurt? I didn’t mean to, sorry—”

“Apologise again and I will cut your throat,” he grumbles. It is much too early to be dealing with this. “Watch where you’re going.”

“Sor—yeah, okay. Um, I’m new and I’m late so I’ll have to go now. Do you happen to know where class 1A is, by any chance?” he asks sheepishly. 

Now that he’s looking properly, Akutagawa notices the boy’s hair. It’s a pretty silver colour that shines even in the pathetic hallway lights. His bangs are cut horrendously, slanted to the side, but somehow they suit his face. There's a strand of black hidden among his hair.

“I’m heading to 1A,” Akutagawa replies slowly, and the stranger bursts into a relieved smile. 

“That's a relief! Do you mind if I follow you there?”

Akutagawa just has to roll his eyes. “What, you’ll go away if I say no?” He stalks away before the stranger can reply. 

They reach their class with a minute to spare. Akutagawa walks in and glances around, noticing that there are only two seats left at the back of the class. He holds in a great sigh and walks over, ignoring the glances of classmates that he doesn’t intend to get to know. The stranger slides into the seat next to him and Akutagawa desperately wishes to tell him to screw off, but there are no other seats available for him to screw off to. 

“I’m Nakajima Atsushi, by the way. You can call me Atsushi,” he whispers as he leans over, abnormally coloured eyes shining with an emotion he can’t decipher. 

“Don’t talk to me,” he says. Atsushi frowns. 

“Would it hurt you to be a bit more polite? That’s not very nice.”

“I will sew your lips shut with my own bare hands.”

Atsushi glares, an expression Akutagawa was unaware he is able to do. He huffs and turns around, talking to another classmate that Akutagawa once again cannot care less about. He closes his eyes and leans back against his seat. 

Akutagawa’s fate must despise him, because he finds out that they will be having permanent, assigned seats for the rest of the year. 

Fortunately, it seems like Atsushi no longer has any interest in talking to him, instead sending him heated looks whenever they accidentally make eye contact or bump into each other on the way to classes. Akutagawa returns the gesture, lips curling distastefully in hopes to show Atsushi that the feeling is definitely mutual. 

Gin tells him it’s too early to be making enemies. Akutagawa just thinks that Atsushi should’ve learned to mind his own business from the start. 

Maybe it's a bit petty, but Akutagawa doesn't like people like Atsushi. People who are meek and skittish and apologise too much irritate him to no end.

During English class, Akutagawa feels triumphant when Atsushi gets called on and he stutters through the paragraph he was supposed to read. Akutagawa subsequently reads his paragraph with perfect pacing and pronunciation. When their teacher compliments him, he sends a not so discreet smirk over to Atsushi. The boy narrows his eyes. 

During PE, Atsushi chucks a ball straight to Akutagawa’s head. He dodges it barely on time, a snarl leaving his throat when he sees Atsushi apologising to their teacher and insisting that it was an accident. When their teacher turns around, Atsushi sticks his tongue out. 

It’s on, Akutagawa thinks, seething. 

Thus began their rather childish rivalry. Everyone who shared classes with them knew to steer clear when the two of them got closer than five feet apart. Akutagawa spends extra effort in his studies just to see Atsushi huff when he gets a higher score on tests. Atsushi smiles like a pretty angel to everyone else, but when they’re not looking, he hisses the dumbest insults known to man to Akutagawa and continues ‘accidentally’ hitting him during PE classes. Akutagawa thinks he has a bruise on his chest from how hard Atsushi passed the ball to him. 

Akutagawa hates his guts. He hopes Atsushi disappears from his life forever. 

“So for this assignment, you will be working in pairs. I’ve assigned your partner to be your seatmate, so no choosing!”

A collective groan is heard across the class. The project is relatively simple—just a short essay on a topic you and your partner both enjoy, then present it in class. Akutagawa can finish it by himself in two days. Except…

“Please move your tables next to each other and get started.”

Akutagawa glances to his right, where Atsushi is already glaring, looking like he’s swallowed a lemon. He sighs and gestures to his table, indicating that Atsushi should push his table over. 

He shakes his head. You move, Atsushi mouths at him. 

No, Akutagawa mouths back, you move.

No.

Akutagawa shakes his own head stubbornly, sharpening his glare. You move.

You move!

No!

“Atsushi, please move over to Ryuunosuke’s table. You’ll have to get started.”

Akutagawa hides a satisfied grin behind his hand as Atsushi nods obediently at their teacher. It’s pathetic how easily he concedes to people of authority. Akutagawa thinks he needs to grow a spine. 

“Let’s get this over with,” Atsushi grumbles after dragging his chair over, stealing a pen from Akutagawa’s pencil case. 

“Give that back,” he says with an irritated frown. “And I don’t want to be here either.”

“Shut up. You have, like, ten more pens in here. Spoiled brat.”

“Who the hell are you calling spoiled?!”

“Ryuunosuke, language!” their teacher calls.

“Sorry,” he says dismissively before turning back to Atsushi. “If anyone’s the brat, it’s you.”

“Whatever, asshole.”

“Idiot.”

“Jerk.”

“Dumbass.”

“Hissy pants.”

“Weretiger.”

“Weretiger?” Atsushi frowns. “Why that?”

“You’re not going to ask about ‘idiot’ or ‘dumbass’?” Akutagawa asks, unimpressed. Atsushi rolls his eyes. Honestly, he’s so dramatic. Akutagawa hopes his eyeballs get stuck like that. 

“You’re so weird. Hey, we should write about tigers!”

“Why.”

“Because I like tigers and you just called me a weretiger for some reason, so it’s a common interest.”

“I’m insulting you," Akutagawa says slowly, like he's speaking to a child instead of a grown teenager. "I’m insulting you and all the tiger keychains you have on your bag. Seriously, why do you need so many?"

“You noticed?” Atsushi grins with too much cheek. 

“Yeah. Fool.”

“Who says 'fool' anymore? You’re so old,” Atsushi complains. Akutagawa ignores him and tears out a piece of paper from his notebook, writing down ‘Tigers’ and underlining it. 

Atsushi snatches the paper from him and begins doodling a tiger beside the title, much to his displeasure. It’s ugly as hell. Atsushi can’t draw for shit. 

He voices out as much, and Atsushi kicks him in the shins under the table. He bites back a groan and kicks back twice as hard. 

Needless to say, they didn't get any work done that day.

In order to get things done, they go over to Atsushi’s house to work on the project. But that’s only because he lives nearer, and Akutagawa heavily objected to going over to his own. He doesn’t want Gin meeting the boy he’s been complaining about for half a semester so soon. 

Atsushi lives on an average looking street just a few bus stops away from school. They head up the lift of his block—level 18, Akutagawa notes—and towards his apartment. Atsushi unlocks the door and kicks off his shoes, leaving the door wide open and not glancing back at Akutagawa once. 

He huffs to himself, taking off his own shoes and stepping in. As he’s closing the door, he hears hushed whispers coming from the kitchen. He takes a peak and is surprised to see a young girl, probably around the age of 10 or 11, talking to Atsushi with wide eyes. 

She looks nothing like Atsushi, with black hair and a sharp gaze. She turns and they make eye contact, which causes her to hug the bunny doll she’s holding tighter. Atsushi pats her on the back and she rushes off to a room, closing the door.

“That’s Kyouka-chan. She’s shy. But she won’t disturb us,” Atsushi says. 

“Where are your parents?” Akutagawa asks. Gin had made him bring some snacks to pass over as a thank you for lending them their space. As much as Akutagawa does not respect Atsushi, he respects the adults who had to unfortunately raise him. 

Atsushi stills. It’s only for a split second, but Akutagawa catches it. “They’re not here.”

“Oh. Okay.” He frowns, wondering why Atsushi hesitated. “I’ll put these on the table then.”

“What’s that?”

“Not for you,” he snaps. Atsushi scoffs and walks off, presumably to his own room. Akutagawa takes the time to put his bag down and take out his notebook, stationery, as well as a book on tigers that he borrowed from the library. He sets them on the almost empty dining table and takes his phone out to entertain himself.

When Atsushi returns, he’s out of his school uniform and instead in a loose white shirt and some black sweatpants. Akutagawa restrains himself from making an unsolicited comment about how small his clothes make him look. 

“Ooh, a tiger story! I’ve always wanted to read one!”

“That’s a textbook. It’s for our project, fool.”

“Whatever.” Atsushi flips to a random page and points to a line. It says Tigers hunt alone and at night. He snickers. “Seems like something you’d do.”

Akutagawa frowns. He snatches the textbook and flips to another page. Tigers are chatty and make many different sounds. “That’s you.”

Atsushi makes an offended noise. He points. Tigers have good manners. “That’s not you.”

They continue doing that, throwing jabs and insults at each other while trying to find the most obscure fact they can. Akutagawa doesn’t admit it, but it’s almost… fun. Minus all the unfriendly looks and kicks under the table, they manage to learn a lot and write it all down. 

The sound of a key turning cuts through the air. Atsushi tenses, glancing at the door with furtive eyes. Akutagawa frowns. 

The door opens and reveals a tall, young man, holding a book in one hand and a book bag in the other. He looks at Akutagawa and raises his eyebrows in surprise. 

Again, he looks nothing like Atsushi nor Kyouka. The man has dark red hair and blue eyes, along with a sharp nose that neither of them seem to have inherited. Akutagawa looks at the book he’s holding and catches the title, Flawless.

“Atsushi. Who’s this?”

“Ah! Um. This is Akutagawa from school. We’re doing a project.”

The man—father?—seems like he has more to say, but he glances at Akutagawa again and closes his mouth. “Alright. Ranpo-kun wants me to tell you that you’re invited for dinner, by the way. Poe-kun and Yosano-kun will be there as well. They’re back from university for a break.”

Atsushi perks up. “Okay! I’ll tell Kyouka-chan too!”

The man nods and heads off to the room furthest in the apartment, closing the door gently. Akutagawa gives Atsushi a questioning look. 

“…Anyway. I guess we’re done here.” He attempts a smile, though it doesn’t look as bright as it always does. But maybe that’s because it’s directed to Akutagawa. 

He knows to mind his own business, though, so he doesn’t ask. Instead, he tells Atsushi that he’ll do the presentation so that Atsushi doesn’t embarrass them, much to Atsushi’s offence. He packs his things up and leaves as fast as possible without so much of a goodbye. 

It's as he is outside the apartment, tying his shoelaces, when a group of three people step out of the lift, talking among themselves as they head to the apartment opposite Atsushi's. The shortest one among them is waving their arms around as they speak. They suddenly hook their arm around the tallest one's arms, dragging him down, and he yelps. The woman with them giggles, shoving both of them.

The door to that apartment opens, revealing a man with silver hair donning a green yukata. "Are you three done being nuisances? I have tea waiting on the table."

The three chorus their thanks, the shortest even going in for a hug. The woman leans forward as she asks, "Is Atsushi-kun here? I need to show him this new skirt I got."

"He's not here yet," the older man replies. He looks over, making eye contact with Akutagawa, who stiffens. It goes away as quickly as it came, though. "Poe-kun, I haven't seen you in a while. How are you?"

The tallest—Poe, then—jumps at being addressed, but he bows his head with a shy smile. "It's been good. Thanks for having me."

"Of course. I pity anyone who is Ranpo-kun's roommate."

The shortest pulls away from the hug with a huge pout. "Hey!"

The last one must be Yosano then, as Akutagawa recalls the names. The three of them step into the apartment, Yosano closing the door behind her. Their laughter can still be heard from inside, and Akutagawa catches Atsushi's name being mentioned again somewhere during their conversation.

He shouldn't eavesdrop. He finishes up with his shoelace and grabs his bag, heading to the lift.

When he leaves, his heart suddenly feels terribly empty.

"Move. Your bag is leaning on my table."

"Zip it, Weretiger."

Atsushi reaches over and kicks his things to the side. Akutagawa huffs.

Akutagawa is busy shoving his books into his locker when he hears a familiar, aggravating voice. 

“I was gonna try out, and I know you know the captain, but I don’t think I’m good enough…”

He turns his head discreetly, seeing Atsushi and another brown-headed boy walking together. Akutagawa vaguely recognises him as Dazai, the vice-president of the Student Council. He's notoriously well-known within their school for causing insane amounts of trouble while keeping a clean record, somehow.

Akutagawa also knows him through Chuuya. Chuuya is currently a senior and the captain of the volleyball team, but before that, he was also Akutagawa's childhood friend. They lived on the same street and grew up together. But anyway, Dazai and Chuuya are in the same class, and they are… dating? It's complicated, according to everyone who knows them.

“Aw, Atsushi-kun. Just try! You never know. Everyone at the council thinks you’re plenty good,” Dazai assures. 

"Ah, that's kind of different though, Dazai-san. What if I fail?"

"You won't fail." When Akutagawa glances over, he sees the senior give an obnoxious wink. "I'll make sure of it."

Akutagawa’s eye twitches. He hears Atsushi sniffle a little and he wants to just— just grab Atsushi by the collar of his dumb jacket and shake some sense into him. To tell him to, for lack of a better phrase, suck it up.  

Because it's not fair. Atsushi is nice and healthy and everything Akutagawa isn’t, and for him to act like this just gets on his nerves. He hates pathetic people. He hates those who are unable to see their own worth. He hates those who cry.  

He shuts the door to his locker a little harder than necessary and storms off.

"Oi, Akutagawa. What's the answer for 2C? I didn't catch it."

"I don't care."

"Just tell me! You don't have to be such a selfish jerk–"

"Atsushi, is there something important you need to discuss so intensively with Ryuunosuke?" the teacher calls.

Atsushi jumps. If he had a tail, Akutagawa is sure it would've stood up. "Ah! No, but could you go back to question 2C please? I missed it earlier. Sorry." He tilts his head down meekly.

The teacher smiles. "Of course. So over here…"

Atsushi shrinks into his seat. Akutagawa turns away and rolls his eyes.

During their second semester, Chuuya gets his first car. It's a classic, sleek black colour, with a fish keychain hanging from the rearview mirror and red cushions thrown at the back. 

Of course, that means he offered to drive Akutagawa home whenever their schedules matched up, which was whenever Chuuya didn't have volleyball practice. Not only is he the captain, but he's also their ace, meaning he was integral to the team and couldn't afford to miss out. 

Chuuya's also a surprisingly calm driver. Akutagawa expected him to always be speeding and making sharp turns, but he is much more careful than that. 

Anyway, he drives Akutagawa home every Tuesday and Thursday, and those drives have morphed into Akutagawa's mini rant sessions about how much Atsushi irritates him.

"I cannot stand him!" Akutagawa finishes one day, throwing his hands up. They hit the roof of Chuuya's car.

"Wow. This new kid sounds like a hassle."

"Yes! He's so wimpy around everyone else and it is ridiculous. It's like a pity act! He doesn't know how good he has it."

"How so?"

Akutagawa folds his arms. "I've been to his place. He has all these people inviting him for dinner, fawning to be his friend, plus all the seniors adore him and love him so much," he snaps. "They don't know what a pathetic, utterly foolish little boy he is."

“Huh. What’s his name?” Chuuya asks as he makes a right turn. His eyes are focused on the road.

“Nakajima. Atsushi? Whatever. Why do you care?”

“Oh…” Chuuya does an awkward side glance and Akutagawa’s eyes narrow. “I know him. I, uh, accepted him into the volleyball club—”

“You’re a betrayer,” Akutagawa groans before Chuuya can finish, wishing he could open the floor beneath him and sink into it forever. His blood boils underneath his jacket.  “He can’t steal you from me.”

“He’s not stealing me! And he was really good! His spikes are strong for a beginner, and we do need a new ace after I leave—"

“I don’t care!”

The school year passes by with no big incident. Akutagawa somehow manages to get himself two friends, though it’s more like they stuck themselves onto him and he hasn’t found them irritating enough to be mad. He’s never had friends all throughout junior high, so it’s a bit unfamiliar.

Higuchi Ichiyou—a friendly blonde girl who regards him much too highly for his comfort. He doesn’t know much about her, but he does know that she’s the biggest gossip known to man. He’s been told an unfortunate amount of information about his classmates that he really could do without. She’s part of the cheer team too, so she’s pretty popular, but she chooses to stick with him for some reason. 

Tachihara Michizou—a spunky redhead with a bandage over his nose and an enormous attitude. Akutagawa thinks he’s got the record for most detentions given within their year. Apparently, he’s friends and plays Minecraft with Gin, where they met in a discord server. He's also in the library club, which Akutagawa cannot fathom how, but Tachihara claims he joined because of his seniors, Tetchou and Jouno. 

He’s noticed the crowd of people Atsushi surrounds himself with too. Tanizaki, one of the taller boys in their class who apparently has a sister around Gin’s age, is who Atsushi’s seen with most often. They’re both in the Student Council. He also sees Atsushi around with a redheaded girl not from their class. He’s heard she has a pretty ferocious attitude. 

Spring break starts next week. Since it’s their last week of school for the current year, they don’t really have classes anymore. 

When he walks into the classroom, he notices Atsushi passing around goodie bags to everyone. He raises an eyebrow. It’s not a tradition he partakes in, with it being too much effort and whatnot, but then Higuchi approaches him to give him one of her own goodie bags and he feels a little bit bad for not even thinking about it. 

Tachihara gives him one too, mumbling something about his ‘old man insisting on such a useless thing’. Although he grumbles about it, he still forces Akutagawa to open it so he can watch his reaction. 

Akutagawa finds loads of candies and snacks, along with what looks like a handmade omamori. “I don’t think you’re allowed to bring these snacks to school.”

“Shh! I’m risking it all for you two!”

“You’d risk it all for a street rat,” Higuchi says, but thanks him all the same. 

The sound of someone clearing their throat makes them turn around. It’s Atsushi, holding something behind his back, a reluctant look on his face. 

Akutagawa gives him a questioning look and the boy groans, shoving something into his hands. “Here. Don’t give me that look! I didn’t want to, but Oda-san said I should since you’ve visited and gave us a gift, so take it. Shut up.”

Akutagawa doesn’t bother asking who he's talking about. “I didn’t even say anything.”

“Shut up! I hate you. Bye.”

He stalks off, the three of them watching him go. Higuchi sighs. “Does he piss you off, Akutagawa? I can burn that gift away for you!”

“No need,” he coughs, looking at the blue paper bag he was given. It’s sealed with a cute tiger sticker. “I don’t care.”

When he goes home that day, he hides himself in his room and opens up the gift from Atsushi. He’s surprised when he finds a box of strawberry flavoured mochi, rolled up into carefully shaped-balls. On the back of the box lies a post-it note. 

I hope I don’t have to sit beside you next year. Enjoy the mochi I made.

“I bet it’s poisoned,” Akutagawa mutters to himself, opening the box. He takes out a mochi and bites into it, unfortunately delighted when he sees that there are actual strawberry bits wrapped up in the mochi. He chews quietly, eating the mochi one by one until they’re all gone and all that’s left is the empty box. 

Wiping his sticky fingers, he makes a mental note to thank Atsushi tomorrow. It’s only polite, after all. 

Akutagawa doesn’t see Atsushi in any of his classes in their second year. 

He counts his blessings. He still remains in the same class as Tachihara and Higuchi, so he leads a quieter life for the rest of the school year. 

Still, he finds that his eyes fall onto any student with silvery hair, only to look away when they’re not the boy he’s familiar with. In the cafeteria, he glances at tables with large groups of friends, searching for Atsushi’s face against his will. 

It’s odd, but Akutagawa cannot help it. 

When he does find him and makes eye contact with him, Atsushi looks away, quick as a flash. Akutagawa learns about him from Higuchi, mostly. Atsushi’s the star of the volleyball team and on the way to becoming captain, with how things are looking. He’s still being tutored by Kunikida in maths, a senior who’s graduated, and hangs out regularly with Dazai during those sessions, who comes by to annoy them. There are a few rumours about his dating life too, which Akutagawa ignored.

Overall, Akutagawa doesn’t care about him at all. He didn’t need someone like him in his life. 

Third year rolls around, and on the first day of school, Akutagawa collapses. 

A coughing fit, he realises. Not uncommon, but this one is particularly rough. He also skipped breakfast this morning and exerted himself when running for the bus. He manages to calm himself for a bit and pulls his hand away from his mouth, unsurprised to see blood staining it. 

He decides that it’s a minor issue and he can still head for class, but when he stands up, his vision spins. He stumbles, bumping into the lockers at his side and coughing again. 

His head is throbbing. He hears someone calling his name and turns, eyes unfocused but landing on a boy around his height. Before he can take a clearer look at his face, he blacks out. 

Akutagawa wakes up in the infirmary. When he blinks the blurriness out of his eyes, he pushes himself up with his hands. He leans on the pillows and takes a deep breath, trying to soothe the discomfort in his chest. Looking to the side, Akutagawa is grateful to see his water bottle, and grabs it to take a sip.

When he's done, he turns to put the water bottle back, only to notice a pink post-it note sitting on the bedside table. He frowns and grabs it, holding it up to his eye level.

Akutagawa,

You fainted in the hallway. I brought you here and informed your friends. Also, we're in the same class again! I hope you're feeling better 

- Atsushi

Akutagawa wonders if it's reasonable for him to frown as hard as he is doing so right now, considering the circumstances. He does appreciate that he was brought to the infirmary instead of remaining passed out on the floor, but still… did it have to be Atsushi?

Just then, the school nurse walks by. She smiles gently and checks up on him despite Akutagawa insisting that he's fine (it's a regular occurrence). The whole time she does so, Akutagawa attempts to get the silver-haired boy out of his head.

It doesn't work. He's kind of mad about it.

The nurse instructs him to take the rest of the day off, giving him the permission slip, but Akutagawa ignores her and heads to his next class. It's just after lunch period, so he only has two more classes left. He makes his way to his classroom on time and spots Higuchi, who has a spot saved next to her. There aren't assigned seats yet since it's the first day of school, so he can sit wherever. He approaches her and she looks up.

"Oh, Akutagawa! They let you out?"

"No," he answers, and before she can scold him, he continues, "where's Tachihara?"

"He's skipping this class because he hates the teacher," she answers with a roll of her eyes. "Apparently, he roped Tanizaki into it too."

"Tanizaki? The student council, goody-two shoes one?"

"I think Tachihara is a bad influence."

"Actually, Tanizaki started it," a new voice joins.

They both turn around. While the seats behind them were empty when Akutagawa walked in, they're now occupied by Lucy and Atsushi. Atsushi and Akutagawa make eye contact and once again, Atsushi looks away instantly.

Higuchi's eyes sparkle. Akutagawa sighs, knowing that once she's invested in something, her mouth will not stop running. "You're joking. Is he secretly a rebel?"

Lucy grins. Akutagawa thinks a bad, bad friendship is about to begin.

"Don't tell anyone, but…" She leans in comically. They're one table apart. She doesn't even need to lean in. "Jun secretly has a tattoo on his back."

"What?" Higuchi whispers, eyes widening.

"Yeah. It's massive too. He's had it since second year. And it’s punk as shit.”

“Lucy!” Atsushi hisses. “I don’t think you’re supposed to be telling people that!”

“Oh, Higuchi won’t tell. And Akutagawa doesn’t have any other friends to tell this to. And I bet you Tachihara already knows.”

Higuchi puts her hands to her mouth. “That’s crazy. What else has he been hiding?”

Akutagawa sighs. Again. 

Lucy tells them that Tanizaki regularly goes to parties and even hosts some with his sister, Naomi. She tells them that Tanizaki secretly has his belly button pierced, and that he dyed his hair blue in the summer. Higuchi, in turn, feels the need to ‘ruin Tachihara’s reputation’, as he would say it, and tell them that Tachihara plays Animal Crossing. She also mentions his love for puppies, which Akutagawa thinks is going too far. 

Lucy eats every word up. Even throughout the lesson, they keep whispering to each other. Maybe it’s a long overdue friendship, but when class ends, the girls leave together. Akutagawa and Atsushi trail behind their friends. 

“Um,” Atsushi begins. Akutagawa doesn’t look at him. 

“Hey. I’m talking to you.”

“What?” he bites out. He doesn’t want to be here. It’s only because Higuchi and Lucy are inseparable now, or something. 

“Jeez. I was just going to ask if you were okay. You were coughing up blood, you know.”

Akutagawa feels that familiar spark of annoyance and grits his teeth. “Why do you care?”

“Is that so wrong?”

“We’re not friends,” Akutagawa tells him, voice flat. “You don’t need to act like this just to prove to yourself that you’re a nice person.”

“Forgive me for being concerned. I forgot you’re not a decent human being. No wonder you’re confused,” Atsushi snaps, turning his head away. 

Akutagawa huffs. He’s not going to lie and pretend to be a good person. “Yeah. If I saw you passed out in the hallway, I’d step on you.”

“Fuck you!”

“Language, Atsushi,” Lucy calls from in front, where she magically hears them. Atsushi pouts and Akutagawa thinks it’s a little bit funny. Just a little bit. 

He does not hide a laugh behind a cough, absolutely not. 

“You should study with us at Jun’s after school!” Lucy says to Higuchi. “Your friends can come too.”

“I’d love to!”

“Lucy!” Atsushi bemoans. It’s not the first time today. “You can’t just invite people! And you didn’t even ask Jun yet.”

“He’s right there. I’ll ask him now. Hey!”

Akutagawa looks ahead, where Tanizaki and Tachihara are leaning up against the wall outside their classroom, talking to each other. They look up in sync and Tachihara sends a finger gun over because he’s lame.

“How was being a delinquent?” Higuchi asks Tachihara, punching him in the shoulder. “You missed out on so much gossip.”

“You’ll tell me later, anyway,” Tachihara laughs. 

“Jun, can we invite them to our study session later?” Lucy asks. 

Tanizaki shrugs. “Sure.”

Well. Akutagawa thinks Tanizaki’s quite chill, despite the things he overheard from Lucy and Higuchi’s conversation. He pretends not to see Atsushi frowning. 

“Eh? Study? Tanizaki, I didn’t take you for the studious type,” Tachihara says. “We should just play Minecraft with Gin.”

“What?” Akutagawa cuts in. He looks at Tanizaki. “You know my sister?”

“Ah. Um, Naomi’s friends with her. So I got to know her through Naomi?”

Huh. Interesting.

“Tachihara, we always play Minecraft with Gin," Tanizaki sighs. "It’s senior year, don’t you think you should study?”

“Nah. I’m a genius.”

“You cried over history just yesterday,” Higuchi mumbles. She’s relentless. 

“I fucking hate history,” Tachihara replies with a pleasant smile. “But whatever. Fine.”

“Yay! Then it’s settled. Oh, our teacher’s coming,” Lucy says. 

They finish off their last class for the day and pack up. Akutagawa texts Gin to let them know that he won’t be waiting for them to head home. They ask why, and when he tells them that he’s going over to Tanizaki’s, they reply with ten thumbs up emojis. 

Tanizaki apparently lives nearby, so they walk. Tanizaki and Tachihara walk ahead, arguing about something that Akutagawa wants no part in. Higuchi and Atsushi are behind them, surprisingly getting along. Akutagawa hears them bonding over Dance Moms. He only knows about it because Gin’s extremely invested. 

That leaves him and Lucy. 

“Hey, Akutagawa.”

“What?”

“What do you have against Atsushi?”

Lucy’s keeping her voice down, so it’s clear she expects this conversation to be private. Akutagawa sighs. “Do I have to answer that?”

“Yes.”

She’s an insistent girl. Akutagawa sighs again. He takes a moment to think about it. 

“His behaviour gets on my nerves,” he admits. “He’s always so timid and polite, and he lets people step all over him. If it wasn’t for you by his side, I’d call him a doormat. And I think it’s stupid because he fights back with me all the time.”

“Really?”

Akutagawa wishes he could glare holes into the back of Atsushi’s head. “I did a project with him in first year. It made me want to screw his head off.”

Lucy laughs. “I remember that project. The one about tigers.”

“Yes. And I’m aware I’m not the nicest person to him. But he gave me a box of mochi at the end of our first year. And he takes me to the infirmary willingly. That’s stupid.”

“Why stupid? I think it’s kind, more than anything.”

“It’s fake,” Akutagawa spits. He never realised he could get so fired up about this topic. “And it pisses me off. I’m not nice to him, but he still treats me like this. He desperately needs to put on this act because he thinks it'll make him a good person. He has pissed me off since the first day I met him, where he apologised to me five times in the span of two seconds.”

"Hm." Lucy looks ahead, her eyes on the back of Atsushi's head. "It's not my place to say, but I think you're making a lot of assumptions. You should try to get to know him better first. I think you two would get along."

Akutagawa scoffs. “You’re daft.”

She ignores him and continues walking with a serene smile on her face, leaving Akutagawa to his own thoughts. 

Tanizaki's sister, Naomi, has absolutely zero boundaries.

She squeals when she spots Akutagawa, who freezes like a deer in headlights. Tanizaki can't even get a word out before the girl is dashing forward, grabbing Akutagawa's hands and clasping them together. Her eyes twinkle and Akutagawa stares, shell-shocked.

"I've wanted to meet Gin's older brother the moment they told me about you!" Naomi gushes. "Wow, you two look so alike! You've got the exact same eyes! Is your hair like that naturally, by the way? It looks so cool!"

"Um."

"Naomi!" Tanizaki sighs. "Let him breathe. He just got here."

"But he's Gin's cool older brother!" Naomi says. "I've been dying to talk to him ever since Gin told me that he's actually a softie!"

From the side, Higuchi covers her mouth. Tachihara straight up laughs.

Akutagawa rips his hands away. He looks to Higuchi for help, not sure what to say. She comes to his aid, thankfully, and waves her hand. "It's nice to meet you too, Naomi! We're here to study."

"Study? Jun always brings his friends home to study, but then they play Mario Kart for three hours instead," Naomi huffs. Tanizaki groans.

"We should totally do that," Tachihara says with a grin that practically spells mischief. "Come on, Tanizaki. Unless you're scared."

Akutagawa has never seen Tanizaki look this determined. "I'm not scared. Fine. Let's do it."

He catches Lucy's eye, who shrugs. "This happens every time. I actually need to study, though. I'll fail chemistry at this rate."

"I'll study with you," Atsushi begins, but Lucy shakes her head. 

"No, I pick Higuchi. You should play with them—Mario Kart's more fun with more people. You too, Akutagawa." She shoots him a look that has Akutagawa feeling uneasy.

He's not going to argue with her, though. He knows Lucy is part of the debate club, and he does not want to find out what it's like to be verbally beaten into the ground.

Tanizaki sets up the game and they each take a controller. Tanizaki and Tachihara opt to sit on the floor for some reason, both claiming that it helps them win, whereas Akutagawa, Atsushi, and Naomi take the couch. Akutagawa sends a quick text to Gin to update them on what he's doing and they tell him to crush Tachihara's cocky ass for them. 

Akutagawa has only played Mario Kart a few times from when he visited Chuuya when they were younger, but he thinks he's pretty good. He picks the black Shy Guy, because he always does. Atsushi tells him that he's much too basic.

"The hell are you picking then?" he asks with a glare.

Atsushi picks the white Shy Guy and Akutagawa seriously considers strangling him.

Tachihara picks Baby Luigi because he's predictable like that. Tanizaki picks Toad and Naomi laments about how Yoshi is a much better character. Then, they pick their vehicles, and because Akutagawa is the only one with a brain cell here, he spends time combing through the selection screen and comparing the statistics of different vehicle models. 

Tachihara picked a motorbike. Atsushi picked a regular car. Tanizaki picks a monster truck. After a bit of arguing about whether that's a good decision or not, they begin the game. And they're off.

It starts off simple enough. Akutagawa takes a bit to remember the controls, and it seems like they're all getting into the mood, so the first stage goes by smoothly. The second is a little more chaotic, especially because Tachihara fell off the stage and couldn't get out. The third is whatever. The fourth stage—

Look, Akutagawa likes to think he's a calm, collected player, who makes swift decisions and knows how to play fair.

He also thinks that Atsushi might bring out the worst in him, especially in Rainbow Road.

"What the fuck is your problem!" Akutagawa screeches, kicking Atsushi with zero remorse. "How dare you!"

"OW! Don't be a sore loser, Akutagawa!"

"You hit me!"

"That's the point of— ow! Eyes on the screen, dude!"

"Die in a ditch!"

"You're just mad that I'm winning and— did you just blue-shell me?!"

Akutagawa cackles.

Nobody won first place. Akutagawa comes in at fourth, but he doesn't care because Atsushi isn't first and for some reason that feels like a much greater win.

"How about we play something else…" Tanizaki suggests, glancing back at them uneasily. "I have Overcooked. It's a team-based cooking game, so there's no need to fight."

It's much worse. They end up burning the kitchen down while Tachihara's character continues to chop meat and throw them at Tanizaki's character, much to his displeasure. Atsushi's character stays at the corner washing dishes, ignoring the fiasco. Akutagawa wants to rip his own hair out.

"I should've studied," Akutagawa gripes. "You're all terrible teammates."

"You're the one who can't use the fire extinguisher!" Atsushi screeches. Akutagawa grabs a pillow and throws it square in his face.

"Higuchi, should the bedroom be in this room or the one further down?" Lucy asks.

"Hm. This one." 

"Okay!"

They continue building their Minecraft house when yet another scream cuts through their peace. Higuchi turns to the girl next to her, who looks completely unbothered. "Do you think they're okay?"

"Eh? Oh, yeah. As long as Atsushi and Akutagawa are bonding."

Higuchi snorts. "If you say so. I'm going to adopt a cat."

"We have five already."

"One more won't hurt."

"Hey! I see Lucy at that table! Let's eat lunch with them!" Higuchi tugs onto Akutagawa's sleeve, practically bouncing on her toes.

Akutagawa looks at where she's pointing. He spots Lucy easily, who sits at a round table, her red hair standing out among the masses. She has her uniform jacket off and is on her phone, probably texting someone. A lunchbox sits in front of her, unopened.

"Um, okay…" Akutagawa says. He looks to Tachihara for confirmation, only to find him already striding forward. He supposes he has no choice, then.

They approach Lucy, whose eyes light up when she sees them. "Hi! Atsushi's still getting his lunch and Jun is in the bathroom. You guys can sit down!"

Higuchi drops onto a seat with no hesitation. "I need to tell you about this conversation I overheard." She and Lucy begin talking to each other. Akutagawa doesn't bother listening, instead digging his backpack for his own lunchbox. Gin has begun a hobby of making bento boxes and Akutagawa's their guinea pig. He opens it to find rice balls with cat ears and rolls his eyes.

Someone approaches him from the back. He glances up and sees Atsushi setting down a tray. Atsushi looks into his lunchbox and snickers. "Wow. That's adorable, Akutagawa."

"It's from my sister," he snaps, feeling defensive. 

"That's not a bad thing! It's cute," Atsushi replies, a little less sarcastic this time. Akutagawa huffs. He looks at Atsushi's tray, which is piled with a lot of random food that probably don't go well together. It's like he closed his eyes and grabbed whatever was the closest. Also, there's not a single vegetable on his plate. Akutagawa's stomach turns and his taste buds squirm just thinking about digesting all that.

"You eat food like an animal," he says in disdain. "What even is that?" He points to something that looks like it’s been left in the open for three days. 

"Um, I don't know. I just took it because I didn't want to hog up the line," Atsushi admits.

Akutagawa wants to stab Atsushi's head with a fork. "You're such a pathetic fool it disgusts me." He grabs some of the cucumber slices Gin gave him—cut into little stars because they think it's cute—and dumps it on Atsushi's plate. "Eat your vegetables. No wonder you're so small and stupid."

"I'm an athlete!" Atsushi protests, but he picks up the cucumber stars and shoves them into his mouth. "Happy now?"

"Do not chew with your mouth full."

Akutagawa swears Atsushi chews louder just to spite him. He proceeds to choke slightly when Lucy kicks him under the table, telling him to stop being such a nuisance. Unbeknownst to himself, something akin to a laugh bubbles up his throat.

He forces it down and picks up a rice ball.

From that day on, their two groups sort of merged together. 

Akutagawa finds himself in the company of Atsushi and the others more often. They eat lunch together and hangout at Tanizaki’s house. He forms an uncanny sort of friendship with Tanizaki, starting when he finds out about his protectiveness over his sister. He supposes they’re quite similar in that aspect. 

Higuchi and Lucy like inviting him to the library too. He finds out that Lucy is utter dogshit at chemistry but incredible when it comes to physics. Akutagawa’s a bit of the opposite, so they spend time helping each other. 

And then there’s Atsushi. They don’t exchange many words, but he decides to tolerate his presence well enough. It’s mostly for the sake of Higuchi, who looks devastated when Akutagawa says he doesn’t want to hang out with Atsushi’s group. He does it so he doesn’t have to be on the receiving end of her atrocious puppy eyes. 

By the time their final exams came around, Akutagawa had almost forgotten about his and Atsushi’s animosity. Maybe it’s because he’s too busy studying his butt off in the library or at home, or maybe it’s the overexposure to his presence that numbed his irritation. Either way, their relationship became less hostile and more… civil?

And then one day, something more.

It’s almost midnight on a Thursday. Him, Atsushi, and Lucy are at a 24-hour café, pouring over their notes for their chemistry exam. Akutagawa doesn’t know how many more iced coffees he is allowed before he physically collapses. 

He doesn't even like coffee, but he's resorted to drinking it because he needs to stay awake somehow. Tachihara had suggested energy drinks, but Akutagawa hates those more, so he works with what he can stomach.

It’s relatively empty due to the time, and they had managed to snag a booth at the corner, isolating them from most of the other patrons. Lucy slams her notebook shut suddenly, letting out an exhausted sigh. “I’m done. I can’t take any more. You guys gonna leave soon?”

“When I’m done with this paper,” Akutagwa says, gesturing to the practice paper he has. He glances up at Atsushi, noticing the heavy bags under his eyes and the loose grip on his pen. He looks about ready to fall asleep. 

“You go ahead,” Atsushi mumbles. “I have a chapter left.”

“Eh? Okay. I’ll call someone to pick me up. It’s too late to walk home alone.”

“Okay,” Atsushi says, rubbing his eyes. “I think I need another coffee.”

“With what money?” Akutagawa snorts. Atsushi, despite his exhaustion, has the energy to glare at him for the comment. 

After a while, Lucy speaks up again. “Mkay. My friend, Mark, is gonna pick me up. See you guys tomorrow.” She waves, grabbing her bag and notebook. Akutagawa nods at her and Atsushi waves back. 

It’s just the two of them left. They’re sitting on opposite sides, so Akutagawa hastily looks back down at his paper to avoid looking directly at Atsushi. Because he’s an eyesore. Or something. 

“Do you know how to do this one?” Atsushi asks, pushing his paper over. Akutagawa spares it a glance. 

“B. It’s dehydration.”

“Oh. Right.”

“Do you want more coffee?” he asks. 

Atsushi slumps his head on the table. “Not even coffee can help me now.”

“You’re dramatic,” Akutagawa scoffs. “I’ll pay.”

Atsushi perks up significantly. “Then I want a caramel latte!”

“Fool. There’s barely any caffeine in that.”

“But there’s sugar. A sugar high will work the same.”

“You’re utterly ridiculous,” Akutagawa says, but grabs his wallet anyway. 

After ordering Atsushi’s new drink and a steaming cup of tea for himself, Akutagawa pauses to wonder why he’s even doing this. Money isn’t an issue for him, but it is unnatural for him to go out of his way like this for Atsushi. They’re not even friends. In fact, Tachihara would have to beg quite hard to get Akutagawa to pay for his ridiculous drinks. 

Those thoughts are blown out of his head when Akutagawa walks back to their booth, two cups in his hands, only to find Atsushi fast asleep.

His arms are tucked underneath his head, providing a cushion as he snoozes away. Akutagawa notices his pen on the floor and concludes that it must've slipped from Atsushi's grip when he fell asleep. He snorts a little at that.

"Oi. Wake up. I have your drink."

There's no response. If anything, Atsushi looks like he snuggled even deeper into his arms.

Akutagawa sighs. He glances at a wall clock, noticing that the clock hand just struck twelve. He supposes it is too late to get any more productivity in. And it's not like Akutagawa wants to continue studying either.

He knows that Atsushi's senior from the Student Council is supposed to pick him up. But Akutagawa doesn't have Dazai's number. He can't call him to come pick him up. And… Well, Atsushi looks really peaceful right now. It would be against the law to interrupt his sleep. Or something.

Akutagawa takes out his phone. He knows one person he could probably text to help.

  From: Akutagawa

hello. <

can you call dazai to come pick nakajima up. he fell asleep. <

Akutagawa shared a location!

From: Chuuya

> akutagawa it is midnight why are you still outside

> the dumbass is with me

> do you also need a ride?

From: Akutagawa

i was going to just walk home. <

From: Chuuya

> funny joke. no

> you think i will let you go home alone at midnight on a thursday???

> we'll be there in 15

Huh. Guess that settles it.

Akutagawa packs up his things and stuffs Atsushi's things in his bag too. He finishes his own cup of tea by the time Chuuya arrives, dragging a stumbling Dazai with him.

“Chuuya is so mean to me,” Dazai laments when Chuuya lets go of his arm. Akutagawa notices the nail indents in his skin and chooses not to ask. 

“Come on. I’ll carry Atsushi. Take his things, Dazai,” Chuuya sighs. 

Akutagawa watches Chuuya carefully manoeuvre Atsushi into his arms and lift him without breaking a sweat. He also notices Dazai’s heart eyes and thinks about throwing up. 

He passes Atsushi's bag and drink over to Dazai, and they leave the café together, ignoring the looks they're getting. Dazai's car is parked right outside. Akutagawa wasn't aware he could drive, actually. Chuuya always complained that he was a 'clumsy bastard'.

“Let him lie down. He looks exhausted,” Chuuya instructs Akutagawa. Akutagawa doesn’t get the chance to protest before Atsushi is being laid on his lap. He freezes. 

He glares at Chuuya, who ignores him and closes the door. Dazai is already in the driver’s seat, fiddling with his phone. When Chuuya joins him at the front, they’re off. 

Akutagawa thinks he’s never been stiffer in his life. It’s like that thing where you’re not allowed to move if a cat falls asleep on you. He looks down at Atsushi. He supposes he’s like a cat. 

Atsushi sleeps like he’s dead to the world, still and quiet. His bangs—still uneven and slanted after all this time—fall messily around his face. His lips are slightly parted and he breathes steadily. 

Seeing Atsushi look so relaxed in Akutagawa’s lap should be terrifying. They’re not friends, after all. This feels like a level of intimacy and trust that they should not be at, and yet, Akutagawa can’t tear his gaze away. 

It’s fascinating. He wonders if Atsushi would still be so comfortable if he knew it was Akutagawa he was lying against. He wonders if Atsushi will wake up and be disgusted at how close they were. He wonders if Atsushi even minds. 

I don’t mind, Akutagawa realises, and his hands clench into fists. Why don’t I?

“Akutagawa-kun,” Dazai calls, and Akutagawa’s eyes snap away. He feels his face redden at the prospect of being caught staring, and Dazai is sending him an amused look through the rearview mirror.

“What?” Akutagawa asks, though his voice is much softer than it would usually be. He doesn’t want to wake Atsushi up. 

“We’ll drop Atsushi-kun off first, alright? Odasaku will still be up. I’ve texted him already.”

“…Who’s Odasaku?”

“Hm? Atsushi’s guardian, duh.”

Akutagawa’s mind flashes to dark red hair and a sharp nose. He tries not to react visibly, but he knows he's failed when Dazai huffs out a laugh. “Oh.”

“He didn’t tell you?” Dazai asks. “You’ve met Odasaku, right?”

“I didn’t make the connection,” Akutagawa bites out. “How do you know him, then?”

“Ah. I work part-time at a bookstore he owns. Small world, right?” Dazai snickers. 

“More like you found out about Atsushi’s guardian and applied to work there on purpose,” Chuuya interjects with an eye roll. “You’re such a stalker.”

“Internet stalking is not illegal, I’ll have you know.”

“It’s still weird. Anyway, eyes on the road, dumbass.”

Dazai sticks his tongue out. Chuuya hits him in the shoulder. Dazai pouts and Chuuya smirks back. 

Akutagawa watches their interactions carefully. He’s known that they’ve been close since they were fifteen—despite Chuuya insisting that they weren't friends—plus everyone in school knew about the academic prodigy and the star athlete. Even now, when they’re both 20 and finally dating, they act the same way. They look at each other with the same fondness in their eyes, betraying their words of hatred and despise. 

It’s disgusting. Akutagawa’s a little envious. 

He wonders if he is capable of loving someone the way they love each other. If he could look at someone and see the world in their eyes, or have his body relax with just their presence, or be soothed by the sound of their laughter.

“We’re here!”

Akutagawa snaps out of his thoughts once more. He feels a little stupid. Maybe such a bright emotion isn’t for someone as prickly and snappish as him to embody. 

“Wake him up, Akutagawa. I’ll grab his things,” Chuuya says. Dazai is already out of the car and heading to the lobby. 

“Um.” Akutagawa looks down. Atsushi’s still fast asleep. “Hey. Oi.”

He shakes Atsushi lightly, not daring to touch anything other than his shoulder. Atsushi doesn’t stir, so Akutagawa shakes him harder. 

“Mm. No,” Atsushi mumbles, turning. 

“Nakajima.”

Atsushi’s eyes flutter open, revealing purple and gold pupils, and Akutagawa finds himself unable to move a single muscle. Recognition fills Atsushi’s eyes and his eyebrows crease adorably. “A-Akutagawa?” he rasps.

Akutagawa’s stomach does a funny little turn. Atsushi rubs his eyes and Akutagawa thinks his brain is faltering. It must be all the studying earlier. 

“We’re at your house,” he manages to say. 

“Hm?”

His voice is much lower than usual, and since they're the only ones in the car, it lands on Akutagawa's ears and Akutagawa's ears only. Atsushi looks around and seems to recognise Dazai’s car, for he doesn’t ask about his surroundings. Akutagawa remains silent, waiting for him to get up—

“Am I on your lap?”

The question sends heat rushing to Akutagawa’s cheeks. “No,” he blurts, even though he has zero reason to lie. “Your stupidly sweet concoction is with Chuuya-san. Get out of the car.”

Some clarity seems to return to Atsushi. He sits up and Akutagawa cannot help but notice how mussed up his hair is. He also can’t help but notice how pretty it looks at night, almost like moonlight. In fact, he'd go as far as to say Atsushi looks like he's made of moondust.

Halt. He should not think such preposterous things. They are untrue and fallacious and Akutagawa must not be in the right mindset—

“Oh. The drink,” Atsushi says with a sheepish smile. “Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Thank you.”

Atsushi leaves with a tiny wave, hopping out of the car. Akutagawa looks out the window and sees Dazai and Chuuya waiting for him. When the three disappear out of sight to head up to the apartment, Akutagawa buries his face in his hands. 

His heart is pounding. His stomach is doing that funny flip again and it only intensifies when he thinks of Atsushi’s little smile in the moonlight and—

Oh.

Akutagawa tells himself it was a one time thing. Possibly the lack of sleep getting to him, making his heart do weird somersaults and stuff. Perhaps it was even due to—

“Akutagawa.”

“What, Tachihara? I’m studying.”

“Bullshit. You’ve been staring at that page for the past five minutes. It’s not even in the syllabus.”

Akutagawa glares darkly. Tachihara is spinning a pen between his fingers, leaning back on his chair with a cocky smirk, like he knows he’s right. Which he’s not. Akutagawa thinks he should eat shit. 

“Fine. I’m taking a mental break, then.”

“Does burning holes into your paper with your eyes count as a mental break? That seems mentally-taxing, actually.”

“I have a lot on my mind,” Akutagawa mumbles. “Now shut up.”

Tachihara huffs. “Well I’m bored! Tanizaki isn’t here to entertain me with his adventures. Tell me what’s on your mind.”

“No.”

“Pleaseeeeee—”

“I think I’m sick,” Akutagawa blurts out. “It’s a bit hot.”

“…In the library?”

“Yes. Maybe I should go—”

He cuts himself off when he feels a tap on his shoulder. Akutagawa whips around with wild eyes, ready to stare daggers into the criminal, only to freeze when he sees a familiar pair of bi-coloured eyes. 

“Hi,” Atsushi greets. Akutagawa’s throat goes dry. “Am I interrupting?”

“Yes,” Akutagawa snaps, at the same time as Tachihara says, “Nope!”

Atsushi tilts his head in confusion. Tachihara jabs a finger in Akutagawa’s direction. “I’ve been bored to death but Akutagawa’s being a little bitch. He claims he’s sick!”

“Really? You’re always sick,” Atsushi snorts. Akutagawa tries to summon a scathing reply, but the words die out when Atsushi lifts his bangs to press his palm against his forehead. Blood rushes to his cheeks, even when he tries to will it away.

It’s just a hand, Akutagawa screams at himself. This is nothing.

But it isn’t nothing, with the way Atsushi frowns at him, scrutinising. The longer he’s pinned under that stare, the hotter his face feels. 

“Eh. I don’t think so. He looks a little red, but it might be because it’s cold,” Atsushi claims. He removes his hand and Akutagawa’s body has the audacity to mourn the loss of his gentle touch. 

“I’m right here,” Akutagawa mutters. Atsushi grins and it’s like making direct eye contact with a kitten. Akutagawa’s heart skips a beat. 

“Whatever. Gin-chan gave me this when we bumped into each other in the hallways, by the way.” Atsushi holds out a portable charger. “They told me you didn’t charge your phone last night when you got home.”

Akutagawa’s brain flashes to why he had forgotten to charge his phone (he got home and face-planted straight into his pillow) and he bites his own tongue in case he blurts out something embarrassing. He takes the charger with a nod, hoping it would convey his gratitude but also his disdain. 

“I’m gonna go now. I have practice,” Atsushi says. Tachihara raises an eyebrow. 

“Okay, Captain. When’s your next game, by the way?”

“Captain?” Akutagawa asks. “What?”

“Oh!” Atsushi rubs the back of his neck, looking shy. “I guess I never told you. I’m the captain of the volleyball team.”

Akutagawa doesn’t know what to do with this information. He’s never attended any of the school’s competitions, instead choosing to go home. He’s not very caught up in the sports sector, unless it’s cheer, and that’s solely because of Higuchi.

“Anyway, we’re competing against Angels High next Friday. It’s my final game,” Atsushi tells Tachihara, who beams. 

“Nice! Akutagawa, let’s go watch!”

“No.”

“You’re coming whether you like it or not. Atsushi’s playing! You have to support him.”

Atsushi smiles, but it looks more like a grimace. “I… I guess I’d like you all there. It’ll be nice.”

Atsushi’s gaze turns hopeful and he directs those ridiculously round eyes onto Akutagawa, looking much like Higuchi does when she wants something. Akutagawa wonders if it’s possible to be coerced by an innocent stare. He hopes his face isn’t as hot as he feels. 

“F-fine,” he chokes, mentally slapping himself for stumbling over his words. “Whatever. I don’t have anything else to do.”

Atsushi’s awkward little smile transforms into a more genuine grin. “Thanks! I’ll see you then!” Akutagawa’s brain short-circuits and all he can do is nod dumbly in reply. 

Atsushi leaves and Akutagawa crosses his arms, pointedly avoiding Tachihara’s stare. It’s silent for a few seconds before Tachihara gasps, and Akutagawa dreads whatever conclusion he managed to reach—

“I get it!” Tachihara cries, a little too loud. “You’re love sick!”

Akutagawa wants to sink in a hole. He grabs an eraser and throws it over with as much strength as he can muster. It hits Tachihara right at the centre of his forehead. 

Tachihara’s subsequent complaints get them both chased out of the library. Which doesn’t help, because now Tachihara has a new thing to pester him about, and he can do so as loud as he wants.

“Hey, so you’re gonna see Atsushi all rogue. I heard he’s earned a reputation because he’s a beast on the court. Oh! Is that why you didn’t want to go? You’d get too—”

Akutagawa kicks his shins.

The days go by fast and soon, it’s Atsushi’s final game. Akutagawa finds himself on the bleachers with the rest of his friends (minus Higuchi, who is with the cheer team), holding a bag of chips for Lucy. Gin sits beside him, deciding to accompany him when he had told them about this plan. 

“What position does Atsushi-san play?” Gin asks. Akutagawa shrugs. 

“Dunno.”

Before Akutagawa can ask someone, a deafening bang of a drum pierces through the air, and the crowd begins to cheer. Lucy squeals and slaps his arm, pointing aggressively to somewhere on the court. Leaning closer, Akutagawa realises that there are people running out, all in matching navy uniforms. The marching band begins playing and the announcer taps his mic. 

“Welcome everyone!”

The announcer begins listing the players along with their positions. His friends let out devastatingly loud screeches when the announcer gets to Atsushi, who wears the number four, and Gin giggles beside him. 

Looking out at the field, Akutagawa recognises Atsushi instantly. His shock of silver hair makes it easy to spot him. Atsushi glances at their direction and Tanizaki waves wildly. Even though he can’t hear it, Akutagawa sees him laugh and wave back. 

“And from Angels High, give them a drumroll please!”

The other players, donned in white uniforms so clean that Akutagawa wonders what detergent they use, walk out in a single file. They look menacing, shoulders held back and a fierce step to their walk. 

“They look twice our size,” Tachihara mutters. 

The cheer teams do their respective cheers—Akutagawa may or may not panic a little when he sees Higuchi being thrown so high up in the air. She performs her stunts perfectly and with a wide smile, and the team ends off their routine waving their blue pom poms around. 

After that, the players bow at each other from opposite ends of the court. They get into position, with Atsushi in front, Akutagawa notices. Once the referee blows the whistle, the game begins.

Truth to be told, Akutagawa isn't paying that much attention to the game itself. It's confusing, and people keep cheering at every catch of the ball, and Akutagawa isn't sure why the players keep swapping in and out. It's not his ideal night.

He instead chooses to keep his eyes on something familiar, and that something happens to be Atsushi. And before Tachihara says anything, it is not because he likes Atsushi. Nothing of the foolish sort. He's just confused and would rather look at things he recognises. It's not his fault that the only player he knows is Atsushi. That's just a ridiculous coincidence.

…It's also not his fault that Atsushi's grin can be seen from so far away, and Akutagawa can only imagine how feral he probably looks up close. It's also not his fault that Atsushi runs like the wind, the muscles in his legs rippling with every massive jump he takes. 

It's just something to look at, okay?! The crush has nothing to do with it. The crush doesn't even exist.

By the time the game ends, Akutagawa learns absolutely nothing new about volleyball, but he knows everything he needs to know about Atsushi on the court. He's going to have quite a few sleepless nights.

Their school managed to secure the win by just two points. The volleyball team collectively lift Atsushi into the air, chanting his name. He's truly the star of the show. Atsushi grins down at his teammates, pure happiness radiating from him. Even from the bleachers, Akutagawa can see his eyes shining. His mind flashes back to moonlit eyes staring at him, soft and open, and he hurriedly shakes the thought out of his head.

"Atsushi-san is so cool," Gin says, nudging him. "Look, he's waving."

"Huh?" 

Atsushi is indeed waving in their direction. Lucy and Tachihara are hollering and jumping, failing to notice. Tanizaki is talking to Naomi. Akutagawa and Gin are the only ones looking.

Akutagawa lifts a hand up and, as stiff as a rusting board, waves back, because it's only polite. Atsushi lights up even more, if that's possible, and Akutagawa pretends his heart isn't pounding at his chest.

They head to a nearby fast food restaurant to celebrate Atsushi’s win. Akutagawa has the pleasant (re: horrific) opportunity to sit next to him and watch as Atsushi wolfs down four hamburgers in one go. He barely takes fifteen minutes. 

Atsushi’s hair is still damp from the quick shower he took and he’s dressed in a dark blue hoodie, looking all soft and cuddly and so not good for Akutagawa’s already weak lungs. He can see Tachihara shooting looks at him and he concentrates on sipping at the milkshake that he doesn’t even like, just to avoid eye contact. 

Atsushi’s little sister is here too. Dazai had dropped her off at the restaurant when he heard. According to him, Odasaku wants them back by 11, so he’s sending them home too. 

Kyouka doesn’t say much, only speaking when someone speaks to her first. She’s seated on Atsushi’s other side, stealing fries off his plate and looking relatively content. 

“Hey,” Atsushi says after he's done with his food, “are we all going for senior prom?”

“Ooh, yes! I’m going dress shopping with my sister next week,” Higuchi says. 

“I’m going shopping with Naomi too,” Tanizaki says. “I don’t have a date, though. It would be fun to match with someone.”

“I’ll match with you,” Tachihara says, a little too quickly to be casual. Akutagawa shoots him a judgemental look and Tachihara glares back. Maybe they’re in a similar boat. 

“I’ve been sewing my own dress, actually,” Lucy pipes up. 

“That’s so cool! You have to show me first,” Atsushi insists, and Lucy nods with a laugh. “What about you, Akutagawa?”

Akutagawa stiffens at the direct question. In all honesty, the thought didn’t even cross his mind. “Uh. I wasn’t planning on going.”

The table grows silent and Akutagawa wants to die. Gin places a reassuring palm on his hand. Atsushi’s smile fades a little. “Oh. Um, why not?”

“I’m not interested. It sounds boring.”

“But all of us are going. And it wouldn’t be the same without you. You definitely have to come,” Atsushi insists. Akutagawa thinks he’s saying a load of bullshit, considering that they’re barely friends (his feelings don’t count) and have only been civil for, like, a semester. 

But he doesn’t say that, instead choosing to sigh and take another sip of his yucky concoction. “I’ll think about it.”

The conversation moves on to another topic (“Should I dye my hair for prom?”/“It’s already dyed, dumbass. I can see your roots.”/“Rude! The school doesn’t know that!”/“I assure you that they just don’t give a shit.”) and Akutagawa doesn’t speak up after that. 

He wonders if it really is worth showing up, like Atsushi’s claiming it is. He then realises it’s a stupid thought and he cannot believe he’s genuinely considering the fool’s request.

…Or maybe it is worthwhile, and Akutagawa’s just too stubborn to admit it because it was Atsushi that asked, and giving in feels like he’s losing some sort of battle with himself.  

He glances to the side, where Atsushi is animatedly tugging on his own hair and failing to convince everyone that the random tuft of black is real, and wonders just how far he’d actually go for him. 

The next morning, Akutagawa wakes up to someone throwing rocks at his window. 

He crawls out of bed with an irritated groan, knowing his hair looks more like a bird’s nest right now, and hopes that whoever decided to commit such a heinous crime this early in the morning is scared away by his glare. 

When he looks down, he sees Chuuya in a hoodie that’s definitely two sizes bigger than him. Akutagawa opens his window and musters up his voice, still rough from sleep, to say, “What the fuck.”

“Wake up, Akutagawa-kun! I’m taking you shopping!”

“For what?!”

“For prom, stupid! Dazai’s in the car!”

“Why is your boyfriend here too?!”

“I tried to shake him off. Chop chop. You have fifteen minutes.” Chuuya waves, then hops the fence like he’s done it a million times, which he has. Akutagawa slams his window shut and sighs. 

He knows he can just not leave, but convincing both Chuuya and Dazai out of a plan that they’re dead set on is a little difficult. Grumbling to himself, Akutagawa washes up and puts on a black sweater to show how extra miserable he feels. He leaves a note for Gin on the dining table, who’s still asleep, plus a blueberry muffin that was supposed to be his breakfast, and leaves the house. 

He spots Dazai’s car and is surprised to find Chuuya sitting at the back instead of the front. Akutagawa opens the door and climbs in with a weary sigh. Before he can ask why Chuuya isn't sitting with Dazai, Chuuya points an accusatory finger in Dazai’s direction. 

“He's being an idiot. Also, he let his damn cat sit in the front yesterday and it still smells like it. There’s cat fur too.”

“Baki does not smell, thank you, she’s actually very well-groomed,” Dazai sniffs. “And how do you know it’s not your hair, Chuuya?”

“My hair is not that short!”

“It’s ginger, though.” Dazai laughs and starts the car as Chuuya screeches indignantly. Akutagawa leans back in his seat, still blinking sleep out of his eyes. 

Dazai and Chuuya argue the whole drive, and Akutagawa wonders what he had gotten himself into. When they reach the mall, Chuuya all but shoves Akutagawa out of the car, insisting that they need to have a productive day. 

They forgo food because none of them are responsible enough for three squared meals, and head straight to a designer store. Akutagawa wants to protest, but Dazai whispers over that Chuuya is rich and that he should take advantage of his kindness. Chuuya overhears and steps on Dazai’s foot. 

The lady at the store greets them warmly. While Akutagawa has his measurements taken, Chuuya not-so-subtly leans into Dazai and asks Akutagawa, “I can't believe you're graduating so soon. Are you excited?”

“Look at his face. That’s the pinnacle of excitement,” Dazai quips. Akutagawa thinks his eye twitched. 

"No."

“Aw, don’t say that. It’ll be fun! We had lots of fun at ours.”

“We broke a window!” Dazai says. “Then Chuuya won Prom King because everyone wants a piece of him. Aren't I so lucky?”

“Eww.” Chuuya fake gags. 

“What? I can’t say my boyfriend’s hot?”

“No. Whatever. This isn’t about us.” Chuuya turns to Akutagawa again. “By the way, are you going with Atsushi-kun?”

“Huh?” 

“You know, as a date.”

Akutagawa feels wide awake now. Chuuya’s being genuine, but Akutagawa sees Dazai’s smug grin and knows that he has something to do with this. Somehow, in some way, this is his meddling. 

“We’re not dating,” Akutagawa answers slowly. Chuuya frowns. “We’re going to go as a group. With Higuchi and the rest.”

“Eh? But…” 

Dazai bursts into giggles and Akutagawa sees the exact moment that realisation sets in Chuuya's eyes. If possible, a puff of steam would flow out of Chuuya’s ears. He glares harshly at the still-laughing man and in record time, smacks Dazai so hard he falls onto the ground. 

“Bastard! You told me they were going together! You said Atsushi-kun told you!”

Dazai’s giggles turn a little maniacal. “And Chuuya believed me! How silly.”

Before Akutagawa can say anything else, the lady taking his measurements clicks her tongue. "All done. Let's go pick out the fabric and colour next, then."

Chuuya lights up, seemingly forgetting about his previous irritation. "Oh, this is the fun part! Let's go, and let's leave this bastard behind."

"W-wait," Akutagawa says as Chuuya grabs him by the wrist to follow the salesperson. "Is this custom-made?"

"Yeah, duh. A ready-made suit is boring. Plus, it needs to fit you like a glove!"

"But…"

"Chuuya's rich," Dazai interjects, finally picking himself up from the floor and catching up to them. "He would cry if you didn't let him pamper you with a gift for graduation."

Chuuya shrugs innocently. Akutagawa feels like he has gotten himself into a long, tedious process.

They go through fabrics with names Akutagawa's never heard of, so he lets Chuuya do the picking. He trusts Chuuya's judgement, plus he constantly asks for Akutagawa's approval, so there isn't much to worry about. They end up with lightweight worsted wool in an inky black colour. It's plain and unpatterned, but the material makes it look luxurious anyway. They also pick out gold buttons for accents and a simple black string tie.

They settle a bunch of other details, like when Akutagawa can come for his first fitting and the payment. Chuuya says that he'll bring Akutagawa again, and then Dazai covers Akutagawa's eyes while Chuuya is paying. When they finally leave the shop, Akutagawa feels thoroughly exhausted.

"I am starving," says Dazai. "Let's get lunch."

And so they do.

The final week of school is practically useless in Akutagawa’s opinion, but he still has to come or his attendance will suffer. There’s nothing left to teach anymore, plus all the post-examination activities are way too boring. He doesn’t participate in any of them, but Lucy and Tachihara are especially enthusiastic, so he watches them play instead.

On Friday, there’s a book fair that Akutagawa makes a beeline towards. He’s surprised to find Naomi manning the store. Her eyes shine when she sees him and she not-so-discreetly points Akutagawa to the books that Gin has on their wishlist. Bemused, Akutagawa thanks her and buys a few. 

With the books kept safely in his bag, he nods goodbye and leaves. He searches the crowd for his friends (not one, not two, but three redheads really should not be that hard to find) but there’s just too many people. Akutagawa frowns when someone bumps into him for the fifth time and decides that he should go get some fresh air first. 

He heads to the courtyard and finds a bench under a huge, shady tree. He puts his bag down, realising that he might have bought too many books, for his shoulder aches. Reaching up towards it, he massages it half-heartedly with one hand, attempting to soothe it.

The courtyard isn't as packed, so it gives him a bit of space to relax. He closes his eyes and breathes deeply, the familiar itch in his lungs tingling again, but he doesn’t cough.

“Oh, there you are!”

He cracks his eyes open and sees Atsushi hovering over him. Atsushi takes the eye contact as an invitation to sit next to him. Akutagawa supposes he can’t complain, but he does grumble a little bit. 

“Wow. That’s a lot of books. All for you?”

“Some for Gin,” Akutagawa says. “I wouldn’t expect you to get it. You’re illiterate.”

Atsushi pouts, but doesn’t say anything else. They sit in silence, enjoying the cool spot under the tree. Akutagawa wonders if he could doze off here.

“…Are we friends, Akutagawa?”

The ridiculous question breaks the peace he was feeling. Akutagawa spares Atsushi a glance, and he notices that Atsushi’s fingers are clenched tightly around one another in a manner that cannot be comfortable. Atsushi isn’t looking at him either, eyes trained on the ground.

“Does it matter?” Akutagawa asks in lieu of an answer. “That's up to you. I’ve not been the nicest to you.”

Atsushi frowns. “That’s not fair. I was just as bad. Do you think we’re friends?”

Akutagawa (curse his rotten mind) immediately pictures that night in the car and wants to run away. Or throw up. Or cough his own lungs out so that he doesn’t have to answer. He’s not an expert on this whole friendship thing, but he’s pretty sure friends do not think about the other’s eyes in the moonlight and struggle to fall asleep at night. 

“I still don’t like you,” Akutagawa says, and Atsushi’s face falls. 

“I thought we were past that.”

“I don’t mean it in the way I hated you in first year,” Akutagawa clarifies. “But… there are things that still bother me.”

“Am I so bothersome?”

“Yes.” 

Atsushi huffs, looking away. Somehow it feels worse than him looking at the floor. “Gee, sorry then. I thought we were friends. I know you think I'm not worth your time, and I get that, but—”

“It’s that,” Akutagawa interrupts. “That ridiculous thing you do. You act like you’re not worth anything when you have everything someone can ask for. I can’t bear it.”

“Huh?” Atsushi turns his head back, boring holes into Akutagawa’s skull. Akutagawa doesn’t make eye contact, choosing to talk straight ahead. He doesn’t think he can look at Atsushi’s pitiful face and say all this. 

“You’re a fool. People love you, both students and teachers. You’re a star athlete and in the Student Council. You’re charming and endlessly kind to people who don’t deserve it.” The words ‘ people like me’ go unsaid. “And yet here you are, drowning in this… this ludicrous pool of self-doubt that’s completely unwarranted. You have a perfect life and you don’t appreciate it one bit.”

“…You’re making a lot of assumptions about me,” Atsushi whispers. “Who are you to say I’ve got a perfect life?”

And Akutagawa thinks of the way Atsushi lights up the room he walks in, people like Tachihara and Higuchi who clearly adore him, people like Chuuya even, who sometimes mention Atsushi with a small smile. And he's close with his club team, and he’s talented and fit and so unlike Akutagawa in every sense—

“You’ve got everything I don’t,” Akutagawa snaps. He sounds petulant and childish but that’s the only way to put it. 

“So you’re jealous.”

“No.”

“I’m not perfect, Akutagawa,” Atsushi mutters. “You don’t know me that well if that’s what you think.”

Akutagawa crosses his arms. The action doesn’t soothe him in the slightest. 

Atsushi points to a part of his body, just slightly below his ribcage, where his jacket covers. “I have burn scars here. From when I was in an orphanage, and the director hit me with a scalding iron.”

Akutagawa says nothing. He had inferred that Atsushi’s an orphan, just like him and Gin. But he barely remembers anything from his own orphanage, unlike Atsushi, who speaks as if the memories are fresh. 

“And here,” he gestures to his foot, “is where I was nailed to the floor. For having a sweet on me.”

Atsushi points to his bangs next, fingers brushing the strands. “These are less choppy now thanks to Lucy, but they’re the way they are because some kids cut them. They cornered me so I couldn’t escape and laughed when I cried.”

Atsushi's voice stutters. “I still see him sometimes. In class, he’d stand in the corner, staring me down. I drop something as small as a pen and I freeze because I hear his voice in my head. He appears in my dreams and calls me worthless scum. I’ve woken Oda-san up too often because I shout in my sleep.”

“Why are you telling me this? So I should learn to pity you?” Akutagawa asks. 

“Of course not. I’m telling you I know I’m fortunate with my life right now, and I’ll always be grateful for what I have. But I’m not as perfect as you think I am. I’m still scared of the dark and small places and I’m selfish. And I always wish I was as confident as you.”

Akutagawa must make a weird expression, for Atsushi sighs deeply. “You know. You walk with presence. You don’t apologise for things that aren’t your fault. You speak clearly and you don’t stutter when you’re nervous. Your sister looks up to you and you protect her well, plus you’re one of the smartest in our grade! You’re pretty cool, even though you’re a jerk. And you’re tall and handsome.”

Akutagawa chooses to ignore the last sentence because he does not want to be caught flustered over Nakajima Atsushi’s words of all things. He instead uncrosses his arms and closes his eyes. “So you hate yourself while actively trying to prove… What exactly? That you’re worthy of living?”

Atsushi falters at the question. “He— he gets quiet when I do something good for others. He doesn’t say I’m useless when I actively try to help.”

Akutagawa scoffs. “You’re still a fool, if that’s why you live. The words of your past shouldn’t define you as a person now.”

“And why not? They shaped who I am.”

“But they aren’t who you are. If you let him torture you forever, you’ll never find yourself outside of him.”

“…Sometimes I wish I could kill him with my bare hands. I think I’d be a little more at peace,” Atsushi admits. He sounds terribly guilty for saying something that Akutagawa wholeheartedly agrees with. 

“Don’t sound so put off about it. I’d think the same. Yet you can’t, because it’s nonsensical, and you’d have to live with the blood stained on your hands forever." He glances over, stunned to find Atsushi staring at him like he's in awe. "But there’s strength in being able to move on without closure. I think you have that.”

“Oh.” Atsushi’s fingers finally unclench. He huffs. It sounds like a meek laugh. “You know, Akutagawa, I think we’re pretty similar in some aspects.”

Akutagawa wrinkles his nose. “Don’t compare me to you, fool.” 

“Yeah, whatever.” Atsushi’s smile grows and he falls back into that dumb loser Akutagawa’s more familiar with. “And for the record, you don’t need to be jealous. I like you just the way you are now.”

“Hm.” They don’t exchange any words after that, but Akutagawa feels his body relax as Atsushi shifts a little closer. 

A gentle, cool breeze rustles the trees. Akutagawa watches two leaves fall in sync and a content smile grows on his face.

Akutagawa is sent to prom by Chuuya, who once again insisted, saying that a good ride is integral to his enjoyment for the rest of the night or whatever.

Akutagawa is in the suit that he picked up a few days ago. He has to admit, it fits him like a glove, loose enough to be comfortable but tight enough to look smart. He fiddles with the ribbon around his neck as he gets out of the car, waving at Chuuya with a muttered thank you. 

He isn’t sure what he expected going in, but it wasn’t this. Akutagawa is greeted by his school hall, except it’s gone through a complete 180 that it’s almost unrecognisable. 

Light blue banners adorn the ceilings, shimmering under the dim lights. A massive buffet table is displayed in the middle, filled to the brim with food, surrounded by people in fancy clothing. There’s a DJ station up on stage, being manned by—

“Fucking rock that shit, Twain!” Lucy hollers, her hands cupping her lips. 

The redhead DJ laughs, sending her finger guns before switching to a different song. 

Lucy turns just at that moment and her eyes light up when sees Akutagawa. He recalls then that her outfit was handsewn, and when he takes a proper look, he finds himself stunned. 

Her dress is cream-coloured, layers upon layers of fabric that give it a bit of a poof. Akutagawa doesn’t know the exact terminology, but he notices a lot of lace and beads sewn onto it, making it look like a doll’s dress. 

“Akutagawa!” Lucy greets. “I have been dying for more company. The only other person I know here is Tachihara.”

“Oh,” he says. “Where is he?”

“Chocolate fondue.”

“There’s a chocolate fondue?!”  

They both turn their heads at the new voice. Behind them, Higuchi practically floats in, her pink and blue dress looking like cotton candy clouds. It’s paired with a corset with gold accents, and Lucy squeals in excitement. 

As they talk about their outfits and taking pictures at the prime spot—Lucy suggests sneaking to the school rooftop, to which Higuchi protests, to which Lucy claims that they can't give detention anyway—Tachihara saunters over, Tanizaki by his side. They are in fact matching, both of them wearing a forest green tie.

"Hey!" Tachihara greets, holding up a comically large plate of chocolate-covered strawberries and bananas. "You all sure dressed up nice."

"I see you fixed your hair," Higuchi teases, gesturing to Tachihara's hair, which has been slicked back for the occasion. 

He huffs. "My brother did it for me."

"I can't wait to try all the food," Lucy says, already done with three strawberries. She looks towards the entrance, a slight frown on her face. "Atsushi didn't say he was going to be late."

As if summoning him, someone rushes into the hall, his chest visibly heaving. Atsushi's eyes do a scan of the place, landing on Akutagawa's own watchful gaze.

Akutagawa would like to say it's an elegant entrance, but nothing is going to salvage this. Atsushi lifts his hand in a big wave, accidentally smacking his arm into someone else trying to enter. He bows frantically in apology, which messes up his somewhat-neater hairstyle, and when he straightens back up, his tie is wonky.

Akutagawa cannot believe his own taste. Not that he'll admit anything about the matter.

When Atsushi finally reaches them, he pulls off one of his white gloves, wiping at his forehead. He's dressed in a grey three-piece suit, sleeves rolled up to his elbows. It's a slightly more casual look than the rest of them, but it complements Atsushi's personality well. 

Atsushi bursts into a hasty explanation about his fiasco getting here—apparently, his ride busted a tire halfway, and he had to walk the rest of the way to school. Tanizaki pats his shoulder in sympathy, directing him to where the drinks are in hopes of cooling down, and Akutagawa watches him go.

"That's the guy you like?" Tachihara asks as he leans over. Akutagawa jabs him in the ribcage. "Ow!"

Just then, Twain clears his throat into the mic. "Good evening, friends!"

The crowd cheers. Akutagawa looks to Lucy for an explanation, and she shrugs. "He's the host too, I think. He didn't really tell me the details."

"I'm not your host," Twain says immediately, and Lucy's cheeks puff. "Your real host is still in the bathroom taking a massive dump, so I'm here to entertain y'all while we wait." He grins, running a hand through his hair. 

Akutagawa shares a side-eye with Higuchi, who looks like she's about to burst out laughing.

Before Twain can continue, someone else rushes out from behind the curtains. He's blond and dressed in a simple white button-down with black suspenders and trousers. He snatches the mic from Twain, giving him a playful nudge.

"Sorry I'm late!" he greets. "I'm John Steinbeck, your host for today, and for the record, I was not taking a dump."

"The hell were you doing, then?" Twain laughs.

Steinbeck stares at him with an unnerving, unwavering smile. "Wouldn't you like to know, weather boy?"

"What did you just say to me—"

"Anyway!" Steinbeck clears his throat, an innocent smile on his face. "So, we've got a vague timeline for the night, but it's mostly gonna be all vibes, 'kay? We're gonna have a DJ session at one point when the food is cleared, and we'll be bringing out the dance floor! Then we're gonna have a few surprise performances, and then dessert, and then Prom King and Queen reveal— oh, voting is at the corner over there, on the left. But all in all, have fun, party, kiss a few people so you won't regret wasting the night—" He's cut off by Twain hitting the back of his head.

"Don't do anything you will regret!" Twain yells. "Or do. We can't stop you. Anyway, DJ Twain is back in the house!" He pushes Steinbeck away, regaining control over the mic and his station. A popular pop song that Akutagawa vaguely recognises begins to play, and the lights begin flashing between blue and purple.

"Oh!" Lucy smiles. "That's probably my friend, Louisa. Lighting stuff."

"How do you have so many friends?" Higuchi mumbles. 

The night falls more into the groove as time passes. Akutagawa spends most of it trying out the different food selection with Higuchi and Tachihara. At one point, Lucy drags them to a temporary photo booth at the side. They have to queue for quite a bit, but there are dozens of props available for them, and the backdrop is made of shimmering gold streamers.

Akutagawa looks at his hands in confusion when Atsushi shoves a pair of wonky star-shaped sunglasses in them. "I'm not wearing these."

"Come on!" Atsushi huffs, holding up his own sunglasses. It's triangle-shaped, the edges sharp enough to cut, probably. "It'll be fun."

"No."

"It's just one picture!"

"Yeah," Tachihara adds on. He's wearing a fake moustache. It looks hideous. 

Lucy, Higuchi, and Tanizaki, at least have the brain cells to choose something cute, each of them holding a tiara of differing colours. Akutagawa is shoved towards the backdrop before he can protest any longer, squished between Atsushi and Tachihara.

He bends his knees slightly, having the terrible opportunity of being in the front row. The photographer does a quick countdown, and he barely has time to think before a blinding flash is going off. The photographer then directs them to a table further back where their photos will be printed.

When the photos come out, Akutagawa decides that it is the worst photo he's taken in his life.

"Akutagawa," Atsushi laughs, "you're frowning like you just killed someone!"

"Tachihara, you blinked!" Lucy complains.

"The light was too bright! It's not my fault!"

"Oh, my tiara is wonky," Tanizaki sighs, sounding the most disappointed out of all of them.

"You still rocked it," Higuchi assures.

Yeah. Worst photo of his life. Akutagawa tucks it safely into his jacket pocket.

The night goes on. They take their own individual and duo pictures—Lucy and Tachihara took the longest, both of them doing a never-ending series of poses that Tanizaki has to force them aside so the rest of them can have a turn. They get Twain to help them with a group photo, and he's dedicated, getting into all sorts of positions on the floor so he can achieve the best angles or whatever. 

As assured, the buffet table is cleared, replaced by a large, empty space. The lights change colours, fading into a soft pink, and Steinbeck taps the mic to get their attention.

"I'm sure we're all full from the food," he begins, pointing at Twain, who has expertly made the previous song fade out, subtly enough that none of them really noticed, "so it's time to chill out for a bit. Lovebirds, this one's for you. Make sure you eat a mint before you kiss on the dance floor!"

He blows a kiss over to Twain, who pretends to catch it and shove it into his station, and a classic love song begins to play.

Akutagawa grimaces. This is the part he was looking forward to the least. He'll have to stand to the side awkwardly while everyone dances, and as he watches the couples fill the dance floor, he suddenly needs a desperate breath of fresh air. 

Looking around, Akutagawa is surprised to find Tachihara dragging Tanizaki to the dance floor. For a brief moment, he thinks of joining them with someone of his own, then he immediately feels so sick that he has to force his eyes away.

In the end, Akutagawa chooses to slip away without telling anyone. He won't be long, anyway.

He walks out of the hall, where the corridors are empty. Akutagawa makes his way down the corridor until he meets a flight of stairs. He knows going up will lead him to the rooftop, but he's never actually been there. Though, he recalls Lucy's suggestion and decides that it wouldn't be so bad.

Like she said, what are they going to do, give him detention?

Akutagawa climbs up the stairs, keeping his footsteps as light as possible so he doesn't attract any attention. When he reaches the top, he pushes open the metal doors, wincing at the loud creak that comes with the movement. He steps out and onto the rooftop, and instantly, he's met with a strong gust of wind that has him shivering.

In all his three years of high school, Akutagawa hasn't explored what his school has to offer to its full potential. Right now, as he walks closer to the edge of the rooftop and stares over the expanse, he kind of wishes he did.

Ah, not like there's any use in regrets now. Akutagawa doesn't have a particularly strong attachment to this school the way some of his friends do. His memories are confined to his small group, and only a few places like the classrooms and the cafeteria hold any sentiment.

He's never spent any time here. So it doesn't make sense for him to feel this light, gentle sense of yearning in the pit of his stomach, as if mourning for something he never had. 

A sudden metallic bang rips through the air, forcing Akutagawa out of his thoughts. He flinches, whipping around, but his hostility fades when he sees who it is.

Atsushi stumbles up the stairs, one hand still holding a cup of fruit punch. His eyes widen when they meet Akutagawa's and he lets out an exhausted sigh. "There you are! You disappeared into thin air, we thought you got kidnapped!"

Akutagawa turns his nose up. "You're dramatic."

"Me?" Atsushi scoffs as he comes closer. "You're the one who ran off like a lone wolf, brooding to the night sky."

"I was not brooding."

"Sure." He laughs, and it's a delightful, airy sound. Akutagawa thinks it's grating his ears. "Is everything okay?"

Atsushi comes to a stop beside him, peering over the edge. He must find it uninteresting, for he looks up, taking a sip of his drink while waiting for Akutagawa to reply. 

"Nothing's wrong." He looks down at Atsushi's clothes, wrinkling at the small stain on his shirt. At least it's grey. 

"Mhm, and the grass is blue."

"I don't like your tone."

Atsushi grins as if they're sharing a particularly funny inside joke. He looks to the plain and unassuming ground. After a bit of contemplation, he sits down, crossing his legs. Akutagawa wrinkles his nose.

"That's dirty."

"My pants are black."

"That does not refute my point at all."

Atsushi laughs again. "I know. I didn't say I was going to listen to you."

Akutagawa finds, once again, that he does not understand Atsushi at all. Yet, he also finds that he doesn't understand himself, for he is bending down, sitting next to Atsushi with a quiet grumble. 

If anyone asks, it's because his pants are also black.

Atsushi swirls the drink in his hands, staring out into space. Akutagawa doesn't want to wax poetic about him, but it's a bit difficult when Atsushi looks like that, like poetry itself.

Poetry is a lot of things. Undefinable, most people would say, or unique in every sense. Some forms are standardised, with a set of rules to follow, while others are focused on breaking out of those constraints, giving a freeing message. 

To Akutagawa, Atsushi isn't either one of those things. He's not a standard, textbook-model  student, nor does he try to stray away from any of the norms. He's just so, in Akutagawa's only way to describe it, average.

And yet. And yet.

Akutagawa cannot understand himself for falling for the most unassuming boy in the world. Because there is something about Atsushi that makes him stand out, but there's nothing Akutagawa can place his finger on.

Atsushi is like poetry because he's, at his deepest level, raw. Nothing special or flashy about him, but that's exactly what makes him so captivating. He's the kind of poetry that's simplistic, boring, even, yet he has that one line or stanza that strikes at the very heart. And it's that that Akutagawa is drawn in by.

There's something about Atsushi's ability to just be.  

"You know," Atsushi says. His voice is softer than usual, not that it's particularly loud on the norm. "I'm glad it turned out this way."

Akutagawa hums. He doesn't feel like saying anything else.

Atsushi scoffs, though if Akutagawa's ears aren't deceiving him, it sounds more fond than anything. "Fine, let me rephrase. I'm gonna miss this."

There it is—that high school sentiment that Akutagawa fears he won't ever understand. Perhaps he's just unfeeling. 

(If so, then why does he feel like his heart wants to devour him and Atsushi whole, as if to keep them locked inside of himself forever, away from the world, only for himself to have?)

"I've tried not to think too much about it, but we're all going to go our separate ways, aren't we? I don't know about you guys, but Lucy says she wants to go to college back in Canada. Jun is still deciding, but he has his eyes on a college in Tokyo. That's far."

Akutagawa casts a glance at Atsushi. He's staring into his cup. It's empty. 

"And you?" he asks.

Atsushi jumps. "Oh, um… I don't know. I haven't thought about it yet."

It's no surprise. Akutagawa hasn't bothered thinking about it either. He'll decide when the exam results are out. 

"It just won't be the same, I guess." Atsushi huffs. "Sometimes, I feel so small."

"You are. You're short."

"Is this really the time?!" He swats at Akutagawa's shoulder, who dodges it with a concealed smirk. "Man, I bet you've got your life all figured out, Mr. High-and-Mighty."

"I do not," Akutagawa replies. Something bitter settles into his stomach. "I don't really care. I'll just go where life takes me."

"Really?"

"It's all the same to me." For some reason, saying that out loud makes him hesitate. He's pretty firm on this stance, but under Atsushi's attentive gaze, he feels like it's wavering, crumbling down slowly like an eroding cliffside. 

"Ah, I see." And for some reason, Atsushi doesn't sound too surprised. He just sounds resigned. "If it matters, I think I'll miss you too."

"You think?"

"It's hard to admit it to the guy who doesn't care either way!" Atsushi whines. 

He seems like he's just being playful, but his words stab through Akutagawa's chest. Briefly, a sense of guilt washes over him, but it empties itself out as fast as it came. It's how it's always been with him—he feels, and then he stops. Akutagawa doesn't know why he's wired like this, and he cannot even bring himself to care enough to figure out why.

Perhaps that is why he gets the urge to devour Atsushi whole.

Akutagawa has a famished beast held deep within him, hidden beneath layers of skin and bone, ingrained into his very cells. The beast ravishes any strong wave of emotion that Akutagawa feels. It's like a battle, an ever-hungry black hole versus an overwhelming beam of light. 

Somehow, Akutagawa's feelings for Atsushi seem to last against this beast. Somehow, this feeling persists against it all, settling over his skin like a cold blanket. His skin prickles under its assault with no way to escape it.

The beast tries its best, but for once, it might be the one being devoured instead.

Akutagawa's throat feels raw when he tries to find his voice. "I do care."

Just like that, Atsushi freezes. Akutagawa can see him through his peripheral vision, the way his fingers grip onto the plastic cup until it is crushed, the slow turn of his head, the slight part of his lips. "...What?"

"Are you deaf?" Akutagawa snaps. His cheeks are beginning to heat up and he turns away before Atsushi can catch it.

"I… I didn't want to make you feel obligated to say that."

Akutagawa's eye twitches. He turns back, facing him with a steely gaze. "Atsushi." 

Atsushi yelps. "Y-yes?"

"Do you really think that you of all people can make me say something I don't mean?"

It's silent for a few seconds as Akutagawa's words sink in. Then, Atsushi groans, glaring at him, though there's no heat behind it. "Ugh, you're such an asshole! You can just say that you were being genuine, you know!"

Akutagawa sniffles, rolling his eyes. Atsushi shifts his position, drawing his knees up to his chest as he sets the crushed-up cup down. He rests his cheek on one of his knees, facing away from Akutagawa. "I kind of wish we became friends earlier."

"Why?"

"Geez. Never mind. You're so difficult." Atsushi huffs, his voice tapering off at the end.

Akutagawa doesn't know what to say to that. His stomach twists uncomfortably as silence overtakes them. It's odd, because silence has always been his best companion, but this time, it just feels suffocating. 

"Perhaps," he begins softly. The words scratch its way out of his throat, leaving behind claw marks, tinging his voice with blood. As if he was presenting a bleeding heart. "If we had more time, I might have…"

He doesn't know what he's trying to say. If Akutagawa's feelings had festered for longer, what would he have become? Would it have devoured him, leaving him as a hollow, walking shell, or would the beast have won, proving himself once again incapable of letting anything sink in?

What would he have done differently?

To his surprise, or maybe not at all—Atsushi seems to understand. His responding laugh sounds choked up with regret.

"Do you regret it?" he asks. 

"You cannot regret what you didn't lose," is all Akutagawa says. "Like how you cannot mourn what you never had."

A hypocrite, he knows.

Atsushi purses his lips as he looks at him, his eyes shining with an emotion Akutagawa doesn't understand. "...I see."

He chooses this time to stand up, groaning as his knees crack slightly. Atsushi raises his arms, stretching, and then he's holding a hand out to Akutagawa, making a silent request.

Akutagawa finds himself drawn in. He takes his hand.

When Atsushi pulls him up, he spills out another request at the same time. "Dance with me."

Akutagawa's immediate reaction is to blanch, shaking his head. "Absolutely not."

"Come on," Atsushi laughs. "We might as well, since we ran away from the rest."

Ah, right. Akutagawa had completely forgotten about that. Still, he frowns, but he doesn't let go of Atsushi's hand—doesn't want to, and Atsushi grins.

Just like that, Atsushi tugs him forward. Akutagawa stumbles, his body as stiff as a board, and Atsushi's movements are clumsy, but they dance. 

In the midst of words unspoken and feelings undefined, Akutagawa and Atsushi dance under the empty night sky, filling it up with stars of their own. 

On the meaningless rooftop that Akutagawa never cared about, he forms an unforgettable memory.

They don't return to the party. 

They can hear, vaguely, the sound of Steinbeck's voice announcing the Prom King and Queen. Neither of those names are familiar to Akutagawa, so he doesn't care.

Instead, he's laying on the rooftop, fingers an inch away from Atsushi's own, staring at nothing in particular. If anyone asks, their suits are black.

"Hey," Atsushi whispers, like he's about to share a secret, one only meant for their ears. "I think I get it."

Akutagawa sighs, weary and deep. "Get what?"

"About not mourning what you never had." Atsushi takes a deep breath. "Not that I don't think it's possible, but I see now that there's no point."

Akutagawa frowns. "...Okay?"

"Instead, I'm gonna focus on the brighter side. I'm not going to think about what I could have had. I think it's better to appreciate what I do have. So…" He tilts his head to the side, meeting Akutagawa's curious gaze head-on. "I'm glad we're friends, Akutagawa!"

Akutagawa feels like his throat is closing up on its own. He cannot find the words to respond, not even if he tries to dig it out of himself.

Atsushi's cheeks are dusted pink and his eyes seem to twinkle like the stars do, and in this moment, raw and unfiltered, he is unbelievably beautiful.

Once again, Akutagawa truly does not understand Nakajima Atsushi.

(Except he does. It surprises him more than anyone else.)

"...What we have right now," Akutagawa begins, and it's like fighting not to drown in an ocean during a thunderstorm, speaking these thoughts. "Friendship, as you call it. What do you mean by 'what we could have had'?"

Atsushi stares. The longer he does, the more Akutagawa feels scrutinised, stripped naked with his soul laid bare. For Atsushi to wreck, to consume until there's nothing left.

"You brought it up earlier," Atsushi says in lieu of a direct reply. "I think you know."

And Akutagawa does, he truly does, but that doesn't make it any easier to digest. His fingers curl into fists and his heart pounds in his chest, and the beast inside of him screams to be let out, to destroy any bit of sentiment left in his body. 

Akutagawa's ribcage feels like it's collapsing in on itself as it fights to contain the beast. Like clawing his way out of a whirlpool, as if he was Sisyphus on his never-ending hill, Akutagawa struggles to accept what he means. 

Still, he must. If not for himself, then for Atsushi, whose eyes are shining with such an immense amount of hope that Akutagawa cannot bear to snuff it out.

"We still could have it," he forces out. It's all he can say.

Luckily, that's all Atsushi needs to hear to understand. "I'd like that."

When their fingers intertwine together, it feels like their hearts merged into one. 

The beast roars. Somehow, Atsushi tames it.

Somehow, Akutagawa doesn't mind.

Three years ago, Akutagawa swore to himself that he would never, ever, hold even an ounce of a positive feeling to Atsushi if he could help it.

Now, Akutagawa finds himself standing outside of Atsushi's apartment, with a bouquet of flowers in his hand and not a single regret in the world. 

When Atsushi comes down, his smile is so bright it threatens to set something on fire.

Akutagawa finds that if he did, he'd gladly burn up in those flames, as long as he can have this to keep.