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My life goes on. This is what they tell me every time they come to my house. I'm tired of the same thing all the time. Losing Piers was the worst thing that ever happened to me. I still believe that everything is the same, nothing has changed but I'm only lying to myself. One day I woke up hoping that maybe, just this once, I could stop feeling this great void in me. But it was no more than another failed attempt. I've hit rock bottom Piers; my soul without you is nothing. I no longer want to live; all my hopes and dreams have faded along with you. My desire to fight is not the same if you're not fighting with me too. My partner, my friend, my lover, my love. You were my everything. I thought all this time I was protecting you but I wasn't; you always took care of me. I regret not realising it before. I know it's too late now; and to say the words "I'm sorry" or "I love you" will serve nothing.
The time I spent with you was the most valuable and lasting that I had. I loved every second, every minute, spent with you by your side. The only thing I regret is not telling you that I loved you, and that I still love you. I don't have to tell you that it's killing me inside; the pain is excruciating. But I guess I deserve it; it's my fault that you're no longer here with me. I long to return, to be by your side again. To hold you in my arms again and this time never let go. I would say again and again how much I love you. That I always have and that I always will . . .
This evening I decided to walk down a road full of trees. The ground there was painted orange by the autumn leaves that fell like rain. I remembered the time that we were on the same road; talking about having a vacation for the first time together. I refused, because I always put work before my personal life. If I had said yes to having that vacation together, maybe you would still be alive. You said you wanted to go to a frozen forest which made me laugh; because you were always very sensitive to the cold, always bringing a scarf to wear. I loved that about you; you and your millions of different scarves.
Now I'm looking for you. I find myself standing in a majestic white paradise full of large trees like the ones you liked. And I can see the sunset in the background, the rays of the sun giving me their warmth. I feel so quiet, for the first time I feel at peace. But I need something, I miss you you. I'm deceiving myself. I am nothing without you. You always were my life Piers. Thanks to you I knew what it was truly like to live. No one else ever gave me that gift.
I began to cry desperately, I couldn't take it. I had wanted to cry every day, but I never could. I fell into a deep sleep. I remember dreaming that I was standing in the middle of a snowstorm. I was so cold. The strangest thing was to see everyone I knew there with me. They were crying. I saw Claire crying too. I saw they all looked like her. Seeing them like that tore me apart. I broke down in tears. I kept repeating "Why? "Piers . . . I'm in pieces without you . . ."
I couldn't stop shivering as I curled up in the cold snow, until the vision of your beautiful face filled my mind. Then anger came over me, "Why God? Why did you snatch him from my hands!" I felt something soft around my neck, it felt so warm. I looked up and met those hazel eyes that I'd always adored.
"Piers . . ?" I couldn't believe it. Piers was in front of me, my Piers.
"Hello Chris, I thought I was the delicate one in the cold but I see that's not so."
I could only see his eyes. At last, I could see those beautiful eyes again. I could only look at him, unable to say anything. He had put his favourite scarf around my neck, and immediately I had stopped feeling cold, everything became so warm. The next thing I did was to hug him, to hug him like I would never let go again.
"Piers I'm sorry, I love you so much, I will not let you go, I won't do it!" It felt like his hands responded to my hug.
"Chris, you don't know how much I love you too; but my time here has ended. I'm not saying that I'm leaving you, I never will. You have always been the most important thing in my life. Something like that is never forgotten. I promise you I will always take care of you."
"Piers . . . don't do it again, please I beg you, do not leave me alone again. I'm afraid to face life without you. If you go you'll take my whole life."
"Chris, my love, you will never be alone, I will not allow that to happen, I'll be with you forever, our love will keep us united."
"No . . . no, no . . . Piers . . !"
"Captain, remember that I am your Lieutenant and it is my duty to be by your side in any fight, right ? So I will not leave you. Never forget Chris, I will always look after you."
With his hands he caressed my face, and with his fingers he wiped away my tears. Just to feel his touch made my whole body shiver, he felt so wonderful.
"I love you Piers"
"I love you Chris, my dear bear."
He gave me a kiss, a sweet kiss on the lips; and I awoke. I was lying in the snow, still cold, but something had changed. That great emptiness in me no longer felt as it had before. Now I was no longer afraid of death; I would keep fighting. But the day I die I'll go gladly because I will beside my beautiful guardian angel with his hazel eyes. I will be with Piers.