Chapter Text
Today was going to be a bad day.
Jungkook knew it as soon as he woke up in the morning, just before the alarm set on his phone went off, feeling a pressure in his head and pain behind his eyes.
It wasn’t long before he started to feel a tightness in his chest and chills followed by a heat that spread throughout his body, making him shiver from the outside in.
These were the first signs that he was anxious. At this point in his life he had a certain familiarity with feeling like this. This time, something warned him that these feelings wouldn’t go away any time soon. It made him wish that this day wouldn’t exist.
He lay on his back in bed for a while, trying to breathe better while pressing his eyes with the palms of his hands. Feeling anxious in the morning was nothing new to him, but it never got easier.
He would have liked to have the chance to spend the day in bed, because that seemed like the easiest option, but the threat of having his salary docked for unjustified absences from work and the increasingly real possibility of failing the semester due to excessive absences from college told him to get up immediately.
Before the alarm went off and gave him a real anxiety attack, with all the physical and emotional symptoms included, he quickly got out of bed, blaming his lack of desire to eat the night before for the dizziness he felt as soon as he set his bare feet on the cold floor.
After deactivating the alarm on his cell phone, he went to the bathroom, getting rid of his sweaty clothes and stepping under the cold water of the shower while a feeling of discomfort made him feel nauseous, taking deep breaths so as not to vomit on an empty stomach, because that would certainly make him enter a spiral of panic that would be difficult to overcome.
The first contact with the cold water was like being physically attacked. At first, it didn’t help at all, it only sunk his mind even deeper into the sensation of pain. But as he struggled, his thoughts became clearer and he felt he had a better chance of surviving the day.
Showered and dressed in clean clothes, he shoved two pieces of dry toast into his mouth and washed them down with half a glass of cold milk, hoping that would be enough to ease his stomach pain. After that, he still had to remember to take three slow, deep breaths before he could put on his shoes, grab his backpack, and finally head out to face the day.
*
Despite the chaotic morning traffic, he managed to get to work on time. This gave him a few minutes to gather his thoughts before going to check and register the products that had arrived in stock at the convenience store where he had been hired to work part-time a few months ago.
Even with the few benefits he received compared to a full-time job, he enjoyed organizing the products on the shelves in an efficient way for customers. Organizing, sorting, and restocking were activities that allowed him to get out of his head for a while and have something concrete and external to focus on.
The most challenging part of the job was having to provide good customer service without being intimidated by social contact. Interactions with other people have always been difficult and exhausting for him, so he tends to limit them as much as possible. He has managed well with a few friends. Unfortunately, while working, he had no choice.
To his dismay, his colleague was late that morning and the store was busier than usual, so he had to split his time between ringing up the purchases, returning the change, and restocking the shelves. Obviously, this didn’t work out well.
The hectic flow of customers coming and going made it impossible to keep the shelves tidy. Many products were left out of place or not put back in the correct places, and the slow checkout line began to make customers nervous and frustrated.
Jungkook did his best to ring up the purchases and return the change quickly, but the nervousness of the situation began to make his hands shake. Tense situations always made him very sensitive. His brain went into a sort of short circuit and he had to work much harder to make sure the change was given correctly, further delaying the line.
He also had to listen to complaints about the need for more employees working on site, as well as having to deal with rude treatment from dissatisfied customers. Some of them even demanded compensation and an apology for the delay.
Jungkook was about to have a nervous breakdown due to the stress of the situation when his colleague, who usually works the cash register, arrived significantly late.
“Sorry I’m late. My alarm didn’t go off,” he said as he promptly took Jungkook’s place at the cash register. “Go take a break in the back. I’ll finish up here,” he offered sympathetically, pushing him aside before attending to the customer who was next in line.
Despite being greatly relieved by the weight that had been lifted from his shoulders, Jungkook simply shook his head, overwhelmed to the point that he had difficulty finding words of gratitude, wishing only for a safe and quiet place where he could get away from people for a while.
“I apologize for my colleague, sir. He has difficulty dealing with customers. I will finish the service for you myself,” was the last thing he heard before he hurriedly left, seeking shelter in the stock room at the back of the store.
Upon arriving there, his first instinct was to hide between two huge metal shelves piled high with cardboard boxes, collapsing onto the floor of the narrow hallway like a stone as he hugged his knees to his chest and struggled to breathe.
He had noticed for some time that he tended to hold his breath in moments of stress or anxiety. Because of this, he had to constantly remind himself to stay calm and breathe slowly to avoid feeling short of breath. But of course, all the chaos going on at the checkout had prevented him from paying attention to this.
As he tried to calm down, he realized that he hadn’t even completed half of his shift yet. Even so, he was already feeling exhausted and drained from the stress of interacting with customers. Once again, it made him wish this day didn’t exist.
After some time trying to regulate his breathing, he had to pull himself together and go back to work anyway. To his relief, customer movement decreased throughout the morning, allowing him to focus solely on moving a few products from the stockroom to the shelves.
He just had to attend to a few more customers who asked where certain items were located that they couldn’t find on their own. And then, finally, after updating some records of incoming and outgoing products, his shift ended without any major incidents and he was able to gather his things and leave the store.
*
It was already past lunchtime when he had to run to catch one of the two buses that would take him to the college campus. The realization that he would have to endure another chaotic traffic jam and at least another four hours of classes, in addition to the entire way back home, made him wish he could leave his own body.
He had no way of reading the lecture content in advance and would not be able to concentrate on the professors’ explanations with the confusion of anxious thoughts clouding his mind. So what was the point of all this? Why keep trying? Most of the time, he had no answers to these questions and just did what needed to be done, without thinking.
When he arrived at the campus, there were less than thirty minutes left until lunch was no longer served. With no other choice, he ran to the line, managing to get in just in time because of the small number of students at that time. After serving himself, he realized that he still wasn’t hungry, even after having eaten so little in the morning. Still, he forced himself to eat small portions to keep the feeling of weakness from overtaking him.
He didn’t even have time to digest his meal before he had to run again, this time towards the building where his classes would be held for the day. He still had to climb two flights of stairs to get to where he needed to go. When he finally entered the room, it felt like he had run a marathon, he could barely stand up and was breathing heavily through his mouth. Luckily, class hadn’t started yet, so he didn’t have to worry about being late.
Before he could sit down to catch his breath, he heard the teacher call him to his desk, making him swallow hard and blink in surprise. Several negative thoughts came to his mind in an instant, like those scenes in movies where the character watches his life flash before his eyes during an accident.
With his body shaking with anxiety, he gripped the strap of his backpack for strength and approached her with wide, frightened eyes, unable to imagine what awaited him.
“Your current situation is worrying,” she said after looking up from the laptop on her desk, making direct and firm eye contact. “Your absences keep piling up and you seem to be treating it with disregard. Your future should be your main priority. Or is there something more important that you need to do right now?”
Jungkook couldn’t show any reaction, paralyzed in front of the table without even being able to blink. His breath hitched in his throat as time froze before his eyes. He couldn’t believe that this was really happening.
Inside himself, he felt that this wasn’t right and that he was suffering an injustice, even without understanding what exactly was wrong in this situation. With his head full of confusion and the avalanche of negative feelings inside him, everything seemed confusing and incomprehensible.
“I-I’m sorry. I will- I want to get better,” was all he could say, as if he was following a script without thinking, just because that was what was expected to be said.
“I hope you start showing more commitment in your actions from now on,” she said without showing any emotion or feeling before dismissing him with a gesture of her hand.
He walked to his seat with the sensation that there was nothing beneath his feet, as if he were floating above an abyss. Even the buzz of conversations from his classmates around him sounded like a distant echo as he dropped into his seat in the corner of the room, dropping his things on the floor as the teacher began to introduce the content of the class.
While the other students began to pay attention to the explanation, he was hunched over in his seat, fighting the familiar feeling of being suffocated, trying to breathe through his mouth to increase the amount of air in his lungs. To make matters worse, his head was throbbing and he felt like he could throw up his lunch at any moment.
With shaking hands, he grabbed a bottle of water and a painkiller that he kept in his backpack as a precaution, taking them all in one big gulp. It helped with the headache and the feeling of nausea, but he still felt destroyed, like a crystal glass shattered into a thousand pieces. Something inside him was restless and his stomach felt like it had turned into a solid ball.
It's no surprise that he couldn't pay attention in class. The teacher’s voice echoed in his mind like an echo in an empty space. He was so nervous that he kept touching his hair, which ended up getting all messy. All of this was torture for him, and again made him wish this day would never exist.
In the break between classes, he managed to escape to the bathroom, where he splashed cold water on his face and tried to slow down a little. In the reflection of the mirror, he noticed that his face clearly revealed how exhausted he was. His eyes were empty and sunken, accompanied by dark spots beneath them. It seemed that the only brightness on his face came from the piercing in his lip.
After what seemed like an eternity, he was finally released from the last class and managed to quickly grab his things to leave the room. But before he reached the stairs that would take him to the ground floor, he felt someone hang on his arm, wrapping both hands around it, while resting their face affectionately on his shoulder.
“Jungkookie~” Jimin hummed with his sweet voice, greeting him like a long-time friend who had known him for years.
Jungkook smiled sincerely for the first time that day, eternally grateful for the genuine affection Jimin had for him since the day they met. He was happy that their paths had crossed that day. Since they study in the same building, it’s not uncommon for them to bump into each other from time to time, but their absences from classes have made these encounters difficult.
“Hi, hyung,” he greeted back, his voice visibly affected by the mutual affection, leaning his head against his as they hugged sideways.
Jimin, who is his senior, entered college the semester before his. They met during the freshman welcome program at the beginning of the year. It turned out that Jimin was one of the seniors in charge of leading a tour of the campus, being responsible for the group that Jungkook was in.
He was basically the shy and introverted freshman adopted by Jimin, who was more than understandable when he admitted that he didn’t feel comfortable in the group dynamics organized by the seniors. After that, Jimin started organizing personalized tours for him, indicating places where he could go when he wanted to distract himself. That’s how they got closer.
As if that wasn’t enough, Jimin also made sure to introduce him to his group of friends, so he could meet all the hyungs who had always been a part of his life. Luckily, they all took a liking to Jungkook almost instantly.
Thanks to Jimin’s efforts, he was no longer just a lonely freshman in a new city. Now, he had a support network he could rely on. With that blond hair, Jimin could really be his angel.
“I’m glad I found you. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you, I was worried,” Jimin said, keeping his arm around his shoulders protectively as they walked down the stairs.
“S-sorry, I missed some classes,” he explained in a general way, trying not to make a big deal out of it, while his hand, which was on Jimin’s back, tightened his grip on his shirt.
“But are you okay?” Jimin asked as soon as they reached the ground floor, leading them to a corner before placing them face to face, wrapping his arms around his waist to create a private space around them.
“It’s just that- you know, my routine has been really busy,” was all he managed to say, feeling a lump in his throat and a tightness in his chest. “But I’m adjusting,” he lied, trying to ease the situation.
“You know you can talk to me whenever you need, right?” Jimin assured him with his soothing voice and friendly expression, raising his arm to caress the back of his neck while seeking his gaze.
Jungkook shook his head as they exchanged affectionate and sincere glances, already feeling more stable with the soft touches and attention he was receiving. He had missed this support all day. All he wanted now was to make sure Jimin kept touching him in this careful way.
“If I’m not the right person, maybe Yoongi hyung can help,” Jimin reminded him, moving his hand to caress his cheek. “He told me that you guys have been supporting each other ever since that movie night at Jin hyung’s apartment.”
Jungkook winced internally at the mention of that night when he had simply burst into tears in front of his new friends while talking about how exhausted and unhappy he had been with his life. Of course he had to embarrass himself like that, acting childishly in the presence of older people.
Despite that, it was that day that he and Yoongi had gotten closer and started talking, gradually developing a trusting relationship that was hard to understand. Together, they were finding ways to support each other through difficult times. But it was still not a subject he could talk about or explain. How would he explain that he allowed someone else to tell him exactly what to do because he was too tired to act or think for himself?
“You seemed calmer after talking to him that day. It seems like you two have a good connection,” Jimin said, smiling encouragingly. “If that’s what you need, I’m sure he’s just as willing to help you as I am.”
Jungkook rested his head on Jimin’s shoulder, leaning forward as he tried to take a deep breath for a while to get his bearings in relation to these guidelines. He always got frustrated when he couldn’t handle himself in situations that required him to do something for himself.
“Just don’t hesitate to seek someone if you feel like you need it, okay?” Jimin asked him, patting his back patiently. “You don’t have to endure bad things without help. That’s not healthy for anyone.”
Jungkook looked at him carefully before nodding, even managing to smile slightly when he recognized the concern in his tone of voice. Having someone show concern for him was not a routine thing. With a grateful heart, he wrapped his arms around Jimin’s neck, leaning his face against the side of his as they hugged each other affectionately.
“Come on, I’ll walk you to the exit. You need to go rest,” Jimin said, giving his waist a quick squeeze before holding his hand to guide him out of the building.
After saying goodbye to Jimin, it didn’t take long for him to feel empty and unsteady again. He had the impression that a falling sensation had taken over him, as if a part of him was falling off a cliff. The loneliness that came after receiving support was much more painful than the usual loneliness. Returning to his oppressive and lonely reality was extremely distressing.
In the blink of an eye, this anguish expanded within him, making him give in to the urge to grab his cell phone and text Yoongi, asking if he could come over. To his surprise, Yoongi replied in less than five minutes, assuring him that his door was open.
*
A short time later, he was standing in front of Yoongi’s door, gripping the strap of his backpack tightly as he felt hesitant. As he stood there, he began to consider that perhaps the day hadn’t been as bad as it seemed.
Who knows, maybe he had been the root of all the problems all along, always so sensitive and with his mind focused on the worst. It was probably his anxiety that made him perceive things in a much more negative way than they were.
Still, he chose to open the door and enter, sighing heavily as he forced himself to put those judgments aside. At the entrance, he took off his sneakers and left his backpack in the corner before entering Yoongi’s space, where he was greeted by soft and welcoming lighting coming from the living room. He found it impressive how the environment managed to capture Yoongi’s essence, being so welcoming that it always made him feel at home.
Since he didn’t see anyone when he entered, he assumed that Yoongi was working in one of the rooms he used as an office. So he walked through the room with soft steps, thanks to the socks he was wearing, until he reached the bedroom that had the door ajar, entering it as cautiously as a stray dog, ready to disappear at the first sign of threat.
“Hey, you almost scared me,” Yoongi said as soon as he realized he had arrived, turning around in his chair while taking off his headphones.
Jungkook noticed that he looked relaxed and comfortable while working from home. Sitting in his office chair, with one leg crossed over the seat and the other hanging down, he was dressed in an all-black sweatsuit. His hair parted in the middle added an adorable touch to his look. In contrast to Jungkook, he looked like the personification of tranquility.
“Come here,” Yoongi asked him with an amused tone, noticing that he was standing still, leaning against the door, just watching.
Jungkook approached him with small steps, feeling so nervous that it seemed like he was about to float across the room. His eyes were wide and eager like a puppy’s, reflecting a mix of anticipation and caution. His heartbeat echoed in his ears and he felt his throat getting dry just from getting close to him.
“Hi,” was the only thing he could say standing there in front of him.
“Hi,” Yoongi smiled as he replied, rocking in his chair as he extended his hand in an inviting gesture for them to touch.
Without hesitation, Jungkook raised his hand and intertwined their fingers, grateful to have a foothold. Without being able to explain it, he realizes that whenever Yoongi touches him, he experiences a feeling of total surrender, as if he were orbiting around him. It’s still a little scary, but it also serves to remind him of the kind of bond they’re building.
A soft silence enveloped the room as they shared affectionate glances with each other. It had been a while since they had last met, so Yoongi’s gaze seemed to be seeking reassurance that he was okay. With some shyness, Jungkook looked away to their joined hands and decided to break the silence by asking what seemed obvious.
“Am I disturbing you?” he wanted to make sure as he looked away to the computer monitor, feeling a soft and almost imperceptible heat rise in his face.
“No, not at all,” Yoongi assured him immediately, paying attention to his expressions. “I was just finishing saving some work and took the opportunity to eat something.”
Jungkook murmured softly, understanding the situation as his eyes roamed his office desk, identifying some takeout packaging and energy drink cans near the keyboard. He had the feeling that Yoongi had been immersed in this for quite some time.
“Are you coming from college?” Yoongi asked after giving his hand a light squeeze, trying to regain his attention.
Jungkook looked back at him like an animal caught off guard by a car’s headlights. Obviously, he couldn’t hide the reason for his visit any longer. So he simply nodded, confirming what Yoongi wanted to know.
“And did you go to work this morning?” Yoongi continued to ask, receiving another nod in response. “You had a busy day then,” he concluded.
Standing in front of him, Jungkook began to feel like an idiot. It was too obvious that something was wrong. The way he hunched over and the almost agonizing grip on Yoongi’s hand, as if he was fighting for his life, spoke for themselves. Still, he couldn’t talk about it. He came here looking for help, but he couldn’t even tell him what was happening. Maybe he made a rash decision.
“Hey, talk to me, Jungkook,” Yoongi asked, his voice full of tenderness and understanding, as if he were dealing with a frightened puppy.
Just hearing him, Jungkook was overcome by an immense urge to cry. He had kept it bottled up all day, and now it seemed almost impossible not to break down. A growing tightness in his chest bothered him, and he tried to organize the words in his mind, but nothing seemed right. It felt like he was a wounded animal looking for help, afraid that any wrong step would increase his suffering.
He bit his lips nervously, looking away from Yoongi, feeling suffocated by a growing discomfort. To top it off, the combination of biting his lips and having a piercing created an even more uncomfortable sensation.
“You had a hard day, didn’t you?” Yoongi guessed as he watched him struggle to hold back the tears, stroking the back of his hand with his thumb.
Jungkook looked up, trying to control his breathing to hold back the tears that threatened to fall. He knew that once he started crying, he wouldn’t be able to say anything else. It was important that he remember to keep breathing slowly and deeply.
“It was just bad, I- my head wasn’t in the right place,” he said after taking a breath, trying to find some calm. “Nothing was working as it should and I-”
Jungkook had to stop himself, because despite all his efforts to avoid it, a tear ran down his face. He blinked, feeling helpless as his lip trembled, quickly wiping that single tear with the back of his free hand. Yoongi was listening to him attentively, and that meant more than anything they’d tried to do to help him lately.
“I feel so bad, hyung,” he finally acknowledged, sniffling as new tears accumulated. “Yesterday, today. All the time. It never ends.”
His shoulders shook as tears fell from his eyes without him being able to contain them. His heart was broken and his mind exhausted. It didn’t take long before he started crying in a fit of despair, barely able to breathe. Yoongi shifted in his chair, leaning forward slightly, trying to get closer to him.
“I’m sorry you’re feeling this way,” he said sincerely, trying to convey the calm that the situation required as he held his hand and caressed his arm with the other. “You must have a lot on your mind right now, don’t you?”
Jungkook nodded after using his free hand to wipe the trails of tears that had left on his cheeks, breathing heavily as he tried to calm himself down. It seemed that the spiral of anxious thoughts in his mind was tightening even more. And, to make matters worse, all this emotional tension was making his head hurt and his stomach tighten inside him. The firmness of Yoongi’s hand was what was giving him some sense of security.
“If I tell you to put this aside for a while, will you listen to me?” Yoongi asked, assertive and without hesitation, as he covered his hand with both of his and stared at him intensely. “Is that what you need? To do what I say?”
Jungkook felt the gentle pressure on his hand and almost nodded, before remembering their conversation about the importance of consent always being loud and clear in these circumstances. Head spinning and heart pounding in anticipation, he had to take a deep breath before finding his words under Yoongi’s steady gaze.
“Y-yes, hyung. I want- I need you to take control,” he said with conviction, even though his voice was cracking, locked into Yoongi’s gaze as if a magnetic force was pulling him.
“So, let’s do this,” Yoongi declared before getting up from his chair and wrapping his arms around Jungkook’s shoulders, bringing him closer. “I’m with you now, okay? Let’s think of something.”
Jungkook felt himself shiver as Yoongi wrapped both arms around him and squeezed him tightly. A wave of emotion washed over him as he was certain that this was what gave him the security he was looking for. With deep gratitude, he tilted his head and rested his cheek on Yoongi’s shoulder as he breathed through his mouth with some difficulty.
“For now, all you need to do is keep breathing deeply for me,” Yoongi guided him as he kept him close, with one arm wrapped around his shoulders and one hand gently holding the back of his neck.
Jungkook instinctively let his arms wrap around Yoongi while his hands firmly gripped a part of his hoodie, as if he wanted to convince him to stay there a little longer. So, he began to struggle to inhale and exhale slowly and rhythmically, feeling the air return to his lungs and flood his insides with a dizzying feeling.
Amidst the silence, he finally let go of control, feeling the firmness of Yoongi’s embrace. A sweet feeling warmed his heart, slowly melting something inside him, possibly his barriers.
From that point on, Yoongi’s control over his actions and decisions was as solid and firm as an anchor, keeping him stable amidst the storm that was stirring inside him.