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When Ash always dreamed about winning a league, he always assumed it would be a happy moment. He would be victorious with Pikachu by his side, holding up a trophy as he stands at number one in the region. And everyone he loved would be there and Hau would run out to hug Ash in celebration-
And maybe that's why Ash doesn't feel as victorious as he should be.
Ever since Ash was a little kid he assumed Hau would be there, right next to him cheering him on. Or even on the opposite side of the battlefield a friendly battle deciding who would be the next champion.
He would never think that Hau would be gone from Alola all together, lost to Ash as he sinks into the depths of team flare. Off doing who knows what for Lysandre. All because Ash had to run his stupid mouth and complain to Hau and-
And now Hau is gone.
And Ash has won the Alola league.
But nothing feels right.
Nothing ever feels right these days.
Ash sobs into his bedsheets, the sheets soaking up his tears as the trophy stares at him from his desk. The photo of him and Hau as kids is also there, framed and staring at Ash from his desk.
His pokemon have all been returned to their pokeballs, he didn't want them to see Ash crying like this. Not when they just won the league.
They deserved to feel their success as a point of pride, and not be weighed down by Ash. Pikachu being, as always, the exception. Ash buries his face into his bed, not lying in bed but on the floor as his face is squished into the bedsheets to muffle his sobbing. Pikachu purrs, trying to comfort Ash by lightly shocking Ash to ground him, but it doesn't help.
Of course, the upset Raichu in the corner also doesn't help much. After Hau left Ash was given Raichu to take care of, as no matter what happened Raichu would force its way to Ash, no matter how far or how hard it had to fight. After countless nights of Raichu breaking out of its pokeball and breaking into Ash's house, Kahuna Hala handed over the pokeball sadly to Ash.
Kahuna Hala seemed different. Almost everyone noticed Hau's behavior in the months he had to have been working with Lysandre, including Kahuna Hala.
They had been fighting frequently in the months leading up to Hau's betrayal, before eventually Hau flat out avoided Kahuna Hala as much as he could. Usually staying with Ash at night and disappearing to who knows where during the day.
Kahuna Hala seemed devastated when it was revealed what Hau did, he ended up throwing himself into his work to get away from it all.
Ash did largely the same, trying to avoid at all cost thinking about what happened, including the giant scar over his eye that won't ever go away. Ash hates looking at it, he hates it so much.
It's ugly, and large, and too much of a reminder of what he lost.
In a way an eye of an eye, for Ash hurting Hau to the point where he was driven to Lysandre, so Ash was hurt back. He was blinded to Hau's struggles and he was blinded literally for it.
Ash should have noticed what was going on. He knew something was up with Hau but he couldn't figure out what it was and he ended up losing Hau because he wasn't sure how to approach the situation. It's forever going to be his worst mistake in life.
Ashs breath hitches as he sobs, and he tries to muffle it so his dad and Professor Burnet wouldn't notice.
He shouldn't be crying after such a happy event.
He trained almost obsessively so he wouldn't have to sit and think about what happened, to the point where his dad had to forcibly ground him into relaxing. He feels terrible for the amount of training he put his pokemon through, to the point where he stopped training them and would instead just run laps around the beach, his dad was furious when he found Ash nearly passed out from exhaustion as he would run faster every time his thoughts caught up and would try to get away from him. His dad didn't say anything but he knows he's very worried for Ash, watching Ash start to self destruct but not open up to anyone.
Because opening up to Hau led Hau to think he needed to protect Ash from the world, and in doing so nearly destroy it in the process.
Just for Ash.
The thought nearly chokes Ash.
Eventually Raichu started forcing Ash to rest using psychic, tugging him away from whatever he was doing to force him into bed, and staying vigilant until Ash's exhaustion caught up with him and he fell asleep.
Mallow and Lana have been trying to get Ash to open up to them, but Ash refuses, waving them off. He knows they're worried about him, that Hau was close friends with them too. He knows everyone is worried about him, from how his father dotes and tries to get him to slow down and take care of himself, how Professor Burnet hovers, like she wants to do something but is unsure of her place or if it's okay for her to do so. How his classmates have been trying to cheer him up, with Kiawe battling him more frequently, to all of them trying to take Ash out to different places to cheer him up. Ash burst into tears when they took him to the malasada shop - Hau's favorite malasada shop- and he left quickly. He hasn't even walked the street it is located at now, and hasn't eaten any since Hau first left.
Raichu coos, and Ash lifts his head and shares a look with Raichu. Raichu was Hau's closest pokemon, he has no clue why Hau would leave Raichu too. Not when those two would kill for each other. Hau had to have a reason for leaving Raichu behind, but Ash couldn't figure it out.
But whenever they look at each other they share a wavelength, missing Hau.
Ash couldn't even look at Raichu for the first month, barely able to care for it without bursting into tears and avoiding it. Raichu insistently stuck with Ash, like a pokemon stuck on a mission, and eventually the two started relying on each other for emotional support. They understood what the other was feeling, the loss they felt.
Two of Hau's closest companions, left with the absence between them.
“You knew the entire time, didnt you?” Ash asks the Alolan Raichu, no accusation, no anger, just sympathy and pity.
Raichu’s eyes flick down sadly and Ash knows his answer.
“Guess you felt pretty powerless to stop him, huh?” Ash asks, his voice cracking slightly.
Raichu doesn't answer, but the look on its face is all Ash needs, it slumps into Ash's side and Ash pats its head with the hand not currently hanging onto his bedsheets for dear life.
“That must've been pretty scary, having to watch as it all went down and having nothing you could do to stop it.” Ash sniffs, his tears continuing to flow and drip down onto the very soggy part of his bed, “you must've been pretty angry with me, for- for being able to stop it but doing nothing.”
Raichu lets out a squeak of protest, and Pikachu shocks him a little harder than what its grounding shocks are to tell Ash to stop that train of thought.
Honestly, if Ash was Raichu he would never want to even look at Ash again, much less stay with him in replace of Hau.
Raichu coos as it cuddles closer to Ash, almost the exact way Hau used to with Ash when he was feeling upset.
He misses so much about Hau. His cheery expression that he saw less and less as the months wore on. Hau’s messily wild hair that Ash used to help with, tying it up for him when he saw Hau getting frustrated before he stopped wearing it up and instead let it stay down more, using the hair to cover his face easier. The way he got so happy when he won a battle, even when he took his losses hard. His ramblings about malasadas. Even the way he used to press himself into Ash's side whenever he got excited, or if Ash needed comfort. Dragging him by their intertwined hands to drag Ash to his favorite places to cheer him up. When the two would relax and either Hau would flop his head into Ash's lap so Ash could fiddle with his hair, or Ash on Hau's lap so Hau could gesture wildly as he goes on some rant.
They had always been teased that they were more comfortable with each other then most friends are, even best friends. And maybe there was some truth to that, Ash really did love Hau. And he didn't particularly care if it was platonic or romantic because Ash couldn't imagine one without the other. He loved Hau -loves him even now- who cared about the line between romantic and platonic when it was the two of them together. Ash would've loved to spend his entire life with Hau, with the two of them chasing after their dream to become stronger, maybe even Hau becoming the kahuna like his grandfather as his secret dream. It was no doubt how much admiration Hau held for his grandfather, at least until he started growing up, and Ash was one of the only people Hau would admit to about wanting to become a kahuna. He wouldn't tell anyone else simply by how deadset everyone seemed to think Ash becoming the next kahuna, despite Ash hating the idea of being a kahuna. Hau always seemed much better for the role, loving all of the traditions and learning about Alolan history. Ash had no doubt that Hau could have been an amazing kahuna, much better than Ash could have been.
Ash couldn't help but think that the two would have made an amazing pair, Ash the first Alolan champion, and Hau the next Melemele island kahuna. The mix between new ideas and the old traditions of Alola. Because the island trials aren't meant to be a part of the league, and the league isn't meant to be a part of the island trials. Of course, aspects of it is brought into the Alolan league that Ash is helping his dad build up as the first Alolan champion, and perhaps Hau would have taken inspiration from the league into his own trial. The mix, the balance of the two could have been glorious.
But it seemed Hau no longer wanted to go that way. Even sounding like he hated the idea of kahunas and the tapu guardians the last time they spoke. And the few times Hau opened up about the bitterness he felt towards his grandfather and the tapus.
He should've known Hau wasn't going to stop thinking about it. Ash was only of the few people Hau would dare to admit how upset he felt about his grandfather prioritizing the island and trials over his own grandson, Hau's only family that would leave him with Professor Kukui more often than not. Ash still remembers the day Hau was told his parents would be moving to kanto for work, and not taking him with them. And then after he was dealt that blow his grandfather had to deal with something in town and ended up leaving Hau at Professor Kukui's place, only hurting Hau more. Ash remembered how Hau would sob about never being someone's first choice pick, always something more important coming first.
How Ash proudly said that Hau would always be his favorite person. How that's still true to this day, even after everything that happened.
Ash lowers his face back onto the bed, continuing to sob before he hears a creak coming from the ladder to the loft. Ash whips his head around, spotting his fathers concerned face. Ash quickly tries to wipe the tears away as his dad steps up the ladder more to climb into the loft and sit next to Ash. Ash cant manage to stop crying even Ash he rubs roughly into his eye to try and stop the tears flowing from it. But Professor Kukui firmly yet gently pulls the hands away from Ash's face before bringing Ash into a hug so he couldn't continue to try and rub at his eye. If he wasn't careful he could possibly even scratch his still healing scar again and end up making it bleed again. In the comfort of his dads arms Ash ends up sobbing harder, no longer caring about how loud he was being.
Professor Kukui gently shushes him, running a hand through his hair and rocking Ash back and forth like he was a kid.
Ash digs his fingers into his dads lab coat tightly, like if he didnt cling hard enough Kukui would leave like Hau did. Ash sobs until his voice is hoarse and he has no more tears to cry. He nearly threw up from how hard he was crying. When he finally calms down enough that the tears stop coming he pulls away from Kukui. As soon as he does, a glass of water floats in front of Ash's face. He looks over to see Raichu using psychic to float the water over.
Ash doesn't know how a creature could be so forgiving, for all Ash did for Hau Raichu still takes care of Ash as best as it can. Ash takes the water, patting Raichu as a thanks.
He quickly downs it, having dehydrated himself from crying so much.
When he does he deflates into his dads side, having drained his energy. Kukui wraps an arm around Ash's shoulder to help keep him stable.
Ash breathes in quietly, he can't keep it in, no matter how much he desperately wants to so nothing happens like Hau. Afterall, it was Ash's fault for whining to Hau about everything he had to do as the chosen one. He was the one who led Hau to his bitterness and he was the reason Hau decided it would be better without the legendary pokemon in the world.
But he just can't, and while he's never, ever, going to open up again about chosen one business ever again. Maybe this is something he could open up about, he's fairly certain his dad wouldn't hold it against him, or try to do something drastic.
So Ash holds his breath for a few seconds before breathing in deeply to open his mouth.
“I never thought he wouldn't be there when I won a league.” Ash says, his voice practically a whine as tears nearly sprout again.
Kukui stiffens slightly, before relaxing and nodding.
“I know. I think we all expected he would be there.” Kukui says understandingly. And Ash gets it, everyone knew how tight knit the two were, always being there for eachother, through their worst moments to their best moments. Everyone assumed Hau would be there when Ash won a league, and Ash would be there when Hau won his grandtrial when he was finally allowed to retake it.
They were all wrong.
“I wish I knew what- what he was going through.” Ash says, “I should've known. He all but told me.”
“Hau was better at hiding stuff than we thought, and I don't think any of us would've expected he would join team flare.” Kukui nudges Ash, gently trying to get him to stop spiraling down his guilt, “even team skull was more likely for Hau.”
Ash looks down, feeling miserable. He still should've known, from that moment when he talked about how Ash should hate the legendary pokemon, and Ash tried to tell him to not become bitter. In the end Ash failed, failed to see what was quite literally right in front of him. And he lost his best friend because of it.
“I get what you're feeling though, when Guzma first left and started up team skull I spent years reflecting on what I could've done better, how I could have stopped him from growing so bitter, how I could've been a better friend.” Kukui says, giving Ash's shoulder a squeeze.
“Does it ever get better? Does the guilt ever…” stop trying to kill Ash? Ever stop squeezing at Ash's chest he feels like his heart is going to pop? Ever stop consuming every thought and action.
“It gets better, in the end people make their decisions and stick with them. There's only so much you could have done. Maybe you could have gotten Hau to open up more, but once he decided to join Lysandre I don't think there was much you could have done, he had made his choice.” Kukui says, his eyes flickering down to the floor. Hau was close with him too, having watched Hau grow up alongside his son.
“The guilt gets better some days, and gets worse other days. There may always be days when you regret not taking different actions in hindsight. But that's just life.” Kukui sighs, it sounds like something he's been trying to grapple with for a long time, since Guzma grew bitter over his failure and left, “but you can't control other people, or turn back the past. So you simply have to live and move on.”
“I know you really loved him, and maybe in some messed up way Hau loves you back just as much.” because there's really no doubt about that to Kukui. Ever since they were kids Hau looked to Ash like he hung the stars in the sky. As they grew older Hau grew fiercely protective of Ash, always trying to be close and keep Ash from harm. Ash may have been oblivious to just how much that boy loved him, but there was no doubt in anyone's minds that Hau would trade the world for Ash. It's just that no one knew how literally that was.
Hau loved Ash like breathing, grew incredibly distraught whenever Ash was upset and was just generally Ash's closest companion. Maybe some of it was due to how little Hau could cling to his family, with his parents moving away when he was young, and Kahuna Hala being swamped with work as Kahuna. With how easily Ash gave affection to a small child like Hau who desperately needed someone in his corner no matter what it's not too surprising how much Hau ended up clinging to Ash. When Ash first left on his journey to Kanto Hau was downtrodden, spending a lot of time in Kukui's house to try and cling to whatever was left of Ash. Until Hau got his first pokedex and could easily video call Ash even while they were on a journey. Even if it was just texting back and forth.
Heck, back when they were little Hau always had a bit of trouble sharing Ash with other friends, getting jealous easily if Ash didn't pay attention to him. And when Kahuna Hala started personally training Ash after his grandtrial win Hau was incredibly frustrated. Not only with jealousy at his grandfather he looked up to training someone else, but also at the idea of Ash not being able to spend as much time with him.
Hau loved Ash, still does, and it's proof of how far he'll go to save Ash, to be the one to protect Ash. It's just a shame how far that really ended up going.
“I-I don't know how I could move on. I love him. So much.” Ash sobs, tears blooming in his eyes again. Ash bites his lip to suppress more sobs.
“Sometimes you don't. Sometimes you take that loss, and love, and you focus it. I ended up becoming a teacher so lost kids like Guzma could have someone to rely on to direct them down a brighter path.” Kukui says, pressing his cheek onto Ash's head, even as Ash's curly hair tickles his nose.
“Sometimes instead of getting over things, you let them direct you down your next path, leading you to make better decisions for others.” Kukui sighs, it's not a happy lesson, but it's important. You can't fix everything. And sometimes there's just defining points in your life you may never get over, but if you get up and not let that point drag you down, you'll find it's brought you to a better point in life.
Sometimes that's all you can do.
“I miss him.” Ash simply says.
“I know.” Kukui nods sadly.
Eventually, the energy in Ash seeps out and he ends up falling into a shaky sleep against his dads side. And with Raichu’s help Professor Kukui tucks Ash into bed, the excitement of the day and sorrow of the night knocking Ash out, and Kukui not soon after as he heads to his own bed.
Which is why no one heard the window to the skylight open in the dead of night. No one except Raichu.
Raichu shares a glance with the familiar figure, who smiles at it.
Both know what the figure was thinking, thanking Raichu for taking care of Ash, protecting him like he asked back when he left Raichu with Ash.
Raichu curls up to fall back asleep, a single pat on its head as it does so.
The figure approaches Ash, who was fast asleep in bed.
He leans over Ash's prone figure and gently presses a kiss to Ash's temple, whispering just a few words to Ash.
“I'm so proud of you, Ash. I knew you could do it.” Hau smiles against Ash's temple. He pulls away before picking up Ash's limp hand to press a kiss to the back of his hand as well. He takes one last longing look at Ash before disappearing back into the night, closing the skylight and not leaving any trace of himself.
Only two know of what happened that night, Raichu, and Ash's subconscious that had relaxed him when he heard Hau's voice for the first time in months.