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He's tired.
Eddie has been so tired. He doesn't know when the feeling of this came but he knows that he can't keep going on like this. Eddie isn't suicidal, He doesn't want to die and he never wants to ever physically hurt himself. He just thinks that if he were to close his eyes and never open them maybe that would be okay. And that seems ridiculous because Eddie doesn't ever want to leave Christopher, never wants Chris to think that Eddie wouldn't give him his all.
That he didn't fight to get back to him. But Christopher isn't even here right now and Eddie is tired, he knows he should get up; that he should be fighting for his life right now. He should pull himself off the fucking ground and fight for his life. For his son.
For himself.
He knows for a fact that Buck is out there fighting for him, he knows he won't give up until Eddie is back by his side. If anything Eddie should be fighting to get to him, he doesn't want Buck to find him like this; it would kill him.
Probably
So for any of those reasons, Eddie should get the fuck up and fight to live. But he's tired. Tired of fighting, tired of hurting. Tired of giving what seems to be his all and getting shit In return. He doesn't want to die, but it would be pretty easy to just let his eyes close and rest for a while. ‘It would be so easy’ he thinks.
He doesn't want to leave Chris or Buck, he swears he doesn't want to leave them. But if he could just rest then maybe all his pain would go away. And sure it would suck if he died right now but Buck and Christopher would have each other, Eddie made sure of that. Sure it would suck badly that the only reason Christopher comes home is for his untimely demise, but at least he would be with the person that would love and take care of him the way Eddie would. And they'd take care of each other.
And sure Buck would never know how much Eddie truly appreciates him for everything he's ever done for him. And Buck wouldn't know how Eddie was so ridiculously, comically, hopelessly, so far gone over him. How much he loves him, and those words don't even feel like enough, Buck wouldn't know how much Eddie would love to spend forever listening to him spit out the weirdest animal facts about how ‘polar bears have black skin’ or that ‘bats have thumbs’. Eddie still doesn't believe that they do. He wouldn't know how Eddie would love to just spend the day with Buck doing nothing and everything. He wouldn't know that Eddie was looking forward to dressing up as Spiderman and Deadpool this Halloween.
Buck wouldn't know, how much Eddie truly just wanted him around all the time. And Chris.. The last memory Christopher would have of him is seeing him with his dead mom look alike, and Christopher's last feeling toward him would be being angry at him. Hopefully, even through all of that, Chris would know how much Eddie loves him and what he wouldn't do to fix it. To have Christopher back with him, to wake up to his quippy remarks and his sarcastic jokes, and him ribbing Eddie for being old and not knowing what it means to ‘hit the griddy?’. And whatever new trend going around. He'd miss movie nights, taking him surfing and just being near his kid in general.
Eddie would miss all the time the three of them spent together. He'd miss being it being Christopher, Buck, and Eddie. He'd miss the family that he made. He could probably have all that if he'd just get up!
But he's tired
So tired
Tired
Tired
Tired
He's been so tired.