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“What happened at lunch yesterday, Dean?”
“Ugh, go away.”
“Dean, don’t make me hurt you.”
“Why do you even have keys to my place, still?”
Lisa smacks Dean’s hand when he tries to push her away. “Because you were too stupid to ask for them back,” she answers. “Now tell me what the hell you told Cas, because he came back in with his too-big, everything’s-fine-but-really-it’s-not-and-my-life-has-gone-to-shit smile.”
“Cas has a smile like that?”
Lisa’s brow furrows. “Okay, you asking a question like that makes me wonder whether or not you’re really Cas’s best friend.”
Dean groans. “Look, I’m hungover and I really don’t wanna talk right now. Can you just go?”
“Nope. Not going anywhere. Today’s my day off, and I’m going to spend it prying the truth out of your stubborn little head.”
And that sounds terrible to Dean, because his ‘stubborn little head’ is in so much pain right now. “Why? There are better things you can be doing.”
“What, like Matt? I would, but we had enough sex last night to last me a month, so…”
“Ugh,” Dean grunts.
“Yeah, you’re right, I’m exaggerating. Enough for a week at least, though.”
“Lisa.”
“If you want me to leave, tell me what I want to know, and I’ll go. It’s that easy.”
“I don’t…” Dean sighs. “Why don’t you ask Cas?”
“Don’t you think I tried that already?”
“And what, you think I’m less stubborn than Cas?”
Lisa laughs at this. “Honey, I know you’re less stubborn than Cas.”
Dean just shakes his head, shuts his eyes again and tries to pretend Lisa isn’t perched on the coffee table, waiting for him to spill his guts.
“Dean, I’m waiting.”
“No, Lisa. Just no.”
He hears her let out a fake-weary sigh. “I didn’t wanna do this, Dean, but you leave me no choice.”
Dean cracks an eye open, because what she just said doesn’t bode well for him. But Lisa just gets to her feet and leaves the room, and… what is that all about?
And then an amazing smell reaches Dean, and just, no.
“Oh, that is wrong,” Dean complains as Lisa returns with a freshly baked pie.
“I am going to sit right here,” Lisa says, returning to her spot at—on—the coffee table, “and eat this pie right in front of you.”
“Wrong,” Dean repeats.
Lisa laughs again. “Well, I’m not completely evil. I’ll even let you have a slice, before you tell me anything.”
Dean sits up, even though he knows that’s exactly what she wants, because well, pie. And now that he looks more carefully, Lisa does have a knife, two forks, and two plates. She cuts two generous servings of pie and passes one to Dean. He looks at it suspiciously, then throws the same look in Lisa’s direction.
“Go ahead and eat, Dean. It’s not like it’s filled with truth serum or anything,” Lisa says, and then she takes a bite of her own slice.
Dean frowns. “I wouldn’t put it past you.”
He separates a small bite of the pie and forks it up to his mouth. And god, it’s that flaky-crusted, tangy and sweet, freaking moan-inducing apple pie, from Mama’s Little Bakery—Dean hasn’t had pie this good in such a long time.
“Holy crap,” Dean says a few glorious mouthfuls later. His head doesn’t even seem to hurt as much. Food of the gods, this is. Food of the gods. “How did you get this? I don’t even bother trying anymore, their pies sell out so fast.”
Lisa smiles, and she looks evil. “Matt’s mom owns the bakery.”
It takes a moment for that to sink in. “Matt’s mom is the Mama in Mama’s Little Bakery?” he blurts incredulously.
“What, are you jealous?”
“No! I’m a little pissed that it’s taken you ‘til now to hook me up with pie! How long have you two been fucking?”
Lisa rolls her eyes. “I’m not dating him for his mom’s pie, Dean.”
“Well you should be.”
And now that Dean’s almost done with his slice, he knows why Lisa decided to give him one in the first place—he wants more, and Lisa’s plan is not to give it to him until he talks. Damn it. Dean reaches for the knife anyway, and Lisa swats his hand away.
“Not for you,” she says. “At least, not—”
“Until I tell you everything, right?” Dean grumbles.
Lisa smiles and reaches out to pat his cheek. “Yes, there’s a good boy. So. What was so important that you had to interrupt our lunch yesterday?”
Dean grits his teeth and glares at Lisa, then the pie, and then Lisa again. Without the delicious pie to distract him, his headache returns with a vengeance. “Evil. That’s what you are.”
“Yes, I know,” she says with another smile, and she must live for torturing Dean like this.
“It doesn’t matter,” Dean finally says. “None of it made any difference, anyway.”
“Just tell me.”
“Cas and this other guy are gonna get married and adopt kids and skip off into the sunset holding hands.”
Lisa stares at him for a minute, mouth open. And then she bursts into laughter. Dean glares at her, but she doesn’t stop. When she catches her breath, she says, “You have got to be joking.” Dean says nothing, and she takes a few breaths just to settle down. “Wow. You’re completely serious.”
“Yes. Because Cas is just the type of guy to skip off into the sunset,” Dean says dryly.
Lisa rolls her eyes. “You know that’s not what I’m talking about. You’re jealous.”
“And you are out of your mind.”
“If anyone’s out of their mind here, it’s you. You can’t stand that Cas has someone else, can you? God, I never thought I’d see the day.” Lisa pauses to fork up another bite of pie. She takes her time chewing, and Dean feels restless.
“What do you mean?” he asks, taking the bait. Because his head hurts, and getting Lisa out of here is a priority. It’ll be faster to half-cooperate than to refuse altogether.
“I mean that I never thought I’d get to see you pining.”
“Wha—I’m not pining!” Dean says indignantly.
“Moping, then. Mourning the loss of—”
“Shut up.”
Lisa sighs. “Okay, sorry. Clearly you’re still sore. But this is a good thing, isn’t it? You realizing that you’re an actual real-live boy with feelings?”
The throbbing at Dean’s temples gets worse. “Ugh, what do you want from me?”
“I want to know how you feel.”
“I feel like shit.”
Lisa rolls her eyes. “About Cas, idiot. What are your feelings toward Cas?”
Dean shakes his head. “I’m done here, okay? So either give me some more pie, or get out.”
“Fine, here. Help yourself,” Lisa says, handing over the knife and pie tin. As Dean cuts himself a second slice, she says, “I’m trying to help, Dean. We were together for a long time. Friends for even longer. I’m worried about you.”
“Lise, I’m fine.”
“I get that you think Balthazar—”
“No, stop. Just… stop.”
“Dean—”
“Shut up, all right? I don’t wanna talk about it. This isn’t even any of your business.”
“Wow, okay. You’re an ungrateful little shit, you know that?”
“Yeah, that’s kinda the point,” Dean says.
“You know what, if you lose Cas just ‘cause you were too much of a wimp to talk to him, then you deserve it.”
“I have talked to him, okay? There’s nothing left to say.”
Lisa looks disappointed. “Fine. Fine, I’m going,” she says, getting to her feet. “You can keep the pie.”
“Thanks,” Dean says begrudgingly, because it is good pie.
Lisa sends a small smile his way before turning to leave. She hesitates at the entrance, and Dean almost expects her to turn around to say something, but she just keeps walking, and a minute later, she’s gone.
Now if only his headache would get lost, too.
When Anna’s name pops up on the caller ID, Castiel’s first instinct is to worry. She usually doesn’t pick up the phone to call him, especially not when it’s this late. “Is something wrong?” he asks as he answers.
“Um—what? No, I’m fine,” Anna says on the other end.
“Oh. Okay, good,” Castiel says, taking a deep breath to rid himself of the urgency that the phone call started in him. “Why are you calling? You never call.”
“I didn’t want to do this over text.”
“Why?”
“I figured you’d ignore me.”
Castiel frowns. “I wouldn’t—”
“I wanted to talk to you about Balthazar, and about Dean.”
Oh. In that case, Anna’s probably right. “What would you like to say?” Castiel asks.
“Well, it’s not so much what I’d like to say as what I’d like to hear from you.”
“What do you want me to say, then?”
“I’m just… you didn’t really answer my question about Dean, yesterday.”
“What did you ask?”
“I asked how you two were. You said that you were fine, but… I mean, Dean actually showed up, interrupted our lunch yesterday. He never does that. And when you came back—”
“It wasn’t important yesterday, and it still isn’t important now,” Castiel says firmly.
Anna sighs tiredly. “I just want you to be careful. I was with Dean for just over three years, and I thought I’d have him forever. It seemed like such a sure thing, and look what happened.”
“What are you trying to say?”
“I’m saying that if Balthazar makes you happy, maybe you really should end things with Dean, go for Balthazar instead.”
“Yesterday you sounded skeptical.”
“Yes, but that was before Dean pulled you out and gave you a talking-to that had you coming back in all… all unhappy. When’s the last time Dean made you laugh? When’s the last time he made you happy?” Anna asks pointedly.
“I’m thinking about taking up Balthazar’s offer,” Castiel admits.
“What is he offering, exactly?”
“Moving here permanently. He owns an estate in Britain, but he…” Castiel pauses. Balthazar had said that he’d rather be wherever Castiel wanted to be, but maybe that’s not something he should tell Anna. At least, not now. Not when he hasn’t made up his mind yet. “He’s willing to stay here,” Castiel finishes.
Anna’s silent for a moment, and Castiel tries to calculate how angry she’d be if he just hung up right now and claimed bad phone reception. But he’s always been a rotten liar, and Lisa and Anna have always been able to sniff the truth out anyway, so he resigns himself to finishing this conversation.
“That’s a pretty big deal. How many dates have you been on with him?”
“Eight.”
“But you haven’t had sex,” Anna says.
“No.”
“And he’s okay with that?”
“Yes.”
“Wow. Um, that’s… that’s not bad.”
Castiel finds himself nodding even though Anna can’t see him. “Yes, Balthazar is very understanding.” It’s silent for a moment, and then Castiel blurts out, “Anna, I love him—Dean.”
Another silence, and then Anna says, quietly, “I know, Cas.”
“You…”
“I know, yes. It isn’t exactly hard to tell, not when you know what to look for,” Anna says.
Castiel swallows. “You loved him, too. How… how did you…?”
“Get over him?” Anna guesses. Before Castiel can answer, she says, “To be honest, Cas, I… I didn’t. I’m not over him. I still hate him, and I… and I still love him.”
There’s pain in Anna’s voice, loud and clear, and Castiel barely manages to stop himself just before apologizing. I’m sorry. Those words are meaningless. They don’t change anything, don’t help. His apology won’t heal Anna, and it won’t make either of them feel better.
And maybe Castiel should ask her for lessons on how to act completely well-adjusted, because her reaction to Dean’s appearance at yesterday’s lunch wasn’t so genuine, after all.
“Cas, you and I are… really similar. Much more than Lisa is to us, anyway. And I’m gonna tell you now that Dean… he’s not going to be easy for you to get over. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try. Balthazar sounds like he would be good for you.”
“Yes, he does,” Castiel agrees numbly. He’s tired of this conversation, tired of thinking about this, and maybe what he really needs is to ask Balthazar to take him away, ask him to fly them to England, so that they can get away from all this forever.
The silence stretches out between them, and Castiel just waits for Anna to say something, waits for the end of this phone call.
“Cas, you’re… you’ll be okay, right?” Anna eventually asks.
No, Castiel wants to scream. No, he’s not okay, won’t ever be okay. Sam knows, Dean knows, Anna apparently has known for some time, and now he wonders if Lisa knows as well, because even if she’s not like Castiel, she’s certainly perceptive.
Have Anna and Lisa talked about his feelings when he wasn’t there to overhear? Were they discussing it even yesterday, when Dean dragged him out in the middle of lunch? The possibility of everyone knowing and talking about it when he’s not around to spare his feelings is too much, makes him feel a bit sick. So no, “okay” is not the word he would choose to describe himself anytime in the near future.
What he says instead is, “Yes, of course I will.”
Anna’s sigh is so quiet that he almost misses it. “All right then, Cas. I… I guess that’s all.”
“In that case, I should probably get to sleep. I’m proctoring a final exam early tomorrow morning.”
“I’ll let you rest, then. Think about what I said, okay?”
“I will,” Castiel says, more to reassure her than anything else—he doesn’t want to spend time thinking about what Anna’s said tonight, but he has a feeling that his mind will be straying in that direction, whether or not he wants it to.
“Good night, Cas.”
“Good night.”
He swipes his thumb across the screen to end the call and puts his phone on back on the nightstand, stares at the glaring red digits on his alarm clock. It’s a few minutes past midnight, and Castiel can’t help but think of Dean, what he might be doing.
Dean should be alone at home right now, probably getting ready for bed, possibly still sulking because he didn’t get his way yesterday. As unlikely as it is that Dean is actually serious about him, Castiel is aware that Dean’s feeling possessive over him. It’s a phase that’ll pass, Castiel’s sure—what he needs to do is just stay away for a while, go on with his life like nothing’s wrong. Dean will get over it, and Castiel will… he’ll adjust. And maybe one day, they’ll go back to being friends.
But he doesn’t want to do that. What he wants is to go straight to Dean and tell him that it doesn’t matter how Dean feels, that Castiel probably loves him enough for the both of them. That if Dean could feel for Castiel even a tenth of what Castiel feels for Dean, it would be enough.
Castiel’s eyes start prickling, and that’s not okay. He gets out of bed, crosses over to the bathroom, and splashes water on his face, wills the tears away. He grabs a towel to dry his face off and looks up at the mirror. Reproachful blue eyes stare back at him almost accusingly.
You screwed this up. Dean asked you to stay with him. Would it have been so bad for you to go for it?
He shakes his head, tears his eyes away from his reflection.
That wasn’t an option, yesterday. Castiel hasn’t had many sure things in his life, and as selfish as it sounds, he’d like to have something of his own. Dean was his for a short while, but Castiel’s always known that he couldn’t keep Dean, that Dean would inevitably move on. Balthazar wants to keep Castiel—it stands to reason that as long as Castiel wants him, Balthazar will be his.
And that’s not something Castiel’s ready to pass up.