Chapter Text
“Gather the planets! We’re having another sun competition!” Sun screeched. Mercury covered his ears, being right next to Sun when the command was yelled. All the other rockies started making their way towards sun, while Jupiter and Saturn went off to get the ice giants, who were Sagittarius-knows-where as always. This was going to be so fun, sun thought to himself. A planetary game show where they compete in teams of two. What could go wrong?
“What do you want, sun?” Venus rolled his eyes. Oh, to see that sassiness drop off his face when he realizes who he’s being paired with…
“What’s the competition?” Neptune chirped, excited. He was either asking what the competition was about or what a competition was in the first place. Still, he had enthusiasm which most of the other planets lacked, so Sun was rewarding Neptune by pairing him with his favorite other planet.
“Sun, why are we here?” Jupiter raised an eyebrow. Sun was pairing Jupiter with his friend, not because of his behavior, but because last time he tried to put something, or someone, between them, it didn’t exactly go well…
“This is gonna blow.” Earth whispered. Did blow mean something good or something bad? Sun couldn’t keep up with planet slang nowadays. He assumed it meant something good, and decided to pair him with his best friend.
With the pairings all jotted down on his notepad, sun finally explained to the curious planets.
“We’re having a sun competition! But it’s gonna be more complicated than the others…” Sun said. “You will be competing in duos, and there will be multiple challenges, with one person getting eliminated from the losing duos each time.”
The planets seemed to be following along, or at least Jupiter, Mars, and Mercury did.
“And the earthlings decide who wins!”
“What?! Doesn’t that seem a little…biased?” Mars asked, while his future teammate seemed to love the idea.
“No.” Sun gave a quick smile.
“…you sure?”
“IM SURE!” Sun boomed, chuckling slightly as Mars cowered in fear. “Okay,” Sun said, snapping back to his cheery demeanor. “Ready to hear the teams?”
“Sure!” Saturn smiled back, choosing to ignore the previous outburst.
“First, we have fire.” Sun flipped a page back in the notebook. “Mercury and Venus.”
“What?!” Mecury gasped. “I can’t be on a team with Venus!”
“I’m not doing anything with that pipsqueak. Nice try.” Venus grumbled while walking away. Sun pulled him back with one swoop of his gravity, sending Venus reeling. “Hey!”
“What I say, goes!” The sun sang. Venus opened his mouth to say something in protest, but closed it again with a huff.
“Second, earth.”
“Wow, I wonder who’s gonna be on that team.” Earth elbowed Mars, who rolled his eyes.
“He gets a whole team named after him and his species gets to vote? Come on!”
The sun interrupted them. “Earth and Mars will be on the Earth team!”
Mars looked flabbergasted. “There’s no way.” Earth broke out into a laugh.
“Third, we have air.”
Jupiter nodded. “Me and Saturn, right?”
“No!” The sun screeched. Jupiter flinched and he backed several steps away.
“Anyway, on the air team, Jupiter and Saturn.”
“You don’t say.” Jupiter muttered. Saturn gave a hesitant look.
“I don’t think me and Jupiter should be on the same team.. don’t you think that’s a little unfair to all the others?”
The ‘others’ in question turned their heads to Saturn, with offended expressions.
“Finally, the water team!” Sun proclaimed. “Uranus and Neptune!”
Uranus and Neptune could barely hear Sun from the distance they were at. Uranus said that since they were ice giants, they would melt if they got close to sun, but Sun thought they were just being rude.
“URANUS. AND. NEPTUNE!!” Sun screeched as loud as his voice could get, making all the others wince and cover their ears.
“That’s nice, mate!” Uranus called out, saying something to Neptune Sun couldn’t hear.
“So… what’s the first challenge?” Saturn asked. The sun thought for a moment… back to where he got the idea from.
“Uh, umm… balance on a balance beam!” Sun shouted.
And that was how all the planets ended up on a thin balance beam ordered by distance from the sun, looking from side to side for further instruction.
“Push people not on your team off. And the last team member standing wins immunity!!”
“Immunity from what?” Venus asked. Somebody wasn’t listening during the directions.
“From being eliminated.”
“Eliminated from what?” Uranus called out. At least he had the excuse of standing too far from Sun to hear much.
“FROM WHERE WE ARE RIGHT NOW.”
“Why don’t we wan’t to be eliminated again?” Jupiter asked. Sun could literally scream and solar flare them all, but that would burn the balance beam. He expelled a hot beam of fire out into the air instead, rendering the planets speechless.
“I. Will go over this. One more time.” Sun stood in front of all the planets on the balancing beam and inhaled sharply.
“YOU ALL ARE COMPETING FOR A PRIZE IN TEAMS OF TWO WHERE ONE PERSON GETS ELIMINATED EACH ROUND.” Sun hollered. The planets seemed to be following along.
“Uh huh… so… what’s the prize?” Mars timidly asked. Sun grabbed him and threw him into the water.
“Okay, that marks the start of the challenge!”
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“Hey, that’s not fair! You chucked my teammate into the water!” Earth protested, staring down at his teammate swimming to shore, dripping wet.
“Then chuck somebody else’s teammate into the water.” Sun responded.
Earth looked at Venus, then looked at Jupiter, then walked toward Venus.
“Don’t even think about it.” Venus hissed.
“No, I won’t push you off. I was thinking maybe our teams could form an alliance.” Earth offered.
“A what?” Mercury stood up, interest piqued.
“I’ve seen a lot of game shows like this from my earthlings. We basically form to make one big unofficial team.” Earth explained, walking towards the fire team members.
“What’s the point of that?” Venus cautiously backed away bumping into Mercury, nearly sending the smaller planet stumbling.
“Well, think about it. Do you and Mercury stand a chance against, like, Jupiter?” Earth asked, answering before Venus could. “No! But if all the rocky planets work togetherrr…?”
“Okay… I’m in.” Mercury beamed, crossing Venus with a risky sidestep.
“Let’s shake on it.” Earth grinned.
Mercury put his hand out toward Earth’s, grasping it tightly as they shook. Venus had his hands hovering over Mercury’s shoulders in case Earth tried to throw him off with the handshake. “What about you, Venus?” Venus slowly reached out to shake Earth’s hand once.
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“Aww, look.” Saturn pointed to the right of Jupiter. “The rocky planets are making a little team!”
“An alliance, that’s smart.” Jupiters eyes lit up with an idea. “Oh! Do you think we could form an alliance with the ice giants?”
“Yes! Of course! I’ll go do it.” Saturn nodded, rings shuffling on his head as he carefully stepped down the beam.
“And you’re just… leaving me here then? Okay..?”
Saturn’s boots made a tapping noise with every step on the wooden beam, getting more confident as he walked on, until he reached Uranus.
“Uranus!” Saturn smiled and waved. Uranus was sitting with his legs hanging off the edge.
“Hey, mate.”
“Jupiter said it would be smart if we made an alliance. It’s like combining our teams, kind of.”
“Hmm…” Uranus tilted his head, before getting up while responding. “No.” He walked away.
“What?” Saturn stepped over. “Why not!?” He frowned.
“Me and Nep want to prove that we can win on our own.” Uranus turned back to Saturn. “Nobody takes us seriously.”
“Come on!” Saturn whined in frustration. “I take you so seriously.”
“I’m sure, mate.” Uranus continued walking to Neptune. Saturn took him by the wrist, but seemed to have miscalculated, and ended up pulling Uranus off the beam, instead of closer to Saturn. Uranus fell with a scream, but managed to catch himself, gripping the wooden beam with such force that his knuckles turned white.
“SATURN!” He yelled.
“That- I-“ Saturn stared shocked at Uranus. “I DIDN’T MEAN TO DO THAT.”
Uranus didn’t buy it. “I see how it is.” He grunted, trying to pull himself back up.
“No, I swear!”
“Okay, then help me back up!” Uranus said. Saturn bent down, offering his hand to Uranus.
Uranus took his wrist and yanked him down, sending them both off the beam and into the water below with a big splash.
They came out spluttering, wiping water out of their hair and rings, swimming to shore to join Mars by the fireplace that Sun had so thoughtfully set up for them. Uranus, being an ice giant, couldn’t go near it and settled for looking for a nearby towel.
“So how did you guys get out?” Mars asked, nearly fully dry.
“Saturn knocked me off the beam, so I pulled him down with me.”
“Nice.”
“I SWEAR ON MY RINGS I DID NOT MEAN TO-“
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After hearing the loud splash, the ‘rocky alliance’s’ attention diverted to that side of the beam.
“Okay, first order of business-“ Earth started.
“Who made you the boss?” Venus scowled. Earth cut him off.
“I didn’t say I was the boss. I said, first order of business is eliminating Jupiter.”
“Jupiter? He’s, like, twice your size, Earth.” Mercury gave him a confused look.
“Come on! We can’t let the air team dominate every challenge just because of their size.” Earth said. Mercury thought it over, and agreed.
“Okay, fine.”
The three stepped carefully across the beam, occasionally darting looks to their lost teammate, Mars, who was now accompanied by Saturn by the fire.
Jupiter was shaking his head at the same sight, muttering something about how he ‘shouldn’t have let Saturn go alone’, until he saw the rocky planets.
“Oh, hey guys, how are you-“
“ATTAAAACK!” Earth hollered, pointing at Jupiter like he was leading soldiers to war. Mercury and Venus stared at him with dumbfounded looks. “Guys. Attack.” Earth urged them.
Venus wasted no time in running up to Jupiter and punching him in the gut.
“Wha- OW. Venus!” Jupiter reeled, clutching his stomach.
“Not like that, what the hell?” Earth grabbed Venus’ wrist, pulling him away.
Mercury turned to Earth and Venus before turning back, bending his knees and leaping, clinging onto Jupiters shirt. The other two bursted out laughing at the sight of Jupiter getting pounced on by someone literally half his height, until they saw the two planets tipping off the beam. Earth leapt forward and grabbed mercury while Jupiter fell into the water.
Mercury hung off the beam, only supported by Earth’s grasp.
“Earth-! Help me up!” Mercury grabbed earths hand with his dangling hand. Earth was about to pull him up until Venus tore Mercury out of his hands, gathered mercury in his arms, and literally chucked him into the water at full force.
It took Earth a few seconds to comprehend what happened, his eye twitching, and a look of bewilderment on his face.
“Venus… WHAT. He’s your teammate!”
“Oh…” They both stared down at Mercury speed swimming past Jupiter to the shore, darting towards Mars.
Earth splayed his hands out in front of Venus. “What do you mean, ‘oh’?!”
Venus watched Mercury with widened eyes, before turning to Earth. He shrugged. “He was being a pipsqueak.”
“HE WAS- ugh. Okay.” Earth sighed, shoulders slumping. “Well, since we’re the last two left, and we’re in an alliance, we should just rock paper scissors it.”
“Wait, why can’t both teams have the immunity?” Venus asked.
“Venus, you remember Sun’s explanation. Only one team can get immunity.” Earth held up his middle finger.
“Uh… Earth? Wrong finger.”
“Oh.” He put his hand into a fist, with a flat palm under it. “Okay, rock paper scissors.”
“Rock, paper, scissors says, shoot!” Venus held out a paper and Earth held out rock. Venus laughed in his face.
“Ha! I guess me and pipsqueak win immunity.”
“Okay, fine. Should we go tell Sun?”
“Yeah.”
The sun was waiting with Mercury, Jupiter, Mars, Saturn, and Uranus farther away from the fire in a towel. Venus and Earth shook water off of themselves, returning to shore.
“Venus won.” Earth told them.
“…What do you mean, mate?” Uranus looked at him quizzically, taking off his towel and throwing it beside Mars and Mercury. “Neptune’s still up there.”
Venus and Earth’s jaws dropped seeing Neptune on the farthest end of the beam, sitting down, dangling his legs. When he saw Venus and Earth staring at him, he waved with his whole arm, smiling.
“You guys didn’t see?” Mars asked. “Neptune was there the whole time, dude!”
“Wha- but- but we-“ Earth stammered, while Venus sat down next to Mercury and Mars by the fire.
“I saw you chuck Mercury into the water.” Mars raised an eyebrow at him. “Not nice.”
“My bad.” Venus grunted. Mercury threw Uranus’ discarded wet towel at Venus.
Sun cleared his throat, ready to put on his booming voice to reach Neptune. “NEPTUNE! COME DOWN FROM THERE, YOU WON!”
“What?”
“YOU WON. GET DOWN HERE!” It took Neptune a while to get it, but he leapt off the beam, eventually joining the others.
“Nice job, mate! You won the challenge.” Uranus smiled, putting a hand on Neptune’s shoulder.
“What challenge? I was talking to Guillermo!” Neptune brandished a lumpy asteroid, now soaked in water like everyone else.
“Okay, looks like Neptune wins immunity for the water team!” Sun grinned. “As for everyone else, the earthlings can vote to eliminate you.” Because that wasn’t biased at all.