Chapter Text
“What’s wrong?”
“...Why did you flinch?” “What?”
Sera’s arms had stopped just short of completely wrapping around his chest from behind. Her voice was soft, but serious. John turned his head to meet her concerned gaze.
“You flinched when I touched you.” Seraphina had learned a great many things about John since she’d first met him at Wellston, all that time ago. And one thing she knew was that John was often hesitant to be honest about his emotions. You had to be persistent. “...why?” John smiled, and it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “I’m fine. You just surprised me.” John had an excellent poker face, but his eyes always betrayed what he was really feeling, if you knew what to look for.
She could still see fear in them. Something which twisted her heart to look at.
“John.” Her voice hardened. His expression changed; his eyes shut and the smile fell away. She felt him tense up from where she sat behind him. He looked like a child awaiting a scolding. Instead, she started to rub his chest with her hands. “Hey. We talked about this.” She closed her eyes as well, resting her head between his shoulder blades. He relaxed. “...I know.” John let out a deep sigh before continuing. “I…” He trailed off again, turning his head from her.
“Take your time.” It was practically a whisper. She always seemed to know exactly what to say to him. “...I had a nightmare. It’s been so long since--” He laughed, in spite of himself. It didn’t sound fake, but it didn’t sound happy, either. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen him . I-It…I was--” His voice shook as he broke off, pulling a clammy hand up to grasp hers, grip tightening as he desperately tried to remain present. A shaky breath escaped as his eyes scrunched up.
She squeezed it in return, shushing him and leaning harder against his chest.
“You don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to.”
“...I-...I do want to, though. I feel like I need to. I need to say it so he’ll get the FUCK out of my head.” He felt tears burning his eyes as she started to slowly rock him back and forth. The words were spilling from his mouth in a strangled voice he could hardly recognize. “Hey.” He turned his head to look back at her. She pulled hers off him. “He’s not in your head. He’s not here.” She tapped his forehead, and he blinked. John felt his cheeks twitching, and lifted a hand to rub them, turning. “Yeah. And if he were, we’d put him six feet under.”
She nodded, smiling.
“It’s just…” He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts. “...I always hated those fucking handcuffs. I hated that room. More than anything I hated that I couldn’t leave. I was locked in there for three fucking months. And…” He took a breath, steadying himself, just barely. “...I have trouble…getting hugged, sometimes?” She stiffened. “Because it always feels like…” The words stuck in his throat. It felt silly to say, when he actually thought about it, but the thought remained. “...I don’t know. It always feels like I’m back in there when somebody holds me, you know?”
Sera stopped. Her eyes widened.
“...I-” She paused, equal parts fear and guilt closing in on her. John winced, realizing too late what he’d implied. “I…had no idea. You mean…?”
“...please, don’t stop.”
She had started to pull her hands away, and he grabbed them to stop her.
“It’s because I had a dream about it in the first place, and I wasn’t ready for that.” He turned his whole body around, and looked her in the eyes. Her mouth was still slightly agape, but she seemed a little calmer. “You surprised me. That’s all . I mean that.” He shook her hands to emphasize, gripping them tighter.
“ I feel safe in your arms, Sera. It’s just…hard to adjust, sometimes.”
Her mouth closed. “...” The concern remained in her gaze.
“I know you’d never hurt me.” His expression was serious--earnest. It was something she had thankfully found a long time ago, after a great deal of lying, and she would never forget it. “Unless I deserved it, that is.” The smile came back to John’s face, and this time it reached his eyes. Sera’s face didn’t change.
Wordlessly, she closed the gap, hugging him. John couldn’t help but laugh as she buried her head into his shoulder.
“I’m gonna burn the readjustment building to the ground.” “Pfft, mind if I join? I’ve got a small bone to pick myself.”